The Psychological Formula for Attraction ft. Jemma Sbeg
What actually makes us feel drawn to someone—and what makes us cling to situationships long after we can see the glaring red flags of emotional unavailability?In today's episode, I’m joined by my first-ever guest (!!) and one of my favorite podcasters of all time, Jemma Sbeg—host of the wildly popular Psychology of Your 20s podcast and the author of Person in Progress. If you’ve ever screamed-cried in your car after someone you weren’t even officially dating ghosted you, this one’s for you.A few things we dive into:A research-backed formula for attraction (and how to use it without playing games)The role of the “spark” in attractionThe psychology behind common dating pitfalls in your 20sThe stigma of being singleThe commitment-readiness scale (and why it can land you in situationship after situationship)Jemma also shares insights from PERSON IN PROGRESS—a roadmap for surviving the chaotic, confusing, deeply transitional decade that is your twenties—and offers advice to her younger self that made me tear up a little. Whether you’re trying to understand your patterns, make sense of someone else's, or just feel a little less alone in the dating trenches, this one will stick with you. EPISODE OUTLINE00:00 Intro02:51 The formula for attraction04:21 1. Proximity07:10 2. Similarity11:43 3. Familiarity14:03 The 3 month rule16:55 The curse of comfort19:31 The sunk cost fallacy21:06 The fear of starting over22:37 4. Reciprocity23:13 The harm of playing games26:36 5. A spark27:19 The psychology of common relationship pitfalls27:31 1. Repetition compulsion31:04 2. The stigma of being single36:45 3. Situationships38:23 The commitment-readiness scale40:21 Permission slip to grieve your situationship <342:09 Lightning round recap43:26 Last question: what would you tell past you? PERSON IN PROGRESSIf you liked this episode, you will love PERSON IN PROGRESS. Out now and available everywhere you buy books. Get your copy today!PERSON IN PROGRESS BY JEMMA SBEGPERSON IN PROGRESS BY JEMMA SBEGPERSON IN PROGRESS BY JEMMA SBEGMY LINKS• MAKE BELIEVE is out everywhere now• Get a signed copy of MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow Bookshop• Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram • Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok PS - This is the study I mentioned that found that single women are one of the happiest demographics on Earth. And an article about it here!
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48:43
10 Paradoxes That Will Alter Your Brain Chemistry
What if the things you believe about life, love, success, and happiness are backwards? In today’s episode, we’re diving into 10 paradoxes: the little plot twists, contradictions, and life surprises I wish someone had warned me about. Learning these the hard way cost me a lot of time and heartbreak, and my hope is that sharing them now saves you some of yours. Hit play for a big, juicy reality check. EPISODE OUTLINE00:00 Intro01:23 1. The likability paradox 03:12 2. The paradox of choice06:09 3. The paradox of knowledge 06:52 The Dunning-Kruger Effect08:22 4. The paradox of failure 09:12 Not choosing is a choice (Jean-Paul Sartre)10:33 5. The paradox of tolerance (Karl Popper) 11:03 James Baldwin on agreeing to disagree 12:20 6. The paradox of moving on 12:46 Ironic process theory 14:19 7. The paradox of pleasure15:37 Aristotle's virtue-based happiness16:08 Viktor Frankl on happiness 17:07 The dopamine trap 18:03 8. The paradox of freedom18:33 Self-determination theory 20:02 The dizziness of freedom (Kierkegaard)20:52 9. The paradox of shadow sides (Carl Jung) 22:54 10. The paradox of the comfort zone 24:46 Lightning round recap MY LINKS• MAKE BELIEVE is out everywhere now• Get a signed copy of MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow Bookshop• Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram • Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok
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27:16
8 Ways You’re Unknowingly Sabotaging Your Comeback Season
Getting back in the saddle? I love that for you. But here’s the truth: staying on track takes more than motivation. If you’ve been craving a fresh start but don't know where to start, this episode is for you. We’re breaking down 8 of the most common ways people sabotage their own progress—from relying too much on discipline to using self-hate as fuel. Whether you have a big dream or just want to get unstuck, you deserve to enter your next chapter with eyes wide open. Let’s talk about the philosophy and psychology of making a comeback stick. EPISODE OUTLINE 00:00 Intro 02:40 Eight ways to sabotage a comeback03:22 1. Believing you're behind06:19 2. Being apologetic about what you want07:18 You hold yourself back when you move in silence08:41 You're being judgmental when you assume people are judging you10:28 3. Underestimating the subconscious mind10:45 The neuroscience of manifestation12:46 Self-deprecation is manifesting too 14:37 4. Focusing only on your how & not your why14:47 Nietzsche's will to power15:20 Chasing superficial whys 17:14 5. Underestimating the power of small changes19:38 Results are a lagging measure of effort (James Clear) 21:30 6. Focusing on what you can't control21:55 Amor Fati: loving your fate (Nietzsche)23:22 PS: My book MAKE BELIEVE is out now 24:05 Stop feeling bad for yourself for not figuring it out sooner25:58 7. Waiting until you're ready to start26:30 Hiding in the planning phase 26:51 The confidence-competence loop27:50 8. Using self-hate as fuel 29:56 Lightning round recap30:56 Give yourself some creditEPISODE LINKSMichigan State Study on accountabilityMind Magic by Dr. James DotyStudy using fMRI showing impact of visualization on motor cortexThe Gay Science by Friedrich Nietzsche MY LINKS• MAKE BELIEVE is out everywhere now• Get a signed copy of MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow Bookshop• Join me in Bali June 1-7! • Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram • Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok
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32:30
The Spiritual Implications of a Recession
The tariffs won’t just affect your wallet—they’ll also affect your soul. In this episode, we walk through 5 spiritual side effects of an economic downturn (per Abraham Maslow, Karl Marx, and Simone Weil). Then we’ll talk through 3 philosophically-rooted tips for tending to your soul during (yet another) unprecedented time. Are the people wearing milkmaid dresses to the club a recession indicator? What would Karl Marx think about you hating your coworkers who won’t stay late at the office? How can we prioritize spirituality at a time like this without being navel-gazey? Let’s talk about it. EPISODE OUTLINE00:00 Intro 03:16 5 spiritual impacts of a recession03:45break06:39 1. Accessing spirituality gets harder 06:52 Maslow’s hierarchy of needs08:37 Simone Weil and Simone du Beauvoir clash 11:05 Everyone’s an existentialist until the rent is due12:31 2. Resurgence of traditional faith systems 12:39 Hemline index 13:36 Moral panics during recessions 13:52 Today: trad wives, homesteading and Catholic core14:28 The link between economic security & decline of religious affiliation 16:33 3. Disconnection from nature and each other 16:58 Karl Marx’s 1844 paper on alienation of labor 21:23 4. Escapism becomes more tempting than ever21:44 Lipstick index 22:40 TikTok restock videos as a recession indicator 23:10 Alcohol sales during recessions 23:54 TikTok shop dupe culture as a recession indicator 24:35 5. We’re ripe for spiritual expansion25:42 The god shaped hole (Pascal) 26:27 3 practical tips for spiritual health during a recession26:42 1. Other people are not your competition27:28 “Be kind to people and ruthless to systems” 27:40 2. Tactile hobbies and reconnecting with the fruits of our labor29:38 3. Spirituality during hard times is best served pragmatically and people-focused 31:58 Challenge: noticing me versus them moments MY LINKS• MAKE BELIEVE is out everywhere now• Get a signed copy of MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow Bookshop• Join me in Bali June 1-7! • Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram • Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok
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34:12
5 Happiness Traps—and How to Break Free of Them
We all want to be happy—but so many of the ways we chase happiness actually leave us more disconnected, burnt out, or empty than before. In this episode, we’ll walk through five of the most common happiness traps: the things we do to feel better that often make us feel worse. Along the way, we’ll explore what Nietzsche, Marx, and modern Slovenian philosopher Slavoj Žižek have to say about the pursuit of joy. Then, we’ll turn to one of the longest-running studies on happiness to ask the big question: when it comes to feeling good, what actually works? No one has the secret to happiness. But a lot of smart people have said a lot of smart things that might help you feel better and access a little more joy. Let’s talk about it.EPISODE OUTLINE 00:00 Intro01:18 Break03:22 5 happiness traps 03:27 1. Overconsumption 06:00 Overconsumption starts with scarcity programming07:11 Nietzsche & overconsumption as a way to fill the void 10:37 2. Chasing achievements 11:46 Slavoj Zizek and the duty to enjoy the grind13:26“Don’t be ridiculous, Andrea. Everyone wants this.”14:18 Superego injunction: “a million girls would kill to have this job”15:22 On using a lack of happiness as fuel to grind 15:56 3. Comparison 18:11 Downward social comparison 22:12 4. Self- and symptom-focused spiritual practices 22:55 Marx on how economic systems shape values 23:28 Self-centered spirituality in the West 24:41 Spirituality as a bandaid vs a root cause solution (Zizek)25:45 5. Isolation 27:03 The hyperindividualism crisis28:00 We owe each other stuff28:17 We want things from each other, and we should28:23 Harlow’s monkey study on attachment 30:13 We’re living in our own worlds31:28 So what DOES work? 31:57 Harvard happiness study 35:13 Challenge 36:19 Lightning round recapMY LINKS• MAKE BELIEVE is out everywhere now• Get a signed copy of MAKE BELIEVE from Blue Willow Bookshop• Let’s hang on tour!!• Join me in Bali June 1-7! • Find me @thedailyvictorian on Instagram • Find me @thedailyvictorian on TikTok
A self-development podcast with philosophical, psychological and literary flair hosted by Victoria Hutchins, the creator of @thedailyvictorian. Giving your soul something to chew on every Sunday.
New Zealand