Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

• My Partner says He Only Has Eyes for Me—but He’s Hooked on Porn—Should I Believe Him?

  In this PBSE episode (#302), Mark & Steve respond to a betrayed partner who faces an all-too-common form of "double-dealing." When a partner says “you’re the most beautiful woman in the world” but secretly consumes porn featuring people who look nothing like you—who are NOT you—the contradiction is deeply painful. It undermines trust, triggers feelings of rejection, and cuts to the core of self-worth. This isn’t just about “boys being boys” — it’s a betrayal of the exclusivity and commitment that a relationship is built on. While the addict may genuinely believe his words, addiction operates on a different logic. Pornography is less about attraction and more about escape — a way to numb, avoid vulnerability, and chase novelty. Over time, it stunts emotional maturity, leaving the addict unable to pursue true intimacy in a healthy, adult way.This disconnect creates what we call the “unverifiable problem”: the addict wants to be believed, but his actions have destroyed credibility. Trust can’t be rebuilt through promises alone; it requires consistent, verifiable action. Accountability, empathy, transparency, and small daily follow-throughs are essential to show that change is real. Words mean nothing if they aren’t backed by behavior. Over time, repeated trustworthy actions can help rebuild the foundation of safety and make belief possible again.For the betrayed partner, healing also involves turning inward. Recovery is not about fixing him — it’s about reclaiming your own self-worth, building a support system, and ensuring your emotional needs are met, regardless of his progress. This may include strengthening friendships, pursuing passions, or addressing codependency. Ultimately, true reconciliation happens when both partners do their work on parallel tracks: the addict becoming a trustworthy, empathetic partner, and the betrayed partner reclaiming her agency and strength. Only then can trust, intimacy, and love become real again.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  My Partner says He Only Has Eyes for Me—but He's Hooked on Porn—Should I Believe Him? Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

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• How Does a Porn/Sex Addict Coercing His Partner into Acting Out Fantasies Impact Them Both?

  This episode of the PBSE Podcast (#301) centers on the question, “How does a porn/sex addict coercing his partner into acting out fantasies impact them both?” Mark and Steve begin by acknowledging the devastating reality of such coercion and the way it violates the original commitment of exclusivity and mutual respect that every relationship is meant to hold. They describe how many addicts enter marriage hiding a “secret sexual basement,” carrying unspoken behaviors and fantasies from their addiction into the relationship. This deception destroys true informed consent—the partner may think she’s choosing love and safety, but what she’s actually being drawn into is secrecy, distortion, and betrayal.The hosts discuss how this dynamic profoundly harms both people. The partner experiences confusion, disconnection, and trauma as she’s pressured to perform or go along with things that feel unsafe or degrading, often silencing her instincts to “keep the peace.” Meanwhile, the addict becomes increasingly numb to real pleasure and intimacy, his brain rewired by fantasy to crave stimulation over connection. The more he pursues pleasure, the less he feels alive. Both individuals lose touch with their authentic selves: she through self-betrayal, he through objectification and emotional decay.Mark and Steve conclude with hope and direction. They emphasize that while innocence and trust may be lost, couples can still rebuild—but only when the addict stops the damage, seeks genuine help, and the partner reclaims her voice and boundaries. A structured therapeutic separation may be necessary to create safety and clarity, allowing each to heal individually before determining whether reconciliation is possible. Real intimacy, they affirm, can be rediscovered—not as a return to what was lost, but as the creation of something new, rooted in honesty, equality, and shared humanity.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  How Does a Porn/Sex Addict Coercing His Partner into Acting Out Fantasies, Impact Them Both?Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

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• When Touch Feels Like Pressure: Breaking Free from Over-Sexualization

  Episode 300 highlights the raw submission of a betrayed partner struggling with a husband who pressures her sexually despite her clear “not yet.” He gawked, grabbed, and dismissed her boundaries while excusing his behavior as a “high sex drive.” His minimization left her doubting herself, wondering if she was the problem. This dynamic illustrates how gaslighting erodes self-trust and places partners in a painful double bind: desiring genuine intimacy but being bombarded by objectification and entitlement.We define the difference between healthy touch and hyper-sexualization. Healthy touch always begins with safety and consent; it grows out of affection, connection, and respect. Hyper-sexualization, by contrast, is compulsive and dismissive of boundaries, reducing a partner to body parts and creating an environment of pressure and fear. True intimacy is never about entitlement—it’s about connection, balance, and honoring the partner’s voice.For betrayed partners, the call is to trust your body, your instincts, and your discomfort—it is valid and it is telling you something. For porn/sex addicts as well as partners with a sexual entitlement mindset and behaviors, the message is equally clear: recovery cannot be paused, trauma is not a free pass, and love means relinquishing control and honoring boundaries. Healing is possible, but it begins when both partners reject coercion and embrace the hard work of building safety first.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  When Touch Feels Like Pressure:  Breaking Free from Over-Sexualization Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

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• Big Gestures, Broken Trust—Living in the Cycle of Empty Commitments

  In this episode (#299), Mark and Steve respond to a betrayed partner’s story of exhaustion after five years of broken promises from her addict spouse. Despite his grand gestures—weekly check-ins, new hobbies, and podcast listening—he repeatedly relapses and becomes defensive when confronted. This cycle leaves her hyper-vigilant, carrying the weight of the household, and feeling unseen and dismissed. The hosts emphasize that her pain and misery are valid and reflect the natural toll of betrayal trauma.From the addict perspective, they explore why big gestures rarely last: they are usually attempts at damage control rather than authentic recovery. Addicts often react with defensiveness and irritability, avoiding accountability because of shame, fear, and resistance to change. This defensiveness poisons intimacy, keeping the relationship stuck in a pattern of false starts and inevitable disappointment.The path forward lies not in more monitoring or empty promises, but in authentic change. For partners, that means setting clear boundaries that reclaim agency and stop enabling the cycle. For addicts, it requires leaving behind reactivity and committing to proactive, consistent recovery practices. Healing is possible, but only when both partners step out of the destructive cycle and choose honesty, vulnerability, and daily integrity over grand but fleeting gestures.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:   Big Gestures, Broken Trust—Living in the Cycle of Empty CommitmentsLearn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

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• As a Recovering Porn & Sex Addict—What Is Keeping Me In My Marriage?

  In this powerful PBSE conversation (Episode 298), we respond to a listener who vulnerably asked whether he is staying in his marriage out of love—or out of fear and obligation. Three and a half months into the space between Discovery Day and full therapeutic disclosure, he wonders if he can truly love his wife, or if he is staying simply because of the kids, his reputation, or fear of being alone. Mark and Steve normalize these questions and share how fear-based thinking dominates the early stages of recovery, often leaving addicts panicked, frozen, and driven by “shoulds” instead of authentic desire.We discuss how these questions often reflect growth, not failure. Moving from a “me” mindset to a “we” mindset can feel foreign and terrifying, but it is a critical milestone in recovery. We encourage addicts to avoid “future tripping”—trying to predict where they’ll be in five, ten, or twenty years—and instead focus on the next right step. We also reframe the partner’s question, “Do you really want me?” as a bid for connection and safety, not a demand for a lifetime guarantee.Ultimately, recovery is about gradually putting down the masks, moving out of obligation, and stepping into authentic choice. Relationships will always involve risk, but we are wired for connection, not disconnection. As addicts and partners commit to healing, they return to their natural state of love, intimacy, and collaboration. There are no guarantees about the future, but by staying present, honest, and connected, couples can rebuild a marriage that is chosen—not just endured.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  As a Recovering Porn & Sex Addict, What is Keeping Me in My Marriage?Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

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