Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

• Is my Partner a clinical "Narcissist" or does he just have Narcissistic Tendencies?

  This episode (#306) addresses a common but painful question from betrayed partners: “Is my spouse a narcissist, or just showing narcissistic tendencies?” Mark and Steve explain that while the term “narcissist” has become a cultural buzzword, true narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is rare and defined by a complete absence of empathy. In contrast, addicts in denial often appear narcissistic because they’re reacting defensively from fear and shame. Their hurtful behaviors—blame-shifting, gaslighting, and emotional withdrawal—mimic narcissism but stem from self-protection, not superiority.The hosts emphasize that what matters most isn’t the label but the destination. Whether the issue is narcissism, addiction, or emotional immaturity, the key question is: Where is this relationship heading if nothing changes? The described situation clearly reflects an abuse cycle—one fueled by denial, volatility, and manipulation. For the addict, breaking that cycle means pausing reactivity, taking full ownership, and seeking specialized recovery help rather than generic therapy. True healing begins only when defensiveness gives way to empathy and accountability.For the betrayed partner, safety and support come first. Isolation only deepens the trauma, so finding community through trusted friends, family, or support groups like S-Anon and SALifeline is essential. She must set firm boundaries and remember that protecting her partner from consequences is not the same as loving him. The episode closes with practical resources—including books like The Gaslighting Recovery Workbook and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents—and a hopeful reminder that even deeply wounded couples can rebuild when they both commit to truth, humility, and genuine change.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:   Is My Partner a "Narcissist" of does he just have Narcissistic Tendencies?Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

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• My Porn Addicted Partner uses photos of Family & Friends to Fantasize! What Do I Do?!

  This episode (#305) opens with a raw letter from a betrayed partner who discovered her husband had been using social media photos of women they both knew—friends, clients, even family—to fuel his sexual fantasies. Her anguish—“How could he ever love me if he could do this?”—captures the emotional devastation of betrayal trauma. We discuss how porn and sex addiction warp the brain’s functioning, turning sexual stimulation into a survival need. When addiction takes over the limbic brain, logic, empathy, and morality shut down, producing behavior that makes no sense to the healthy mind.For betrayed partners, healing begins not with fixing him, but with caring for themselves. That means seeking outside support, reframing “How do I get over this?” into “How do I attend to my trauma?” and embracing acceptance—not as approval, but as facing reality so they can make empowered choices. From there, the partner can form clear, self-protective boundaries based on her authentic needs. Boundaries aren’t about controlling the addict—they’re about safeguarding one’s own integrity and safety.For addicts, true recovery demands brutal honesty and a willingness to dismantle the lies that keep them in the “secret sexual basement.” They must uncover the emotional roots of their addiction, stop reacting defensively, and take proactive leadership in rebuilding trust. Healing requires outside accountability, transparency, and a daily commitment to growth. Ultimately, both partners must walk their own journeys—she toward safety and truth, he toward honesty and maturity. Whether they reunite or not, redemption is possible when both confront reality with courage, humility, and integrity.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  My Porn Addicted Partner uses photos of Family & Friends to Fantasize! What Do I Do?!Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

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• In a Relationship Filled with Betrayal—How Can I Trust He will Not Betray Me Again?!

  In Episode 304, Mark and Steve address a powerful letter from a partner whose relationship began in betrayal—her husband secretly continued sexual involvement with his ex while dating her and later maintained years of hidden pornography use. Despite countless promises to quit, he lied, relapsed, and gaslighted her, leaving her emotionally and physically wrecked. They affirm that what she’s experiencing is genuine betrayal trauma, not overreaction, describing how chronic deceit and emotional abuse erode safety, identity, and even bodily health.The hosts urge her to stop carrying responsibilities that were never hers—monitoring his devices, managing his guilt, or offering premature forgiveness. Healing, they explain, begins with reclaiming her independence and self-worth. That requires professional therapy, strong boundaries, and releasing the roles of “policewoman,” “confessor,” and “absolver.” For the relationship to have any chance of survival, the truth must come out in full through a professionally guided disclosure process, possibly with a polygraph, so she can finally make informed choices about her future.For the husband, Mark and Steve insist that real recovery is proactive, structured, and honest. He must stop reacting only when caught and instead pursue transparency and leadership in his healing. Whether through Dare to Connect or another structured program, addicts need daily accountability and consistent engagement. Ultimately, they stress that rebuilding trust takes time and integrity—measured not in promises but in patterns. For the partner, the focus now is learning to trust herself again; for the addict, it’s becoming truly trustworthy. Only then can real recovery and genuine connection begin.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  In a relationship Filled with Betrayal—How Can I Trust He will NOT Betray Me Again?!Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

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• What does ACTUAL Accountability look like for a Porn/Sex Addict in REAL Recovery?

  In PBSE Episode 303, Mark and Steve respond to a betrayed partner's questions about what real accountability looks like for a recovering porn/sex addict. Real accountability in porn and sex addiction recovery is far more than saying “I’m sorry.” It’s a deep, ongoing process of taking full ownership of one’s actions, beginning with radical honesty toward oneself and others. Addicts must stop minimizing, rationalizing, or blaming others, and instead acknowledge the full scope of their behavior and its impact. Accountability also means recognizing that a betrayed partner should never be the primary support system. Building and actively engaging with a recovery network — including 12-step groups, sponsors, therapists, and accountability partners — is non-negotiable for sustained change.Another critical element of accountability is proactive communication and planning. Addicts must not only do the work but also share it, keeping their partners informed through transparent conversations and consistent updates. They need to anticipate triggering situations, create strategies for managing them, and follow through with deliberate, measurable actions. Empathy plays a pivotal role here — not as self-pity or shared misery, but as a sincere effort to understand and sit with the pain their actions have caused. This emotional ownership helps rebuild trust and fosters deeper connection.Finally, accountability must be consistent. Trust is not restored by one grand gesture but by countless small choices made faithfully over time. Partners, too, can support healing by practicing boundaried empathy — seeking to understand without excusing harmful behavior. Together, honesty, empathy, proactive planning, and unwavering consistency create the conditions for real recovery and a stronger, more authentic relationship. Accountability, at its core, is love in action — the daily choice to show up differently and to earn trust again, one step at a time.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  What does ACTUAL Accountability look like for a Porn/Sex Addict in REAL Recovery? Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

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• My Partner says He Only Has Eyes for Me—but He’s Hooked on Porn—Should I Believe Him?

  In this PBSE episode (#302), Mark & Steve respond to a betrayed partner who faces an all-too-common form of "double-dealing." When a partner says “you’re the most beautiful woman in the world” but secretly consumes porn featuring people who look nothing like you—who are NOT you—the contradiction is deeply painful. It undermines trust, triggers feelings of rejection, and cuts to the core of self-worth. This isn’t just about “boys being boys” — it’s a betrayal of the exclusivity and commitment that a relationship is built on. While the addict may genuinely believe his words, addiction operates on a different logic. Pornography is less about attraction and more about escape — a way to numb, avoid vulnerability, and chase novelty. Over time, it stunts emotional maturity, leaving the addict unable to pursue true intimacy in a healthy, adult way.This disconnect creates what we call the “unverifiable problem”: the addict wants to be believed, but his actions have destroyed credibility. Trust can’t be rebuilt through promises alone; it requires consistent, verifiable action. Accountability, empathy, transparency, and small daily follow-throughs are essential to show that change is real. Words mean nothing if they aren’t backed by behavior. Over time, repeated trustworthy actions can help rebuild the foundation of safety and make belief possible again.For the betrayed partner, healing also involves turning inward. Recovery is not about fixing him — it’s about reclaiming your own self-worth, building a support system, and ensuring your emotional needs are met, regardless of his progress. This may include strengthening friendships, pursuing passions, or addressing codependency. Ultimately, true reconciliation happens when both partners do their work on parallel tracks: the addict becoming a trustworthy, empathetic partner, and the betrayed partner reclaiming her agency and strength. Only then can trust, intimacy, and love become real again.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  My Partner says He Only Has Eyes for Me—but He's Hooked on Porn—Should I Believe Him? Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

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