Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

• As a Recovering Porn & Sex Addict—What Is Keeping Me In My Marriage?

  In this powerful PBSE conversation (Episode 298), we respond to a listener who vulnerably asked whether he is staying in his marriage out of love—or out of fear and obligation. Three and a half months into the space between Discovery Day and full therapeutic disclosure, he wonders if he can truly love his wife, or if he is staying simply because of the kids, his reputation, or fear of being alone. Mark and Steve normalize these questions and share how fear-based thinking dominates the early stages of recovery, often leaving addicts panicked, frozen, and driven by “shoulds” instead of authentic desire.We discuss how these questions often reflect growth, not failure. Moving from a “me” mindset to a “we” mindset can feel foreign and terrifying, but it is a critical milestone in recovery. We encourage addicts to avoid “future tripping”—trying to predict where they’ll be in five, ten, or twenty years—and instead focus on the next right step. We also reframe the partner’s question, “Do you really want me?” as a bid for connection and safety, not a demand for a lifetime guarantee.Ultimately, recovery is about gradually putting down the masks, moving out of obligation, and stepping into authentic choice. Relationships will always involve risk, but we are wired for connection, not disconnection. As addicts and partners commit to healing, they return to their natural state of love, intimacy, and collaboration. There are no guarantees about the future, but by staying present, honest, and connected, couples can rebuild a marriage that is chosen—not just endured.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  As a Recovering Porn & Sex Addict, What is Keeping Me in My Marriage?Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

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• "Everyone Thinks He’s Great . . . But They Don’t Know the Whole Story"

  In Episode 297, Mark & Steve respond to a heart-felt submission by a porn/sex addict in active recovery. He describes an ongoing situation that is very difficult for his betrayed partner and shows a great deal of genuine concern for her. Here's the issue—compliments by friends, family and others, aimed at an addict in recovery, can create painful triggers for betrayed partners, who know both the admirable qualities others see and the secret story of betrayal they carry. For partners, hearing “he’s such a great guy” can feel invalidating and isolating, as if the hidden wounds don’t matter. They may wonder if they are the problem for feeling hurt, and at times, even face gaslighting from addicts who deflect or minimize their concerns.The tension lies in the gap between public image and private reality. Using the metaphor of a “secret sexual basement,” we see how the addict’s public face often draws praise while the partner alone carries knowledge of the hidden side. Navigating this dynamic requires careful balance—between authenticity and discretion, between validating the partner’s pain and protecting privacy, and between acknowledging progress while still honoring past harm.Ultimately, recovery means choosing empathy and proactivity. Addicts can lead by checking in with their partners after triggering moments, acknowledging how compliments might sting, and creating space for open dialogue. Couples together can decide what level of transparency feels safe, remembering that disclosure is not a solo act but a shared journey. When both partners embrace authenticity with compassion, they can integrate the painful past with a healthier present and move forward stronger together.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  Everyone Thinks He's Great . . .  But They Don't Know the Whole Story!Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

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• When Loving Him Means Losing Me—Do I Stay or Go?!

  When a partner reaches the heartbreaking point of saying, “I love him, but I feel I’m losing myself,” the question of staying or leaving becomes urgent. After 21 years of repeated betrayal, secrecy, and broken promises, one woman wonders how long she can endure the cycle. This PBSE episode (#296) unpacks that struggle, emphasizing that being lured back by charm is not weakness but love—and also highlighting how charm without change is manipulation and emotional abuse.We examine the addict’s cycle of secrecy, discovery, promises, and relapse, and show how it traps both partners in a destructive spin. From the partner’s perspective, the cost of staying has shifted from compromise to self-abandonment. Using analogies like a failing business merger or an overdrawn bank account, we frame the critical question: at what point does loyalty become losing yourself? The markers include lack of honesty, no accountability, and the erasure of authentic identity.Ultimately, partners must find clarity through boundaries, safe support, and honest reflection. Journaling, support groups, and evaluating whether growth or disappearance defines the relationship can provide direction. While ending a marriage is always a tragedy, the greater tragedy is staying in one where you are erased. The message is clear: you are worth safety, truth, and love—whether inside this relationship or beyond it.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:   When Loving Him Means Losing Me—Do I Stay or Go?!Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

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• My Partner uses Porn to Punish Me for Not Losing Weight. How do I Recover from That?!

  This episode (#295) examines the devastating impact of a husband who weaponized pornography and withheld intimacy as punishment for his wife not meeting his “ideal” body standard. Over two decades, his rejection inflicted a “self-esteem massacre,” leaving her questioning how she could ever recover. We identify this behavior as rooted in immaturity, selfishness, and abuse, making clear that true love cannot coexist with manipulation, blame, and objectification.On the husband’s side, recovery requires full accountability for the betrayal, exploration of the underlying reasons for his actions, and professional support to overcome blind spots. He must rewire his arousal template away from pornography’s objectification, learn to value his wife as a whole person, and proactively pursue her through consistent, tangible actions of empathy and repair. Without ongoing accountability and amends, there is no foundation for rebuilding trust.For the partner, healing means cultivating self-worth independent of him, setting clear boundaries, and building a support network outside the marriage. She must find her authentic voice to name her needs, articulate the impact of his actions, and decide what is safe and healthy for her future. The article closes with affirmation: she did not cause this, she does not deserve it, she cannot fix him, and she remains inherently valuable and lovable regardless of his choices.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:   My Partner uses Porn to Punish Me for Not Losing Weight. How do I Recover from That?!Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

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• Healing for Betrayed Partners with a Sexually Abusive Past (PART 2)

  This is PBSE Episode 295—When betrayal trauma collides with a history of childhood sexual abuse, partners often feel doubly overwhelmed, carrying both the scars of the past and the pain of the present. Silence, a survival strategy from childhood, often resurfaces in marriage, leaving betrayed partners afraid to voice their needs for fear of conflict or abandonment. But silence only deepens the trauma. Healing begins when partners reclaim their voices, practicing authentic expression of their feelings and needs without falling into nagging or control. Pressure, when it comes from truth and transparency, is not harmful—it can be the very catalyst that sparks real change in the addicted spouse.For betrayed partners, it is equally vital to build strong outside support systems—through therapy, 12-step groups, trusted friends, or recovery programs—that provide safety and perspective when their spouse cannot. This network enables them to “dial back” intimacy in unsafe moments, protecting themselves while remaining authentic and ready to re-engage when conditions improve. Boundaries and outside support affirm their worth and help them separate their healing from their partner’s recovery.Addicts, for their part, must wake up and embrace full accountability. Complacency, secrecy, or half-hearted efforts only reinforce old wounds and destroy trust. Healing requires daily transparency, empathy, and proactive recovery work, not only to restore safety for the partner but also to live in integrity and peace. Though the journey is complex and painful, when both partners commit to these principles, the relationship can move beyond mere survival toward deeper connection, authenticity, and lasting healing.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  Healing for Betrayed Partners with a Sexually Abusive Past (PART 2)Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

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