The Happy families podcast with Dr. Justin Coulson is designed for the time poor parent who just wants answers now. Every day Justin and his wife Kylie provide ...
#1225 - Self Control Can Be A Learned Behaviour With Ethan Kross
Is self-control something you're born with—or something you can teach your kids, starting today? Psychologist and bestselling author Ethan Kross takes us into the science of the inner voice, revealing how our thoughts shape our behaviour—and how we can shape our thoughts. From powerful tools that help children talk to themselves like a friend to simple mindset shifts that build long-term resilience, this conversation is packed with practical wisdom for raising emotionally intelligent, self-regulated kids. KEY POINTS: Self-control is a skill that can be taught and strengthened. The inner voice is a powerful tool in navigating emotions and decision-making. Kids benefit from learning how to create psychological distance during challenges. Techniques like mental time travel and third-person self-talk are effective at all ages. Parents have a unique opportunity to guide how children learn to speak to themselves. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:“We’re not born with self-control; we learn it. And the tools we use to manage our mind are like muscles—we can train them.” KEY INSIGHTS FOR PARENTS: Help your child shift perspective by asking, “What would you say to a friend?” Build emotional resilience by teaching kids to recall times they’ve overcome obstacles. Model calm and constructive self-talk in your own moments of stress—kids are watching. Introduce the idea of an “inner coach” who can guide them through tough situations. RESOURCES MENTIONED: Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It by Ethan Kross University of Michigan’s Emotion & Self-Control Lab Techniques such as self-distancing, visualisation, and reflective self-talk ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Be intentional with your own self-talk—your children are learning from you. Use playful, imaginative language to teach kids how to create emotional distance. Encourage children to reflect on past successes to fuel future confidence. Practice third-person self-talk together to turn overwhelming moments into teachable ones. Keep emotional regulation tools simple, visual, and consistent. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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#1224 - Awards, Assemblies and Away Days
Could the way we celebrate kids at school actually be leaving many of them behind? In this episode, Dr. Justin and Kylie Coulson unpack the hidden costs of awards, assemblies, and school trips. From motivation to mental health, they explore how traditional recognition systems can impact children—and what we can do instead to help every child feel seen, supported, and valued. KEY POINTS: Awards ceremonies often benefit the same high achievers, leaving many students feeling invisible or unworthy. External rewards can reduce intrinsic motivation, especially in areas of creativity, effort, and behaviour. Assemblies can either unite a community or create anxiety and disconnection, depending on how they're run. Away days and camps offer valuable opportunities for growth—but need to be inclusive and purposeful. Children thrive when they feel seen, valued, and part of something bigger than themselves. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:“Kids don’t need a trophy to know they matter. They need connection, encouragement, and a belief that they belong.” KEY INSIGHTS FOR PARENTS: Praise effort and process, not just outcomes. Be cautious about over-relying on rewards—consider what motivates your child from within. Talk with your child about how school events make them feel—do they feel recognised and included? Encourage educators to focus on connection and belonging in school-wide activities. RESOURCES MENTIONED: Deci & Ryan’s research on Self-Determination Theory Studies on rewards and motivation from Alfie Kohn and Carol Dweck Justin Coulson’s book 10 Things Every Parent Needs to Know ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Ask your child how they feel during awards assemblies—validate their emotions. Focus your praise on effort, character, and perseverance rather than outcomes. Advocate for inclusive school events that celebrate all students, not just a few. If your child misses out on recognition, remind them of their value through connection and encouragement. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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#1223 - The Data Around School Mobile Phone Bans is Mind-Blowing
Justin and Kylie dive into startling new data showing the positive effects of mobile phone bans in Australian schools. They explore statistics that reveal significant improvements in student learning, behaviour, and classroom engagement and reflect on the broader implications for parenting and screen time at home. KEY POINTS: The mobile phone ban in schools has led to 87% of students being less distracted 81% reporting improved learning 63% drop in critical incidents involving social media 54% reduction in behavioural issues Government intervention in screen and phone use is proving effective. Removing screens from classrooms and delaying smartphone access at home are strongly recommended. Analogue tools outperform digital ones in fostering better learning outcomes. Data from vaping bans also support the case for limiting access to harmful digital content. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:“Kids don't need smartphones. They need smart parents, and smart parents give their kids dumb phones.” – Dr. Justin Coulson KEY INSIGHTS FOR PARENTS: Delaying your child's access to smartphones helps them focus, learn, and behave better. School phone bans are effective, but more impact can be made at home and in broader digital habits. Parents shouldn't rely on children to self-regulate in an adult digital world—protection and guidance are necessary. Government restrictions, while imperfect, are valuable in safeguarding children. RESOURCES: Unplug Childhood [Join the village!] Kids Need Smart Parents, Not Smart Phones [Article] ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Delay giving children smartphones as long as possible—opt for dumb phones with basic functionality. Set boundaries around screen use at home, especially for social media and unsupervised access. Support analogue learning tools at home and advocate for them in schools. Stay informed about government policies that affect your child’s digital environment. Have open conversations with your child about the purpose and risks of digital devices. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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#1222 - Taking Control of Self-Control
Can self-control be taught? In this episode, Justin and Kylie explore the science of self-regulation and how parents can help their kids—and themselves—build better habits. Drawing on an insightful interview with Professor Ethan Kross, author of Chatter, the conversation highlights strategies for boosting motivation, building emotional resilience, and taking control in those tricky moments where willpower fails. KEY POINTS: Self-control is not an innate trait—it's a skill that can be learned and strengthened. Motivation plays a crucial role in our capacity for self-control. External factors like being hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or stressed (HALTS) reduce our ability to regulate ourselves. Self-distancing, including the “Batman Effect,” can help children and adults manage strong emotions and make better decisions. People who appear to have strong self-control often just design their environments to avoid temptation. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:“People who seem to have the most self-control often set up their environments in such a way that they don’t need to exercise it at all.” KEY INSIGHTS FOR PARENTS: Teaching kids self-control starts with helping them understand triggers and setting up supportive environments. Self-control can be undermined by stress and unmet needs—parents should be compassionate, not critical. The “Batman Effect” (asking “What would Batman do?”) helps kids take a step back from their impulses and act with intention. Modelling healthy responses and acknowledging your own challenges shows kids that emotional regulation is a lifelong practice. RESOURCES MENTIONED: Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It by Ethan Kross HALTS acronym (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Stressed) Ethan Kross’s full interview (to be aired Saturday) happyfamilies.com.au ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Teach kids about HALTS—help them recognise when their emotional state is affecting behaviour. Use the “Batman Effect” or similar strategies to encourage self-distancing during challenging moments. Model self-control by setting up environments that reduce temptation (e.g., not keeping junk food at home). Have regular conversations about motivation and how it supports goals and values. Tune in to the full interview with Ethan Kross for deeper insights and practical tools. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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#1221 - My 3 Year Old is Destroying the House!
Justin and Kylie respond to a heartfelt question from a mum who’s at her wit’s end with her highly creative—but very destructive—three-year-old. From nail polish on couches to crayon art on every surface, they explore what’s developmentally normal, why punishment may backfire, and how parents can redirect energy with connection, supervision, and playful problem-solving. KEY POINTS: Destructive behaviour in young children is often a sign of creativity and a desire to explore. Supervision and engagement are key to reducing mischief. Each child is different; parenting approaches should adapt to each child’s needs and the family’s season of life. Redirection and empathy are more effective than blame and punishment. Quality time and creating opportunities for appropriate creative expression can help children feel seen and understood. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:“Kids don’t lie the way adults do—they tell us what they wish the truth was.” KEY INSIGHTS FOR PARENTS: Your child is not bad. They’re curious, creative, and still learning. Meet big messes with calm, not shame. Use redirection to teach without damaging trust. Invite cooperation by focusing on problem-solving together rather than punishment. Blaming doesn’t teach responsibility—connection does. RESOURCES MENTIONED: I’ll Do Better Tomorrow, I Promise by Maurine Reynolds Adamek “Lessons Learned” Substack by Beck Delahoy—Blame and Shame Doesn’t Solve Anything ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Create safe, designated spaces for creative play—paper, washable markers, etc. Increase supervision during high-risk moments (e.g., when things go quiet!). Spend intentional quality time daily, even in short bursts. Use imaginative redirection—like the “wicked mouse” approach—to encourage responsibility without shame. Clean up with your child, not as punishment, but as a shared problem-solving opportunity. Reflect on whether expectations are realistic for your child’s developmental stage. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
The Happy families podcast with Dr. Justin Coulson is designed for the time poor parent who just wants answers now. Every day Justin and his wife Kylie provide practical tips and a common sense approach to parenting that Mums and Dads all over the world are connecting with. Justin and Kylie have 6 daughters and they regularly share their experiences of managing a busy household filled with lots of challenges and plenty of happiness. For real and practicable advice from people who understand and appreciate the challenges of a time poor parent, listen to Justin and Kylie and help make your family happier.
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