The Dad & Daughter Connection

Hey dads, welcome back to Dad Connections in 5—your five-minute guide to building stronger, deeper relationships with your daughter, one moment at a time. I'm Dr. Christopher Lewis, and today we're diving into a season that can feel like uncharted territory for a lot of fathers:
How to stay close to your daughter during the teenage years.
Let's be honest—this phase is a big shift. The little girl who once wanted to hold your hand at the park may now spend more time in her room, scroll her phone for hours, and roll her eyes more than she talks. But here's the truth that matters most:
She still needs you—just in a different way.
So today, I'll give you three practical ways to stay emotionally connected to your daughter through the ups, downs, and changes of the teen years.

Why the Teenage Years Are Critical
These years are full of questions:
"Who am I?"
"Do I fit in?"
"Can I trust myself?"
"Do I have value, even when I mess up?"
And while your daughter might act like she doesn't want your input, what she really wants is for you to show up—consistently, calmly, and without judgment.
When you do that, you teach her:
That her voice matters
That she can trust herself and her choices
That you'll be a steady presence, no matter what
Let's look at how to make that happen in everyday life.

3 Practical Ways to Stay Close
1. Shift from Control to Curiosity
In the early years, parenting was about protection and instruction. But now? It's about guidance and trust.
Instead of:
"You need to do it this way,"
Try:
"What do you think is the best next step?"
"How did that decision feel afterward?"
This keeps the door open without shutting her down. Show her you're more interested in understanding than correcting—and she'll keep coming to you.

2. Create Rituals That Stay Consistent
Teenagers crave freedom, but they also need structure and connection. Even if she's busier, you can build in small rituals that anchor your relationship.
Weekly coffee runs or lunch dates
Friday night walks
Driving her to school and using that time to talk—or just be quiet together
Sending a text that says "I believe in you" before big moments
These habits become a signal: "No matter how old you get, I'm not going anywhere."

3. Be the Calm in Her Chaos
The teen years can feel like emotional rollercoasters—and your daughter needs at least one person who stays calm, even when she's not.
When she slams the door, gets frustrated, or messes up:
Don't match her energy.
Don't make it about your disappointment.
Instead, offer grace and presence.
Instead, say something like:
"I'm here if you want to talk."
"I'm still proud of you, even when things are hard."
"This doesn't change how much I love you."
That kind of steadiness builds deep trust—and it lasts a lifetime.

Quick Takeaway: Try This Today
Here's your challenge:
Reach out to your teenage daughter today in a way that feels natural—but intentional.
Send her a simple "thinking of you" text
Ask how you can support her this week
Suggest one small, low-pressure hangout (even if it's just picking up takeout together)
She might not always say it, but these gestures send the message loud and clear:
"I'm still here. I'm still on your team. And I'm not giving up on staying connected—even when it's hard."
That's it for today's Dad Connections in 5. If you're in the thick of the teenage years—or you're about to be—just remember: connection during this season is about being present, patient, and persistent. You've got this.
Until next time—keep showing up, keep trusting the process, and keep being the dad she'll always know she can count on.
If you enjoyed this episode, we ask you to take a moment to take our Dad and Daughter Connection Survey to let us know more about you as a dad. You can also sign up to get our newsletter to stay connected to our community, and we will send items of interest to you to help you to be the dad that you want to be. Feel free to follow me on the following social media platforms: Facebook, Facebook Group, Instagram, LinkedIn, X.

Hey dads, welcome to another episode of Dad Connections in 5—your five-minute boost of practical advice to help you grow closer to your daughter, one conversation and one moment at a time. I'm Dr. Christopher Lewis, and today we're digging into a powerful parenting skill:
Turning life's curveballs into teachable moments.
Here's the truth—things don't always go as planned. Your daughter is going to face disappointment, frustration, failure, and change. She'll spill the milk, miss the goal, get the wrong grade, lose a friend, or just have one of those days.
And in those moments, how you respond can either shut her down—or help her grow.
So, let's talk about how to use unexpected challenges not as roadblocks, but as relationship builders and life lessons she can carry forward.
Why These Moments Matter
It's easy to teach when everything is going right. But the real magic happens when life isn't perfect.
When you step in with empathy, patience, and perspective, you help your daughter learn:
How to handle stress with grace
How to reflect, adapt, and move forward
That she is never alone in her struggle
You're not rescuing her—you're coaching her through it. That's the kind of dad that changes lives.
3 Steps to Turn Challenges into Growth Moments
1. Stay Calm and Present
Before anything else—take a breath. Challenges can trigger your emotions too. But your daughter is watching how you respond.
Instead of jumping into "fix-it mode" or reacting with frustration, model calm curiosity. Try:
"That didn't go the way you wanted, huh?"
 "Do you want to talk about what happened, or just sit for a bit?"
Your calm presence sends the message:
"This is hard, but we'll figure it out together."
2. Ask Questions That Build Reflection
After emotions settle, help her reflect—not by giving her a lecture, but by guiding her to think critically.
Try questions like:
 "What do you think went wrong?"
"What would you do differently next time?"
"What did you learn about yourself?"
You're teaching her that mistakes and challenges aren't dead ends—they're doorways to learning.
3. Celebrate the Effort, Not Just the Outcome
If she tried something hard and it didn't work out, highlight what went right—even if the result wasn't perfect.
Say things like:
"I saw how much effort you put into that project—I'm proud of your dedication."
 "It took courage to step out of your comfort zone. That matters more than the result."
You're reinforcing that resilience and growth matter more than success on the first try.
Quick Takeaway: Try This Today
Here's your challenge:
The next time your daughter faces a challenge—big or small—pause and ask yourself one question:
"How can I use this moment to help her grow?"
Then respond with:
Calm support
A curious question
Encouragement for her effort
Even if it's just a spilled drink or a tough day at school, your reaction can help her learn that mistakes don't define her—they refine her.
That's it for this episode of Dad Connections in 5. If this helped you reframe those frustrating or messy moments as powerful teaching opportunities, share it with another dad who wants to show up with intention.
Until next time—keep showing up, keep asking good questions, and keep reminding your daughter that she's growing through it all—with you by her side.
If you enjoyed this episode we ask you to take a moment to take our Dad and Daughter Connection Survey to let us know more about you as a dad. You can also sign up to get our newsletter to stay connected to our community and we will send items of interest to you to help you to be the dad that you want to be. Feel free to follow me on the following social media platforms: Facebook, Facebook Group, Instagram, LinkedIn, X.

This week's episode of the "Dad and Daughter Connection" offers a heartfelt and inspiring look at the evolving relationship between a father and daughter as they navigate the world of competitive youth sports, college, and life beyond the field. Hosted by Dr. Christopher Lewis, this episode features David Murray, an acclaimed journalist and author of the new book "Soccer Dad," and his daughter, Scout Murray, who has just wrapped up a successful soccer career at Ohio University.
Unconditional Support & Independence
One of the episode's primary themes is the balance between support and independence in parenting. Scout Murray recalls how her dad never pressured her to follow a specific path and always backed whatever passion she pursued. As she puts it, "[My dad] always just made sure I knew that whatever my passion was, he was going to fully support it." This foundation of acceptance empowered her to chase ambitious goals in soccer—her journey marked by her own drive rather than parental expectations.
David Murray admits his lack of soccer expertise helped him stay out of "coach mode" and instead be a true fan and ally, which fostered a safe space for Scout Murray to grow.
Perseverance Through Challenges
The episode delves deeply into the resilience required to pursue high-level sports, particularly when the journey gets tough. Scout Murray shares powerful stories of long car rides to soccer tryouts, difficult transitions to elite teams, and the emotional strain of not always being a starter. The message? True growth happens when you face setbacks head-on, and finding the strength to persevere means knowing you have supportive people behind you.
Honest Communication & Emotional Openness
A standout part of David Murray and Scout Murray's story is their commitment to honesty and vulnerability. They discuss the importance of admitting mistakes, owning up to less-than-perfect parenting moments, and, above all, keeping communication open—even (or especially) in challenging times. As Scout Murray notes, being able to "share everything that was going on" helped keep their relationship strong through ups and downs.
Lasting Takeaways
Whether you're a dad, a daughter, or simply someone looking for insights into meaningful relationships, this episode offers encouragement to value presence over perfection and emphasizes that taking your child's challenges seriously is one of the greatest gifts you can give.
Want more of these hard-won life lessons and candid, touching stories? Give this episode a listen—you'll walk away inspired to build stronger connections with the ones you love. Catch it now on the "Dad and Daughter Connection."
TRANSCRIPT
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the dad and Daughter Connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:12]:
If you're looking to build a stronger bond with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you're in the right place. I'm Dr. Christopher Lewis, and the dad and Daughter Connection is the podcast where we dive into real stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you navigate the incredible journey of fatherhood. In every episode, we'll bring you conversations that inspire, challenge, and equip you to show up as the dad your daughter needs. So let's get started, because being a great dad isn't just about being there. It's about truly connecting. Welcome back to the dad and Daughter Connection. I am so excited that you're back with us again this week.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:57]:
As always, every week, I love being on this journey with you. As you know, I'm a father of two daughters and this whole podcast was developed for you as someone that is also raising daughters today. And one of the things I love is that every week we can be on this journey together and you can gain something every week to help you to build those stronger connections that you want to have with your daughters. And we do that every week by having opportunities to talk to different people with different experiences that are able to bring those connections to the forefront, whether they're dads, moms, or other individuals that can help you to be that dad that you want to be. And today I'm really excited to be able to have two guests. David Murray and his daughter Scout are here and we're going to be talking about a brand new book that David has out called Soccer Dad. But we're also going to talk about the relationship that the two of them have together. And David is an author of a number of books including Soccer Dad.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:59]:
So he has a number of books that are out there, but he's also an award winning journalist who's writing on sports and other subjects, has appeared in the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, the Atlantic and other publication. And Scout is on her way to graduating from Ohio University after a successful career in soccer at Ohio University. So we're going to be talking about that as well. So I'm really excited to have them both here. David, Scout, thanks so much for being here.
Scout Murray [00:02:24]:
Thank you.
David Murray [00:02:25]:
Great to be here.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:25]:
Well, I'm really excited to have you here today and I always start with these conversations with an opportunity to delve a little bit deeper into the connections that the two of you have. And I know we're going to dig into that a little bit more in the book, but I guess on the top end, first and foremost, Scout, I'm going to ask a question to you. As you think about the relationship that you've built with your dad, what's one thing that your dad did for you that made you truly feel seen, heard and valued as a daughter?
Scout Murray [00:02:54]:
I would say he, since I was little, has always made it very clear that there was no pressure from him to do a specific thing. There was nothing that I felt like I had to do to make, like to impress him, I guess I would say. And he always just made sure I knew that whatever I. Whatever my passion was, he was going to fully support it. So I think when it came to soccer, he never told me what I should do, told me how I should go about things. He kind of just like followed my lead, I guess I would say. And I think that always made me feel super comfortable talking to him about anything, really.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:35]:
And speaking of that, David, I think every dad tries to help to guide their daughters. And how did you balance guiding Scout while also giving her the independence to grow into the person she's become today?
David Murray [00:03:50]:
Well, I think one of my qualifications for being a good soccer dad was that I don't know a damn thing about soccer and I never did. So it wasn't like we were in the car and I was giving her all this advice about how she should have played a certain way or certain shot. So I always kind of approached this as kind of a fan. To some extent, I was grateful that she did not play baseball or football or a sport that I even think I understand. So that was, I think, kind of my main qualification as a soccer parent and scout.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:22]:
I guess looking back at the relationship you've built thus far as well, was there a moment where your dad's support or guidance really had a significant impact on your growth or your confidence?
Scout Murray [00:04:34]:
There was one summer that I think stands out to me when we spent the entire summer going on visits. College visits, college soccer visits. Yeah. We would drive somewhere, oftentimes for seven hours. I would sleep the entire time. He would drive me. And I feel like, I mean, I didn't realize it at the time because I think I was extremely self centered. But looking back on that summer, I think that I look back on it a lot and I think it made me realize, like, how much he's willing to put in to show me how supportive he is of my passions and what I want to do.
Scout Murray [00:05:10]:
So I think that moment is when I was like, okay, if I have this support system behind me, and I really want to do it. I should really just go for it. So I think that's when I really.
David Murray [00:05:21]:
Realized that that was a hard summer for a number of reasons. And one of the reasons was it is horrible to travel with teenagers. They're either sleep or they're awake, and they're looking at Instagram and dying of fomo. Even though their friends are just kind of hanging out somewhere in Chicago, they're never there with you. And the second they are there with you, they're trying to get you to listen to their music, and you're trying to listen to it and care about it, but you can't quite do it well enough. And it was, like, the longest summer. We were hoping it would be fun. It was not really fun, but it was productive.
Scout Murray [00:05:59]:
And it's good to look back on.
David Murray [00:06:01]:
It is fun to look back on.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:02]:
Yeah. So some of the things you're just talking about, there are finding intentional ways to build those bonds, and you sometimes are forced into those ways, but you also make those as well. So I guess, David, what are some intentional ways that you've worked to strengthen your bond with Scout, even when times might have not been the easiest? Or maybe it was challenging, like a trip where you're not talking a lot, but you're going places. But there's other times, especially in those teenage years. So what are some intentions, Ways that you've done that?
David Murray [00:06:34]:
I mean, a lot of humor. I think she and I tease each other a lot and always have, and that has kind of never gone away, even in hard times. Just staying engaged, like, talking about everything, asking her about what's going on in her life, being up for hearing most of it. There's stuff, as a dad you don't want to hear a lot of. Like, during high school, there's a lot of social stuff that's uncomfortable to hear about. There was a show that Scout wanted me to watch that was. That was trying to portray. It was a show.
David Murray [00:07:04]:
What was that show? It was about a high school in New York.
Scout Murray [00:07:07]:
Oh, yeah. Grand army or something.
David Murray [00:07:09]:
Grand army or. It was a show like that. And it was about this high school in New York where all these terrible things were happening. It was just high school society. And she said, you got to watch this, dad. You got to watch this to understand what this is like. And I was like, I hate this show. I.
David Murray [00:07:23]:
And I watched four episodes and that as far as I could go. But I did watch the four. It was like shaving my head with a cheese Grater. Because it's just really hard. And I think about my parents. They were great parents, but they weren't getting down in there and engaging in ways like that. I had no company like that.
Scout Murray [00:07:39]:
I do think we, even during hard times, are, like, very honest. And I think part of that is just, I'm an open book. I don't keep things in well. So I think instead of just acting out, I would act out and then be like, this is why I acted out. And we talk about it the next day. There was never a fight that wasn't talked about. I feel like if something happened, it was, well, this clearly needs to be talked about. So I think just, like, honesty and trying to just, like, share everything that was going on.
David Murray [00:08:09]:
So you're taking credit for our wonderful.
Scout Murray [00:08:10]:
I am. My openness.
David Murray [00:08:12]:
I actually think that's true. I think there have been times where I've wished she would gild the lily a little bit and not tell me everything that's going on, but not so much. I mean, in the book. And the college experience was really interesting to me when I went off to college. And you might relate to this, too. I don't think I talked to my parents until Thanksgiving, and then I don't think I talked to them again until spring break. I mean, you'd had to go down the hall and call on the payphone and call. I mean, Scout would facetime me after practice on the way to class, and it was just no big deal.
David Murray [00:08:42]:
It wasn't a show she was putting on. She was like, I had a bad practice, or I had a great practice, or, we were up way too late last night. And so. And we were always talking about this. In the book, I talk about, you know. You know, where my dad was during this time in his life. He was marching to Berlin in World War II. And I said, like, I wonder what his parents would have done if they'd had the same communications.
David Murray [00:09:04]:
And they probably would have been sending him nice text messages about his march, wishing him well on his march to Berlin. It's a different time, but it's the technology, which we complain about a lot, which has ruined a lot of things, has made this kind of communication a lot more natural and easy. When we talk to our parents once every couple months, even if it's once a week, you were kind of putting on a show for him. You were telling him everything was all right. You were telling them you were getting good grades. And when it's. When it's daily like that, you can kind of maintain a More human, easygoing relationship, Definitely.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:35]:
Now, Scout, one of the things, I guess, that I'm interested in is the relationship with your dad. And how does that relationship influence the way that you navigate life, relationships, or challenges that you deal with?
Scout Murray [00:09:47]:
Yeah, I think I've actually talked about this with my friends because I think a big thing in this. I see it a lot on social media is, like, if a woman has had a bad relationship with their father, they have a really hard time navigating relationships, especially, like, romantic relationships. And I think. I mean, he is just, like, set the expectation of, like, how a man should treat anyone, like, let alone women. And I think I've, like, taken that very seriously. And he always jokes about he's not the kind of dad that is, like, super mean and scary to any boyfriend I bring home, which I think is a good thing. But, yeah, just like, you don't need to be. I don't think.
Scout Murray [00:10:33]:
I think I view men differently because of him. You don't need to be this extremely strong, masculine, crazy man. Like, you can just be a normal human being and emotional and kind.
David Murray [00:10:47]:
And so I think I'm a big crybaby.
Scout Murray [00:10:49]:
Yeah, he's a crybaby. So I think it's okay for men to.
David Murray [00:10:53]:
I loved your episode not long ago that it's okay for dads to make mistakes and admit it, that one Scout does not need to listen to.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:00]:
She.
David Murray [00:11:01]:
I know that we get that.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:03]:
Speaking of mistakes there, David, I guess as you think about your relationship and how you've built that, what's a mistake that you've made as a father, and what did you learn about it or learn from it about fostering better communication with Scout?
David Murray [00:11:17]:
Well, I talk a lot in the book about that as a soccer parent, but I think this is completely universally true. I think the fundamental problem of being a parent is you have two instincts, two things you need to do. You need to keep this kid alive. And in that way, you need to protect them and guide them and make sure they go in the right direction. But you also need to show this kid how to live, which means you let him do stuff. They do stuff. They make mistakes, they screw up. And in, you know, in soccer, that means, you know, not telling them.
David Murray [00:11:46]:
You got to play on this team. You got to do this. You got to apply to this school. This is your life. Like, a lot of parents get really prescriptive, and they start pushing their kids in directions and to the point where the kid must start wondering, am I doing this for them or for me? I made Mistakes on the other side, at least in soccer, I don't know about it. In life, I let it all play out. I figured if she was talented enough and wanted it enough, it would happen for her. That turned out to be basically incorrect.
David Murray [00:12:16]:
And we. And there were. There was a moment where she had to go up to a higher league. And that might have happened a year before had I been a little bit more on the ball. And I basically feel like I was lazy about that. But you make mistakes on each side of that equation. I think a lot. And I think the parents who in general figure out how much freedom to give and how much guidance to give, I think.
David Murray [00:12:38]:
And I think that's a daily agonizing problem for every parent all the time. And I think I've done a decent job at that most of the time. But when I've made mistakes, I've made mistakes by being lazy.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:48]:
I think let's move over to the book too, because you started talking about that. And one of the things that I noticed early on in the book was that you describe the soccer journey as starting innocently enough and something and then slowly becoming something far more consuming. So I guess looking back together now for both of you, when do each of you think the dream subtly shifted into something heavier? And did you realize it at the same moment or at different times?
Scout Murray [00:13:15]:
It's kind of a confusing story because I think if you asked me when I was seven what I wanted to do, I would say be a professional soccer player. I was very committed from an early. I mean, he still says I never, ever would have missed a soccer practice, ever. And it wasn't because I felt guilty. It was just because I genuinely loved soccer more than anything. And the soccer setting in Chicago is very interesting because it's not super, super high level inside the city. So I think I just was like, if I'm playing on a decent team and I'm the best player and I love all my teammates, I'm gonna play at a super high level. Like, I had never been told otherwise.
Scout Murray [00:14:00]:
That's just kind of what everyone. I was known as the SOCCE player. I made varsity as a freshman at my high school. Everything was going. Seemed to be like, going great. And then right about when Covid hit, I started training with a new trainer. And he basically was like, if you don't get better, you're not going to play D1 soccer. Like, let alone the top schools, you're not going to play D1 soccer.
Scout Murray [00:14:23]:
And that was a wake up call for sure. And I just Decided. I remember, like, I think I just one day was like, I need to change clubs. And I just decided, like, I need to step it up. Like, I just know I do. So we tried out for the best team in the state. And that was a terrible wake up call. I mean, so many tears.
Scout Murray [00:14:42]:
Yeah, it was a terrible. So I think in that moment was when we both were like, oh, yeah.
David Murray [00:14:49]:
There'S a scene in the book where she shows up at this tryout, and it is the best team in the state and maybe in the nation at that time. And so I was there with her. What we both saw, we were unprepared for it. And there was crying all the way home by her and silenced by me because I had nothing to say at that point. She had to switch clubs, and she had just gotten her driver's license. And now she's driving herself to an hour north of town for this soccer, for this torturous, incredibly hard, not very nice people around this team soccer. And she cried all the way up half the time, and she cried all the way back half the time, but she did it.
Scout Murray [00:15:27]:
But that. I think that is when, like, we both realized. It wasn't even a question whether I was gonna do it either. I had a tissue box in the passenger seat and would, like, seriously cry because I dreaded it so much. And the fact that, like, it was just. I. I have, like, many notes that I wrote of me saying, this is all for a reason. Like, this is all for college.
Scout Murray [00:15:53]:
So I think that's when I realized. Actually, I don't even think I realized it in the moment. I was just like, this is what I have to do. But I think looking back, that is, like, very telling of how much I really did want it and how much work I was willing to put in.
David Murray [00:16:07]:
And nobody was telling her she had to do that. She decided to do that.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:16:11]:
What you just said there, not every person would be willing to keep going. And that says something to push through the pain of the hard times and come out at the. The other side of being able to play D1 soccer, even though you did have to go through some hard times to get there.
David Murray [00:16:28]:
I mean, it's amazing. All parents look back. You see your kid as this little baby who basically couldn't feed herself. And you kind of. At some levels, at some level, you see them as that always. And then you look back and, like, I look back at what she went through with during COVID Cold calling these schools. Every. All these guys went through Covid.
David Murray [00:16:48]:
Then all this torture of Driving to this. These horrible practices. Then there was tort that. That there was nothing guaranteed. Then it was more torture to get into colleges. And you just look back and go, this kid was just doing all that and just showing so much character. And you just kind of. I'm amazed.
David Murray [00:17:04]:
Looking back at it, it looks more amazing. Going back at the time, I was not, like, cheering from the sidelines all the time. I was telling her, did you call? Did you email that? Those guys? But looking back, she did almost all that by herself, and it was amazing.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:17:17]:
You know, I think back in looking at the book scout, your dad wrote honestly about moments when his emotions or reactions didn't align with what you needed as a player or even as a daughter. So I guess as you think about that from your perspective, what do you most wish that parents understood about what kids actually feel during and after games?
Scout Murray [00:17:40]:
I honestly think that's not an easy question to answer because I don't think there's anything that can be said. Like, unfortunately, I think. I mean, from my experience, I was, like, asking for something to be said, but whatever was said wasn't gonna work. And I knew that. But I think I would text him, how did you think I played? And I would never text him that if I played well. Like, ever, ever would I text him that if I played well? Because it's like, I. Well, I played great. Like, you saw it and I felt it.
Scout Murray [00:18:16]:
But if I'm asking, what is he gonna say? Like, he's never gonna be like, you played bad. So I think it's just listening and just hearing, just letting any rant that needs to happen. And I honestly think the only thing you can do is say something positive that happened during the game. I think you did it as. As good of a job as that as you. Like, you worked as hard as you possibly could. He would always say that. And that's true.
Scout Murray [00:18:40]:
That's something I can take away from that. Okay, I. I gave it everything I had. So I think just trying to find something positive to say, but other than that, just. I would say I would avoid any criticism in that moment. Any criticism, because maybe the next day or if they ask or something, but even if they ask right after the game, I would avoid any criticism, because I guarantee you there's already enough criticism inside our heads.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:19:07]:
You know, David, also in the book, there's a number of moments where you name and own some moments when you became the kind of sports parent that you never wanted to be. How did you learn to recognize those moments in real time? And what helped you repair trust afterward with Scout?
David Murray [00:19:23]:
Yeah, I don't think I needed to repair trust with Scout because I don't think Scout was the victim of those things. I don't think. But I remember in the book I talk about a moment when they were like 8 years old and this goalie let a ball through her legs and she was not a good goalie and suddenly was enraged at her and her parents for putting her out there.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:19:44]:
And.
David Murray [00:19:44]:
And I just. You must dissociate from it. I mean, what I really learned was don't sit with the other parents. The parents have this weird culture where they start to make comments and it starts to build on itself and they start complaining about the players and the refs and the coaches and it's like its own virus. So I took the lead of one of our parents who would just stand way down at the very end of the field by himself. If you do that, you're not going to be shouting crazy things at the players. You're down there by yourself. You're more likely to shout crazy things at the players when you're among the other parents and letting yourself get into arguments.
David Murray [00:20:19]:
I would get into arguments with my wife because she had a different way of looking at the game. And I just started just getting away and being by myself. And the other thing that I learned, this was an accident, but I started doing, filming a lot of the games and taking pictures. And that was such a good instinct because it got me in the right frame of mind. It got me in the frame of mind as I'm trying to capture the beauty of this. Who cares if it's a 2 to 1 game in Schaumburg, Illinois, and they're 9 years old? Nobody's going to remember any of the scores. But if I take a wonderful picture of her coming down the sideline or of one of her teammates, then I've got that forever. And it doesn't matter what the score of the game was.
David Murray [00:20:55]:
And doing that put me in the right spirit and got me out of the. The headspace of giving a crap who wins a game among 8 year olds.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:03]:
I can definitely remember those type of games and I can definitely relate to what you're saying with how parents fed off of one another and how that built. So I appreciate you sharing that.
David Murray [00:21:14]:
There was one time in the car on the way home where it was one of those games and the parents were all mad about how the team had played. And we're driving home in the car and Scout's mom and I Are, like, all quiet in the front seat. And I think she's still in our bed. Car seat in the backseat. She was that young. And I remember her going, wait, are you guys mad? She's incredulous. And we were kind of, like, sheepish, like, oh, I guess we are mad for some reason. Get over it now.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:39]:
Scott, one of the book's powerful moments or themes that I noticed was that how much you valued team connection and belonging, not just performance. So for you, when competition got intense, what helped you stay grounded in the joy and the relationships rather than the pressure?
Scout Murray [00:21:59]:
I think that was something that, in college was really hard, and I would say a lot because of my parents, but I think all growing up, it was like finding the joy in the game and finding the joy in having these teammates. And we'd always watch this movie, Dare to Dream, which was. What was it?
David Murray [00:22:19]:
The 199099 Women's World Cup.
Scout Murray [00:22:21]:
Women's World cup team that was just so close and so had so much fun together. And so I think I really wanted to play D1 soccer because I love the game, but also because I know I've seen it, how close these teams get. And so I think that's what I wanted my whole life. And finally getting there, I did get all of that. I got my best friends, my future bridesmaids, hands down, the best friends I've ever had. But I think because it is such a competitive level, it was really hard for me to remember that at times. And I think it's hard to not become selfish, honestly, because at the end of the day, you never want to be the person that's not playing. There were times when I.
Scout Murray [00:23:09]:
Every single one of my best friends were in the starting lineup, and I'm the only one that's not. And that was, like, really hard to deal with. Like, okay, I absolutely love these people, and I do anything for them. But I also hate you right now. I really do. Like, and it was really hard to, like, figure that out. And I think looking back, there were so many moments that I would hate them. At practice, we'd get in a fight.
Scout Murray [00:23:37]:
I mean, this was, like, intense. Every single practice was, like, this intense. And then after, who would I be crying with about it? All of them. So it was just looking back, I'm like, I really was grounded the whole time. I knew these are my people. I think in the moment, though, it was hard to recognize that. But I think looking back, they were the reason why I was doing it. And if I didn't have them, I couldn't have done four years of such intense competition.
David Murray [00:24:06]:
And I think Scout going in, valuing that made her very much of a social leader on the team. She wasn't the team captain, but in a lot of ways, I think if you ask these folks, she'd say she was a big important part of the bonding and culture of the team because she sort of knew going in that that was part of her mission. Maybe a little bit more than some of the other players knew going in.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:24:27]:
Now, I know you both talked about the journey to the D1 and being able to get to that point in the scene in the book surrounding the Division 1 scholarship offer. It really was filled with, I could tell, relief, tension, second guessing, some silence. If you could revisit that car ride now, what would you say to your younger selves and what would you say to other families facing that exact moment?
David Murray [00:24:55]:
I think that's partly just natural to feel that way. I would prepare people. It doesn't matter. If you want to be a physicist and you get into Harvard and you're going to be the great physicist, you go from the world being your oyster to a very specific thing that's now happening to you. College seems to close up the possibilities. And so even, yes, we'd gotten her scholarship dream. She was going to get a scholarship. She was going to play Division 1.
David Murray [00:25:22]:
But, well, it's at this school, it's in Ohio. At that time, it was only a 1/3 scholarship offer. Did we do the right thing here? You feel like your aperture just gets narrowed and you go, this is my life now. I think I would advise people just to be prepared for that feeling. Honestly, I think it's kind of natural.
Scout Murray [00:25:39]:
And I remember being very happy and just excited in the car while we.
David Murray [00:25:43]:
Were yelling at each other.
Scout Murray [00:25:44]:
Yeah, I was fine. I don't know about you, but I think it was also just a lot of fear. Like, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I didn't know anyone from Ohio. Every single person was from Ohio except for me. I had never heard of the school. I didn't know if I was good enough to play D1. There were so many things that I think it was just like a lot of fear.
Scout Murray [00:26:06]:
And I would say the same for you. We had just had no idea what we had just signed up for and we were just going with it.
David Murray [00:26:13]:
I don't think I'd tell anybody how not to feel that way. That's how you feel when you take a big risk.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:26:18]:
So, Scout, your dad said at the beginning you played Your last soccer game for ou. Now that you're on the other side of the journey, what did soccer give you that still shapes who you are today? And what, if anything, did it take that surprised you?
Scout Murray [00:26:32]:
I think I now know how much strength I have and how much I really can do if I really want something. And I would say all the little things that I did, one moment in particular is in the middle of my junior year season. I had just come back from an injury. I was no longer playing much. I had gone from starting to playing 20 minutes a game. And I was so deeply wounded. I genuinely felt like I was heartbroken. And I still got up every morning at 6am in the cold, dark weather and practice extra for an hour before practices.
Scout Murray [00:27:12]:
And I think knowing that even when I'm in that deeply sad state, I can still do really hard things, I think I can take for the rest of my life, even when things aren't going well or I had no idea if going extra was going to make me play. There was no promises. So I think I can take that into my job, my relationships, into a lot of areas in my life. Something that it took from me, I actually don't know.
David Murray [00:27:39]:
I talk in the book about the opportunity cost of all this. When your kid's little, you want them to see all of life. You want them to see every aspect. You want to introduce them to art and music and books and culture and places and Paris and Istanbul. And I'm a journalist and so I. I saw a lot in life and I wanted her to see everything. And I will say that if you get your kid involved in youth sports, that eliminates some of those things. We did a lot.
David Murray [00:28:09]:
Scout went to China on an exchange program. We went to Thailand. We did a lot of stuff as a family, and she did a lot of stuff herself. Soccer wasn't her whole life, but even so, you spend a lot of time at Hampton Inns, you spend a lot of time on the road to soccer tournaments, and you spend a lot of the time think and talking about soccer. And so I don't know if Scout feels that cost or something, but when I imagine all the possible things Scout could have experienced in her first 21 years, I think soccer sort of eliminated some of those things. And I think that's a fact of life. With as intense as modern youth sports.
Scout Murray [00:28:44]:
Are right now, I don't even think I would say I missed a ton in my youth because of soccer. Maybe I did, but I would say mostly like college, if you decide to play college sports you have to accept that you're going to miss. I mean, I don't have many friends outside of my team is one thing, and that sucks. I mean, they're my best friends, but we're all pretty similar in a lot of ways. We have a lot of the same interests and goals. So I think that is something I missed out on. Meeting a lot of different, interesting people and not being able to travel abroad. I think there was a lot of stuff that I definitely.
Scout Murray [00:29:22]:
College sports are. It's a job. It is truly a job, and you need to be prepared for that, because I don't think we knew exactly how much. I mean, I don't regret it at all.
David Murray [00:29:33]:
But I mean, I remember asking the coach, and I didn't want her to join a sorority, but I said, could she join a sorority, for instance? And he's like, no. No one's ever done that. She's in her sorority. It's called the soccer team.
Scout Murray [00:29:45]:
And I think it's year round, too, which I think D3 is much less year round. And I think people often say, like, well, you're out of season now. It's like, no, it's still practice every single day. And. And. And someone asked me today actually, how are you feeling about soccer ending? And I'm like, you know, I'm really sad, and I think the sadness will hit me later on more. But I am also enjoying being a regular person right now and thinking about my career. I've truly never really had to think about my career until now.
Scout Murray [00:30:18]:
So I think I'm really excited for grad school because that's kind of my time to just be a normal person and dive into my passion in psychology.
David Murray [00:30:27]:
So, yeah, there was a moment when Scott was thinking about trying to go pro and play in Europe, and she said, you know what? How about not? How about let's figure out what else I'm good at? Which I thought was a good spirit.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:30:37]:
You know, I guess the one last thing that I think of when I think of the book is if you are talking to a dad, a dad's listening right now that has a young daughter just starting in her sports journey, whether it's soccer or some other sports. What's one piece of advice that you'd give him so he stays connected to his daughter, not just her performance.
David Murray [00:30:57]:
I think it's the same advice that my dad gave me. It was his philosophy of raising kids. I think it's so easy as a parent to see that what kids are dealing with, whether it's soccer stuff or whether it's friend stuff that it's kid stuff that small problems, you have a mortgage to pay. This kid only has some little dispute with her third grade buddy. To the extent that you can take their problems as seriously as your problem because they're actually much more serious because they're dealing with that for the first time. I've paid my mortgage a thousand times, but they're dealing with that for the first time. And there were times when I didn't do that as a dad. Scub's probably thinking of it right now.
David Murray [00:31:37]:
One time I got so flustered at the amount of sturm undrang about her seventh or eighth grade friends, I yelled, these aren't your friends. These are practice people. Incorrect thing to say. But you feel that way as a parent a lot. I think to the extent that you can take your kids problems as seriously as you take your own because they are serious, you do a pretty good job of parenting if you do that.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:32:01]:
Well, we always finish our interviews of what I like to call the dad connection six and a lot of times it's just a dad on the call. So I love it when we have a dad and a daughter on because I'll ask you both some questions here. First and foremost, scout. What's one word that describes your relationship with your dad?
David Murray [00:32:17]:
Easy.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:32:18]:
And how about you, David?
David Murray [00:32:19]:
I would say close.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:32:21]:
Scout. What's the best piece of dad advice you've ever received?
Scout Murray [00:32:25]:
I actually told him this yesterday when I was younger. He said I was complaining about having to do something I didn't want to do, soccer homework or something. And he said what's a professional? And I said what? And he said someone that does something even when they don't want to do it. And I've definitely taken that I told him yesterday much. I don't think he realizes every morning that I had to go early to soccer practice and didn't want to. I would think about that. So that's definitely.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:32:55]:
Yeah, good job. And David, I'm gonna flip it back on you. What's the best piece of dad advice you've ever received?
David Murray [00:33:03]:
The best piece of advice I got was from a paramedic pal in Chicago who about a week before my daughter was about to be born, he saw that I was, I don't know, I was acting nervous or something. He said, what's the matter? I said, I'm nervous. He said, why? I said, well, well, parenting. He said, what do you think that is? Parenting? Do you think that's like some set of tricks that you're gonna put out there and say all the right things at the right times. He said, no. Ultimately, your kids get you and your wife for 18 years, and you can try to be as good as you can, and you can try to use as many techniques as you want, but basically, if you're good, that's good, and if you're bad, that's bad. And that gave me a sense of comfort. Like, I knew that basically I'm good, basically my wife is good, and that we could only screw this up so much at that point.
David Murray [00:33:49]:
And I think that gives you a little bit of confidence, I think.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:33:52]:
Scout, what's one activity that you and your dad love doing together?
Scout Murray [00:33:56]:
Playing tennis.
David Murray [00:33:57]:
And lately, billiards.
Scout Murray [00:33:58]:
Yeah. Playing pool is our new obsession.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:01]:
And, David, do you echo that, or is there something else that you would add to that?
David Murray [00:34:05]:
Well, I like running half marathons with her, but she hasn't done it since she was 11, so I guess that's out. I love playing sports with her when she was little. I say in the book, a lot of parents are living vicariously through their kids. That's why they. They had kids in sports. I just wanted a playmate. I wanted somebody to play with, and she was always great. From, like, 2 or 3 years old, she would be in pretty competitive sports with me.
David Murray [00:34:26]:
And she was my sports buddy growing up. So we still are.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:29]:
And, David, a couple of questions for you. If you could give Scout one life lesson in a single sentence, what would it be?
David Murray [00:34:35]:
It would be my dad's lesson to me, which was, this was in. In the old timey, sexist way. But he would say, every once in a while, a fellow ought to do something he's a little afraid of. And there have been times in life when I was on the edge of doing something and thought, should I do this? This is scary. And I did that thing, and I think it's always been good.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:56]:
And what's one thing you've learned about yourself since becoming a dad?
David Murray [00:35:00]:
Oh, that I'm an emotional disaster. I like, I don't know how this is with you, but I think about in my 20s, I think I cried maybe once a year. In my early 30s, before I had Scout, maybe I found some reason to cry once a month because I'm movie or something. As soon as she was born, I cry at card tricks and supermarket openings every day. I cry just about every day. I just finished reading the audible version of this book. Yesterday was my last studio session. There's some emotional spots at the end.
David Murray [00:35:32]:
It was so embarrassing. I Just could not get through it. And it is totally obnoxious if you're listening to an audiobook and the author starts crying. So I simply wasn't going to put up with that. But I had to do like, like five takes. So I think I've learned that about myself. I'm emotional and I like that. That's.
David Murray [00:35:47]:
I'm much more emotionally open than my father was. And I feel good about that, actually.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:35:52]:
And finally, for both of you, what advice would you give to other dads who want to build a lasting and meaningful relationship with their daughters?
Scout Murray [00:36:00]:
I would say from an early age, try to be as open and honest as you can, because I think kids pick up on that. That and from an early age it was very clear that there was never lying, there was never secrets. And I think that like really stuck with me. And I was raised with the impression that it was always okay to be honest about how you're feeling and not build up resentment. So I think, and I think sometimes that's hard. I have friends that aren't close with their dads and I think it's because neither of them are honest and neither of them share when they're upset with each other. And I think doing that will create a good atmosphere.
David Murray [00:36:41]:
I think I learned while being honest with her when she would ask me difficult questions when she was young, questions I wasn't sure I should answer. I think I also learned that kids, when they ask you a question, they will let you answer and they'll stop asking questions when they don't want any more information. I can't think of an example right now, but there were times where she would ask me a question, maybe about how babies are born or where all this stuff, and you would answer to a point and then the kid would stop asking and then two years later they'd start asking again. And so I felt that you deciding what kids should and shouldn't hear or can and can't handle, they kind of actually decide it for themselves and they take care of their own business in that way. And you should err on the side of telling more, I think.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:37:23]:
Well, Scout David, I really want to say thank you. Thank you so much for being here today. David, if people want to find out more about you and the book, where should they go?
David Murray [00:37:30]:
They should go to a website called soccer dad story.com you can prerequisite ordered the book. The book is out April 14, but it's available for pre order now wherever books are sold. And it's available in the audible version, which as I said I just finished and I think it's a fun listen.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:37:46]:
Well, again, thank you both so much for your time today and for sharing your story. And scout, I wish you the best as you move into the next phase of your existence post soccer. Now you can sit and watch soccer and enjoy that instead of being on the field specifically, or at least having the pressure of being on a D1 team.
Scout Murray [00:38:07]:
Exactly. Exactly.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:38:09]:
Well, I wish you both the best.
Scout Murray [00:38:10]:
Thank you so much.
David Murray [00:38:11]:
Thanks so much for having us.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:38:13]:
That's a wrap for this episode of the dad and Daughter Connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn't about being perfect. It's about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don't forget, you can find all our [email protected] until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting and keep being the dad she needs.
Musical Outro Performer [00:38:43]:
We're all in the same boat and it's full of tiny screaming passengers Messengers we spend the time we give the lessons we make the meals we buy them presents and bring your A game? Cause those kids are growing fast the time goes by just like a dynamite blast Calling astronauts and firemen Carpenters and muscle men get out and be the world too now Be the best dad you can be Be the best dad you can be.

If you're a father seeking practical wisdom to nurture your connection with your daughter, this week's episode of the Dad and Daughter Connection is exactly what you need. Host Dr. Christopher Lewis welcomes psychologist and author Dr. Kathy Wu to dive deep into what it really means to support your daughter through today's unique pressures and challenges.
The conversation kicks off with stories from Dr. Wu's own girlhood—memories not marked by grand gestures, but by the steadfast presence of her dad. As Dr. Wu puts it, feeling seen and valued came from her father's "indelible capacity to just always be present." This consistent support gave her the freedom to explore life, make mistakes, and develop the confidence to always figure things out.
But presence is only one part of the equation. As today's teens grow up surrounded by social media pressures, perfectionism, and chronic stress, Dr. Wu's new book, The Self Regulation Handbook for Teens and Young Adults, provides evidence-based tools for building emotional resilience. The episode highlights that kids don't learn self-regulation or coping from lectures—they learn it from relationship. Regular, everyday moments—sharing a meal, taking a walk, or simply listening—are where trust is built and emotional intelligence flourishes.
A recurring theme is patience. Dr. Wu emphasizes that supporting your daughter isn't about fixing her problems or making her perfect. Instead, model emotional honesty, validate her experiences, and collaborate. Whether it's managing big emotions or navigating anxiety, being physically and emotionally present is more valuable than having the right answers.
Self-compassion also takes center stage. Dr. Kathy Wu reminds dads that there's no formula for "doing it right." Each father-daughter relationship is unique. It's about understanding, consistency, and unconditional regard—being a grounding presence in your daughter's life.
Perhaps the most powerful takeaway? "Your daughter doesn't need your perfection—she needs your presence." This episode is packed with heartfelt stories, expert advice, and concrete strategies that every dad can use right away. If you care about raising confident, independent daughters, don't miss it.
Tune in to the Dad and Daughter Connection and start building that lifelong bond today!
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TRANSCRIPT
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the dad and Daughter Connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:12]:
If you're looking to build a stronger bond with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you're in the right place. I'm Dr. Christopher Lewis and the dad and Daughter Connection is the podcast where we dive into real stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you navigate the incredible journey of fatherhood. In every episode, we'll bring you conversations that inspire, challenge, and equip you to show up as the dad your daughter needs. So let's get started, because being a great dad isn't just about being there. It's about truly connecting. Welcome back to the dad and Daughter Connection. I am so excited that you are back again this week because every week you, you and I are on a journey together.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:00]:
We're on a journey as we are working together to be able to find the best way to be able to build those strong relationships, those strong connections that we want to have with our own daughters. And today on the dad and Daughter Connection, we're diving into a topic that every dad needs in his toolkit. How to support daughters growing up in a world full of pressure, stress, and constant change. Today Our guest is Dr. Cathy Wu. She's a licensed psychologist, a former professor, and the author of a new book called the Self Regulation Handbook for Teens and Young Adults. Her work is trauma informed, practical and compassion based, giving you real tools to help help your kids navigate anxiety, emotional disconnection, perfectionism, social pressure, and all of that turbulence that ends up happening during those years that they're growing up. I, I really love the fact, as I was reading it myself, that this book is really grounded in evidence based approaches and is written in a way that you can understand, but actually your teens can actually understand.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:08]:
And it's written in a way that your teens would actually read. So for me, that's a positive because you never know what they're going to read. But the book itself has a ton of real life scenarios on topics that kids are dealing with. Things like calming skills and strategies to help young people build resilience, confidence and emotional self regulation. So I'm really excited to have Kathy here today for her to be able to share with you not only some of her own experience in being a daughter, but also some of the experiences from being a, from being a psychologist and from what she put out into the world through this new book. Dr. Wu, thanks so much for being here today.
Dr. Kathy Wu [00:02:48]:
Thank you so much. That was such a lovely Introduction.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:51]:
I really appreciate you being here. As I mentioned, you are a daughter, and I love being able to kind of delve a little bit deeper into your own relationship with your father because that can help to better understand who you are today. So I guess one thing that I'd love to ask you about is what's one thing that your father did that made you truly feel seen, heard, and valued as a daughter?
 Grant Voisinet [00:03:15]:
I can't say that there was one thing, but I think through the combination of his capacity to be very practical as a dad of not just one daughter, but three daughters and a son, he was someone who we didn't necessarily run to when we had distress, but we always knew he was going to be there in the sense that he was very predictable, very consistent and persistent with his presence. He didn't always have the best things to say or the most profound things to say, but he very much was always a present figure. It did help that we had a family business and we all sort of worked together as well. But I think for my sense of feeling seen, it was just his indelible capacity to just always be present and. And I think that really gave me the sense that I was going to be okay if there was anything that I needed to feel his support around.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:10]:
Thinking back, was there a moment where your dad's support or guidance truly had a significant impact on your own growth or confidence?
 Grant Voisinet [00:04:18]:
Yeah, again, multitudes. I think there's been a lot of moments where I've gone to him and wondered, what am I going to with my life? How can I sort of navigate through some of the challenges? And he always said something that resonated and I believed, and that was, I trust you to figure it out. And that sort of capacity to trust me and his moment of going, well, Kathy, I've never had to worry about you. I've never had to stay up late at night wondering what you'll end up doing or how you'll navigate your choices in life. I just. You're not someone I necessarily worry about. And that gave me so much of a sense of freedom to be able to explore. Yes, I've had quite a few different sort of stops and starts with regards to career paths and such, but he always knew that.
 Grant Voisinet [00:05:07]:
I think, and I truly do sort of credit him to this, is that I will figure it out.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:12]:
How has your relationship with your father influenced the way that now you feel like you navigate life, relationships or challenges?
 Grant Voisinet [00:05:21]:
He never really had big emotions anytime when I was seeing him with his. His own challenges, either through his relationship with my mom, who's a lot more vocal and emotionally expressive. He always just seemed so even keeled. And I think that really did sort of set the stage and model for me that my first response shouldn't be through just shouting or yelling or throwing things or blaming or. Or not taking full stock of what's happening. So he was very well measured. I don't know where he got it from, but he had the capacity and he has. He still does have the capacity, sort of sit in that space.
 Grant Voisinet [00:05:58]:
He's not a man of many words, truly. You can sit in the car with him for miles and miles and he'll say really very little. But when the time came for him to respond, it's sort of. He had the capacity to just sort of be very wise with his sort of conceptions of what the issue might be, but never ever said things like, I think you should do this. He'll sometimes say, ask your mom what she thinks. But really, it was just. Just lots of reassurance that things will be okay.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:27]:
Is there anything that you wish that your father had done differently when it came to building your relationship as a homeowner?
 Grant Voisinet [00:06:33]:
Now I have a lot of sort of little projects that I have to do around the house, and it's something that I felt like I was able to kind of see him experiment with and he was able to just fix things and be a handyman. And as a result, I've gained some bit of a confidence and be able to try things myself. But one example comes to mind, and that was during my postdoctoral training. I was on the way to this day treatment program where I was working, and I got a flat on my car and I didn't know what to do because I never learned to switch my tires out. But I was able to call on to two of my colleagues, co interns, and they rolled their sleeves up and they were able to go in and switch out the nuts and the bolts and get it all done. And in that moment, while I was so grateful for their help, I was going, well, how come dad never asked, never taught me this? So he didn't really intentionally seek out to teach me any skills. It was all sort of through osmosis or through observations. And I do wish that at times that he had looked to, hey, what are Kathy's capabilities? And to be able to do a little more guiding and showing as opposed to me just sort of learning through observation.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:47]:
If you could spend an entire day with your dad doing anything, what would it look like?
 Grant Voisinet [00:07:52]:
I think it would just be taking a walk, having a good meal, perhaps doing something a little bit more passive. Because I don't necessarily look to him to sort of have these moments where he is wanting to teach a lesson or talk about himself actually. So so much of it is just very quiet with him and just his presence is enough for me.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:13]:
Now I mentioned you've got a new book, the Self Regulation Handbook for Teens and Young Adults. And I guess first and foremost, before I get into the meat of the book and some of the things that I noticed as a author myself, I know the amount of time, effort, passion you have to have to get to the finish and getting this out into the world. So talk to me about what led you to decide to take that jump, to jump in and to put in that time, effort and passion into creating this and putting it out into the world.
 Grant Voisinet [00:08:42]:
I think I did it out of practicality, to be honest, Chris, and that is I found that I have compiled all of this knowledge and all of these tools, but really didn't have like a centralized place to direct some of my clients to or to be able to even organize my own thoughts. Sometimes as we sort of pick up new skill sets and knowledge, they come in a more or less a haphazardous way, right? Yes, we do sort of intentionally seek out knowledge, but sometimes they're very much just sort of shoved into different file cabinets in our brains. And so this was an opportunity, I thought, for me to organize everything around a central theme, but to also be able to tell a client, hey, this thing we just talked about in session today, I really like for you to learn a little bit more about it or if you're curious about other things related, here is this toolkit and it's packed chock full of really practical skills, as you have mentioned before. And I think they're good to have as just a reference on a coffee table, for instance, so that you really begin to activate and use and repeat. So that becomes secondary skills for a person. And so yeah, I was born out of necessity and practicality, really. And it's also nice to be able to get back to sort of the academic brain, which I left a couple of years ago in pursuit of more robust clinical practice.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:10:01]:
In your book you talk about teens growing up in a world of chronic trauma. Everything from political upheaval to social media pressures, I guess, for dads listening who want to be a calming presence instead of another source of overwhelm. What does showing up as a trauma informed parent actually look like in everyday moments?
 Grant Voisinet [00:10:23]:
I think when showing up for a child, it's less about big moments, it's more about everyday consistency. So I really think that being able to respond to the small stuff. The Gottman Institute, who talks about relationships and intimacy building, right. That the. But in sort of a context of family or a romantic partnership, really draws on this idea of emotional connection and bids that I think is applicable for adult parents and children. So when your daughter tells you maybe a random story from her day, treat it like a window into her world. And those moments really count and allow for the development of trust and allowing for the daughter to be able to talk about bigger things with you when those moments come. I think doing things together certainly is really helpful.
 Grant Voisinet [00:11:08]:
So share activities, cooking, hiking, walking, fixing things, as I mentioned, really create a natural space for conversation and connection. And what we know is that studies have shown that shared experiences are one of the strongest predictors of closeness. And then finally, if I had to just say one more thing, and it is really model emotional regulation and emotional honesty. And when dads show that they are okay with expressing sort of feelings of frustration, nervousness, pride, daughters, they learn how to emotionally identify as well as be able to regulate from that. So you're really teaching her how to handle life just by being real and being honest and being responsive and sort of holistic in how it is that they're navigating the world.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:55]:
Another powerful idea from the book is that self regulation is like a superhero skill. What are some ways fathers can help their daughters build that skill? Especially if they struggle with big emotions, anxiety, or shutting down?
 Grant Voisinet [00:12:11]:
I think this is something that perhaps as I'm thinking more about my own relationship with my father is just the patience. I think that the patience that he was able to show, and I think that more fathers can show, can really allow for a daughter or child to not feel judged based on whatever experiences that they're having or having challenges with. So in order for them to have the capacity to problem solve, right. It's that space gives them enough time to be able to conjure up their own inner strength, to be able to work through some of the challenges. So it's not about helping them resolve a problem, it's about guiding them along the way and again, reinforcing this idea of autonomous decision making and problem solving.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:55]:
You know, a lot of dads say that they want their daughter to talk to them, but that she just won't open up. Based on your work with emotional disconnections, what advice would you give the dads trying to help their daughters feel seen, safe and Understood without pushing too hard.
 Grant Voisinet [00:13:12]:
I think that when it comes to feeling seen, it's ultimately helping a daughter feel that their capacity to sort of taking the world is one that is valid and that is under development and really being able to see that they'll need to get be perfect at resolving any conflicts or issues and they don't have to have the perfect words to describe what is going on makes a huge difference. And so what we really want to help dads understand about their daughters is that they're looking for you to be there to sort of have this sense of grounding, that no matter what happens when they are out in the world, the dad or the parental figure will still have this unconditional regard for them. So it's not about just pushing for them to talk because they do need space, especially during the adolescent years, to sort of experiment and seek out new novelty and experiences, but really to feel that when they come home to you, come home, that you'll always be consistent.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:14:17]:
I love that The. I love the fact that your book blends both humor, compassion, and psychology in a way that I could relate to, but also I could tell that that teens could relate to. How can dads use the same approach with practical skills, you know, not lecturing or passing on judgment to help their daughters navigate through emotions like perfectionism or burnout or comparison.
 Grant Voisinet [00:14:42]:
I think that the reason why perhaps my book feels effective as well as the ways I navigate my client relationships feel really effective, is that I show up as myself. I'm not coming in with any sort of pretenses. I'm not using necessarily jargon because I think they think I will be cool. I think I show up and really I affirm their effort. I affirm their character. I don't look at just their sort of grade or what have you, right? So I really sort of value and respect and honor their presence. And I think fathers can definitely do the same with their daughter. That, with that said, you know, don't necessarily leave out the.
 Grant Voisinet [00:15:20]:
The dad jokes and, and all of that. Be yourself. And if you're going to be a little goofy or unsure, it's okay. I mean, your daughter might sort of roll their eyes and not again, but deep down they understand that you're trying.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:15:33]:
Another thing that you talk about in the book is the importance of self compassion. Many dads struggle with wanting their daughters to be strong while not being overwhelmed. How can fathers model self compassion in a way their daughters will actually learn from?
 Grant Voisinet [00:15:50]:
One thing that I want to remind the parents of daughters that I'm working with are teen daughters in particular is this is all new. It's new for you, it's new for them. And there's no right or wrong way to go about it. It's what's right for you and your child. And I think sometimes parents have a sense that they are doing it wrong, but the person to really judge that is your daughter and yourself in a way that doesn't necessarily factor in societal expectations as heavily. So I think it's really important for parents to see that there's not sort of a one side size fits all approach. It's really about what works for you and your family.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:16:31]:
You talk about grounding mindfulness and coping routines that teens can use when emotions get intense. Because let's be honest, they can get intense. If a dad noticed his daughter is anxious or spiraling or overstimulated, what's a supportive response or even a simple script that he could use in that moment?
 Grant Voisinet [00:16:53]:
There are fortunately really well meaning words that sometimes can stifle conversation or ways in which a daughter might feel that she is able to be fully expressive of her emotions in that moment. And I think that sort of leads back to why I think my relationship with Bai dad was so effective. And that is he wasn't very quick to tell me anything. Sometimes just being able to leave that space open was good. And there was a lot of reflecting back. Oh, you feel angry, oh you feel misunderstood. Oh you feel unseen. And that really sort of was all I needed.
 Grant Voisinet [00:17:30]:
I didn't need anything else from those interactions. And sometimes I think there were moments in which for me, I wanted my dad to self disclose a little bit more. Hey, when I was your age, I experienced this. He didn't do as much of that. But I think that the sense of relatability is what a lot of teen daughters want from their parents as well. From my experience with clients, they just feel like their parents didn't exist before they became their parents. And I think having insight into their background and their upbringing and their development is also really important to continue to build that intimacy and that relationship.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:18:03]:
The final thing that I thought about as I was looking at this book and reading through it is that a lot of dads want to be fixers. They want to fix things fast. But your book emphasizes letting teens have the autonomy and the choice. How can fathers balance offering help with giving daughters independence so that support doesn't feel like pressure?
 Grant Voisinet [00:18:26]:
I think collaboration is really key, especially during this phase of life. It's being able to say, hey, let's problem Solve together. Let's come to some sort of consensus as to what would be helpful and providing maybe menu items like if I were in this predicament or this situation, if I were feeling this way, I would do X, Y and Z. Is there one that you might be interested in from this, this list that I just provided. But really being able to say, you know what, I'm going to leave it to you to ultimately decide what you're going to act on because you're going to actually deal with the consequences of those behaviors. And so being able to say I'm here with you, I'm here, I'm going to though not be providing you all the answers. I will provide guidance if you ask me is really important during this phase of development. So in other words, be physically present.
 Grant Voisinet [00:19:18]:
Offer not just kind of this open ended help, but rather like hey, if there are some practical things I can help you with at this point, here's what I can do and you have to tell me how this fits into your scheme of what, what the situation is and what you you believe the resolution could be. So collaboration.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:19:36]:
Now, we always finish up our interviews with what I like to call the dad connection 6. Now, I usually have these questions for dads and I'm going to ask you four of the six because most of them are geared toward dads, but there's four of them that I want to get your perspective on. What's one word that describes your relationship with your dad?
 Grant Voisinet [00:19:54]:
Peaceful.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:19:55]:
What's the best piece of dad advice that you've ever received?
 Grant Voisinet [00:19:58]:
You'll be fine.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:19:59]:
What's one activity that you and your dad love doing together? Eating any type of food, Anything. What advice would you give to other dads who want to build a lasting and meaningful relationship with their daughters?
 Grant Voisinet [00:20:12]:
Be emotionally present.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:13]:
Well, Dr. Wu, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being here today. If people want to find out more about you and about the book, where's the best place for them to go?
 Grant Voisinet [00:20:22]:
The best place to go for the book is at any bookstore or online retail. And my website is woopsychology.com I don't have any social media, unfortunately, but that's it. And you can find more information out through Ulysses Press, which is the publisher for the book as well.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:40]:
Okay, dads. So this episode has been a powerful reminder that our daughters don't need us to be perfect dancers. They just need us to create safety. So I really appreciate that Dr. Wu was able to show us that self regulation isn't just a coping skill. It's a lifelong superpower and that all dads can help build it every day through empathy, patience and presence. So I highly encourage you to pick up the book and I'll put a link in the notes today because it truly does give you a lot of these tools. A lot of the things that Dr.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:14]:
Wu is talking about, it's all there in print. It's things that you can share with your own daughter for her to read. And I guess if you remember one thing from today's episode, I would say this Kids don't learn emotional self regulation from lectures. They learn it from relationship. So when your daughter's overwhelmed, she's scared, she's angry, or maybe she's silent. She needs your presence, not your perfection. So, Dr. Wu, I just want to say thank you.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:40]:
Thank you so much for being here today, for everything that you shared today, and I truly wish you all the best.
 Grant Voisinet [00:21:45]:
Thank you so much. This was a pleasure.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:47]:
That's a wrap for this episode of the dad and Daughter Connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn't about being perfect. It's about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share this video it with a fellow dad. And don't forget, you can find all our episodes at dadanddaughterconnection.com until next time. Keep showing up, keep connecting and keep being the dad she needs.
Musical Outro Performer [00:22:18]:
We're all in the same boat.
Musical Outro Performer [00:22:24]:
And.
Musical Outro Performer [00:22:24]:
It'S full of tiny screaming passengers we spend the time.
Musical Outro Performer [00:22:32]:
We give the lessons, we make the meals we buy them presents and bring your A game.
Musical Outro Performer [00:22:45]:
Cause those kids are growing fast the time goes by just like a dynamite blast Calling astronauts and firemen carpenters and must some men get out and be the world to them.
Musical Outro Performer [00:23:05]:
Be the best dad you can be.
Musical Outro Performer [00:23:11]:
Be the best dad you can be.

What does it mean to be fully present for your daughter? In the latest episode of the Dad and Daughter Connection podcast, host Dr. Christopher Lewis sits down with Mark Reinisch, author of The Wellness Ethic, to explore the art and heart of intentional, love-centered fatherhood. If you want practical insights, real stories, and meaningful encouragement for nurturing your most important relationship, this episode is for you.
Mark reigns as the perfect guest, bringing not just expertise—he's the father of two daughters—but also vulnerability and wisdom from his personal journey. His story of supporting his daughter Emma through a multi-year struggle with chronic headaches and migraines is deeply moving. Through overwhelming medical challenges, Mark witnessed Emma's resilience and learned the profound impact a father's presence and support can make. Moments of victory, like the day her headaches disappeared, offer hope and inspiration for any parent facing adversity.
The episode's main theme is clear: wellness is not a luxury—it's a responsibility. Drawing from his book, Mark emphasizes that love is "the north star" of wellness for dads. He shares honest lessons learned, admitting mistakes like being overbearing in sports and how tuning in to your daughter's interests, at her pace, creates deeper bonds. This is connection not as a grand gesture but as a daily practice—being present, listening, showing up for games, carving out one-on-one time, and evolving alongside your daughter.
Dr. Christopher Lewis and Mark discuss responding to your daughter's stress and imperfection with compassion, modeling vulnerability, and reframing setbacks as opportunities. Mark's "accept, frame, respond" model from his book is a powerful tool for helping daughters build lifelong resilience and self-compassion.
Another gem from this episode is applying the 80/20 rule: focus on the vital few actions that make the biggest difference in connection, knowing every child's needs are unique.
This conversation isn't obsessed with perfection—it's grounded in love and presence. As Mark Reinisch says, "Connection will evolve as you both grow, but nurture it, and love will always be there."
Whether you're a seasoned dad or just starting out, these lessons will change how you show up for your daughter—and for yourself. Listen now to the Dad and Daughter Connection podcast and start building stronger bonds today!
TRANSCRIPT
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]:
Welcome to the dad and Daughter Connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:12]:
If you're looking to build a stronger bond with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you're in the right place. I'm Dr. Christopher Lewis and the dad and Daughter Connection is the podcast where we dive into real stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you navigate the incredible journey of fatherhood. In every episode, we'll bring you conversations that inspire, challenge, and equip you to show up as the dad your daughter needs. So let's get started, because being a great dad isn't just about being there. It's about truly connecting. Welcome back to the dad and Daughter Connection, where every week we have an opportunity to work together to welcome on this journey that we're on with our own daughters. And today on the dad and Daughter Connection, we're driving into a conversation every father should hear.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:07]:
Our guest is Mark Reinish, author of a new book called the Wellness Ethic. It's a thoughtful and often humorous guide to living a more intentional, joyful and love centered life. In his book, Mark introduces concepts like the Wellness Ethic, which is a valued centered devotion to wellness, and the idea of the self actualized genius, which is that inner voice that encourages us to be our best self. So throughout the book, I really love the fact that he blended personal stories, self reflection, mindset tools and the 8020 rule to make wellness accessible and realistic. And he brings a perspective that matters to this show specifically because he's a father of two daughters himself. So today we're going to be talking about his own journey as a father, but also we'll be talking about some of the things that he learned in writing this book and some of the connections between being a father and what he was sharing in this book for you. In reading the book myself and looking through the book myself, Mark's goal is simple nurture the wonderful gift of our existence and help others do the same. So I'm really excited to have him here to talk to him about both these aspects and to introduce him to you.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:30]:
Mark, thanks so much for being here today.
Mark Reinisch [00:02:32]:
Oh, thank you for having me. Looking forward to it.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:34]:
Well, I'm really excited to be able to talk to you and I know as I just mentioned and, and I know in our conversations you have two daughters yourself and I've got two daughters myself. I and I love being able to start the show really delving a little bit into that and talking about that, that, that bond that Those connections that we have with our daughters. And I guess, first and foremost, I know there probably has been many meaningful moments that you've shared with your daughters, but think about what's one meaningful moment that really stands out to you and what made it so special.
Mark Reinisch [00:03:07]:
I, of course, love my two children dearly. One is 31, Audrey. And then the other is 24, Emma. One experience that I'll point out that I write about extensively in the book was with Emma and she was a high school freshman and she started to have shoulder issues and she had to give up her rowing career because she ended up having shoulder surgery. And we thought, okay, we'll get that fixed and then she'll move on. But then more pain started to occur and then she ended up breaking her ankle at the end of her freshman year because she was going to start getting into cross country running. And so she had put that on hold. Then we were starting to plan once she recovers from that, well, maybe you won't be running soon, but we'll start riding our bikes because we shared a lot of activities.
Mark Reinisch [00:04:01]:
I've always done that with both of my children. And then at the beginning of her sophomore year, she started to get these horrific headaches, basically a level four to six nonstop. And then she started to get migraines. And this was every single minute of every single day. So that continued. We went to every doctor imaginable and it got to the point after a couple months of literally non stop pain that she had to be pulled from school. And this was pre pandemic. So it was a paradigm shift for, for us.
Mark Reinisch [00:04:34]:
And to make a long story short, it ended up being a two and a half year ordeal where every single minute of every single day she had a headache at the level of a four to six. And then five to seven times a day she would get a migraine that would jack up the pain to an 8 to 10 level. So witnessing that happen to her, but then seeing how she never gave up on life, the resilience to overcome that pain and do her darn, to live her life and find meaning, be involved in school activities even though she was homeschool, she still in clubs, and to be fully engaged in trying to exercise and to try to find meaning and joy, it was incredibly inspirational. But going back to your question, Chris, the moment when she started to take Botox, that started to control the migraines better. And then she, the doctor prescribed this muscle relaxant that started to reduce the level of her headaches, but she still had a level three to five headache every single minute of every single day. So it didn't resolve all of it. But then she took this extended version of Flexor all, which was the muscle relaxant, and that miraculously wiped out the headache altogether. And the moment she took it, she didn't tell us anything about it.
Mark Reinisch [00:06:03]:
And for a couple of days, she would not respond to us when we asked, well, is it working? And then after around three days, she told us that the headache was completely gone. She had gone a full day, couple days without any pain after two and a half years. And I'm getting goosebumps even talking about it that moment. Good Lord. Wow. My wife and I will never forget that. It was like a massive ray of sunshine about life's possibilities again for her. So very magical moment because as a father, as you know, as a parent, in a way, you may live through your children, you'll suffer any pain yourself if you can relieve any suffering for them.
Mark Reinisch [00:06:47]:
So for. For that miracle to happen was quite amazing.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:51]:
That's an amazing story. And it really shows also some of the things that we deal with as fathers in regards to really hearing and being present for your daughters when they truly need you and even when they don't need. And I guess as I think about what you just said and talking about that intentionality with both of your daughters, what did you do in the past or even now to truly make your daughter feel valued and heard?
Mark Reinisch [00:07:21]:
A whole bunch of things. One thing I would mention is being very careful not to have them live your dreams and your vision for their life. One of the things that really surprised me with my children is I expected the second one, Emma, to be just like the first one. So the oldest, Audrey, was very personable, athletic, very creative, and she was going down a certain path. And I expected Emma to be a carbon copy. Same parenting style, but they had some similar interests, but very divergent interests. And what I was very careful about is not try to try to shape them in my image other than teaching values, you know, really emphasizing character, challenging them in a way. Actually, that was a common approach with both of my children to help them build a strong moral and growth foundation, but really be in tune with what they're interested in, what they're curious about, what they want to be challenged with.
Mark Reinisch [00:08:26]:
And then once they show an interest in something, how can we double down and triple down and find a way to support that and stretch our means wherever possible to help provide opportunities. So an example, my oldest daughter started to play soccer, and it was many years after her friends had started, so she was behind. But she had a dream to play in high school and really have fun with the sport. So we hired a coach to help skill up. She joined club soccer and all that, But I also would spend weekends at the field running soccer drills, trying not to overwhelm her. But hey, if you want to get better, I'll try to coach you and do basic things to try to improve her skills. Even though I've never played soccer, never really even loved the sport, but now I love the sport because she loved the sport. So being in tune with their needs and helping them and coaching them to get the most out of, you know, their dreams, I can tell just by.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:32]:
What you're saying that you're definitely in the weeds. You're involved, you've been involved through their lives and you've made those intentional decisions to be able to help them to become the women that they've become in their lives. And I guess none of us are fallible, though, and we all make mistakes as fathers. So what's a mistake that you made as a father and what did you learn from it about building a either more positive connection or a stronger bond with your daughters in the end?
Mark Reinisch [00:10:02]:
One example, it's sports related. Again, not everything was sports related. But my youngest daughter took an interest in basketball probably when she was five or six years old, and she just had a natural ability with it. And I've always played basketball ever since I was little. So that was my sport the moment she became interested in it. All right, I'm all in on that. So I became a coach during the summer league and would coach her there. But then this was unlike soccer, with basketball, I have a laundry list of really good drills that are going to build skills.
Mark Reinisch [00:10:37]:
Dribbling, shooting, the strategy of the game. I just love the sport. So here's this 6,78-year-old girl who expressed some interest in basketball. Amazing ability. Now you have an overbearing father who's trying to teach her everything I know about this sport, even offering, hey, if you want to before school starts, let's do some things because you say you really want to be great at this, well, I can help you get there. And I overwhelmed her and turned her off on the sport where she lost interest and moved on. And it was because I was overbearing. I learned very valuable lesson.
Mark Reinisch [00:11:16]:
So the next thing that she was interested in, I would nurture that. I would coach her, but I would be much more in tune with where she wants to go at the pace that she wants to go. And that was incredibly valuable to her.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:30]:
In that I mentioned at the beginning that you have a new book called the Wellness Ethic. And in your book, your book says the meaning of life and the north star of the Wellness Ethic is love. For dads. What does it look like to build a relationship with your daughters where love isn't just a feeling but a daily practice?
Mark Reinisch [00:11:51]:
I think at the heart of it is engagement on their terms. So it's multifaceted, it's being involved and present in their life to the best of your ability because you know things can be hectic, you have a lot of other priorities, but every day it's finding that connection. So some examples could be. And I write about it this in the book. I've always had to work full time and I always viewed it as a job and a half, whether it's traveling, overtime, weekend work. But on the side, I always had side hustles because I was pursuing my dreams as well. So that would be writing a book that took six years, 20 plus hours a week. I launched a social media startup, did that for four years with a co founder, ended up selling that and wrote a dozen screenplays.
Mark Reinisch [00:12:46]:
So I've always been very active on the side. But despite that, the priority was if they have a game, I'm there. We made my wife and I a sacrifice where she wanted to be a stay at home mom. So we found the financial means to be able to do that. And I would carve out time on weekends to go out to lunch with one of the children, one on one and just connect. So it was really finding that quality time or it was coaching them or it could be they wrote a paper for school and they wanted my perspective on it, so I would review it and work with them on creative writing. Even with my social media startup, I gave them a percentage or 2 of the net worth of the company. Not just because I love them, but because they actually played a role in it.
Mark Reinisch [00:13:38]:
They would give feedback on screen designs, they would even design some screens in our try to incorporate some of those aspects into the web design. They would test things, they would post things, use it so they, they were actually legitimately involved in it. So I would find ways to try to involve them in some of the things that I was leading. So it's being very intentional to find ways to connect on their terms, involve them in, in your life and gauge how that's working, is it well balanced? And if you notice a deficit, you gotta reengage and go be because maintaining that connection is so Vital. And that was a big part of my life purpose. So it came naturally.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:14:23]:
Now also in your book you talk about the self actualized genius, that internal guiding force and that encourages us to live as our best, healthiest selves. How can a dad act from his self actualized genius when his daughter is upset, stressed or melting down rather than reacting in frustration, anger or shutting down?
Mark Reinisch [00:14:48]:
Yeah, the book really is a guide to nurturing the wonderful gift of your existence, to getting the most out of your life, building a healthy mindset. And it's all gearing a person up. So you get to the point where you don't react so much to what's happening around you, but you choose your response, you're intentional, the decisions you make. Because at the end of the day there's really just two things you control in life. That is your mindset in the moment. So you can choose to be happy, you can choose to be angry, you can choose to be peaceful, controlled. And the second thing you can always choose is your response to what happens to you. So if you have an angry child who's very upset, you could react, yell, worsen the situation, you could walk away, that could be your reaction.
Mark Reinisch [00:15:37]:
Or you can with, with calmness, as much as possible you can choose a response that's going to help diffuse the situation, look at the big picture and help guide that interaction to a better place. And that all starts with your mindset and that the control you have over how you respond. Then on top of that, Chris, if you really practice some of the principles that I talk about that really defines a self actualized genius, one of the overarching principles, and it ties back to the meaning of, of life, which is to feel and share love. If you take a love centered approach to what's happening around you, if you lead with love, as I talk about in my book the Wellness Ethic, then you're going to approach that situation not from anger yourself, not in a punitive way necessarily, but you're going to approach it through love. And you're going to try to guide your child in a direction that's going to promote love in their life as well. Easier said than done. But if you have that focus, you're going to find that you get better and better at it and your child is learning in the process as well and is seeing a very positive way on how you can deal with conflict.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:16:57]:
So true. And I've seen it in many ways in my own kids lives and the way that I act or react to situations. So and I think that Leads to another point that I noted in your book, which I felt that a powerful part of the book talks about kind of what you were just talking about, that we have to respond to our kids in different ways and the idea of responding perfectly to the imperfect so often rules our life. Dads are like any other humans that are out there and we get things wrong, whether that's through discipline, communication, work, life balance. How do you feel that fathers can model imperfection in a healthy way so that their daughters learn self compassion instead of fear of failure?
Mark Reinisch [00:17:41]:
It's being vulnerable yourself. It's talking about the challenges in your life and how you're dealing with them. It's helping them put in perspective the challenges they have and the mistakes they have. It's not overreacting to when they do something wrong. And it starts with yourself. So if one of my children does something wrong, even today I really have tried to train my mind to think in terms terms of, okay, well yeah, that was imperfect behavior. I wish they hadn't done that. However, none of us are perfect.
Mark Reinisch [00:18:15]:
I've made plenty of mistakes. Show some compassion and focus more on the positive. Well, there's a whole lot to be grateful for because that child of mine is so smart, so compassionate, such a good person, has done wonderful in school, is well intentioned and she may have fallen short in this case but in the big picture she'll learn from it. Not the end of the world. And when you come from it from that perspective, it really can be a game changer and a big part of this. Kristen it's going back to talking about being a self actualized genius or at least striving to be your best self. A big part of being able to do that is building a foundation which gets at wellness and well being. So it's nurturing your mind to be a more positive thinker, to be more grateful for your blessings, to be more resilient, to be able to detach from the bad things that may be happening and choose healthier responses.
Mark Reinisch [00:19:13]:
It's taking care of your body. It's creating positive energy from being more spiritual and bringing more love and connection into your life. It's nurturing positive relationships. When you start to have those pieces come together and understanding they're never going to be perfect. You're always going to be working on things. But that also reflects life in itself. Life will never be perfect for anyone. We always have challenges.
Mark Reinisch [00:19:39]:
But the more you move forward in a positive direction, build healthy habits, you find that you're much more resilient when Stress occurs, you are better positioned to choose your response rather than overreacting. So that's how wellness can really be an enabler to healthy relationships with your daughters.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:19:59]:
I mentioned at the beginning that you write about the 8020 rule for wellness, focusing on the small percentage of actions that create the biggest, biggest impact. If a dad wanted to improve his connection with his daughters using the 8020 rule, what would the vital few practices be?
Mark Reinisch [00:20:18]:
That's a terrific question, and there's no one standard answer. Because what the 8020 rule says is basically, if you focus on the vital few things, let's say the 20% of all the things you could do and focus on the most important things, you're going to get 80% of the positive impact. So you don't spread yourself thin and try to do everything under the sun. But each child and each relationship that you have with your children is different. Your child has different needs, you have different needs, you may have different constraints. So in my example, the 20% that I focused on with my child, Emma, as she's going through the headache, the situation was very different than the 20% I focused on my older daughter who wasn't having those medical issues. So it's really, I believe it's meeting the moment moment based on the reality of where you're at, what's working, what's not working, what does your child need? So that 20% may mean that you do have to rebuild your relationship. You have to find more common ground, spend more time together doing things that you both enjoy to build up that relationship.
Mark Reinisch [00:21:29]:
That 20% in some cases may mean that you need to tutor your child to help them because they may be struggling in school, they may be struggling socially. So you have to, to see how you can support that. They may need to see a psychiatrist if they're really struggling in some areas. So it's being in tune with what their needs are and then determining how can you focus your efforts to meet them based on what they need. So there really isn't a standard pat answer to that question.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:59]:
Now finally today, one final thing that stood out for me in the book is you write about reframing setbacks like, like your layoff, not as a disaster, but as opportunities. And many fathers may have something like this happen to them in their life. So how can dads teach their daughters to see challenges through a productive frame, especially in a world where stress comparison and self judgment are so common?
Mark Reinisch [00:22:26]:
That's such a important life skill, no matter what age you are, what situation. And that goes back to choosing Your response to what happens in your life. And knowing that I was writing a book about wellness again, mind, body, spirit, relationships, your personal and professional pursuits, and on and on. And that to really get the most out of your life, to nurture the wonderful gift of your existence, a big part of that is building healthy habits and introducing meaningful change in your life that you adopt. That stands the test of time. So knowing that that's not easy, otherwise we would all be there, right? I wanted in the early part of the book to build some essential life skills that will help you move forward in a positive direction with confidence in your life. So I had a chapter on building habits, adopting change. And I also had a chapter on this model that I call the accept, frame, respond model.
Mark Reinisch [00:23:25]:
And that is something that you can work with your children on to help them come to grips with challenging situations. So the first step is you accept what is happening, happened. You accept the reality of what has happened. You're not in denial. So if you fail a grade, if your child fails a grade, well, that happened, you know, and you can blame others, but the reality is it still happened. And you have to come to grips with the truth of what happened. Where, yeah, there may have been some extenuating circumstances out of your control, but you may have also contributed to that challenge. So accept the truth of what has happened, then frame it in the most realistic, but life affirming way.
Mark Reinisch [00:24:09]:
What is a positive frame, how you can view it, your mindset towards what has happened, that's going to put you in a position to move forward. So in my life, for instance, when I was laid off the first time at bank of America, it was during the Great Recession of 2008, 2009, job market dismal, housing market plummeting, and I was underwater. But I had just gone through a life coaching certification. So I really had this positive outlook and a lot of tools at my disposal. What I chose to do was to frame that layoff as actually a gift. I wasn't enjoying my life and financial services. I wanted a career change. And this was going to prompt me to find a way to move forward.
Mark Reinisch [00:24:51]:
And I knew that myself and my family were going to find a way to survive. So I had that positive energy to move forward. So framing what has happened in a positive light, yet realistic light is very important because once you have accepted and framed what has happened, then you can choose, choose the best response that's going to move you forward in a positive direction. So when you're coaching your children as they're going through difficulty, you help them to accept and frame it in a positive way. Then you explore with them what are all the different ways that you can move forward and what is going to be the potential outcome of those choices. And as that opens your child's mind to the possibilities, quite often you're going to of see a little spark and some enthusiasm coming into the equation where they're going to think, hey, there's a silver lining here. I can go down a path that could be pretty darn exciting, that helps them to start to move forward. Then you support them on that journey.
Mark Reinisch [00:25:51]:
So it can be a very powerful approach.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:25:53]:
Now, Mark, we always finish our episodes with what I like to call the dad connection. 66 more questions to get to know a little bit more about your own relationship with your daughters. So. So. Are you ready?
Mark Reinisch [00:26:06]:
I am ready.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:26:06]:
What's one word that describes your relationship with your daughters?
Mark Reinisch [00:26:10]:
Love.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:26:11]:
What's the best piece of dad advice that you've ever received?
Mark Reinisch [00:26:15]:
It was from a teacher and it was simple. And they were talking about when they're at the dinner table with their child and there was a second helping. They always wanted that second helping, but they let their child have it. And that simple story spoke volumes about parenting. It's about them.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:26:35]:
What's one activity that that you and your daughters love doing together?
Mark Reinisch [00:26:39]:
We absolutely love to go hiking in national parks, being on mountaintops and just seeing the splendor of nature. We absolutely love that.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:26:49]:
If you could give your daughters one life lesson in a single sentence, what would it be?
Mark Reinisch [00:26:54]:
Move forward in the direction of your dreams and to expand upon the Thoreau quote that I'm sharing, you will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:05]:
What's one thing you've learned about yourself since becoming a dad?
Mark Reinisch [00:27:09]:
When I first became a dad and I wrote about it in the Wellness Ethic, it was incredibly intimidating. I didn't think I could do it. How could I connect with a newborn? How could I nurture a child, help them become an adult? It was intimidating. But then I quickly realized that every father is in the same boat. How on earth do you do this? But millions and billions of fathers have found their way to be able to be really good fathers. And that is such a valuable life lesson to any situation that enter the arena and you will figure out a way to be successful.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:51]:
And finally, what's one piece of advice that you would want to give to other dads who want to build a lasting and meaningful relationship with their daughters?
Mark Reinisch [00:28:01]:
To me, it's all about connection. Finding that bond and nurturing that bond, but being able to, to evolve over time. And that's one of the secrets about any kind of relationship that you have a lot of overlapping interests, love, support, things that you share. And that evolves over time. And it can diverge if you don't tend to it and nurture it. But if you nurture it and evolve as you and your daughter are both evolving and find a way to maintain that connection and it will change, the terms of it will change. But if you maintain that connection, the love will always be there. And so that's what I would.
Mark Reinisch [00:28:45]:
That's the advice I would give.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:28:46]:
Well, Mark, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for sharing all of this today. If people want to find out more about you or the book, where should they go?
Mark Reinisch [00:28:53]:
Well, two places. If you go to any online bookseller like Amazon.com, type in the Wellness Ethic, you'll be able to get a print version, hardcover, soft cover or ebook. Or go to wellnessethic.com for a website on the book book. And one reward is on the website wellnessethic.com there's a video of me in a business attire jumping off a cliff at Crater Lake, 30ft down, 35ft into the water. It's quite entertaining and there's a lot of meaning behind it that I talk about in the book.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:29:29]:
Well, I hope that you've heard today that in this conversation that I hope you've heard today in this conversation that you know, to me, this conversation is a powerful reminder that wellness isn't a luxury, it's a responsibility. And in Mark's words, happiness isn't something you chase, it's something you choose, respond to and build through love. So I encourage you that if today stirred something in you, the desire to be more present, intentional, more connected, I encourage you to check out Mark's book. I'll put a link in the notes today because the book is truly really it's a thoughtful, vulnerable, funny and practical book. It's got a ton of things inside it that'll make you think and help you have a different perspective on not only your own life, but the life that you want to have and the way in which you want to father. So for me, if you take one thing from today's conversation, I would take this. I would say that fatherhood is not about being perfect, it's about being present. You've heard that before in the show show, but you've definitely heard it today.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:30:33]:
Mark reminds us that our daughters don't need a flawless dad. They need a dad who pauses instead of explodes, listens instead of fixes, designs, time for family instead of hoping it magically appears and loves them out loud, not in silence. Because connection isn't about building big moments. It's built in small rituals, software words, shared laughs, and honest apologies. So this week, do something. Choose one thing to do. Take a walk together. Say I love you without a reason.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:31:07]:
Ask what made her smile today. Give her your attention for 10 minutes. That's what this book is all about. That's what the wellness ethic is in action. That's how you nurture the wonderful gift of your existence and hers. So, Mark, again, thank you. Thank you for your wisdom, your vulnerability, and for reminding us to nurture the wonderful gift of our existence. I really appreciate you being here for sharing today, and I wish you all the best.
Mark Reinisch [00:31:33]:
Thank you very much. I enjoyed it.
Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:31:35]:
That's a wrap for this episode of the dad and Daughter Connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn't about being perfect. It's about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don't forget, you can find all our episodes dadanddaughterconnection.com until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting and keep being the dad she needs.
Musical Outro Performer [00:32:05]:
We're all in the same boat.
Musical Outro Performer [00:32:12]:
And it's full of tiny screaming passengers we spend the time, we give the lessons we make the meals we buy them presents and bring your A game.
Musical Outro Performer [00:32:33]:
Cause those kids are growing fast the time goes by just like a dynamite blast Calling astronauts and firemen carpenters and muscle men get out and be the to.
Musical Outro Performer [00:32:49]:
Now.
Musical Outro Performer [00:32:53]:
Be the best dad you can.
Musical Outro Performer [00:32:56]:
Be.
Musical Outro Performer [00:32:58]:
Be the best dad you can.