Parents of the Year

Are You Helping Your Kids Too Much?
Watching your child struggle can make every parenting instinct scream, “Help them!”
But sometimes the most useful thing a parent can do is wait.
In this episode of Parents of the Year, Andrew and Dr. Caroline talk candidly about watching their daughters become increasingly independent and how surprisingly difficult it can be to resist jumping in and fixing things.
From overflowing sinks and flat tires to bank cards, student loans, schoolwork and household chores, they share what happens when parents give kids room to solve problems themselves.
Dr. Caroline explains why independence can start much earlier than the teenage years. A toddler reaching for a toy, a child learning to make their bed or a teen dealing with a problem at school can all practise figuring out what to do before an adult steps in.
You’ll also hear why independence still needs boundaries, how scaffolding can make responsibilities easier without doing them for your child, and why constant nagging can work against the autonomy parents are trying to build.
If you’ve ever caught yourself fixing something your child could probably handle, this conversation may make you reconsider when to help, when to guide and when to simply get out of the way.

Homework for Parents

These exercises closely reflect what Andrew and Dr. Caroline discuss throughout the episode, particularly their emphasis on stepping back, boundaries, scaffolding and reducing friction.
The Three Things Rule
Before solving a manageable problem for your child, ask: “What are three things you’ve tried first?”
Don’t immediately suggest the three things. Give your child time to generate possible solutions.
Your homework: Try this once this week with a problem you would normally solve for them.

The 10 Second Pause
Notice what happens inside you when your child struggles.
Before stepping in, wait ten seconds.
Ask yourself: Are they unsafe, or am I uncomfortable watching them struggle?
If they’re safe, give them another moment.

Hand Over the Tools
Look for one task you normally complete for your child that they could attempt themselves. Instead of doing it, provide what they need. The episode gives a great real-life version of this: Andrew’s daughter needed help, so he dropped off the tools and left her to handle the job.

Reduce Friction Without Removing Responsibility
Choose one responsibility your child regularly struggles to start. Make starting easier without completing the job.
Dr. Caroline describes having the dog waste bags ready when Willow already had her jacket and shoes on. The responsibility remained Willow’s, but one barrier to getting started disappeared.

Set the Boundary, Then Stop Nagging
Pick one recurring responsibility.
State:
What needs to happen.
What choice your child has.
What happens if it isn’t completed.
Then resist repeated reminders.
Andrew and Dr. Caroline describe using this approach with dishwasher duties, where Willow has choice within a clear household boundary.

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Why does every conversation with your child seem to turn into a fight? Why do your attempts to help leave both of you feeling worse?
When a child or teen experiences emotions that feel overwhelming, their brain naturally searches for relief. Sometimes that relief comes through behaviours that worry the adults who love them most, including self harm or other self destructive coping strategies. Understanding why those behaviours develop changes the way we respond.
In this episode, Dr. Caroline Buzanko is joined by therapist and author Katie K. May to explore why validation is one of the most powerful tools for reducing emotional intensity, why regulating yourself comes before trying to regulate your child, and how everyday interactions can either strengthen connection or increase conflict.
You'll learn why emotional validation does not encourage unhealthy behaviour, how to recognise what sits underneath anger and irritability, practical ways to step out of power struggles, and why building connection often starts with simply sharing space together.
If you're supporting a young person with anxiety, emotional dysregulation, depression, self harm, or intense emotional reactions, this conversation offers practical strategies you can begin using today.
In this episode you'll learn:
Why self destructive behaviours often become short term coping strategies
How validation lowers emotional intensity
Why regulating yourself changes everything
How to avoid escalating emotional storms
Ways to rebuild connection after conflict
What radical acceptance really means for families
Practical communication strategies that strengthen trust
About Katie K. May
Katie K. May is a licensed therapist, author, speaker, and group practice owner. She founded Creative Healing, a multi-location teen support center in the Philadelphia area, and wrote the #1 Amazon best-seller You’re On Fire, It’s Fine. Her second book for clinicians, Teen DBT in Practice will be published in July 2026. With lived experience as a teen who turned to self-harm, Katie is one of a select few Board Certified DBT Clinicians in Pennsylvania, the gold standard treatment for self-harm and suicidal behaviors. She equips parents and clinicians with practical, trauma-informed tools to decode behavior as survival and create lasting change. 
Website: www.katiekmay.com  
Instagram for Parents of Teens: https://www.instagram.com/creative_healing  
Instagram for Therapists: https://www.instagram.com/katiekmay 
Linked In: https://www.linkedin.com/in/katiekmay 
Tik Tok: https://www.tiktok.com/@katiekmay 
Resources:
You're on Fire, It's Fine: Effective Strategies for Parenting Teens with Self-Destructive Behaviors https://geni.us/YoureonFireItsFine 

Homework Ideas

Build a Stress Meter
Create your own stress scale from 0 to 10.
Ask yourself several times each day:
Where am I right now?
What do I need before responding?
Practise using calming strategies before difficult conversations.

Validate Before Solving

For one week, resist the urge to immediately fix your child's emotions.
Use statements like:
"I can see this is really hard."
"That makes sense."
"I'm here with you."
Notice how the conversation changes.

Notice and Name Emotions

When emotions appear, simply label them.
Examples:
"You seem disappointed."
"You look frustrated."
"I can see you're angry."
Avoid jumping immediately into solutions.

Spend 15 Minutes Together Without Correcting

Spend fifteen uninterrupted minutes in the same room.
No reminders.
 No criticism.
 No advice.
 No problem solving.
Just share space together.

Practise Your Own Emotional Modelling

When you're becoming overwhelmed, say it aloud.
"I'm feeling frustrated."
"I'm going to take a few minutes."
"I'll come back when I'm calmer."
Your child learns emotional regulation by watching yours.

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Do you ever reach the end of the day exhausted, yet still feel like you didn’t do enough?
Parents are surrounded by pressure to do more, achieve more, improve more, and somehow help their kids do the same. But trying to pursue everything can leave us making very little progress on what actually matters.
In this episode of Parents of the Year, Andrew and Dr. Caroline talk about the difference between having big aspirations and endlessly chasing possibilities. They explore why too many goals can leave us stuck, how comparison and hustle culture feed the feeling that we’re falling behind, and why meaningful progress often comes from choosing one realistic action you can take today.
They also look at what this means for kids. Rather than shutting down big dreams, parents can help children and teens connect those dreams to their daily choices: How are you spending your time? What are you willing to practise? What can you do today that moves you closer?
From writing a book to saving for school to simply texting a friend when they cross your mind, this conversation is a reminder that a meaningful life gets built in the small moments we keep waiting to act on.
If your days feel packed but the things that matter keep getting pushed aside, this episode may change what you choose to do with your time today.

Homework for Parents
The episode naturally gives you several strong activities rather than a formal homework assignment.

The One-Thing Question

Choose one thing you genuinely want to accomplish.
Ask:
“What is one thing I can do today to move towards it?”
Dr. Caroline describes doing exactly this with her book. After years of talking about writing it, she scheduled dedicated blocks every day. At the time of recording, the manuscript was already with a publisher for review.
Try It With Your Child

When your child shares a goal, resist immediately explaining how difficult or unrealistic it might be.
Ask:
“What could you do today that would move you a little closer?”
For a teen aiming for a particular GPA, that could mean studying tonight. For a child interested in art, it could mean drawing for 20 minutes.
The aim is to connect aspirations with behaviour rather than leaving them as distant ideas.

Protect a Focus Block

Choose one important project and put uninterrupted time in your calendar.
Andrew and Dr. Caroline discuss 90 minutes as a useful period for focused work, with one important condition: it actually needs to be focused.
For parents with younger children, 90 minutes may be unrealistic. The principle matters more than the number. Protect whatever amount of focused time your current circumstances genuinely allow.

The “Do It Now” Experiment

For one week, notice small opportunities to act on the kind of person you want to be.
Thinking about a friend? Text them.
Does someone need the door held? Hold it.
Opportunity to be patient with your child? Take it.
Dr. Caroline makes the point that becoming kinder or more generous doesn’t require creating another elaborate project for yourself. The character gets practised in ordinary moments.

Future-Self Check

This one works particularly well with teens.
When there’s something coming up, identify it without turning it into today’s crisis.
Then ask:
“Is there one small thing I can do today that will make this easier for me in the future me?”
Andrew describes this through their daughter thinking about having enough money for the following semester. The future expense didn’t need to consume her present day, but she could acknowledge it and make small choices that helped prepare for it.

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Your child comes home from school. You ask how their day went.
“Fine.”
And now you’re left wondering whether they’re actually fine, overwhelmed, lonely, worried about finding their classroom, struggling with a locker, or simply not ready to talk.
School transitions can bring excitement, uncertainty, social worries, new responsibilities, and plenty of stress. And when parents see their child struggling, the instinct to step in, fix the problem, offer advice, or make things easier can be hard to resist.
In this episode of Parents of the Year, Andrew and Dr. Caroline talk about helping kids through transitions without micromanaging the experience. Caroline explains why validation should come before advice, how open-ended questions help kids build their own problem-solving skills, and why parents need to understand what is actually getting in the way before deciding their child needs help.
They also share practical ideas from their own family, including their “bravery jar,” practising locker combinations before school, building study habits early, and helping kids stretch beyond their comfort zone without taking over.
Whether your child is starting a new grade, moving into junior high or high school, heading to university, or facing another big change, this episode will help you know when to support, when to validate, and when to give them room to figure things out.

Parent Homework Ideas

These activities come directly from the strategies Dr. Caroline discusses in the episode.

The Transition Worry List

Kids often genuinely answer “I don’t know” because they cannot identify what they are worried about on demand. Caroline recommends brainstorming possibilities together.
Write down possible concerns:
Getting lost
Opening a locker
Finding friends at lunch
Having nobody in their class
A difficult teacher
Taking public transit
Finding classrooms
Managing homework
Ask your child to cross out what doesn’t bother them and check anything that might.

Try Validation Before Advice

For one week, notice what happens when your child brings you a problem.
Before giving advice, try:
“That sounds tough.”
“That’s a lot.”
“Wow.”
Then wait.
When they feel heard, ask:
“What do you need?”
 “What are you going to do?”
 “How can I help?”

Practise One Practical Skill

Choose one responsibility your child will encounter during their transition and practise it before they need it under pressure.
Dr. Caroline describes buying a similar lock and having their child practise opening it before school. That removed one worry from an already stressful transition.
Other possibilities:
Take the bus route together.
Practise using a combination lock.
Walk through their schedule.
Practise ordering or buying lunch.
Create a simple homework routine.
Practise introducing themselves.

Create a Bravery Jar

Dr. Caroline shares how their family used a bravery jar to encourage small steps outside their children’s comfort zones.
Fill a jar with manageable challenges:
“Compliment someone.”
“Say hello to someone new.”
“Sit with someone at lunch.”
“Ask someone a question.”
“Try one unfamiliar activity.”
The goal is growth, rather than suddenly becoming confident or having lots of friends.

Ask: Whose Goal Is This?

Before worrying about your child sitting alone, having a small friend group or skipping certain social activities, ask:
“Are they unhappy with this, or am I?”
Dr. Caroline shares that one of their daughters sometimes chose to read alone because she wanted the downtime. What might look concerning to a parent may be exactly what the child wants.

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You want your child to be happy, successful and confident. But when does wanting the best for them quietly turn into deciding what their life should look like?
In this episode of Parents of the Year, Andrew and Dr. Caroline get personal as one of their daughters prepares to move out. That milestone sparks a bigger conversation about the goals parents carry for their children and how easily our own experiences, missed opportunities and expectations can shape them.
They talk about raising curious lifelong learners, letting kids choose their own path, modelling rather than pushing, building confidence through new experiences, and why frustration and disappointment have an important place in growing up.
Caroline also offers a simple exercise: write down the goals you have for your child, ask why each one matters, who it is really for, and whether it supports growth.
Your child doesn't need to become the person you pictured. Your job is to give them opportunities to discover who they can become.

Parent Homework Ideas
This is the clearest actionable exercise from the episode. Dr. Caroline tells listeners to write down their goals, ask why they hold each one, determine who benefits and consider whether the goal focuses on growth.

Write Down Your Goals

Without editing yourself, finish:
"I want my child to…"
Examples might include:
Go to university
Have good friends
Be confident
Get good grades
Exercise
Find a partner
Have children
Be financially successful
Be happy

Ask "Why?"

Beside every goal, write:
Why does this matter to me?
Then go one layer deeper:
Is this connected to something I wanted, missed, struggled with or valued in my own life?
Dr. Caroline points directly to this distinction: wanting university because you didn't attend, athletics because you had an unrealized athletic dream, or confidence because you lacked it yourself.

Ask "Who Is This For?"

Mark each goal:
Mostly for my child / Mostly for me / Both
Pay particular attention to goals that affect how you believe your child's choices reflect on you.

Turn Outcomes Into Growth
Change goals you cannot control into opportunities for development.
Instead of:
"I want my child to always be happy."
Try:
"I want my child to recognize moments of happiness and develop the skills to cope with difficult emotions."
Dr. Caroline makes this distinction in the episode, explaining that children need the full range of emotions and the ability to recognize, manage and move through them.

Choose One Opportunity for Exposure

Give your child an opportunity to experience something without requiring them to love it.
That could be cooking, skating, volunteering, hiking, music, sport, art, reading, travel or another family interest.
Parent rule: expose, invite and model. Don't make your child's enthusiasm the measure of success.
Andrew and Dr. Caroline describe this with fitness and golf: their daughters were exposed to these activities without being pushed, then returned to some of them later for motivations of their own.

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