2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

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This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer link up remotely while Bert shoots from a Pokémon card shop in St. Petersburg, still recovering from two bottles of Dom Perignon in a suite at the Rays' World Series game. Bert begs anyone in Major League Baseball to confirm the Dominican shower rumor, then rips $70 worth of Pokémon packs hunting for a $4,000 card. From there, the Bears get into Netanyahu picking Burger King over McDonald's, the convicted murderer who escaped a Tennessee prison, and Tom shooting a movie inside an active jail, which turns into a full business plan for the most profitable prison in America. Along the way, Tom soft-pitches Nathan Fielder's Elizabeth Holmes documentary You Can See Everything, Bert relives an Elliott Gould dinner that went sideways over Bowling for Columbine, and the guys trade stories about the most unhinged teachers they ever had. Plus: the hottest pregnant belly Bert has ever seen, the 2 Bears 5K in Nashville, the Halloween mask that made Tom's neighborhood kids cry, Patrice O'Neal's Halloween pep talk, Maria Bamford's new Netflix doc, and Aaron Sorkin's absurd tan. Damn, can't believe it's already November!

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 346

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Chapters00:00:00 - Intro00:00:28 - Bert Wants To Shower With Dominicans00:05:28 - The Hottest Pregnant Belly Ever & The 2 Bears 5K00:14:30 - Bert Rips $70 Of Pokemon Cards00:20:49 - Netanyahu Likes Burger King More Than McDonald's00:28:56 - Escaped Murderer & The Bears Open A Prison00:36:50 - Nathan Fielder's Elizabeth Holmes Doc & Digger00:42:19 - Elliott Gould, Michael Moore & AI History Docs00:46:50 - The Most Unhinged Teachers We Ever Had00:52:03 - The Warm Toilet Seat & Bert's World Series Bender00:58:19 - Tom's Halloween Mask Made Kids Cry01:03:26 - Maria Bamford's Doc & The Chad Daniels Deep Dive01:07:42 - Aaron Sorkin's Absurd Tan, Bert's 54th Birthday Nude Shoot, Black Guy Stuff01:19:01 - Wrap Up

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This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer check in from Austin and New York. Bert lays out his plan to spend 24 hours with Mark Wahlberg alongside Rob Lowe, from 3 a.m. prayer to sleeping in Wahlberg's daughter's bedroom. Then Bert says his new hour finally clicked in Philadelphia, and the guys pull up the People magazine exclusive about his couples therapy with LeeAnn that Bert doesn't remember giving. From there, Bert tries to Google a photo of himself with Dolly Parton to prove to his daughters he really met her, and instantly regrets it. The Bears also get into Bert's bench press push-up challenge, getting drunk for the first time in nine months on Por Osos, and why LeeAnn keeps asking when he'll retire. Plus: why Tim Dillon is the funniest guy alive, Bill Burr in The Social Reckoning, Tom making the case for Tom Cruise's Digger, comedy as a belly flop contest, why you never turn your back on a tiger, and Bert's plan to keep a pygmy hippo at home.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 345

https://tomsegura.com/tour

https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour

https://store.ymhstudios.com

Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:11:07 - Bert's People Magazine Exclusive & The Dolly Parton Photo

00:17:14 - The Bench Press Push-Up Challenge

00:25:11 - Bert Got Drunk & LeeAnn Asks About Retirement

00:33:39 - Bill Burr's Social Reckoning & Why Digger Bombed

00:39:16 - Why Comedies Stopped Working & The Belly Flop Contest

00:44:57 - Never Turn Your Back On A Tiger

00:49:44 - Bert Wants A Pet Pygmy Hippo & Wrap Up
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This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer check in with Tom in Austin and Bert in New York for the Food & Wine Festival. Tom opens by tackling the Shane Gillis backlash from his SNL monologue, while Bert tries to stay out of it for once (he just really loves those pants). The Bears react to the livestreamed execution of the Fort Hood shooter getting called off. Then Bert declares himself Team Katie for new White House press secretary Katie Zacharia, from her shaky first briefing to her gym pics and the bar exam she failed, and the guys give her three months, tops. He also opens up about his people-pleasing after a woman on a plane Googles him and asks, "What did you do?" Plus: Condoleezza Rice's 9/11 story, Bert buying Napoleon's cologne in Paris, Pope Leo's surgery, a maintenance guy catching Bert's 54-year-old mirror selfie, Bert's street-interview do-over, Chris Distefano charming Rachael Ray on Something's Burning, and Mark Zuckerberg's first Guinness.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 344

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https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour

https://store.ymhstudios.com

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Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:58 - Shane Gillis' SNL Monologue

00:06:28 - Bert Stays Quiet For Once & Those Gym Pants

00:18:35 - The Fort Hood Shooter's Execution Gets Called Off

00:23:15 - Katie Zacharia & Condoleezza Rice's 9/11 Story

00:27:58 - The George Bushes & Napoleon's Cologne

00:35:03 - The Press Secretary Failed The Bar & Bert's Oval Office Plan

00:42:31 - "What Did You Do?" Bert Gets Googled On A Plan

00:48:25 - Pope Leo, Bert's Mirror Selfie, & The Street Interview Do-Over

00:56:50 - Chris Distefano Charms Rachael Ray

01:01:30 - Zuckerberg's First Guinness & Wrap Up
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SPONSORS:

If your revenues are at least in the seven figures, get our free business guide, Aligning for the Agentic Era: How AI Is Changing Everyday Work, at https://netsuite.com/BEARS.

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This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer check in from the road, with Tom in Atlanta and Bert in Philly on his Permission to Party World Tour. The Bears debate whether they'll watch the Pentagon's livestreamed firing squad execution of the Fort Hood shooter, then dig into the SiriusXM Raw Dog Radio shakeup that had comics coming after Sebastian Maniscalco, and how one video turned into Bert starting a comedians union (Leanne is handling it). From there, Bert swears he'll die with his beard, finally tells Tom about the shot in Bad Thoughts season two he can't believe made the cut, and gets fired up over hood horse racing in Mississippi. Plus: Mike Ditka's one-take steakhouse commercial, Michael Jordan finding his lost championship rings in a forgotten safe, Chamillionaire's $25,000 autograph, Barry Sanders and The Fridge, and Tom getting pitched hair transplants.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 343

https://tomsegura.com/tour

https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour

https://store.ymhstudios.com

Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:06:15 - Should You Watch The Fort Hood Shooter's Execution?

00:12:14 - Black Horse Racing & Sprinting On A Horse

00:19:31 - Bert Will Die With This Beard & The Bad Thoughts Shot

00:24:52 - SiriusXM, Raw Dog Radio, & The Sebastian Maniscalco Backlash

00:35:19 - Bert's Comedians Union

00:41:25 - Spam Calls & Mike Ditka's One-Take Commercial

00:46:34 - Michael Jordan's Lost Championship Rings

00:56:52 - Barry Sanders, The Fridge, & Elway's Two-Minute Drill

01:03:07 - Tommy Time & Wrap Up
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This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer call in from opposite ends of the map: Tom on a day off from his movie in Atlanta, Bert from Cleveland's Rocket Mortgage arena. Bert pulls up old Hollywood stars next to today's to prove Tom belongs in Cocoon, and Tom fires back that Bert looks like ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag. Then Bert drags in an arena worker to vouch for his looks, and she guesses Tom is 45. From there, the Bears lock in a bench press push-up challenge, Bert asks Claude who he should support between Israel and Palestine, before he finally admits to needing a seatbelt extender. They also get into Zach Bryan's Free Palestine shirt at Gillette Stadium, Ari Emanuel's memoir Roll the Calls, Bert's brutal gum surgery, Tom Cruise's Digger, and Tom introducing Bert to the cinematic universe of Quan Millz.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 342

https://tomsegura.com/tour

https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour

https://store.ymhstudios.com

Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:04:09 - Football, The Metric System, & Catching Strays

00:09:13 - Tom Belongs In Cocoon

00:16:07 - One-Drink Bert & The Bench Press Push-Up Challenge

00:28:11 - Club Runs, Zach Bryan, & The Pillow Debate

00:33:20 - Goodwill Listening & The Gillette Stadium Beef

00:37:15 - Bert Asks Claude To Pick A Side

00:44:10 - "Do You Need Readers, Ma'am?"

00:46:58 - Pretty Privilege & Bert's Seatbelt Extender

00:50:31 - Ari Emanuel's Memoir & The Quan Millz Universe

00:58:24 - Animating Bert's Dreams & Tom Cruise's Digger

01:05:23 - Oppenheimer On A Phone & Wrap Up
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