2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

SPONSORS:

Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you at https://mountaindew.com

Thanks to MANSCAPED for sponsoring today’s video! Get The Beard Hedger Plus for 15% OFF + Free Shipping with code “BEARS” at https://Manscaped.com!

Start your free trial at https://SHOPIFY.COM/bears

For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://hims.com/bears for your free online visit.

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit https://Betterhelp.com/BEARS.

Head to https://FACTORMEALS.com/bears50off and use code bears50off to get 50 percent off and 1 free breakfast item per box for 1 year, while supplies last until 10/31/2026.

https://babbel.com/BEARS for up to 60% off. Rules and restrictions may apply.

This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer celebrate Bert officially entering the Guinness Book of World Records for The Machine, possibly the most performed signature story in comedy history, and immediately spiral into the comedy record arms race: Shane Gillis' 77,000-person show, Nate Bargatze's 2 million tickets, the Dane Cook vs. Dave Chappelle longest-set war, and Bert's plan to lock 75,000 paid "hostages" inside Raymond James Stadium and perform for ten straight hours. Then the Bears respond to Stavros Halkias calling out comics who fly private, and explain why he's absolutely right: nobody gets funnier on a private jet. From there, Bert declares Busboys, the new Theo Von and David Spade movie, the greatest piece of art he's ever seen, and Tom finally watches The Odyssey, only for Bert to officially turn on it over the Travis Scott cameo. Plus: Gaddafi's all-female Amazonian Guard, plane-crash hypotheticals, Chimp Empire is the best reality show ever made, Mick Jagger on fame, and why the Bears are grateful they got famous late.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 336

https://tomsegura.com/tour

https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour

https://store.ymhstudios.com

Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:18 - Comedians Getting Guinness Records

00:07:24 - The Attendance Record Arms Race

00:18:09 - Stavvy Says Private Jets Don't Make You Funnier

00:24:25 - Lunch Pail Phonies & Staying Honest

00:35:39 - Busboys Is A Secret Masterpiece

00:41:55 - Tom Finally Saw The Odyssey

01:03:45 - Por Osos At Frenchies & MacDill

01:07:29 - The Sexiest Military & Plane Crash Hypotheticals

01:12:08 - Chimp Empire

01:15:26 - Leanne's Birthday & The Black Crowes

01:20:28 - Mick Jagger On Fame

01:24:18 - Wrap Up
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

SPONSORS:

Don’t let your mind get in the way of a good time. Discover your options at https://BlueChew.com

Shopify: Turns out you don’t need a real job. Build your own business with a free trialat http://shopify.com/bears

Head to https://acorns.com/bears or download the Acorns app to get started.

New DraftKings customers, sign up with code BEARS spend five bucks to get one hundred fifty in rewards within 14 days, includes all markets. Over at https://dkng.co/bears.

For a limited time, our listeners get 50% off FOR LIFE, Free Shipping, AND 3 Free Gifts at Mars Men at http://Mengotomars.com.

This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are back in the cave after eight weeks apart, and they open with a full review of The Odyssey, Lupita Nyong'o as Helen of Troy, Matt Damon's rogue Boston accent, and why Jon Bernthal is Hollywood's most legendary napper. From there, Bert unveils his billionaire rebrand (Sabah shoes, LBJ Stetsons, and the top five shoes billionaires wear this fall) before getting real about sobriety, anxiety attacks, and self-diagnosing 12 terminal illnesses in a single month. The Bears also spiral into the movies that blindsided them, Primal Fear, The Sixth Sense, Memento, Fight Club, and why the DIY hits like Obsession prove Hollywood is in another pivot moment. Plus: Project Hail Mary vs. the 15-hour audiobook, Bert's theory that this is the funniest (and most jacked) generation of comics ever, college football weight-room PRs, Jason Kelce showing up for a 9 AM bench session, and a meet & greet at MacDill Air Force Base August 14. If you missed the Bears, this one's for you.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 335

https://tomsegura.com/tour

https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour

https://store.ymhstudios.com

Bet with DK Sportsbook: Gambling Problem? Call 1-800 GAMBLER, 1-800 MY RESET. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit http://CCPG.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. Twenty one plus. Void in Canada. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Availability varies. Predictions offer void in New York. Bet to get Bonus bets that expire in seven days. Trade to get Predictions Dollars that expire in one year. Fifty dollars in rewards issued every seven days via click to claim for fourteen days. One non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Nationwide based on Sportsbook, Predictions, and Free-to-Play Sports Contest availability. Varies by State. Terms at http://dkng.co/offer. Limited time offer.

Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:26 - The Bears Review The Odyssey

00:10:34 - Bears At MacDill Air Force Base

00:11:15 - Project Hail Mary & Bert's Cute Shoes

00:23:37 - Bert's Drinking Again

00:33:36 - Obsession & The New Hollywood Pivot

00:39:00 - The Best Twist Movies Ever

00:52:33 - Everyone's Got Abs

00:56:02 - College Weight Room Energy

01:00:44 - Wrap Up
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

SPONSORS:

Don’t let your mind get in the way of a good time. Discover your options at https://BlueChew.com

Visit https://ethos.com/BEARS

Enjoy the refreshing citrus kick of Mountain Dew, an American Original. Tasting Great Since ’48. Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you at https://mountaindew.com

Sponsored by BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at https://betterhelp.com/bears

Get started with ShipStation today and get sixty days free at https://shipstation.com, with code cave.

If your revenues are at least in the seven figures, go to https://NetSuite.AI/BEARS.

Head to Factormeals.com/bears50off and use code bears50off to get 50% off.

This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer compare their two very different eras of being fat, Tom's custom-made fat guy shirts, hard visceral fat vs. soft fat, and why losing weight made everyone think Tom got lip injections. Bert's sober documentary binge takes them from Patient Zero "Gay Tom" spreading AIDS across the Air Canada route map to Concorde pricing scams. Tom also reveals the fattest thing he's ever seen Bert do: ten appetizers, four entrées, and twenty doubles in Tallahassee. Bert also retells Bill Hader's retelling of Henry Rollins meeting David Lee Roth, and his daughter's instantly legendary Boston Tea Party take. Then things get real: a midlife crisis YouTube video sends Bert and LeeAnn into a "sell everything and get five apartments in five cities" fantasy, LeeAnn gets brutally honest about when she was happiest, and Tom breaks down the difference between happy and content. Plus: Hulk Hogan inflating Andre the Giant's weight, Julian's belt reaction to the Michael Jackson movie, Whoop resting heart rate brags, Craig Robinson's dunk, and the great first sweat vs. last sweat debate.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 334

https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com

Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro00:00:52 - Fat Tommy Vs Skinny Tom00:09:16 - Patient Zero, Polio, & The Concorde00:19:38 - The Fattest Thing Tom Ever Saw Bert Do00:23:55 - Bill Hader, David Lee Roth & Boston Tea Party00:32:21 - Hulk Hogan, Macho Man & LeeAnn Off Leash00:36:37 - Five Apartments In Five Cities00:46:12 - Bert's Midlife Crisis Theory00:54:34 - "You're Not Hitting The Notes, Mike"00:57:05 - Whoop Brags & Craig Robinson Dunking01:02:36 - Wrap Up
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

SPONSORS:

Enjoy the refreshing citrus kick of Mountain Dew, an American Original. Tasting Great Since ’48. Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you at https://mountaindew.com

Thanks to MANSCAPED for sponsoring today’s video! Get The Beard Hedger Plus for 15% OFF + Free Shipping with code “BEARS” at https://Manscaped.com!

For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://hims.com/bears

Sign up now and Acorns will boost your new account with a $5 bonus investment. Join the over 14 million all-time customers who have already saved and invested over $27 billion dollars with Acorns. Head to https://acorns.com/bears or download the Acorns app to get started.

Sponsored by BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at https://betterhelp.com/bears

Start your free trial at https://shopify.com/bears

This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer spiral through Bert's newest crisis: figuring out which musicians would actually like him. After Lou Reed tells him off mid-treadmill (entirely inside Bert's head), Bert starts deleting Jane's Addiction and Radiohead from his library, relives Shane Gillis walking out of a Wilco concert after five seconds, and learns his most-played song of all time is "Higher" by Creed. From there, the Bears get into Tom's tour of Kid Rock's 20,000-square-foot, two-bedroom replica White House and meeting Jimmy John from Jimmy John's, a deep dive on Subway Takes and why Bert believes celebrity hot takes are all fake, the viral "white people shouldn't sit on stoops in Bed-Stuy" debate, and a deeply satisfying story of a first-class line cutter getting humbled in front of Viola Davis. Bert also opens up about the final days of his five-and-a-half-month sobriety run, including the recovery books, journaling on planes, and why his first drink back is happening at his daughter Georgia's University of Oregon graduation before going scorched earth on the dad who posted his 4-year-old breaking a rope swing "world record" in Moab. Plus: the MyPillow guy, the thumb-to-arm gut health test, Garth Brooks friendship fantasies, and why Moby would hate them both. If you missed this show, this one's for you.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 333

https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com

Chapters00:00:00 - Intro00:01:11 - Lou Reed Talks Shit to Bert on the Treadmill00:04:27 - Kurt Vile, Bob Dylan, & Shane Gillis Walking Out on Wilco00:16:15 - Deleting Every Musician Who Wouldn't Like Bert00:25:00 - Kid Rock's Replica White House & Jimmy John From Jimmy John's00:28:51 - MyPillow, Workout Underwear & Sleeping Naked00:31:11 - Subway Takes & J.Lo's Rented Hot Take00:41:01 - White People on Stoops00:43:47 - Airport Line Cutters00:50:09 - Bert's Last Week of Sobriety01:01:21 - The 4-Year-Old Moab Rope Swing Rant01:13:03 - Wrap Up

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

SPONSORS:


Look for American Dew limited-time packaging or find it in stores near you at https://mountaindew.com


Don't sleep on @‌ultrapouches. New customers get 15% Off with code BEARS at https://takeultra.com! #UltraPouches #ad


New DraftKings customers, sign up with code BEARS spend five bucks to get two hundred in rewards within 21 days. https://dkng.co/bears


For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/BEARS.


Get up to 60% off at https://Babbel.com/BEARS


Order a bottle of Por Osos and some killer merch online https://drinkporosos.com

This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer dig into the wild, unexpected Black audience response to Bad Thoughts Season 2, Tom debuting his "out of your control" philosophy on how comedy lands, and a hilarious accounting of which comedians did and didn't text Bert about his new show. Bert opens up about getting nastier and setting harder boundaries in sobriety, comparing himself to the A-Rod and Rafael Nadal documentaries, and Tom reveals his ongoing health investigation that involves shitting in a bucket for a lab test. The Bears also spiral into a debate on regional diets and genetics, plan a mushroom trip with an actual shaman, get Bert's dad on the phone to discuss his own legendary history of public accidents, and revisit boys' locker room culture versus Gen Z's aversion to male nudity. Plus: a Mountain Dew summer sizzle reel callout to fans, a celebration-of-life merch drop business plan for when they die, and the most detailed bowel movement breakdown the show has ever produced.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 332

https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com

In Partnership with DraftKings. The Crown Is Yours. Bet with DK Sportsbook: Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER, 1-800-MY-RESET. New York: call 8778-HOPENY, text HOPENY. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://CCPG.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. Twenty one plus. Void in Canada. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Availability varies. Bet to get Bonus bets that expire in seven days. Trade to get fifty dollars in Predictions Dollars that expire in one year, issued every seven days via click to claim for twenty-one days. One non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Predictions offer void in New York. Ends July 19th. Terms at http://dkng.co/audio

Chapters00:00:00 - Intro00:00:14 - Bad Thoughts' Black Fanbase00:07:28 - Mountain Dew Summer00:11:31 - Healthiest Guy at the Party00:16:33 - The Subconscious Mind & Nasty Bert00:26:17 - Setting Boundaries & the A-Rod Documentary00:30:25 - Black Graduations, Bert's Identity Crisis & the Rafa Nadal Doc00:40:43 - Merch Plans for When You Die00:46:12 - Mushroom Trip & The Gut Health Investigation00:52:10 - Bert Shit Himself in His Sleep00:55:58 - Locker Room Talk01:00:33 - Breeding

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices