On Attachment

Attachment theory has become a widely used framework for understanding relationship patterns — but it’s often misunderstood, overextended, or treated as a complete explanation for human behaviour.
In this episode, I revisit the foundations of attachment theory to clarify what attachment is actually designed to explain, what attachment styles describe, and where the limits of the framework are. This is a back-to-basics conversation intended to bring nuance and accuracy to how we use attachment language — especially in romantic relationships.
In this episode, I cover:
What attachment styles are really describing: relational stress and our habitual responses to it
Why attachment styles are not fixed, mutually exclusive categories — and how spectrums work in practice
How attachment patterns are contextually responsive and can shift across different relationships
What attachment theory explains — and what it was never meant to explain
How our attachment blueprint shapes our internal working model, even beyond close relationships
Why attachment is best used as a tool, not a totalising explanation for yourself or others
If you’ve ever felt confused, boxed in by attachment labels, or frustrated by how attachment theory is used online, this episode offers a clearer and more grounded way of thinking about it.
Take my free attachment quiz

In this Ask Steph episode, we explore one of the most common (and understandable) questions in anxious–avoidant dynamics: what actually helps an avoidant partner feel safe enough to open up emotionally?
If you tend toward anxious attachment, it can feel deeply unsettling to sense that parts of your partner’s inner world are closed off to you. That can create a strong pull to try harder, ask more questions, or push for emotional access — often with the hope that if they open up, it will mean you’re finally “enough.”
In this episode, we unpack why that instinct can backfire, and what genuinely supports emotional safety instead.

Situationships can feel exciting and full of potential, but over time they often become a source of anxiety, confusion, and self-doubt. In this episode, I explore why situationships are so hard to walk away from — particularly for people with anxious attachment — and why clarity can feel more threatening than staying in something uncertain.
We look at how hope, ambiguity, and emotional breadcrumbs keep people invested in connections that aren’t actually meeting their needs, and why “waiting to see what happens” is often a form of self-abandonment rather than patience. I also talk about the nervous-system dynamics at play, and how these situations can keep you stuck in a cycle of overthinking, longing, and self-doubt.
This episode isn’t about forcing commitment or issuing ultimatums. It’s about building the self-trust and self-respect required to stop participating in dynamics that keep you in limbo, and learning how to choose relationships that offer consistency, clarity, and emotional safety.

Links
Register for my free training on How to Heal Anxious Attachment & Finally Feel Secure in Life & Love
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In this Ask Steph episode, I’m answering a listener question about why old feelings can resurface when you re-enter the dating world, and what to do when that catches you off guard.
In this episode, we explore:
Why missing your ex after a breakup can show up later, not earlier
How dating again brings up fresh comparisons — and why that’s so normal
The difference between missing your ex and missing familiarity, comfort, or routine
Why comparing a new connection to a long-term relationship is often distorted
How not to spiral or make meaning out of these feelings
What to do instead of panicking or second-guessing your breakup
If you’re otherwise excited about someone new and this has thrown you, this episode is a reminder to slow down, stay grounded, and trust that this experience doesn’t have to mean anything is wrong.
Links
Going through a break-up? Register for my free breakup training here.
If you’d like to submit a question for a future Ask Steph episode, I collect them via my weekly Instagram Q&A — come find me there and drop yours in.

In this episode, we explore the belief that if someone truly loved you, they would have changed — and why this story so often keeps people stuck in self-blame, rescuing, and self-abandonment. We look at the saviour complex, how it develops, and why real change has far more to do with timing and capacity than with how lovable or devoted you are.
In this episode, we cover:
Why “if they loved me, they would’ve changed” is such a convincing story
How the saviour complex shows up in relationships
The line between compassion and self-abandonment
Why people change when they’re ready — not when we love harder
If this resonates, you can register for my free training on healing anxious attachment here.