Proud Conception Podcast

Today we are joined by Kate Zame and we’re getting into the nitty gritty of traditional surrogacy—not just what it is and how it differs from gestational surrogacy, but what it actually looks like when you’re living it.

Kate and her wife Kelly have their own beautiful rainbow path to parenthood but this episode is about the couple’s most recent experience with Kelly being a surrogate for a queer couple.

I chat with Kate about why traditional surrogacy felt like the right fit for this whanau and how they navigated all of the necessary conversations from matching up with the couple that would end up being their intended parents, talking about the biological connection, the whakapapa, that their families would share, and navigating the network of providers that helped bring this fruition, including incredible counselors, midwifes, and a boss and the interesting engagements with Oranga Tamariki. We get into the legal realities of traditional surrogacy and the emotional weight of the process.

And because of my Kate’s unique position, as the wife of a surrogate, you’ll hear her reflect on what it means to support someone through surrogacy, whether as a partner or as an intended parent. So if there are any intended parents, or “IPs”, out there, I know you’ll get a lot out of this episode.
Kate busts down myths and taboos around traditional surrogacy and shows exactly how arrangements like this have been happening for decades and decades because they can be ethical, respectful and safe ways for families to grow and flourish. 

Resources:
Kate Zame on Instagram @katezameslt come for the speech and language therapy and queer parenting, stay for the good vibes. 

Why Do You Parent Like That with Abbey Harrison and her conversation with Kate, covering more of her own family’s personal journey.

As always, thanks for listening to Proud Conception. If you enjoyed this episode, please follow the show on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and join the conversation on Instagram @ProudConceptionPod. Please consider sharing this podcast with a friend, it really does help us connect with people who might benefit from the stories we are sharing.

And if you have a family building story that you’d like to share, please get in touch! You can reach us via Instagram or by emailing [email protected].

In this episode of Proud Conception, I’m joined by Claire, someone who has become one of my closest friends and a huge part of the reason this podcast exists at all!

Claire shares the story of how she and her wife Marissa moved in and out of the idea of parenthood over time: joining the fertility clinic waitlist early, travelling overseas, deciding not to have children when they reached the top of the list, and eventually coming back to the decision with clarity and commitment. It’s a journey that will feel familiar to many queer people, particularly those for whom parenthood hasn’t always felt like a given.

We talk through their experience using clinic donor sperm and IUI, including the realities of long waitlists, donor selection, sperm allocation, billing frustrations, and the emotional weight of navigating a system that doesn’t always recognise queer couples as a single family unit. Claire also reflects thoughtfully on choosing a donor of a different ethnicity to herself, and the responsibility she and Marissa feel in supporting their children to understand and connect with that part of their identity over time.

A significant part of this conversation focuses on co-feeding, including Marissa’s decision to induce lactation as the non-birthing parent, the medical and physical process involved, and what it meant for their partnership and early parenting experience. Claire speaks with real tenderness about the teamwork, sacrifice, and intention that shaped those early months, and the role affirming providers played in making co-feeding possible.

Resources:
Dr. Heather Johnston of @cradlednz

Empwr: Rainbow-inclusive antenatal classes which provide affirming and supportive pregnancy education. empwrbirth.com.

As always, thanks for listening to Proud Conception. If you enjoyed this episode, please follow the show on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and join the conversation on Instagram @ProudConceptionPod. Please consider sharing this podcast with a friend, it really does help us connect with people who might benefit from the stories we are sharing. And if you have a family building story that you’d like to share, please get in touch! You can reach us via Instagram or by emailing [email protected].

In our third expert episode, we sit down with Andy Leggat, a health psychologist at Fertility Associates, for a focused conversation about counselling for LGBTQ+ people using donated sperm, eggs, embryos or surrogacy via a fertility clinic to grow their families.

We talk about what counselling is actually for in a fertility clinic context and why Andy prefers the term implications counselling when describing the work she does with the people who walk through her door. We unpack some of the ethical, psychological, legal, and relational considerations that sit beneath donor conception and surrogacy and how to center the long-term wellbeing of donor-conceived children throughout. 

Andy speaks about the responsibilities that sit with parents, including how and when to talk to children about their conception, and shares practical, child-centred guidance such as a simple but powerful framework: early, often and open. 

This conversation deeply resonated with me as a parent of donor-conceived children and I think there something in here for a range of listeners: people beginning their queer family building journey, queer folks who might be a bit resistant to counselling during their conception journey and queer parents exploring how to talk with their children about their origin story. 

Resources:
You can learn more about Andy and her practice at https://www.fertilityassociates.co.nz/team/andy-leggat 

The draft paper from ESHRE mentioned by Andy around the proposal to set international limits for children conceived by individual donors can be found here: https://www.eshre.eu/Europe/Position-statements/Stakeholder-review 

As always, thanks for listening to Proud Conception. If you enjoyed this episode, please follow the show on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and join the conversation on Instagram @ProudConceptionPod. Please consider sharing this podcast with a friend, it really does help us connect with people who might benefit from the stories we are sharing. And if you have a family building story that you’d like to share, please get in touch! You can reach us via Instagram or by emailing [email protected].

This week on Proud Conception, we meet John, who alongside his husband Nick, embarked on a journey to fatherhood that required immense tenacity and resilience. After ruling out adoption and international options, their path took a beautiful turn when John’s sister offered to be their egg donor. With Nick providing the sperm, their son Emerson would share a biological connection to both sides of the whānau.

They worked through the search of finding a gestational surrogate and had a few false starts with the embryo transfer, but it finally all seemed to align with a positive pregnancy. Then at 20 weeks, their world shifted when at a routine scan they discovered their son had a congenital heart defect. John details the daunting reality of preparing for multiple heart surgeries for a newborn while navigating the legal complexities of New Zealand surrogacy arrangements, where, as intended parents, they technically had no legal rights to make decisions around their son’s care and treatment until parenting orders were in place post-birth. 

In recounting this journey, John shares his perspective of being gay dads in a hospital system designed primarily for birthing mothers but also highlights the incredible individual allies they found in nurses, surgeons, and their lawyer. He also shares some of the people and groups whose support guided him and Nick. 

This is a story of fierce advocacy and the profound love that carried this whānau through. This is a longer episode and it deserves to be. It’s the extraordinary origin story of a beautiful young boy wrapped up in some pretty remarkable love.

Resources:
Imperfect Parents: The parenting group John mentions that provided a supportive space for their whānau. Super inclusive of different family types and run by the incredible Sophie Moskowitz. https://www.imperfectparents.co.nz/

Stewart Dalley: The legal support John and Nick used for their surrogacy and adoption process. Stewart is a lawyer who specialises in surrogacy and has three children of his own by surrogacy. https://www.dslaw.nz/familyformation/ 

Empwr: Rainbow-inclusive antenatal classes which provide affirming and supportive pregnancy education. empwrbirth.com. 

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will be Glad that You Did) by Philippa Perry. 

Thanks for listening to Proud Conception. If you enjoyed this episode and want to hear more, follow the show on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and join the conversation with us on Instagram @ProudConceptionPod. And if you have a family-building story you’d like to share, please get in touch via Instagram or email [email protected].

This week on Proud Conception, we hear from Emily, an egg donor who felt called to action after stumbling across a Facebook post from a queer couple hoping to become parents. What began as a moment of curiosity quickly grew into a heartfelt commitment to support another whānau’s dream of having a child.

In this kōrero, Emily shares the full arc of her donation journey: how she connected with the intended parents, the counselling process she and her husband worked through, the boundaries they discussed as a family, and what the medical side of egg retrieval was actually like. She also reflects on how she thinks about her connection to any potential child born from her donation, and how she’s choosing to stay open to whatever emotions might arise in the future.

At the time of our conversation, Emily’s eggs had been successfully retrieved and fertilised, and the intended parents now have embryos waiting on ice, ready for the right moment for their gestational surrogate to begin her own process. Emily speaks with deep emotion about imagining them one day holding their baby, just as she’s held her own children.

This is an honest and grounded look into what egg donation can mean, not just medically, but emotionally and relationally. Emily’s story highlights the immense generosity behind gamete donation and offers valuable insights for anyone considering taking this path.

Apologies for a bit of feedback on the sound quality on this episode! I’m still working on my tech skills 🙂

Thanks for listening to Proud Conception. If you enjoyed this episode and want to hear more, follow the show on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and join the conversation with us on Instagram @ProudConceptionPod. And if you have a family-building story you’d like to share, please get in touch via Instagram or email [email protected].