Simon Mayo's Confessions

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confession Collective for another week of chaos, questionable logic, and tape-speed chat that nobody fully understands (7 and a half IPS, apparently).

First: Clara’s lunchtime ice creams take a horrifying turn when a “respectful” window manoeuvre collides with a cathedral town funeral.

Then Sally relives childhood vengeance as a Cindy-doll disaster ends with an “ever so slight” push into a lily pond… and a decades-later Facebook block.

Plus: Alison reports a mystery powder to the police (taste test included), only to discover it’s not what original thought, and Tommy commits the ultimate school photo sin.

Got a confession? Send it to [email protected].

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo, Sister Suzi, Sister Holly and Brother Matthew for another week of chaos.

First: a 1950s boarding school in Kenya where the boys welcome new UK teachers with the ultimate classroom icebreaker… bright green pet snakes, smuggled under shirts and released onto desks.

Then Bob’s Tenerife chip run goes catastrophically windy, ending with paper plates, ketchup, and an accidental Carry On-style moment by the pool.

Plus: Geoff “accidentally” cosplays as blind on the train thanks to reactive sunglasses, a Dayglo lead and a protruding white stick, and Chris launches a full police sting to recover his stolen bike… with questionable consequences.

Got a confession? Send it to [email protected].

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the crew for another week of sinful silliness, dubious logic, and a very firm reminder to… respect the cupboard.

First up, Luke fakes a twisted ankle at his twins’ birthday bash and “heads to A&E”… only to limp straight to The Force Awakens, then on to TGI Fridays for a full debrief with “Han”. Dark side behaviour?

Then Seaman Steve wages class war at Cowes Week with a stealthy nuts-and-bolts prank that sends Tarquins into a safety spiral.

Plus: Selhurst Park Pete’s mum accidentally unleashes a downhill “snake” of supermarket trolleys, and science teacher Steve cons schoolkids with fake fortune-telling that turns him into Mr G the Psychic.

Got a confession? Send it to [email protected].

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the crew for a week caught between Valentine’s Day love and Friday-the-13th superstition.

First up: Litmus relives the childhood horror of £40 Caterpillar boots that “mysteriously” shrank on a seaside stroll in Bray… until mum discovers the real culprit still stuffed inside.

Then Jane’s triumphant jeans-buying trip goes spectacularly wrong when a stubborn zip traps her lacy knickers — and she makes a panicked dash that leaves an unforgettable “freebie” on the shop floor.

Plus: Cliff’s smart-speaker chaos accidentally orders Blue’s greatest hits, and Rachel’s free Waitrose latte turns into a windy, foamy car-park crime.

Got a confession? Send it to [email protected].

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the crew for another week of confession chaos.
Sister Goldenhair attempts a 10-day silent meditation retreat in Thailand… only to be derailed by a tree frog, a “hot monk”, and an unsanctioned breakout into the countryside that ends with a full-blown Karma Chameleon singalong to some very understanding cows.
Then it’s building-surveyor bedlam as Mike accidentally lets a cat into a house with a “highly strung” parrot on the loose… and makes a bold feather-related decision under pressure.
Plus: Steve’s student-radio brush with The Smiths takes a citrusy turn, and the anonymous agent of East Anglia learns the hard way that mooning colleagues isn’t quite “drawing room manner”.
Got a confession? Send it to [email protected].