You can't outrun 'em, but you can revise your interpretation and your response, and that’s not for nothin’.
Access today's episode on Julie's Medium Blog.
Shame spirals, or negative feedback loops are chain reactions starting with:
The Trigger: something spurs a sense of emotionally activation or vulnerability; perhaps through a rejection, a crossed boundary, or a mistake.
The Story: immediately your brain connects the triggering event to a past experience, creating a narrative on how to perceive this “slight” that tends towards self-blame and some sort of “proof that you are not worthy or capable.”
The Reaction: next, your brain will attempt to protect yourself from the pain of this internalized toxic shame by over-performing or under-performing as a way to cope, furthering you from your authentic-self. i.e. fight/flight/freeze/fawn
The Reinforcement: you feel ashamed or disconnected from your authentic-self, so the narrative of feeling insufficient is reinforced, making us more sensitive to future triggers, and the cycle continues.
Ideally, we can create space to gain some control over the narrative and redirect our reactions into more thoughtful responses that reinforce new, more positive patterns.
Call it out: noting a shame spiral as it starts is a great way to stop it before it begins. Practice creating space between you and the response. Sometimes, this is enough to“unhook” yourself from the trigger and create a new chain of events.
Ground: use a somatic exercise to regulate your nervous system.
Reframe: recognize the feelings of shame as an attempt to feel safe, so you can guide yourself into a more effective response. Rewrite the narrative to better reflect reality, which is less shame based. Connect with someone more objective who can help you see more clearly, if needed.
Redirect: take an action towards a more positive and loving response, that is not rooted in shame/punishment/fear.
Realign: once you feel less triggered, reflect on the experience, and practice reinforcing more conscious responses in the future.
Some shame is unavoidable, and a healthy level of shame is essential to being a decent human. That said, many of us are harboring toxic levels of shame on a daily basis.
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