How can I love you better? Let’s simplify it to one thing
"How can I love you better?"
It's a brave question. An interesting question. A profound, yet simple question. It's a really effective question to help with small, achievable steps towards a more healthy and flourishing marriage.
Join us this season as we deep-dive into this question together.
Hosted by Ps Jason & Emma Schroeder
SHOW NOTES:
Point 2: Intentionalise a new communication method
Drive-thru listening :Fast-Food Employee (listener)
This person’s job is to listen - attentively.
When receiving an order, you can only repeat back what you’ve heard the same concept applies here. No editing, evaluating, or defending yourself. You can ask to have the order repeated if you did not understand something. However, this is only for clarity — you don’t have to agree.
Listen for their heart — their feelings, fears, beliefs and emotions.
Pay attention, focus on their words and heart, not being distracted by your right of reply, your own thoughts, your line of defense etc
Customer (speaker):
This person’s job is to express needs or feelings using “I” statements. No bringing up past issues, starting a new argument, or making blaming “You” statements (e.g., “You always …”).
Offer “bite-sized” thoughts or information so the other person can remember in order to repeat it back correctly and understand your feelings.
Share your heart — your feelings, fears, beliefs and emotions.
General Rules:
Repeating statements in the employee role does not mean you agree with what’s being said. Instead, the goal is to listen and validate the other person’s feelings and individuality.
You are not looking for solutions at this time. Solutions can be sought after each person feels heard and validated.
Agree to take a time-out if withdrawal, escalation, invalidation, or negative beliefs creep into the conversation.
When the customer (speaker) feels heard and validated, you switch roles, so both parties get the opportunity to share the heart/belief/feelings.
Above all else, strive to honour one another in all that is said and repeated.
Point 3: Expand your Toolkit
Key resources to read to help the tension management at the wall
Revisit Season 4, "Expert Minis" where we thumbnail the key aspects of these texts:
Keller, The Meaning of Marriage
Gottman, 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work
Tripp, Marriage : 7 Gospel Principles
Leman, Sheet Music
New Zealand