Complicated Kids

You can understand why your child is struggling and still be completely triggered by it.
In this episode, I'm joined by Jacqui Trombley, a licensed clinical social worker, trauma specialist, and Level 2 trained IFS therapist, for a conversation about Internal Family Systems.
Internal Family Systems, or IFS, is a therapy model that helps us understand the different parts inside us. Not in a "there is something wrong with you" way. More in a "of course you have more than one reaction happening at the same time" way.
There may be a part of you that understands why your child is struggling.
There may also be a part of you that is scared, embarrassed, angry, overwhelmed, or thinking, "Absolutely not. This cannot be what we are doing right now."
That is where this conversation gets so useful for parents.
Jacqui walks us through some of the parts language in IFS, including managers, exiles, and firefighters. We talk about why the goal is not to get rid of the anxious part, the angry part, the critical part, or the part that wants everyone to stop making noise immediately.
The goal is to understand what those parts are trying to protect.
Because so many parents can understand, intellectually, why their child is having a hard time and still feel completely activated by what is happening. We can know our child is neurodivergent, anxious, sensory overloaded, exhausted, or developmentally not where other kids are, and still have something inside us light up.
That does not mean we are failing.
It means something in us may need attention too.
Jacqui and I talk about what happens when a child's dysregulation activates a parent's dysregulation. A child comes home tired, hungry, overwhelmed, or upset, and instead of saying, "I had a hard day and I need help," they poke their sibling, throw something, get loud, refuse the thing, or push every available button.
And then, of course, something in us responds.
IFS gives us another way to understand that moment. It helps us notice what might be happening inside the child and inside ourselves before everything becomes one big reaction. It gives us language for the part that wants to yell, the part that wants to disappear, the part that wants to fix everything, and the part that is quietly scared underneath it all.
We also talk about trauma, inner child work, neurodivergence, and the power of witnessing the parts of ourselves that did not get what they needed at the time.
And yes, IFS can sound a little hokey from the outside.
Also, it can be deeply moving.
This conversation is not about becoming a perfectly calm parent who never gets triggered. Please. We live here on Earth.
It is about having another way to understand what is happening when your child's struggle touches something tender, scared, angry, or overwhelmed inside you.
And sometimes that little bit of space is where things can begin to change.
Key Takeaways
Internal Family Systems, or IFS, is a therapy model that helps us understand the different parts inside us.
Parts are not treated as bad in IFS. They are usually trying to protect something.
A parent can understand why their child is struggling and still feel completely triggered by what is happening.
Managers are the parts that try to keep things under control, prevent pain, and help us avoid rejection, shame, or failure.
Exiles are often younger parts carrying pain, fear, shame, grief, or unmet needs.
Firefighters are reactive parts that jump in quickly when something feels too overwhelming to tolerate.
Trying to banish a part usually does not work because that part believes it has an important job.
A child's dysregulation can quickly activate a parent's protective parts too.
Neurodivergent kids may have repeated experiences of being misunderstood, misread, corrected, or left without help processing what happened.
Parts work can help parents create enough space to notice what is happening inside themselves before responding from the most activated place.
About Jacqui Trombley
Jacqui Trombley is a licensed clinical social worker with more than 15 years of experience. She was trained as a trauma specialist by the Ferentz Institute in Baltimore and is a Level 2 trained IFS therapist. Her clinical background includes trauma, grief, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, neurodiversity-affirming psychotherapy, and work across multiple settings including treatment foster care, homeless shelters, outpatient mental health clinics, and private practice.
Jacqui has also administered psychosocial assessments for the Office of the Public Defender, led wellness groups for human service providers, hosted mental health seminars for private companies, and taught at the University of Maryland School of Social Work on oppression, privilege, cultural humility, and anti-oppression practice.
About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet
I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.
Complicated Kids Resources and Links:
🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com
📅 Schedule a free intro call: https://calendly.com/gabrielenicolet/free-15-minute-1-1-session
📺 Subscribe on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@complicatedkids/featured
👾 Grab Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids): https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/tell-the-story
➡️ Instagram: https://instagram.com/gabriele_nicolet
➡️ Facebook: https://facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet
➡️ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/gabrielenicolet/
🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: https://www.raisingorchidkids.com/orchid-kid-check-list-sign-up/
Enjoying the show?
If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show and it means a lot.
If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at podcast@complicatedkids.com. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.
Thank you for being here.

Screens are not going anywhere, which means our kids need more than rules. They need guidance.
I'll be honest. This is one of those topics where people tend to have feelings.
Big ones.
And fair enough. Screens can be a mess. They can also be useful, regulating, connecting, necessary, and sometimes genuinely helpful, especially for neurodivergent kids.
So I was glad to have this conversation with Leslie Tyler from Pinwheel because we got to stay in the nuance.
Leslie is Head of Parent Education at Pinwheel, a company that makes devices designed for kids and managed by parents. We name that right away in the episode because yes, Pinwheel sells devices. And also, this conversation is not really about one product.
It is about the questions parents need to ask before a device shows up in the house.
What is this device for? Is it about safety? Transportation? After-school coordination? Social connection? Learning support? Independence?
Because those are not all the same thing, and they do not require the same plan.
We also talk about why there is no magic age when a child is suddenly "ready" for a phone.
That answer is probably less satisfying than any of us would like.
It would be very convenient if someone could just tell us the exact right age and then we could all feel like excellent parents. But that is not how this works.
Instead, Leslie encourages parents to think about the child in front of them, the purpose of the device, and the kind of support that child will need to use technology well.
We talk about phones, watches, apps, games, image texting, parental controls, bedtime charging stations, school phone rules, notifications, and why starting small is usually easier than trying to walk things back later.
One of the biggest themes in this episode is that parental controls are useful, but they are not the whole strategy. Kids need guardrails, yes. They also need conversation, modeling, practice, and adults who are willing to stay involved without pretending they can control everything.
Because technology is here.
Our kids are going to use it.
So the work is not just keeping screens away forever. The work is helping kids build judgment, awareness, and a healthier relationship with the devices that are already part of the world they live in.
Key Takeaways
Screens are not automatically good or bad. The question is how, when, why, and for whom they are being used.
There is no one right age when every child is suddenly ready for a phone.
The better starting question is what your child actually needs the device to do.
Wanting a phone because friends have one is different from needing a device for safety, transportation, communication, or independence.
Starting with limited access is usually easier than trying to take access away later.
Watches, phones, and tablets all come with different benefits, limitations, and risks.
The device should fit the child's needs, not just the family's convenience or the social pressure around them.
Apps, games, image texting, notifications, and bedroom access all deserve real thought before the device arrives.
Parental controls are helpful tools, but they are not a complete parenting strategy.
The long-term goal is to help kids build judgment, awareness, and the ability to stay in the driver's seat of their technology.
About Leslie Tyler
Leslie Tyler is Head of Parent Education at Pinwheel, a company that creates devices designed for kids and managed by parents. Through her work, Leslie helps families think more intentionally about children, technology, independence, and digital safety. She supports parents in introducing devices gradually, having ongoing conversations, and helping kids use technology in ways that are constructive, age-appropriate, and connected to real-life responsibility.
About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet
I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.
Complicated Kids Resources and Links
🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com
📅 Schedule a free intro call: Book Here
📺 Subscribe on YouTube: Complicated Kids YouTube
👾 Grab Tell the Story: Tell the Story
➡️ Instagram: Instagram
➡️ Facebook: Facebook
➡️ LinkedIn: LinkedIn
🌺 Free Orchid Kid Checklist: Download Here
Enjoying the Show?
If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show and it means a lot.
If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at podcast@complicatedkids.com. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.
Thank you for being here.

Brain mapping is not about making a complicated brain average. It is about understanding what the brain is doing.
In this episode, I'm joined by Dr. Andrew Hill, a cognitive neuroscientist, brain mapping expert, founder of Peak Brain Institute, and author of Gifted & Tortured.
And yes, we go right into the brain.
Andrew talks about brain mapping, quantitative EEG, neurofeedback, and how certain patterns of brain activity can help us think differently about what we see on the outside: attention, anxiety, sleep, sensory processing, executive function, threat sensitivity, intensity, hyperfocus, and dysregulation.
You know. The usual light parenting topics.
One of the things I wanted to say out loud in this conversation is that behavior has an internal neurological reality. When a child is distracted, avoidant, anxious, explosive, intense, stuck, shut down, or unable to shift gears, there may be something happening underneath that behavior that deserves our attention.
Not because behavior does not matter.
Because behavior is not the whole explanation.
Andrew explains that brain mapping is not the same thing as a diagnosis. It does not hand you a perfect label or a neat little answer wrapped in a bow. Instead, it can show patterns of activity and help people understand how certain brain resources may be working.
That can be powerful.
Because when a child or adult can see, "Oh, this is how my brain works," the conversation can shift. It is no longer only, "What is wrong with me?" It becomes, "What does my brain need?"
We also talk about the title of Andrew's book, Gifted & Tortured, and why that phrase makes so much sense for complicated kids. The same brain resources that create struggle in one setting can be connected to real strengths somewhere else. The kid who cannot sit still in history class may be the kid who can hyperfocus, move fast, think creatively, notice patterns, or perform beautifully in a high-intensity context.
That does not make the hard parts less hard.
It does mean we should be careful about treating the brain like it is only a problem.
Andrew also walks us into neurofeedback, which he describes as a way of helping the brain practice regulation. Not magic. Not a personality transplant. Not a plan to erase everything interesting about a person. More like giving the brain feedback so it can build more flexibility and range.
And yes, there is a cat-on-a-windowsill metaphor that somehow explains sensory motor rhythm and ADHD.
I loved this conversation because it gives us another way to think about complicated kids. Not as diagnoses to flatten. Not as behaviors to manage from the outside only. Not as children who need to be made average.
But as people with brains that are doing something.
And if we can understand even a little more about what that something is, we have a better chance of helping.
Key Takeaways
Brain mapping can show patterns of brain activity, but it is not the same thing as a diagnosis.
Behavior may be the visible part of a deeper regulation pattern.
ADHD, anxiety, sleep struggles, sensory processing, and executive function can all be understood through a brain-based lens.
What looks like avoidance, distraction, intensity, or dysregulation is not always a choice or a character issue.
A child's challenges and strengths may come from the same brain resources.
The goal is not to make a complicated brain average.
Understanding how the brain works can reduce shame and give kids and adults more agency.
Some regulatory systems, including sleep, stress response, attention, and sensory processing, may be more flexible than we assume.
Neurofeedback is about helping the brain practice regulation, not changing who a person is.
When we understand more about what is happening underneath behavior, we can respond with more curiosity, more precision, and less panic.
About Andrew Hill
Dr. Andrew Hill is a UCLA-trained neuroscientist and author of Gifted & Tortured, a book exploring the strengths and struggles of high-performing, neurodivergent minds. With more than 25 years of experience in neurofeedback and brain mapping, he helps people understand and regulate their unique cognitive wiring. He is the founder of Peak Brain Institute and works with people to better understand their brains through quantitative EEG, neurofeedback, and biofeedback.
About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet
I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.
Complicated Kids Resources and Links
🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com
📅 Schedule a free intro call: Book Here
📺 Subscribe on YouTube: Complicated Kids YouTube
👾 Grab Tell the Story: Tell the Story
➡️ Instagram: Instagram
➡️ Facebook: Facebook
➡️ LinkedIn: LinkedIn
🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: Download Here
Enjoying the show?
If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show, and it means a lot.
If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at podcast@complicatedkids.com. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.
Thank you for being here. 💛

You do not have to be afraid of big emotions, but you do need a way to meet them.
In this episode, I talk with Elizabeth Sautter about what actually helps in those moments when a child's feelings get big. Elizabeth walks us through her ABCs of big emotions framework: first assess and get curious, then balance the brain, and then move toward connection and collaboration.
We talk about why behavior is data, why the first move is not fixing or teaching, and why the adult's ability to pause matters so much. She also reminds us that self-care is not selfish, it is essential, because we cannot lend regulation to a child when our own system is already flooded.
We also get into what this looks like in real life. Elizabeth explains why telling a dysregulated child to take a deep breath often backfires, why "listen and validate" has to come before problem-solving, and why connection in the moment is different from collaboration later. There is such a helpful reframe here around emotions taking the time they take. The goal is not to rush them out of the body. The goal is to help a child feel safe enough to move through them and then build more skills outside the crisis moment.
Key Takeaways
Big emotions are data. They are not something to fear or immediately shut down. They are a stress response and a form of communication.
The first step is assessment, not control. Elizabeth's "A" is about assessing the moment, pausing, and getting curious about what is really happening underneath the behavior.
Self-care is part of co-regulation. If the adult nervous system is already overwhelmed, it is much harder to respond with steadiness.
Balance the brain before you try to teach. The "B" is about helping the adult and child nervous systems settle enough that thinking becomes possible again.
One breath for me, one breath for you. Elizabeth offers this as a simple way for adults to ground themselves and orient toward supporting the child without demanding the child self-regulate first.
Do not ask a dysregulated child to perform calm. If a child is already flooded, telling them to breathe or answer questions may just add more pressure.
Connection comes before collaboration. In the moment, the work is to listen and validate. The learning, problem-solving, and collaboration happen later, when the child is back in a learning state.
Validation does not require fixing. Sometimes what helps most is being present, using a slow and low voice, and letting the child know their feelings are not too much for the relationship.
Emotions are not supposed to move on our timetable. Kids are born with all the feelings and not all the skills, so part of the work is tolerating that emotions take time.
Skill building mostly happens outside the crisis. The longer-term work is proactive sensory support, movement, regulation tools, and practicing what to do before the next hard moment arrives.
About Elizabeth Sautter
Elizabeth Sautter, MA, CCC-SLP, is a speech-language pathologist, author, trainer, and social-emotional learning coach with more than 25 years of experience supporting neurodivergent individuals and their families.
She is the author of Make Social and Emotional Learning Stick, co-founder of The Connected Family Community, and a collaborator with The Zones of Regulation® and Everyday Regulation.
As a neurodivergent adult and parent of two neurodivergent boys, Elizabeth combines professional expertise with lived experience to offer practical, neurodiversity-affirming strategies that support emotional regulation, executive functioning, and communication through everyday routines.
About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet
I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.
Complicated Kids Resources and Links
🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com
📅 Schedule a free intro call: Book Here
📺 Subscribe on YouTube: Complicated Kids YouTube
👾 Grab Tell the Story: Tell the Story
➡️ Instagram: @gabriele_nicolet
➡️ Facebook: Facebook
➡️ LinkedIn: LinkedIn
🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: Download Here
Enjoying the Show?
If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show and it means a lot.
If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at podcast@complicatedkids.com. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.
Thank you for being here 💛

If a child is struggling to learn to read, waiting rarely makes that easier.
In this episode, I talk with Faye Bankler Casell about what parents need to know when early reading is not coming together the way it should. Faye explains why reading instruction in schools can feel like a lottery system, why so many children are still being missed until third or fourth grade, and why first grade is such an important window for intervention. We talk about the science of reading, early identification, and the very real difference between a child who is guessing well and a child who is actually decoding.
We also get into what parents can actually do. Faye walks through the foundational sound-level skills that matter most, what to watch for in preschool and kindergarten, and why waiting for a child to fail before acting can come at such a high cost academically and emotionally. One of the things I really love about this conversation is how practical and hopeful it is. Parents do not need to become reading specialists overnight, but they can learn what to look for, what questions to ask, and how to start supporting a child sooner rather than later.
Key Takeaways
Early intervention matters enormously. If a child is not learning to read easily, first grade is a powerful time to intervene. Waiting until fourth grade makes intervention longer and much harder.
A child can show risk signs before they are formally reading. Faye explains that dyslexia risk can often be identified by around age five and a half because the issue is rooted in language processing, not just school reading performance.
Reading struggles often start at the sound level. Parents want to look closely at phonological awareness, letter-sound connections, rhyming, sound deletion, and sound substitution.
Some bright kids compensate for a long time. A child may memorize words, guess from pictures, or use the first letter as a clue, which can make it look like reading is fine until the demands get heavier.
Third grade is often when the mask slips. That is when memorization stops being enough and multisyllabic academic language starts to expose the underlying gaps.
Structured literacy helps all kids and is essential for some. Faye frames this approach as beneficial for everyone and absolutely necessary for children whose brains are not going to intuit reading patterns on their own.
Speech and language history matters. If a child has had speech delays or ongoing language-processing concerns, that is a reason to stay especially alert around reading development.
Parents do not have to wait passively. Even while seeking testing, services, or better school support, there are meaningful ways families can start helping at home.
Correct answers do not always mean mastery. A child can get a word or pattern right through guessing or partial knowledge, which is why adult observation still matters so much.
This is not about a broken child. It is about teaching in a way that matches how the child learns. The burden belongs with the adults and the system, not with the child.
About Faye Bankler Casell
Faye Bankler Casell received her MA in Early Childhood Education and Special Education from Teachers College Columbia. After teaching in public and private programs across the US, she redesigned an early childhood inclusion program that received recognition from the US Department of Education, NPR, and a national organization.
Inspired by the need to launch the reading of her twice exceptional child, Faye became a Certified Academic Language Therapist and Dyslexia Therapist. She now supports parents in the early reading development of their dyslexic children through Home Reading Coach, her social platforms, and her YouTube channel, "Teach My Child to Read." She also works privately with clients and is launching a parent-led, therapist-coached dyslexia program for families supporting reading at home.
About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet
I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.
Complicated Kids Resources and Links
🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com
📅 Schedule a free intro call: Book Here
📺 Subscribe on YouTube: Complicated Kids YouTube
👾 Grab Tell the Story: Tell the Story
➡️ Instagram: @gabriele_nicolet
➡️ Facebook: facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet
➡️ LinkedIn: LinkedIn Profile
🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: Download Here
Enjoying the Show?
If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show and it means a lot.
If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at podcast@complicatedkids.com. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.
Thank you for being here 💛