Complicated Kids

When a teen is in crisis, the behavior is not the whole message.
In this conversation, I talk with Katie May about what she calls "fire feelers," kids and teens who are biologically sensitive, highly reactive, and slow to return to baseline once emotions get big. Katie explains how these kids often grow up hearing some version of "you're fine" when they are very much not fine, and how that repeated mismatch can teach them to distrust their own internal experience. We talk about why self-destructive behavior is often an attempt to make overwhelming emotion stop, and why behavior has to be understood as communication before it can really change.
We also get into one of the most important parts of the episode for me: what happens to parents when things escalate. Katie talks about the shame and blame cycle, the grief that sits underneath so much of that, and why parents need their own support if they are going to stay steady in the middle of a crisis. We unpack the revolving door of hospitalization, what keeps families stuck there, and why healing is not about making all the stress disappear. It is about learning how to live inside a life that is hard and still build something meaningful, connected, and hopeful.
Key Takeaways
Some kids are biologically more sensitive. They feel emotions intensely, react quickly, and take longer to calm back down. Katie calls these kids "fire feelers."
Repeated dismissal teaches kids to doubt themselves. When a child keeps hearing "you're fine" while feeling overwhelmed, they may start to believe their own internal signals are wrong.
Self-destructive behavior is often a solution, not just a problem. It may be an impulsive attempt to make unbearable emotion go away fast.
Behavior is communication. If the outside looks chaotic, there is usually something painful and dysregulated happening on the inside.
Validation is not approval. It is a way of saying, "I see how hard this is for you," without reinforcing harmful behavior.
Parents do not need a perfect script. Sometimes the right response is words, and sometimes it is simply staying present without minimizing what the teen is feeling.
Beneath blame and shame, there is often grief. Parents are grieving the gap between the life they imagined and the life they are actually living.
You cannot just remove a coping strategy without building something else. If a behavior is serving a survival function, there has to be a different way for that person to get through the day.
The hospitalization cycle can become its own trap. Parents and clinicians feel temporary relief, but the teen often comes back to the same triggers without enough targeted support.
Parents need real support too. This is heavy, isolating work, and families need spaces where they can talk honestly without being judged or panicked at.
About Katie May
Katie K. May is a licensed therapist, author, speaker, and group practice owner. She founded Creative Healing, a multi-location teen support center in the Philadelphia area, and wrote the #1 Amazon best-seller You're On Fire, It's Fine. With lived experience as a teen who turned to self-harm, Katie is one of only 11 Linehan Board Certified DBT Clinicians in Pennsylvania, the gold standard treatment for self-harm and suicidal behaviors. She equips parents and clinicians with practical, trauma-informed tools to decode behavior as survival and create lasting change.
About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet
I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.
Complicated Kids Resources and Links
🌎 Website: www.gabrielenicolet.com
📅 Schedule a free intro call: Book Here
📺 Subscribe on YouTube: Complicated Kids YouTube Channel
👾 Grab Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids): Tell the Story
➡️ Instagram: @gabriele_nicolet
➡️ Facebook: facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet
➡️ LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/gabrielenicolet
🌺 Free Orchid Kid Checklist: Download Here
Enjoying the Show?
If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show, and it means a lot.
If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.
Thank you for being here. 💛

The shoes, backpacks, grades, and meltdowns are not the whole story. They never were.
This one gave me a reason to pause and reflect.
I originally thought I would do something special for episode 150, and then life happened. So here we are at episode 155, and honestly, the double fives feel like a good enough reason to pause and look back.
There is no guest today. It's just me reflecting on what I hope has been underneath this podcast all along.
One of the biggest threads is this: children are whole humans. They are not projects. They are not here to perform perfectly so we can feel like good parents. They are their own people, growing and developing in the way they are meant to grow and develop.
That is true for children who will eventually move into adulthood with more independence, and it is also true for children who may need support throughout their lives.
If that is part of your family's story, I mention my conversation with Maedi Tanham Carney from Episode 106 about future planning and support for children who may need lifelong care:
https://youtu.be/UjN7mLZKjuc
I also talk about how easy it is to lose the long view of parenting when we are deep in the everyday stuff: shoes, backpacks, homework, grades, getting to school on time, getting through the day.
Those things can feel huge in the moment, and I get that. But they are not the whole point.
The point is raising a human.
That long view also shows up in my conversation with Martha Adler from Episode 3 about death, grief, and helping children navigate loss:
https://youtu.be/ycjCg9KB_zE
Another thread I come back to again and again is the difference between influence and control.
We have influence over our children. We can guide, support, teach, model, and repair. But we do not control who they become or exactly how their lives unfold.
I know. Rude.
But also true.
If that idea feels like something you need more of, I mention my conversation with Ben Pugh from Episode 33 on influence versus control:
https://youtu.be/LM0KJS-NKNs
I also talk about the thoughts we have about our children and how much those thoughts shape our experience of parenting.
When we believe our kids "should" be different, easier, faster, more motivated, more regulated, or more like the child we imagined, we usually end up suffering right alongside them.
That is where the idea that circumstances are neutral comes in. I reference my conversation with Penny Williams from Episode 85 on that exact topic:
https://youtu.be/y2ecqVV08lg
And of course, we get to behavior.
Because we always get to behavior.
Behavior is a signal. It is not the root. When something looks disorderly on the outside, something often feels disorderly on the inside too.
That does not mean anything goes. It means we need to stay curious about what the behavior is communicating before we decide we understand the whole story.
For more on that, I mention my conversation with Debra Brause from Episode 129:
https://youtu.be/--rKzaCQZ5M
Mostly, this episode is a thank you and a reminder.
Thank you for listening, for sharing episodes, for telling me what lands, and for being part of this community.
And here is the reminder:
The child in front of you is not a problem to solve.
The hard day you are having today will not happen again exactly this way.
And the work is not getting every backpack hung up correctly.
The work is raising a human.
Key Takeaways
Children are whole humans, not projects.
Parenting is bigger than the daily checklist.
The long view matters.
Influence is not the same as control.
Thoughts shape the parenting experience.
Behavior is communication.
Curiosity creates compassion.
Hard days are temporary.
Parents need support too.
The child in front of us matters more than the child we imagined.
About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet
I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids.
Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.
Complicated Kids Resources & Links
🌎 Website:
www.gabrielenicolet.com
📅 Schedule a free intro call:
https://calendly.com/gabrielenicolet/free-15-minute-1-1-session
📺 Subscribe on YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/@complicatedkids/featured
👾 Grab Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids):
https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/tell-the-story
➡️ Instagram:
http://instagram.com/gabriele_nicolet
➡️ Facebook:
http://facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet
➡️ LinkedIn:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/gabrielenicolet/
🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist:
https://www.raisingorchidkids.com/orchid-kid-check-list-sign-up/
Enjoying the Show?
If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show — and it means a lot.
If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.
Thank you for being here. 💛

If your child is escalating and you are escalating too, that is not a discipline problem. It is a nervous system moment.
In this conversation, I talk with Eva Crawford, LCSW-C, about what somatic work actually means and why it matters so much for parents of neurodivergent kids. Eva explains how many of us are not noticing what is happening in our own bodies until we are already fully triggered, and how that makes it much harder to respond the way we want to. We talk about interoception, trauma responses, shame, and the ways parents can start building awareness before they hit the point of yelling, shutting down, or spiraling.
We also get into one of my favorite parts of the conversation: Eva's smoke alarm analogy. She explains that some kids have incredibly sensitive nervous systems, so what looks like a huge overreaction may actually be a smoke alarm going off over crispy toast. The problem is that when the child's alarm sets off the parent's alarm too, nobody is helping the house feel safer. We talk about what repair really looks like, why your child cannot borrow calm from a dysregulated parent, and why you do not have to be perfectly healed to be a good parent. You just have to stay curious enough to keep learning.
Key Takeaways
Somatic work starts with noticing the body sooner. Instead of waiting until you are in full panic, rage, or shutdown, somatic work helps you notice the earlier signs like tight shoulders, jaw tension, jitteriness, heat, or shallow breathing.
Many parents are not reacting the way they want to because they are already escalated. That does not automatically mean they lack parenting knowledge. Often it means their nervous system is taking over before they can access the response they would prefer.
Your child's distress can trigger your own unfinished material. If your reaction feels bigger than the moment calls for, that is often a clue that something older or deeper is being activated in you.
Kids cannot borrow calm from a dysregulated parent. If you want to help a child regulate, you usually have to bring your own system down first, even if only by one notch.
The goal is not to lecture the smoke alarm. When a child is in a full nervous system response, logic is not going to land. Safety, co-regulation, and lowered threat come first.
Repair matters more than perfection. The rupture itself is not always what causes the most damage. What matters most is whether you come back, take responsibility, and reconnect.
A real apology is about your behavior, not the child's feelings. You are not apologizing for their upset. You are apologizing for how you showed up when you were overwhelmed.
Shame shuts down growth. Curiosity opens it back up. If you feel ashamed after a parenting moment, that can be a signal that there is something important to understand, not proof that you are failing.
Parents need in-the-moment tools and long-term healing. A 30-second reset can help during a meltdown, but lasting change also comes from capacity building, self-compassion, therapy, coaching, and addressing old patterns.
You do not have to be fully healed to be a good parent. You do need humility, awareness, and a willingness to keep making adjustments.
About Eva Crawford
Eva Crawford, LCSW-C, is a licensed clinical social worker and board-certified supervisor with more than a decade of experience providing holistic, trauma-informed care. Her work integrates somatic, narrative, DBT, and ACT approaches with a neurodiversity-affirming lens to support individuals and families navigating complex trauma, burnout, and major life transitions. Eva is known for creating a grounded, compassionate therapeutic space that emphasizes safety, sense of self, and meaningful change.
About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet
I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.
Complicated Kids Resources and Links
🌎 Website:
https://www.gabrielenicolet.com
📅 Schedule a free intro call:
https://calendly.com/gabrielenicolet/free-15-minute-1-1-session
📺 Subscribe on YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/@complicatedkids/featured
👾 Grab Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids):
https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/tell-the-story
➡️ Instagram:
https://instagram.com/gabriele_nicolet
➡️ Facebook:
https://facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet
➡️ LinkedIn:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/gabrielenicolet/
🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist:
https://www.raisingorchidkids.com/orchid-kid-check-list-sign-up/
Enjoying the Show?
If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show—and it means a lot.
If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.
Thank you for being here. 💛

You cannot teach executive function by controlling a child harder.
Executive function is not just about planners, homework, and getting organized. It is about self-awareness, self-regulation, and being able to take the next step toward a goal, even when something feels hard.
In this episode, I talk with Sean McCormick, founder of Executive Function Specialists, about what actually helps kids build executive function skills. We unpack why avoidance is often a sign that something feels too hard, why motivation works better when it connects to a child's own goals, and why adults need to stop trying to control kids and start getting more curious about what is getting in the way.
Sean shares practical ways to break big goals into doable steps, explains why support should be done with kids instead of for them, and makes a strong case for modeling executive function in our own lives too.
Key Takeaways
Executive function is bigger than school skills. It includes planning, organization, self-awareness, time awareness, inhibition, emotional regulation, and the ability to evaluate priorities and move toward a future goal.
Emotional regulation is part of executive function. Kids cannot plan, prioritize, or get started well when they are overwhelmed and not aware of what they are feeling.
Avoidance usually tells us something important. When a child keeps avoiding homework or a task, it often means the task feels too hard, too big, too unclear, or too emotionally loaded.
Real growth happens at the point of performance. Executive function skills are built in the moment a child is facing the actual challenge, not only through lessons about skills in the abstract.
Kids need the next right step, not the whole staircase. A big goal becomes more manageable when adults help break it down into a challenge that feels just doable enough.
Motivation works better when it belongs to the child. Kids are more likely to engage when they can connect daily tasks to something they want for themselves, not just something adults want from them.
Adults have to notice the nonverbal signs. Body language, shutdown, avoidance, and tone often tell us more than a child's words about when something feels too hard.
Support works best when it is done with a child, not for them. Co-regulating, helping them get started, and gradually releasing responsibility builds skill without taking away agency.
Failure is not the end of the process. Failure gives feedback. Natural consequences can help kids learn, especially when an adult helps them reflect and recover instead of shaming them.
Adults need to model executive function too. Kids learn from how we manage our own energy, limits, priorities, and stress. Burned-out adults cannot effectively teach sustainable regulation.
About Sean McCormick
Sean McCormick is a former public school special education teacher and the founder of Executive Function Specialists, an online coaching company that supports students with ADHD and autism in building executive function skills.
He also founded the Executive Function Coaching Academy to train educators and professionals in executive function coaching, and co-founded UpSkill Specialists to support neurodivergent adults.
Sean is passionate about helping students and families understand the practical skills that make everyday life more manageable and meaningful.
About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet
I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids.
Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.
Complicated Kids Resources & Links
🌎 Website:
www.gabrielenicolet.com
📅 Schedule a free intro call:
Book here
📺 Subscribe on YouTube:
Complicated Kids YouTube Channel
👾 Grab Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids):
Tell the Story
➡️ Instagram:
@gabriele_nicolet
➡️ Facebook:
facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet
➡️ LinkedIn:
Gabriele Nicolet on LinkedIn
🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist:
Download the Checklist
Enjoying the Show?
If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show — and it means a lot.
If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.
Thank you for being here. 💛

Sometimes a grade becomes the whole story.
A child gets a low score, forgets an assignment, melts down over homework, or seems unmotivated, and suddenly everyone is focused on performance. But in this conversation, Dr. Linda Silbert brings us back to something much more important: a struggling child is still a whole child. Grades may show that something is wrong, but they do not explain why.
Gabriele and Dr. Silbert talk about the many reasons good kids can struggle in school, from weak reading skills and poor study habits to family stress, overscheduling, lack of sleep, and the emotional weight kids carry every day. They talk about how often children are expected to know how to study, organize themselves, and manage demands they were never actually taught to handle. They also explore how parents can shift from reacting to grades to getting curious about the cause.
This episode is also a strong reminder that learning has to fit the child. Dr. Silbert shares how play, connection, and simple strategies can unlock progress in ways pressure never will. It is a hopeful conversation about seeing children clearly, supporting them practically, and letting go of the idea that a report card tells you everything you need to know.
Key Takeaways
Bad grades are often a symptom, not the real problem. Looking only at the grade can keep parents from seeing the stress, skill gaps, overload, or unmet needs underneath it.
Many kids are told to study harder without ever being taught how to study. Study skills, organization, and planning are learned skills.
Parents help most when they act like an ally, not an adversary. Sitting beside a child and staying calm can change the emotional tone of learning.
Overload matters. Too much activity, too little sleep, too much screen time, and too much pressure all affect learning and regulation.
Children cannot do well when basic needs are not being met. Hunger, exhaustion, stress, and lack of connection all get in the way.
Disorganization and avoidance are often signs of missing skills or too much stress, not laziness.
Learning has to match how the child's brain works. Play and engagement can unlock progress more effectively than pressure.
Self-esteem is shaped by how children experience school and home, including tone, reactions, and expectations.
Families need priorities, not perfection. It helps to step back and decide what matters most right now.
The goal is to see the whole child. Grades and performance only tell part of the story.
About Dr. Linda Silbert
Dr. Linda Silbert is an educational counselor, dyslexia therapist, and longtime educator with decades of experience helping children and families understand the reasons behind school struggles. Her work focuses on the whole child, with an emphasis on self-esteem, learning differences, study skills, and practical support that fits real family life. She is the author of Why Good Kids Get Bad Grades: What Parents Need to Know and Do and the founder of Strong Learning.
About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet
I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.
Complicated Kids Resources and Links
🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com
📅 Schedule a free intro call
📺 Subscribe on YouTube
👾 Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool)
➡️ Instagram
➡️ Facebook
➡️ LinkedIn
🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist
Enjoying the show?
If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show and it means a lot.
If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what would support your family.
Thank you for being here. 💛