Complicated Kids

Regulation starts with you, not your child.
In this conversation, I talk with Lisa Candera, single mom of a now-adult son with autism, profound OCD, and anxiety, about what it actually means to "regulate yourself first." Lisa shares how a long stretch of crisis during the pandemic pushed her to the edge and forced her to find ways to stay grounded in the middle of 911 calls, hospitalizations, and daily meltdowns.
We unpack what regulation looks like in real life—pausing instead of rushing in, counting a three-out-of-ten success rate as a huge win, and getting honest about the stories that drive our reactions, especially the "I am failing my child" soundtrack. Lisa talks about turning her parked car into a "car office" for safety and space, setting clear boundaries around aggression, and shifting from lecturing in the moment to making a plan when everyone is calmer.
We also talk about raising teens with big emotions and neurodivergent brains. Lisa names the pressure parents feel to foster independence, the fear of "enabling," and the reality that a fifteen-year-old with autism may not be developmentally fifteen. Together we explore scaffolding, praising effort and emerging skills, and holding a both-and: your child is struggling, and you deserve support and compassion too.
Key Takeaways
Regulation starts with you, not your child.
Lisa describes regulation as moving from constantly losing your temper to feeling more grounded and able to respond. You don't have to be calm all the time—small shifts in your reactions can dramatically change the dynamic.
A three-out-of-ten success rate is already a big deal.
Instead of expecting yourself to get it right every time, Lisa suggests aiming for three regulated responses out of ten. Those moments might happen within minutes, and they still count.
Pausing interrupts the automatic pattern.
The urge to fix or lecture right away is strong. Even a brief pause can interrupt the usual pattern between you and your child and give you space to choose something different.
Your triggers are about you, not just your child's behavior.
Lisa discovered that many of her reactions were driven by fear and the belief that she was failing her son. Naming those stories helped her respond with more flexibility and compassion.
You can change the dance by changing your part.
Parents and kids often fall into predictable interaction patterns. When Lisa shifted how she responded—sometimes leaving the apartment instead of engaging—the pattern changed.
Boundaries can include creative safety plans.
During COVID, Lisa's plan sometimes involved leaving the apartment and sitting in her car when her son became aggressive. She reframed it as a temporary strategy rather than a failure.
Thoughts like "this is an emergency" can escalate things.
Parents' nervous systems often interpret big emotions as danger. Expanding your tolerance for discomfort can help you respond to what's actually happening.
Scaffolding is not the same as enabling.
Developmental level and anxiety matter. Sometimes making a task easier is what allows progress in other areas.
Notice and name what your child does well.
Highlighting everyday successes helps children internalize the belief that they can do hard things.
You are not the baseline for how everyone else should be.
Letting go of "I am the standard" creates more room for difference and helps you relate to your child as the person they are.
About Lisa Candera
Lisa Candera is a single mom of a teen with severe autism and OCD, an attorney, ADHD-er, and the autism mom coach behind The Autism Mom Coach. She helps parents of autistic children learn to regulate themselves first so they can show up for their kids with more calm, compassion, and confidence. Lisa hosts The Autism Mom Podcast, contributes to Autism Parenting Magazine, and presents on parental self-care, emotional regulation, and meltdown de-escalation strategies.
About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet
I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.
Complicated Kids Resources and Links
🌎 gabrielenicolet.com
📅 Schedule a free intro call: Book here
📺 Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube Channel
👾 Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids): Learn more
➡️ Instagram: instagram.com/gabriele_nicolet
➡️ Facebook: facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet
➡️ LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/gabrielenicolet
🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: Download here
Enjoying the show?
If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show—and it means a lot.
If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.
Thank you for being here. 💛

When professionals disagree, school minimizes, and your gut is screaming that something is off, your perspective on your child matters more than any report.
If you're raising a high-masking, high-achieving neurodivergent kid, you may be living a split-screen life: "She's doing great here" from school, and daily meltdowns, shutdowns, or refusals at home. It's disorienting and it can make you doubt what you're seeing.
In this episode, I talk with Amanda Levin, founder of NeuroSpice Girls, about kids who are both gifted and disabled, socially chatty and autistic, "fine" at school and utterly spent by the time they walk through the front door. We unpack masking, pervasive drive for autonomy, and how school days can be the unseen setup for after-school explosions.
We also get honest about advocacy: the missing roadmap for 504s and IEPs, the "hidden menu" of supports no one tells you about, and why so many parents feel like they have to build a case just to get basic help. Amanda shares how she stopped waiting for someone else to fix it, asked her son what he needed, and helped create more accessible religious school programming that works better for all kids.
You might walk out of a meeting thinking, "They don't really see my kid." This conversation is meant to steady you and remind you that what you notice at home is real and important.
Key Takeaways
High masking hides real struggle. Some neurodivergent kids work incredibly hard to "hold it together" at school, then completely unravel at home. That split does not make their struggles less real.
Gifted and disabled often coexist. A child can be academically advanced and have significant executive function, sensory, or emotional regulation challenges. Those things live side by side, not in opposition.
Invisible disabilities are still disabilities. When there is no wheelchair, no obvious device, or no behavioral disruption at school, systems often downplay needs. Parents are left doing the heaviest lifting behind closed doors.
Masking is about survival, not performance. Many autistic and neurodivergent kids suppress their own signals to fit in or avoid negative attention. The cost of doing that all day shows up later as meltdown, shutdown, or "refusal."
There is no universal roadmap for services. Amanda's experience highlights how subjective and inconsistent 504 and IEP processes can be. Families often have to hunt for information that should be offered up front.
You are allowed to question the system. When school or professionals say, "He's fine here," but home tells a different story, it is reasonable to push back, connect the dots, and insist that what you see matters.
Collaboration with your child is a game-changer. Asking, "What would make this more doable for you?" can reveal simple but powerful shifts—shorter commitments, movement breaks, different environments—that reduce demand and increase buy-in.
Supports for neurodivergent kids help everyone. The changes Amanda helped create at Hebrew school (shorter time, movement, sensory-aware teaching) are good pedagogy, period. Neuro-affirming design improves access for all kids.
Community reduces isolation. NeuroSpice Girls grew out of Amanda's need to talk with people who truly "got it." Peer support and real-time spaces to vent, brainstorm, and share resources make a huge difference for caregivers.
Your observations are data. What you see at home, after school, and in everyday routines is not "just your opinion." It is critical information about how your child is actually functioning and what they need to thrive.
About Amanda Levin
Amanda Levin is the founder of NeuroSpice Girls, a peer support group and social events club for moms of neurodivergent kids in the greater Washington, DC area. She is the mom of a neurospicy fourth grader and a kindergartner, and she brings her background in event planning, government relations, and post–Hurricane Katrina and Rita relief work to building community and practical support for caregivers who are navigating complex systems and big feelings at home.
About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet
I'm Gabriele Nicolet—toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.
Complicated Kids Resources and Links
🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com
📅 Schedule a free intro call
📺 Subscribe on YouTube
👾 Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids)
➡️ Instagram
➡️ Facebook
➡️ LinkedIn
🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist
Enjoying the show?
If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show—and it means a lot.
If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.
Thank you for being here. 💛

ADHD is not a motivation problem. It is a skills and systems problem.
Parenting a child with ADHD and executive function challenges can feel like living inside a never-ending loop of forgotten water bottles, missing homework, and mornings that go off the rails. It is easy to assume kids are not listening, not trying, or do not care.
In this conversation, Gabriele and ADHD expert and parent coach Cindy Goldrich zoom out from "he is just lazy" and "she should know better by now" and look at what is really going on in the brain. Cindy explains executive function as "how you do what you intend to do," and why challenges in this area are about skills, not character. Together, they explore what it means to believe that kids do well when they can—and how that belief changes the questions we ask, the systems we build, and the way we respond when things go sideways.
Key Takeaways
Executive function is about doing, not knowing. Executive function includes working memory, processing speed, task initiation, planning, organization, emotional regulation, flexibility, and self-talk. It is the "how you do what you intend to do," not how smart you are.
You cannot be diagnosed with "executive dysfunction," but it still matters. Executive function is not a DSM diagnosis. It is a description of how the brain manages tasks and emotions—and it can be assessed and supported even without a formal label.
ADHD and executive function are deeply connected. If a child has ADHD, they will have executive function challenges by definition. The reverse is not always true, but it explains why "just try harder" never works for ADHD brains.
There is no relationship between speed and intelligence. A child can have a very high IQ and very slow processing speed. When adults equate fast responses with intelligence, slower thinkers are often stressed, misunderstood, and underestimated.
Stress shrinks the brain's thinking space. Cindy uses the image of a balloon to describe cognitive space. Stress, pressure, and time limits push the air out, making it harder for kids to access the skills they already have.
"Kids do well if they can" changes everything. When a child is not following through, curiosity opens the door to problem solving. Blame slams it shut.
Patterns are gold for problem solving. "He always" and "she never" are clues that a pattern exists. That is your cue to step back when things are calm and build better systems.
Consequences without tools are not helpful. Punishment without skill-building is like asking a chain smoker to quit instantly without support. Boundaries matter, but tools and systems must come first.
Inconsistency is part of ADHD. Kids with ADHD may succeed one day and struggle the next. That does not mean they are choosing to fail—their brain, energy, or environment has changed.
Parents need compassion too. Many parents of ADHD kids also have ADHD themselves or years of internalized shame. Seeing ADHD as a brain difference creates room for healing on both sides.
Free Resource from Cindy
Cindy has put together a generous free resource for Complicated Kids listeners:
https://ptscoaching.com/free-gifts/?utm_source=complicatedkids&utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=freegiftspdf
On that page, you will find:
The introduction to 8 Keys to Parenting Kids & Teens with ADHD: Supporting Your Child's Executive Function
A curated set of practical PDFs and tools to help you parent with more confidence, clarity, and connection
Direct links to support and training for both parents and professionals
About Cindy Goldrich
Cindy Goldrich, Ed.M., ADHD-CCSP, is a mental health counselor and internationally recognized expert in ADHD and executive function support. She is the founder of PTS Coaching and the author of 8 Keys to Parenting Kids & Teens with ADHD and ADHD, Executive Function, & Behavioral Challenges in the Classroom. Through her Calm and Connected parent workshops, ADHD Parent Coach Academy, professional trainings, and coaching programs, Cindy has helped thousands of families and educators build calmer, more connected relationships with children who learn and think differently.
About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet
I'm Gabriele Nicolet—toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.
Complicated Kids Resources and Links
🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com
📅 Schedule a free intro call
📺 Subscribe on YouTube
👾 Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids)
➡️ Instagram
➡️ Facebook
➡️ LinkedIn
🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist
Enjoying the show?
If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show—and it means a lot.
If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.
Thank you for being here. 💛

Teens are not broken. The systems around them are.
In this conversation, social worker, researcher, and educator Dr. Will Dobud joins me to zoom out from individual teen "problems" and look at the bigger picture of youth mental health. We talk about what he calls "planet mental health," where there are more therapists, diagnoses, and medications than ever, yet kids are still struggling. Will walks us through how numbers and labels can start to define young people, why phones have become an easy scapegoat, and how school culture, academic pressure, and compliance-driven systems shape so much of what we call "behavior."
We also explore what gets lost when we treat kids as empty vessels or passive recipients of interventions instead of as resources. Will shares stories from his work with teens across three continents, digs into why social-emotional learning can backfire when it is done to kids instead of with them, and lifts up older ideas from John Dewey and Jane Addams about democracy, shared work, and treating young people as full participants in their communities. This episode is a grounded, hopeful invitation to see teens differently and to start changing the environments they are growing up in.
Key Takeaways
Trying to "fix" teen behavior in isolation does not make sense. Behavior always exists within systems adults have built, including school, home, and the wider culture.
We are living on "planet mental health," where more people than ever are diagnosed, medicated, and in treatment, yet many teens do not feel better. What we choose to count and label shapes how young people see themselves.
Phones and social media are often symptoms, not root causes. Boredom, disconnection, and rigid environments drive kids to screens just like adults reaching for phones on a plane.
School was designed as a compliance-based institution for a narrow group of learners. For many teens, it feels more like a factory than a place that values curiosity, autonomy, or real-life problem solving.
The youngest kids in a classroom are statistically more likely to be diagnosed with attention-related conditions, suggesting that developmental stage and fit matter as much as any "disorder."
Social-emotional learning can become a "regrettable substitution" when it is standardized and delivered to kids who never asked for it. Teens need co-regulation and relationship, not just lessons about feelings.
Teachers and parents are also trapped in compliance systems and high-pressure cultures. When adults are dysregulated and overburdened, they cannot provide the steady co-regulation kids need.
Teens are never just a cluster of symptoms. Traits that feel "annoying" in adolescence often become strengths later when they are understood and supported.
The healthiest classrooms, families, and communities function more like real democracies. Young people get meaningful work to do, not just things to memorize.
Shifting how we talk about "kids these days" changes everything. When adults treat teens as resources instead of problems, kids feel more hopeful, engaged, and willing to participate in their own growth.
About Will Dobud
Dr. Will Dobud is a social worker, researcher, and educator who has worked with adolescents and families in the United States, Australia, and Norway. Originally from Washington, DC, he now divides his time between the U.S. and Australia.
Will is an award-winning researcher and educator recognized for excellence in research, teaching, and crime prevention. He is a Senior Lecturer in Social Work at Charles Sturt University, Australia's largest social work school, and an invited international speaker who conducts workshops for therapists and families around the globe.
His research focuses on improving therapy outcomes for teenagers and promoting safe, ethical practices. He has written extensively about the Troubled Teen Industry, particularly wilderness therapy, and works alongside advocates, survivors, researchers, and clinicians to protect youth from institutionalization and harm. He is the coauthor of Kids These Days, a book about youth mental health for adults.
About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet
I'm Gabriele Nicolet—toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.
Complicated Kids Resources and Links
🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com
📅 Schedule a free intro call
📺 Subscribe on YouTube
👾 Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids)
➡️ Instagram
➡️ Facebook
➡️ LinkedIn
🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist
Enjoying the show?
If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show—and it means a lot.
If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.
Thank you for being here. 💛

Kids feel more than they hear. They notice more than they can say.
In this conversation, therapist and mom of two neurodivergent kids, Lisa Kays, joins me to explore why your child seems fine until you finally try to read, listen to a podcast, or focus on something for yourself. We talk about the invisible "container" parents hold with their attention, how kids sense when we mentally leave the room, and why sensitive and neurodivergent kids are often especially tuned into those shifts.
Lisa and I also get real about mom guilt, martyrdom, and the myth that good parents never disappoint their kids. We look at what happens when you try to fake calm at bedtime, why that incoherence makes things worse, and how much changes when you say the quiet part out loud: "I am tired. I am cranky. This is not about you." From there, we move into play, video games, and the pressure to enjoy everything your child enjoys, and how to reframe joining them in their world without pretending to love every second.
This episode is an invitation to trust what your kids are already picking up, be more honest about what you are actually feeling, and let your family experiment with a more grounded, both-and version of connection.
Key Takeaways
Kids are tuned into our attention in ways we usually underestimate. They often stay regulated until they feel your focus shift, then move in to pull you back.
Neurodivergent and "orchid" kids are often especially sensitive to energetic shifts, in part because many rely more on nonverbal cues than language.
Parents hold a real "energetic bubble" with their kids. When you mentally leave that bubble, their nervous system notices—even if they cannot explain it.
Sneaking self-care through half-dissociated scrolling often backfires. Kids sense the withdrawal of presence, even when you are physically nearby.
You cannot fake calm. At bedtime, your child responds to your nervous system, not your "everything is fine" script.
Honesty creates safety. Saying "I am tired and irritable, and this is not about you" helps kids trust both their own perceptions and you.
Allowing disappointment without rushing to fix it teaches resilience, frustration tolerance, and relational trust.
Intentional, communicated withdrawal of attention is different from endlessly overriding your needs. It protects against burnout and builds tolerance for space.
Playing with your child does not require loving every activity. You can connect by letting them lead, being the learner, or practicing regulation while being imperfect.
When your brain insists there are only two options, it is usually lying. Connection has many possible shapes.
About Lisa Kays
Lisa Kays is a licensed independent clinical social worker with a private practice serving clients in Washington, DC, Maryland, Virginia, and Oregon. She works with adults across the lifespan on anxiety, depression, addiction, and relationship challenges, with a special focus on supporting parents of both neurodivergent and neurotypical kids. As a parent of two complicated and awesome children herself, Lisa blends clinical insight with lived experience, helping caregivers understand their own nervous systems, set realistic boundaries, and build more authentic, resilient family relationships. You can learn more at lisakays.com and find her on Instagram and TikTok at @thelisakays.
About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet
I'm Gabriele Nicolet—toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.
Complicated Kids Resources and Links
🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com
📅 Schedule a free intro call
📺 Subscribe on YouTube
👾 Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids)
➡️ Instagram
➡️ Facebook
➡️ LinkedIn
🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist
Enjoying the show?
If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show—and it means a lot.
If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.
Thank you for being here. 💛