Lights On with Carl Lentz

Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com
Our book, Overcoming Infidelity, is OUT NOW: https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Overcoming-Infidelity/Carl-Lentz/9781668230497

Are you getting better, or are you getting bitter? Everyone has opinions about your marriage, your choices, and your life, and how you handle those voices affects your mental health, your relationships, and where your life goes from here.

A week after the book launch, we're talking about how to protect your spirit in a world that runs on criticism. Carl explains why what you rehearse is what you become, and why you may need to restart the algorithm of your life. Laura answers a question we get all the time: how has she stayed so free of bitterness after everything? Her answer starts with a choice she made early on, and it may not be the one you'd expect.

Then we take listener questions about feeling judged by people who walked away, and about the criticism that comes when you try to make a change. We talk about the friends who couldn't support our decisions, what a tenderhearted response looks like, and why the story of your marriage belongs to two people.

Stay for Laura's apocalypse algorithm, Carl's weekly meeting with the bitter version of himself, "bitterness is often grief that never got permission to grieve," and the difference between wanting approval and needing it.

If you've been holding back on something because of what other people might say, this one is for you.

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com
Our book, Overcoming Infidelity, is OUT NOW: https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Overcoming-Infidelity/Carl-Lentz/9781668230497

"Do you ever worry that I'm going to cheat on you again?" Carl asks Laura that question on camera, and her answer may not be what you'd expect.

For everyone new here since the book launched, we pulled together some of the most important conversations we've had on this show, each one tied to a chapter of Overcoming Infidelity. We start with the night everything fell apart and why we chose healing over reputation. Then we get practical: what safety looks like before closeness, what to say to your kids, and what really happens when you go through his phone.

Carl shares the one response every man should have ready for when his wife is triggered, and why the grace you give should be proportional to the years of deception. Laura talks honestly about the exhausting first year, losing friends, and the moment she realized she no longer remembered what distrust felt like.

Stay for the U-Haul night in Brooklyn, the merry-go-round study on why kids need boundaries, the turbulence analogy for talking to your children, "spotlight work vs. shadow work," and Laura's answer to the question she gets asked more than any other.

If you're new to our story, or wondering whether trust can ever come back, start here.

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com
Our book, Overcoming Infidelity, is OUT NOW: https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Overcoming-Infidelity/Carl-Lentz/9781668230497

"Is it really possible to overcome infidelity?" It's the question behind the title of our new book, and we hear it in some form every week. Today, on release day, we answer it live from Nashville, along with your questions about the book.

We talk about why we wrote it, what it is (and what it definitely isn't), and why we built it as ten conversations instead of a formula. Laura explains why sharing your story is one of the last parts of healing, and why the title says overcoming, not overcome. Carl answers the question people keep asking about what comes next, and he doesn't leave much room for interpretation.

Then we take on one of the most common questions we get from betrayed spouses: how do you stop replaying what happened and comparing yourself to the other woman? Laura shares what helped her, including the tools she still uses, and Carl explains the one thing a husband should never do when those replays hit. We also cover what to do when a husband says "you caused this," and what to do when a wife isn't making any progress in her own healing.

Stay for the alternate cover story, "overlords vs. trampolines" (a new way to think about triggers), why the two of us argued over who got to own a mistake, and what it means to be an oasis for a friend whose marriage is falling apart.

If you've been through infidelity, are in it right now, or love someone who is, this one is for you.

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com
Pre-order our book, Overcoming Infidelity, TODAY: https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Overcoming-Infidelity/Carl-Lentz/9781668230497

"How did you experience no guilt? Because you're a Jesus follower?" Last week a wife wrote in about a husband who uses grace to dodge accountability. This week she asks Carl the question directly, and he gives an answer most people won't expect.

We break down four words people treat as interchangeable: guilt, conviction, remorse, and condemnation. One keeps your head down. One lifts it. Carl shares the moment a therapist stopped him mid-story to point out he was still the hero of it, and why real forgiveness should push you toward the truth, not away from it.

Then we answer the question every betrayed spouse is asking: how do you know if someone has really changed? "I repented" is a sentence. Repentance leaves evidence. We walk through the 10 Receipts of Repentance we use in our own marriage, and Laura shares which receipt she still checks for today and how she uses it when a trigger hits.

Stay for "sorry is the handshake," the "go away and live small" myth about what repentance requires, the club analogy behind the name Lights On, and seven light switches for anyone whose faith has been turned against them.

If you've heard "I've repented" and you're still waiting to see anything change, this one is for you.

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com
Pre-order our book, Overcoming Infidelity, TODAY: https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Overcoming-Infidelity/Carl-Lentz/9781668230497

"He tells me he has no guilt, because there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." A wife married over 30 years wrote in with a question we hear far more often than people realize: what do you do when your spouse uses God, grace, and Scripture to avoid ever changing?

We read her letter in full and take it apart piece by piece. She describes a husband raised in a home where every night of harm was followed by "today is a new day," and she's watching that same pattern play out in her own marriage. We talk about why the language we use for repeated harm matters so much, and the one question you can ask a trusted friend to find out if you've been softening your own reality for years.

Then Carl takes on Romans 8 directly. What does "no condemnation" actually promise, and what does it absolutely not give anyone permission to do? Laura shares why it took her three years to say certain words to Carl, and what forgiveness should never produce in the person who was hurt.

Stay for the "coughing up blood" illustration about acclimating to dysfunction, the family system with a reset button but no repair button, Laura's breakdown of what forgiveness is not, and the one question that exposes what your theology is really producing.

If you've ever heard "God forgave me, why can't you?" from someone who never changed, this one is for you. And if you don't share our faith, swap in whatever you believe deeply. The pattern is the same.

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.