Lights On with Carl Lentz

Want to submit questions? Email us at [email protected]

When a husband emailed asking why his wife still brings up his affair every week, three years after it happened, even though she says she has forgiven him, we knew this conversation was going to land for a lot of people. His question was simple and brave: am I allowed to ask for more? And underneath it sits the question nobody wants to say out loud. What's the difference between a spouse who is genuinely still healing, and a spouse who is using the past as a weapon?

In this episode of Lights On, We got into the full timeline of recovery after betrayal: the early trauma phase, the processing phase, and the long rebuilding phase that doesn't end the way most couples expect. We explain why "time heals all wounds" is one of the worst lies ever sold, why some marriages get stuck in what they call a hostage crisis, and how to tell the difference between healing pain and recycled pain.

You'll hear the sponge metaphor that has helped more couples than we can count. The guardrails every rebuilding marriage needs. The hard truth for women who say they want a strong man back while still breaking him down daily. And the even harder truth for men who keep leading with "don't I have the right" instead of "I'm choosing to own this."

Whether you're three months in, three years in, or quietly sitting in pain longer than you want to admit, this episode is built to give you clarity. Because clarity is the thing that brings the power back into the room.

We closed with the three choices every couple has to make: heal, heal together, or heal separately. The only option that doesn't exist is no plan.

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/

Chapters:

0:00 - Intro
2:38 - Welcome
3:27 - The Email — "She Says She Forgave Me But Her Actions Say Otherwise"
4:18 - Are You Allowed to Ask for More?
5:45 - What You Lose the Right to Ask
6:34 - You Still Deserve Basic Dignity
7:56 - Where Is This Marriage Going?
8:37 - When She Stays But Won't Heal
9:07 - The Healing Timeline Explained
10:28 - Phase 1 — Chaos (0–3 Months)
11:04 - God Behind Bars
11:36 - Phase 2 — Processing (3–12 Months)
12:05 - Phase 3 — Rebuilding (1–2 Years+)
13:04 - Why "Time Heals All Wounds" Is a Lie
18:18 - BetterHelp
19:18 - What Real Healing Actually Looks Like
21:45 - The Sponge Analogy
23:08 - Using the Past as a Weapon vs. Processing It
24:38 - You Never Have to Forget
25:13 - The Ground Rules That Keep You Both Safe
27:25 - How Your Words Are Building or Destroying Your Husband
28:49 - Wonder Project
29:53 - Stop Being Vague About How You're Healing
31:12 - Getting Clear About Intimacy
32:50 - How Do You Know Someone Is Actually Healing?
33:04 - When Therapy Makes Things Worse
35:29 - She's Not Cold. She's Firm.
36:52 - Policy Genius
38:02 - Forgiveness and Rebuilding Are Not the Same Thing
38:31 - The Posture Every Husband Needs Right Now
39:55 - You Have to Learn to Meet Your Own Needs
41:23 - Stop Leading With "Don't I Have Rights?"
43:03 - Six Years Later — It Still Shows Up
44:58 - The Three Choices Every Couple Has to Make
46:56 - Are You Choosing to Heal Today?
48:04 - Outro
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Want to submit questions? Email us at [email protected]
This episode explores the tension between "be the light of the world" and "live a quiet life" - and why both can coexist in the same calling. Carl sits down with Ruslan Alkhouri, the Armenian refugee turned seven-figure media entrepreneur, about faithfulness before platform, godly ambition versus worldly fame, and why implementation always beats information.
The conversation covers twenty years of faithful local service that nobody saw, how God breathed on Ruslan's YouTube platform during the pandemic, and the controversial topic of wealth in ministry. You'll hear why your assignment is seasonal but your purpose is constant, and why you can't change people no matter how hard you try.
If you're wrestling with how to build something meaningful without losing your soul, or wondering whether your current season of faithfulness will ever lead to breakthrough, this conversation was made for you.
Follow Carl at: instagram.com/carllentz
Follow Laura at: instagram.com/lauralentz
Follow Ruslan at: instagram.com/ruslankd
Supported by Wonder Project https://www.thewonderproject.com/
Supported by God Behind Bars https://www.godbehindbars.com/
Supported by Policy Genius https://www.policygenius.com/
Supported by Better Help https://www.betterhelp.com/

Chapters:
0:00 – Intro Highlights
0:56 – Meet the Guest: Ruslan
1:41 – From Armenian Refugee to Gangster Culture
4:35 – Finding Faith & Surrendering His Life
5:18 – 20 Years of Serving Quietly Before the Platform
7:30 – Shifting Away from Call-Out Culture
9:30 – Wonder Project (Sponsor)
10:35 – Getting Under Healthy Leadership at Rhythm Church
13:05 – Did He Feel Behind? The Engine of Godly Ambition
21:03 – God Behind Bars (Sponsor)
21:35 – Who Is This Book For?
29:39 – Policy Genius (Sponsor)
30:49 – Ambition Is Evil… Or Is It?
32:08 – The Comparison Trap & Social Media Lies
34:18 – "Live a Quiet Life" – The Most Misused Scripture
36:32 – The State of Culture: Distrust in Institutions
43:00 – Purpose Is Constant, Assignment Is Seasonal
45:31 – Small Habits Build Great Men
46:41 – BetterHelp (Sponsor)
47:41 – What You Do ≠ Who You Are
51:05 – Talent Stacking: Nothing Is Wasted
53:03 – Biblical Financial Literacy & The Missing Conversation
58:30 – Generosity Is a State of Mind
1:03:34 – Closing: The Book & Final Words
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to submit questions? Email us at [email protected]

When a mom of three teenage boys emailed us asking how to lead her family through the aftermath of her husband's betrayal, we knew this conversation needed its own episode. Her oldest son has gone cold. The anger is hardening. The whole family is weary. And she's wondering if the work she and her husband are doing will ever be enough to reach the kids who didn't choose any of this.
In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura sit with the question every couple in recovery eventually has to face: how do you parent well while your kids are still reacting to something you created? Drawing from six years on this road with their own three children, they reframe the question entirely, walk through what the adolescent brain is actually capable of processing, and offer five principles that have carried their family through layered, lagging, multi-year healing.

You'll hear why the most dangerous timeline in family recovery is the one in your head. Why your son's anger is not his final form. Why "show me, don't tell me" is the only currency teenagers will spend. And why the goal isn't to win your kids back, it's to become so steady, so safe, and so full of life that the ice has no choice but to melt.

If you're a parent in the thick of repair work, or you're watching someone you love try to lead a family through the consequences of a hard year, this one was written for you. Carl gets honest about shame, consistency, and the moments his own kids have caught him still mirroring their pain. Laura speaks directly to the fear underneath your child's reactions: they didn't just lose trust in you, they lost trust in life itself.

Stay for the metaphors that will outlast the episode (the garden, the ice block, the leaking roof) and the reminder that you are not behind. You are right on time.

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/

Supported by Wonder Project
https://www.amazon.com/gp/video/offers/ref=atv_3p_amz_c_CDvZ9m_1_1?benefitId=wonderprojectus

CHAPTERS:

0:00 Intro
0:58 Welcome to Lights On
1:00 The Listener's Email
2:51 The Family's Story
4:24 Why This Episode Matters
5:11 Reframing the Question
7:07 How Kids Process Betrayal
8:00 Children Heal on Their Own Timeline
10:13 The 5 Principles
11:01 Resetting Expectations
13:08 Principle 1: Don't Mirror Your Kids
18:07 The Garden Mindset
20:03 When Shame Tries to Win
21:34 They Lost Trust in Life
24:17 Leading When They're Not Okay
25:00 One Day at a Time
29:03 Answer Pain with Patience
30:28 Your Calm Heals Them
31:58 Show the Repair
34:04 Holding the Line with Grace
35:20 Keep Encouraging Therapy
36:44 Principle 2: Anger Isn't Their Final Form
38:35 Principle 3: You Can't Rush Trust
40:06 Do It Because You're Healthy
40:58 Control Your Consistency, Not Them
41:19 Principle 4: Lead by Example
43:10 Kids Notice Everything
44:25 Let Them See the Repair
45:03 Repair in Front of Them
46:47 Principle 5: Heat, Not Pressure
48:00 Creating Safety Over Time
49:20 Don't Give Up
49:54 Outro & Sponsors
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If you or someone you love is trapped in addiction and you've run out of answers, call Hope Is Alive at 1-844-3-HOPE-NOW or visit hopeisalive.net

In this honest and hope-filled episode of Lights On, Carl Lentz sits down with Lance Lang — pastor's kid turned 50-pill-a-day addict turned founder of Hope Is Alive — for a conversation that will change the way you see addiction forever. Lance breaks down the moment he hit rock bottom, why addiction doesn't care about your last name, your bank account, or your upbringing, and how one full confession in his uncle's office on April 6th, 2011 became the first day of the rest of his life. Carl and Lance dismantle the stigma that rehab is for people who've lost everything, explain why explanations are not excuses but tools, and make the case that sobriety is not a surrender — it's a superpower. From the lie that you're too busy to get help, to the three things every family member of an addict needs to hear, to why the cost of not going is always greater than the cost of going, this episode is a lifeline for anyone who's been waiting for a sign. Whether you're the one struggling in silence, the spouse who's tried everything, or the parent sitting in a pew next to someone who's carrying the same secret you are — this is your moment.

Drawing from 23 years of marriage and their own journey through betrayal, rebuilding, and recovery, Carl and Laura created Lights On to bring light to the areas of life where we need it most.

If this episode gave you hope or you're ready to take the next step, don't wait. Call Hope Is Alive at 1-844-3-HOPE-NOW or visit hopeisalive.net

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Lance at: hopeisalive.net
Hope Is Alive: hopeisalive.net
Supported by God Behind Bars - https://godbehindbars.com
Supported by Plana - https://plana.org/

CHAPTERS:
0:00 - Welcome to Lights On
1:56 - Lance Lang: Pastor's Kid, Drug Addict, Founder
3:56 - Addiction Doesn't Discriminate
8:39 - Rock Bottom: 50 Pills a Day
9:55 - The First Full Confession
10:27 - 90 Days That Changed Everything
13:53 - God Behind Bars Partnership
16:00 - What People Get Wrong About Addiction
21:05 - Explanations Are Not Excuses
23:18 - Remove the Stigma From Rehab
25:29 - Hope Is Alive: Recovery Done Differently
31:01 - Finding Hope: Support Groups for Families
33:15 - You're Not Alone. It's Not Your Fault. There Is Hope.
40:21 - Plana Partnership
41:02 - Sobriety Is Your Superpower
43:49 - Recovery Is Not Just Sobriety — It's Identity
46:23 - Try the Drug Called Hope
47:54 - How to Call Hope Is Alive Right Now
49:25 - A Word to the Addict Listening
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to submit questions? Email us at [email protected]

In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura answer three listener questions that keep circling the same uncomfortable truth: good intentions are not the same as real work. And the people you love can feel the difference.
The first question comes from a couple on the other side of a hard season. They are doing well, on the same page, and they want to know what easy, non-heavy things actually help a marriage reconnect. Carl and Laura break down the Treasure Walk, a simple but intentional 20 minute practice that changed the way they communicate. The rule is straightforward. The other person is the treasure chest. Your only job is to find out what is in there. They also get into why fun is not optional during rebuilding seasons, why pickleball almost ended their marriage, and what it actually means to make your relationship a stated priority versus a real one.

The second question comes from a man who fought hard to save his marriage after his wife had an affair with someone in their own spiritual community. They divorced. She remarried. He is now engaged to someone incredible. And he is still carrying the weight of what he lost. His fiancee is asking whether he is fully healed. His honest answer is that he does not know. Carl walks him through what he calls the position switch, the difference between grieving what you cannot change and investing in what is right in front of you. Grief is a signal, not a home. And what you stop feeding will eventually stop running your life.
The third question is the one the whole episode builds toward. A woman who was betrayed and abused. She left, moved countries, committed to two full years of consistent therapy work and has seen real transformation in herself. Her husband followed. His effort has been on and off, starting and stopping therapy depending on his mood or who he is around. Now there is pressure to reconcile and move back in together, and she is being asked to treat his inconsistent effort as equivalent to hers. Carl is direct: the betrayer does not get to drive the car of the new chapter. He then reads, for the first time since receiving it, the letter his therapist wrote him after five years of showing up every single Tuesday night for two and a half hours. What consistency actually looks like in the long run. What it costs. And what it builds that nothing else can.

This episode is for anyone who has confused presence with progress, or mistaken tears and intentions for evidence.

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/

Supported by Wonder Project
https://www.amazon.com/gp/video/offers/ref=atv_3p_amz_c_CDvZ9m_1_1?benefitId=wonderprojectus
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.