Lights On with Carl Lentz

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Our book, Overcoming Infidelity, is OUT NOW: https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Overcoming-Infidelity/Carl-Lentz/9781668230497

"Is it really possible to overcome infidelity?" It's the question behind the title of our new book, and we hear it in some form every week. Today, on release day, we answer it live from Nashville, along with your questions about the book.

We talk about why we wrote it, what it is (and what it definitely isn't), and why we built it as ten conversations instead of a formula. Laura explains why sharing your story is one of the last parts of healing, and why the title says overcoming, not overcome. Carl answers the question people keep asking about what comes next, and he doesn't leave much room for interpretation.

Then we take on one of the most common questions we get from betrayed spouses: how do you stop replaying what happened and comparing yourself to the other woman? Laura shares what helped her, including the tools she still uses, and Carl explains the one thing a husband should never do when those replays hit. We also cover what to do when a husband says "you caused this," and what to do when a wife isn't making any progress in her own healing.

Stay for the alternate cover story, "overlords vs. trampolines" (a new way to think about triggers), why the two of us argued over who got to own a mistake, and what it means to be an oasis for a friend whose marriage is falling apart.

If you've been through infidelity, are in it right now, or love someone who is, this one is for you.

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com
Pre-order our book, Overcoming Infidelity, TODAY: https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Overcoming-Infidelity/Carl-Lentz/9781668230497

"How did you experience no guilt? Because you're a Jesus follower?" Last week a wife wrote in about a husband who uses grace to dodge accountability. This week she asks Carl the question directly, and he gives an answer most people won't expect.

We break down four words people treat as interchangeable: guilt, conviction, remorse, and condemnation. One keeps your head down. One lifts it. Carl shares the moment a therapist stopped him mid-story to point out he was still the hero of it, and why real forgiveness should push you toward the truth, not away from it.

Then we answer the question every betrayed spouse is asking: how do you know if someone has really changed? "I repented" is a sentence. Repentance leaves evidence. We walk through the 10 Receipts of Repentance we use in our own marriage, and Laura shares which receipt she still checks for today and how she uses it when a trigger hits.

Stay for "sorry is the handshake," the "go away and live small" myth about what repentance requires, the club analogy behind the name Lights On, and seven light switches for anyone whose faith has been turned against them.

If you've heard "I've repented" and you're still waiting to see anything change, this one is for you.

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com
Pre-order our book, Overcoming Infidelity, TODAY: https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Overcoming-Infidelity/Carl-Lentz/9781668230497

"He tells me he has no guilt, because there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." A wife married over 30 years wrote in with a question we hear far more often than people realize: what do you do when your spouse uses God, grace, and Scripture to avoid ever changing?

We read her letter in full and take it apart piece by piece. She describes a husband raised in a home where every night of harm was followed by "today is a new day," and she's watching that same pattern play out in her own marriage. We talk about why the language we use for repeated harm matters so much, and the one question you can ask a trusted friend to find out if you've been softening your own reality for years.

Then Carl takes on Romans 8 directly. What does "no condemnation" actually promise, and what does it absolutely not give anyone permission to do? Laura shares why it took her three years to say certain words to Carl, and what forgiveness should never produce in the person who was hurt.

Stay for the "coughing up blood" illustration about acclimating to dysfunction, the family system with a reset button but no repair button, Laura's breakdown of what forgiveness is not, and the one question that exposes what your theology is really producing.

If you've ever heard "God forgave me, why can't you?" from someone who never changed, this one is for you. And if you don't share our faith, swap in whatever you believe deeply. The pattern is the same.

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com
Every couple in recovery hits the same three walls at some point. The rage that won't quit. The suspicion that there's more to the story. And the impossible question of how to protect your kids from the fallout of a parent who isn't showing up. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura take on all three, pulled straight from the mailbag.
The first: how do you deal with the raw, uncontainable anger you feel toward the person your spouse cheated with? Carl gets honest about why misdirecting rage at the affair partner is one of the most common and most damaging traps a betrayed spouse can fall into, and why the person who actually broke the vow is always the right target for accountability. Laura walks through what to do with the intrusive thoughts that show up unannounced, and the difference between validating a feeling and getting stuck in it.
The second: is full disclosure actually necessary, or does bringing everything into the light just cause more pain? Carl and Laura make the case that nothing hidden can be healed, walk through what a real proper disclosure looks like, and get into why offering something like a polygraph isn't dramatic. It's the fastest way to remove the doubt that would otherwise haunt a marriage for years. Full disclosure isn't just for the person who broke it. It's for the person who needs to know they can finally exhale.
The third: what do you do when you're the parent trying to lead your kids through healing and the other parent isn't participating? Laura gets direct about building a healthy village around your kids without recruiting them into your anger, the three truths every mom of daughters should be teaching in a season like this, and why the greatest gift you can give your children isn't your commentary on their other parent. It's your own health.
Stay for the surgery analogy that will reframe how you think about partial versus full healing, the reminder that stacking new evidence doesn't require erasing the past, and the closer worth writing down: let their actions speak. Not your words.
Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/

Preorder our book, 'Overcoming Infidelity' TODAY: https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Overcoming-Infidelity/Carl-Lentz/9781668230497

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com
Some of the hardest questions in recovery aren't the big ones. They're the small, daily ones that couples get stuck on for years without ever asking out loud. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura take on two of them, both pulled straight from the mailbag, and get into the honest answers most couples never get.
The first: when does accountability start turning into policing, and how do you rebuild the muscle of trust without micromanaging every conversation? Carl walks through the "most gracious story" technique that changed how they approached daily check-ins, why proactive honesty is worth more than any answer given under interrogation, and how to handle the lose-lose questions every betrayed spouse eventually asks (like "do you find her attractive?"). Laura gets honest about the difference between her husband creating safety for her and her needing him to be her safety system, and where that line has to live for a marriage to actually heal.
The second: where do you actually get help? Carl walks through the road he took: on-site, rehab, group therapy, the relapse five months in, and the specialized help that finally started to move the needle. Laura shares her own road through betrayal trauma therapy, the red flags of a bad therapist, and why they skipped traditional couples counseling entirely for the first stretch of recovery. Both of them agree on one thing: it's the betrayer's job to find help. Not the betrayed spouse's.
Stay for the "am I doing anything currently?" question that reframes accountability entirely, the Vegas story that will make you laugh out loud, the reframe worth writing down (you can create safety, but you can't become her safety system), and the closer that anchors the whole episode: specialized help isn't optional. It's the difference between surviving this and healing from it.
Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/
Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.