Psychologists Off the Clock

Feeling loved sounds simple, but it is not something that just happens because someone cares about you.
In this episode of Psychologists Off the Clock, Yael talks with Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis about their book, How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most, and why it is possible to be loved but not actually feel loved.
They explore what really helps people feel cared for and understood in any kind of relationship, why stress or attachment patterns can get in the way, and how small mindset shifts like listening to learn or being willing to go first can make a big difference in how connected you feel.
It is less about following relationship rules and more about how you show up. Your curiosity, your openness, and your willingness to understand someone else and let yourself be understood too. If connection sometimes feels harder than it should, this episode is for you.

Listen and Learn:
How the happiness habits you already know, like gratitude or kindness, may actually work by strengthening a hidden relationship dynamic that makes people feel deeply understood and loved in everyday interactions
What are the key ingredients that quietly combine to make us feel truly loved and understood by others?
How feeling loved often depends less on what’s done for us and more on whether we truly feel seen, understood, and connected in the moment
How shifting your mindset in love can transform simple behaviors into deeper, more genuine connections that naturally grow intimacy
How showing up first in relationships can feel risky, but it often unlocks deeper connections in ways you might not expect
Why feeling loved isn’t just about what you receive, it’s about how you understand and respond to the love others are trying to give
Embracing the messy, multifaceted parts of yourself to completely change how you experience love and connection

Resources:
How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9780063426665
Sonja’s Website: https://sonjalyubomirsky.com
Card deck from Sojna’s recommendation: The And
https://howtofeelloved.com/
Connect with Sonja on Social Media:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/sonja-lyubomirsky-21283bb/
https://www.instagram.com/sonjalyubomirsky/
https://www.facebook.com/sonja.lyubomirsky

About Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis:
Sonja Lyubomirsky is a Distinguished Professor of Psychology at UC Riverside and the author of The How of Happiness and The Myths of Happiness. She's also a returning guest on Psychologists Off the Clock — you can catch her first appearance in episode 227.
Harry Reis is a Dean's Professor of Psychology at the University of Rochester and one of the most influential relationship scientists working today, known for foundational research on intimacy, responsiveness, and what makes people feel truly connected.
Together, they've written How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets that Get You More of What Matters Most — a book that reframes the question most of us have been asking wrong.

Related Episodes:
172. Performing Under Pressure with Sian Beilock
227. The Science of Happy with Sonja Lyubomirsky
413. Validate with Caroline Fleck
422. Mindwise with Nicholas Epley

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Oversharing has a bad reputation. But what if revealing more about yourself is actually the fastest way to build trust?
To give us insight into the psychology behind oversharing — when it builds connection and when it backfires — we’re joined by behavioral scientist and author of Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing, Leslie John.
Leslie guides us through the surprising benefits of self-disclosure, exploring how revealing personal information can strengthen social bonds and increase trust.
She also shares research on how disclosure impacts relationships, workplace dynamics, and even physiological stress, and explains how to find the “Goldilocks zone” where sharing is just right, without overburdening others.

Listen and Learn:
How sharing something a little uncomfortable can instantly build trust and make people like and choose you even more than someone who keeps everything private
Why the instant regret after saying something vulnerable makes us play it safe, while the real price of not opening up shows up later in missed connection we never even realize we lost
How sharing just a little more than usual in conversations can create connection and prompt others to open up with you
Asking deeper, slightly risky questions to turn awkward small talk into real connection and reveal surprising ways people bond
Recognizing when sharing with a friend is helping or hurting your relationship and the surprising way your closest friendships reveal your emotional limits
How sharing small vulnerabilities at work can actually boost trust and credibility without crossing professional boundaries
How encouraging young kids to show their feelings now could help them handle stress later and navigate tricky social pressures as they grow
Sharing personal stories to light up your brain’s pleasure centers, and why that might be more rewarding than you think

Resources:
Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9780593545386
Leslie’s Website: https://www.lesliekjohn.com
Connect with Leslie on Social Media:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/leslie-john-75928721
https://www.instagram.com/proflesliejohn/
https://x.com/lesliekjohn?lang=en

About Leslie John
Leslie John is the James E. Burke Professor of Business Administration at the Harvard Business School. Her award-winning research appears in top academic journals and media, including The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and The Economist. A Canadian-born, internationally trained ballet dancer, she now calls Boston home

Related Episodes:
422. Mindwise with Nicholas Epley
360. The Laws of Connection with David Robson
374. Developing and Deepening Connections with Adam ...
393. Supercommunicators with Charles Duhigg
408. Connecting Like a Hostage Negotiator with Gary ...

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If you struggle with people-pleasing and losing yourself in relationships, this episode with Ingrid Clayton, a licensed clinical psychologist and expert in relational trauma, about her book Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves and How to Find Our Way Back, is a conversation that can help you understand and transform patterns holding you back.
Exploring fawning, which is a lesser-known trauma response shaped by caretaking, appeasement, and self-abandonment, you’ll learn how it often shows up as anxiety and hypervigilance.
And, through personal and client stories, you’ll gain insights on reclaiming authenticity, navigating backlash, and starting the process of “unfawning.”

Listen and Learn:
Why do some people cope with relational trauma by becoming overly accommodating or pleasing?
How people-pleasing might actually be your nervous system choosing safety in ways that once protected you, but could now be quietly shaping your identity and relationships without you realizing it, and what it actually takes to reconnect with who you are
How chronic fawning can look like emotional strength on the outside while quietly disconnecting you from your own anxiety and body
How what looks like dishonesty can actually be a survival response that once kept you safe, and what it takes to notice when it starts keeping you stuck
How tuning into what you notice in your body can be the first uncomfortable but powerful step to breaking people-pleasing patterns and building more authentic relationships
Why red flags can feel like home after emotional abuse and how learning to trust your own resentment might be the first step toward building a truly safe relationship

Resources:
Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves and How to Find Our Way Back https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9798217045327
Ingrid’s Website: https://www.ingridclayton.com/
Connect with Ingrid on Social Media:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ingridclaytonphd
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/IngridClaytonPhD
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/ingridclaytonphd/
Substack: https://substack.com/@ingridclaytonphd
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3PvWTgJMirURfgHWj3h28g

About Ingrid Clayton
Dr. Ingrid Clayton is a licensed clinical psychologist with a master’s in transpersonal psychology and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. She’s had a thriving private practice for more than sixteen years and is a regular contributor to Psychology Today, where her blog “Emotional Sobriety” has had more than a million views. She lives in Los Angeles, California.
Book: Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves--and How to Find Our Way Back: https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9798217045327

Related Episodes:
305. The Power of Saying No with Vanessa Patrick
186. Set Boundaries Find Peace with Nedra Tawwab
276. Assertive Communication Skills with Randy Paterson
308. Identifying and Surviving Gaslighting with Robin Stern
263. Relationships with Emotionally Immature People with Lindsay Gibson
383. What My Bones Know: C-PTSD with Stephanie Foo
417. Busting Trauma Treatment Myths with Emi Nietfeld
416. Trauma and PTSD Treatment with Robyn Walser

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Behind the scenes of everyday family life is a mental workload many of us carry without even realizing it, and that’s exactly what Debbie Sorensen explores in her interview with sociologist Allison Daminger about her book, What's on Her Mind: The Mental Workload of Family Life.

Allison defines cognitive labor as the invisible work of managing family needs and obligations, and walks us through its importance for individual well-being and relationship satisfaction.

The discussion also touches on how these tasks are often unrecognized in statistics, the gender dynamics in cognitive labor, and the implications for families and workplaces.

You’ll also get a look at insights from her research involving both different-sex and same-sex couples, and she suggests ways to address gender imbalances through individual, cultural, and systemic changes.

Listen and Learn:
How cognitive household labor silently shapes family life
How mental load secretly drains energy in daily life and why the invisible tasks of keeping a household running can be more exhausting than anyone realizes
Why the small, everyday decisions parents make reveal hidden patterns in family life that most people never notice
Why women often carry the mental load at home even when they out-earn or out-work their partners
How couples explain unequal household labor reveals that what seems like personality differences is actually shaped by deeply ingrained social and cultural expectations around gender
The surprising ways “superhuman” and “bumbler” roles shape relationships and what small changes can help partners share the load more freely
Insights from same-sex couples on sharing mental load and the lessons they offer for balancing household responsibilities

Resources:
What's on Her Mind: The Mental Workload of Family Life https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9780691245386
Allison’s Website: https://www.allisondaminger.com/
Allison’s Substack: https://allisondaminger.substack.com/
Connect with Allison on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/allisondaminger/

About Allison Daminger
Allison Daminger is an assistant professor of sociology at UW-Madison and the author of the new book What's on Her Mind: The Mental Workload of Family Life. Daminger's research is focused on how and why gender shapes family dynamics, particularly the division of work and power in couples. Her award-winning scholarship has been published in top academic journals and featured in outlets including The Atlantic, The New York Times, and Psychology Today. Daminger holds a Ph.D. in Sociology and Social Policy from Harvard University and lives with her family in Madison, Wisconsin.

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386. Parents Are Stressed: What Do We Do About It? with Emily, Debbie, and our dear friend Yael Schonbrun
306. Screaming on the Inside: The Challenges of American Motherhood with Jessica Grose
146. Parental Burnout with Lisa Coyne
441. Having It All with Corinne Low
137. The Complexities of Motherhood with Daphne de Marneffe
104. You’re Doing It Wrong with Bethany Johnson and Margaret Quinlan
33. Couples with Young Children: Relationship Challenges and Strategies with Yael Schonbrun


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Caregiving is often framed as a burden, but what if it’s also one of the most meaningful ways we come to know ourselves?
Emily sits down with acclaimed journalist and cultural critic Elissa Strauss for this episode to discuss her extensive work on the politics and culture of parenting and caregiving, which has appeared in publications like The Atlantic and The New York Times.
Centering on her new book, When You Care: The Unexpected Magic of Caring for Others, they challenge feminist notions that have undervalued caregiving and explore how caregiving can enrich one's sense of self.
You’ll hear about the philosophical foundations of care ethics and how caregiving for various dependents, not just children, brings profound personal growth, scientific research on caregiver well-being, the importance of male caregivers, and also the need for systemic support for caregivers.

Listen and Learn:
How redefining caregiving, not as a burden, but as a powerful source of meaning and self-expansion, might change what we think feminism, motherhood, and what a “full” life actually look like
How caregiving across parenting, disability, and aging becomes an intense, surprising mirror that reshapes identity and meaning in ways most of us never expect
The research that shows why caregiving doesn’t have to wear you down, and under certain conditions, it can actually make you healthier and even help you live longer
How one husband turned the challenges of caregiving into moments of quiet activism, love, and connection
How does caring for others bring meaning, even when day-to-day life feels messy?
What if the real barrier for working caregivers isn’t just the glass ceiling but the glass door separating home and work, and how breaking it could change everything we value about care?
Why men’s brains change when they care for others, how caregiving reshapes masculinity, and what it really means for dads today
Why caring for those closest to us isn’t just personal—it’s a radical philosophical lens that could change how we think about society itself

Resources:
When You Care: The Unexpected Magic of Caring for Others https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9781982169282
Elisa’s Website: https://www.elissastrauss.com/
Elisa’s Substack: https://elissa.substack.com/
Connect with Elisa on Social Media:
https://www.facebook.com/elissa.strauss.7/
https://www.instagram.com/elissaavery/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/elissa-strauss-742720112

About Elissa Strauss
Elissa Strauss is a journalist, essayist, and cultural critic who has been writing about the politics and culture of parenting and caregiving for more than fifteen years. Her work appears in publications like the Atlantic, the New York Times, Glamour, ELLE, and elsewhere, and she was a former contributing writer at CNN.com and Slate. Her book, "When You Care: The Unexpected Magic of Caring for Others," is out now from Gallery Books, and she writes a Substack called "MADE WITH CARE."

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354. A Family Guide to Dementia with Brent Forester
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See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.