Psychologists Off the Clock

If you’ve ever ended an argument with your partner, coworker, or family member feeling confused about how it escalated so quickly, this episode is for you.
Julia Minson, founder of the Constructive Disagreement Lab and author of How to Disagree Better, explains to us why trying to “win” arguments often starts fights and offers a different metric for success: a disagreement that increases both people’s willingness to talk again.
Drawing on her work on naive realism and research on receptiveness, she discusses why differences feel threatening, how listening is hard to perceive in conflict, and how language can signal receptivity using the HEAR framework. Listen in to learn evidence-based tools to make hard conversations in your life more constructive.

Listen and Learn:
Julia’s upbringing in a family of psychologists, her immigrant experience, and her years as a ballroom dancer, and why people can share the same moment yet see it completely differently, making disagreement inevitable
Why a truly constructive disagreement isn’t about “winning” or changing minds, but about improving mutual willingness to continue the conversation and deepening understanding
Naive realism and the tendency to assume our perceptions are objectively correct, which underlies everyday conflicts, because everyone thinks “I get it” and struggles to see others’ perspectives
How true receptiveness works, not just thinking receptively, but expressing it clearly through language so others genuinely feel heard, especially in conflict or disagreement
How to use the HEAR framework to communicate receptively and build stronger relationships
Julia’s Hawk story and how approaching disagreements with curiosity rather than judgment can turn tense or potentially divisive moments into understanding, connection, and even common ground

Resources:
How to Disagree Better: https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9780593855003
Julia’s Websites: https://disagreeingbetter.com/ and https://www.juliaminson.com/
Connect with Julia on Social Media:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/julia-minson-5b511b150/
https://twitter.com/juliaminson
Take The Measure of Receptivity:https://receptiveness.net/survey.html

About Julia Minson:
Julia Minson is a professor of public policy at Harvard Kennedy School and founder of the Constructive Disagreement Lab, where she studies what she calls the "psychology of disagreement" — how we actually engage with views that conflict with our own, especially on the hot-button stuff: politics, values, health decisions.
Her new book, How to Disagree Better, starts from a counterintuitive premise: we're drowning in advice on how to win arguments, but Julia's research shows that trying to win is basically a guaranteed way to start a fight. Her work offers evidence-based strategies for being genuinely receptive to opposing views, which turns out to be far more effective than perfecting your persuasion game.

Related Episodes:
276. Assertive Communication Skills with Randy Paterson
281. Belonging Uncertainty and Bridging Divides with Geoffrey Cohen
371. Uniting Toward a Better Future with Diana McLain Smith
392. Outraged with Kurt Gray
403. Conflict Resilience with Bob Bordone and Joel Salinas

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Overwhelm can push us to a point where the tools we normally rely on suddenly feel out of reach.
In this episode, clinical psychologist and burnout expert Kerry Makin-Byrd discusses her book Start Here: A Practical Guide for the Overwhelmed, created as a simple, step-by-step guide for moments when thinking clearly feels difficult. She explains overwhelm as being outside the “window of tolerance,” when the nervous system moves into overarousal or shutdown, and everyday functioning, like sleep, mood, and decision-making, can be disrupted.
Kerry introduces a three-part approach called Soothe, Transcend, Move. The idea is to regulate the body first, then shift perspective with self-compassion, and finally focus on one small action that aligns with your values.

Listen and Learn:
Kerry’s simple illustrated guide for turning overwhelming stress into clear, actionable steps you can actually use in the moment
How overwhelm shows up in your body and mind can look completely different from others and might be quietly sabotaging your focus and energy
Practicing small daily skills to train your mind to handle stress more quickly and effortlessly under pressure
How you can instantly calm your body and unlock clearer thinking using a surprising science-based “chill out” practice from the first step of a three-part emotional regulation system
How Kerr’s three-step approach can help you calm your body, shift perspective, and navigate stress more effectively
Reflective support to overcome burnout and compassion fatigue in helping professions

Resources:
Start Here: A Practical Guide for the Overwhelmed: https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9781408783221
Kerry’s Website: https://www.drkerrymakinbyrd.com/
Subscribe for twice-a-month field notes on overwhelm, burnout, and compassion to help you care for yourself and others: https://www.drkerrymakinbyrd.com/contact/#/portal/
Kerr’s Podcast, Start Here for Helpers — with Dr Kerry Makin-Byrd: https://starthereforhelpers.substack.com/?ref=drkerrymakinbyrd.com
Connect with Kerry on Social Media:
https://www.instagram.com/drkerrymb
https://www.linkedin.com/in/kerry-makin-byrd-phd
https://www.facebook.com/DrKerryMakinByrd/
https://www.youtube.com/@drkerrymb

About Kerry Makin-Byrd
Dr. Kerry Makin-Byrd is a clinical psychologist and noted burnout and well-being expert who translates science into practical non-fiction. An alum of Penn State, UC San Francisco, and the Palo Alto VA Health Care System/Stanford School of Medicine (affiliated), she was honoured with the Veterans Health Administration’s Special Contribution Award for nationally impactful policy work and clinical teaching. A burnout survivor herself, Dr. Kerry is the author of the memoir The Ballad of Burnout. Based in Wellington, New Zealand, she divides her time between writing, providing trauma therapy, and mentoring doctors and therapists. Her favorite types of rest are cold swims with her family and cackling with friends.

Related Episodes:
153. Healthcare Professional Wellbeing Abbie Beacham, Kerry Makin-Byrd, and Bernard Chang (Part 1)
154. Healthcare Professional Wellbeing with Abbie Beacham, Kerry Makin-Byrd, and Bernard Chang (Part 2)
338. ACT for Burnout with Debbie
177. Mind-Body Practices for Stress and Overwhelm with Rebekkah LaDyne
75. Mindful Self-Compassion with Christopher Germer
199. Belonging From the Inside Out with Meg McKelvie
211. Subtract with Leidy Klotz
73. Essentialism with Greg McKeown

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Weight feels like one of those topics everyone has an opinion on, yet it’s deeply personal for each of us. So, for this episode, Emily and Jill take the opportunity to dig into what it’s like to navigate body changes in a world full of strong opinions, from the rise of GLP-1 medications to the stigma that can come with medical or surgical interventions.
Jill opens up about her own journey with weight, body image, and ultimately deciding to have gastric bypass surgery, including what’s shifted for her since, physically, emotionally, and socially.
They also talk about the judgment people can face, how conversations about health often get reduced to discipline or willpower, and also zoom out to explore the bigger cultural messages about bodies and how therapists can support clients in talking about weight in ways that move beyond shame or “fixing.”

Listen and Learn:
Why shame, Yo-yo dieting, and a surprising therapy session insight led Jill to discover a life-changing path that transformed her health, mindset, and relationship with exercise
Why the idea that weight loss tools are “cheating” reveals deeper cultural biases about bodies, health, and who gets judged for the choices they make
How constant pressure on women’s bodies may actually distract from power, health, and autonomy in ways most people never question
Focusing on values instead of weight loss goals to help you stop postponing the life you want to live
How changing your relationship with cravings and “food noise” through psychological flexibility can make long-term weight loss maintenance more possible

Resources:
Jill’s Website: https://jillstoddard.com
Connect with Jill on Social Media
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCNDJ6pR5PVGZSSzRFc556QA
https://www.linkedin.com/in/jillstoddardphd/

About Jill Stoddard
Jill Stoddard is passionate about sharing science-backed ideas from psychology to help people thrive. She is a psychologist, writer, TEDx speaker, award-winning teacher, peer-reviewed ACT trainer, bariatric coach, and co-host of the popular Psychologists Off the Clock podcast. Dr. Stoddard is the founder and director of The Center for Stress and Anxiety Management, an outpatient practice specializing in evidence-based therapies for anxiety and related issues. She is the author of three books: The Big Book of ACT Metaphors: A Practitioner’s Guide to Experiential Exercises and Metaphors in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy; Be Mighty: A Woman’s Guide to Liberation from Anxiety, Worry, and Stress Using Mindfulness and Acceptance; and Imposter No More: Overcome Self-doubt and Imposterism to Cultivate a Successful Career. Her writing has also appeared in The Washington Post, Psychology Today, Scary Mommy, Thrive Global, The Good Men Project, and Mindful Return. She regularly appears on podcasts and as an expert source for various media outlets. She lives in Newburyport, MA with her husband, two kids, and disobedient French Bulldog.

Related Episodes:
348. Sustainable Exercise with Michelle Segar
326. Weight Stigma and Body Image with Sarah Pegrum
264. Raising Intuitive Eaters with Sumner Brooks and Amee Severson
231. Eating Skills and Emotional Eating with Josh Hillis
151. Intuitive Eating with Evelyn Tribole
93. Effective Weight Loss with Evan Forman
77. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy with Jill Stoddard
36. Weight Loss Strategies From Acceptance and Commitment Therapy with Jason Lillis

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Feeling loved sounds simple, but it is not something that just happens because someone cares about you.
In this episode of Psychologists Off the Clock, Yael talks with Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis about their book, How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most, and why it is possible to be loved but not actually feel loved.
They explore what really helps people feel cared for and understood in any kind of relationship, why stress or attachment patterns can get in the way, and how small mindset shifts like listening to learn or being willing to go first can make a big difference in how connected you feel.
It is less about following relationship rules and more about how you show up. Your curiosity, your openness, and your willingness to understand someone else and let yourself be understood too. If connection sometimes feels harder than it should, this episode is for you.

Listen and Learn:
How the happiness habits you already know, like gratitude or kindness, may actually work by strengthening a hidden relationship dynamic that makes people feel deeply understood and loved in everyday interactions
What are the key ingredients that quietly combine to make us feel truly loved and understood by others?
How feeling loved often depends less on what’s done for us and more on whether we truly feel seen, understood, and connected in the moment
How shifting your mindset in love can transform simple behaviors into deeper, more genuine connections that naturally grow intimacy
How showing up first in relationships can feel risky, but it often unlocks deeper connections in ways you might not expect
Why feeling loved isn’t just about what you receive, it’s about how you understand and respond to the love others are trying to give
Embracing the messy, multifaceted parts of yourself to completely change how you experience love and connection

Resources:
How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9780063426665
Sonja’s Website: https://sonjalyubomirsky.com
Card deck from Sojna’s recommendation: The And
https://howtofeelloved.com/
Connect with Sonja on Social Media:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/sonja-lyubomirsky-21283bb/
https://www.instagram.com/sonjalyubomirsky/
https://www.facebook.com/sonja.lyubomirsky

About Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis:
Sonja Lyubomirsky is a Distinguished Professor of Psychology at UC Riverside and the author of The How of Happiness and The Myths of Happiness. She's also a returning guest on Psychologists Off the Clock — you can catch her first appearance in episode 227.
Harry Reis is a Dean's Professor of Psychology at the University of Rochester and one of the most influential relationship scientists working today, known for foundational research on intimacy, responsiveness, and what makes people feel truly connected.
Together, they've written How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets that Get You More of What Matters Most — a book that reframes the question most of us have been asking wrong.

Related Episodes:
172. Performing Under Pressure with Sian Beilock
227. The Science of Happy with Sonja Lyubomirsky
413. Validate with Caroline Fleck
422. Mindwise with Nicholas Epley

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Oversharing has a bad reputation. But what if revealing more about yourself is actually the fastest way to build trust?
To give us insight into the psychology behind oversharing — when it builds connection and when it backfires — we’re joined by behavioral scientist and author of Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing, Leslie John.
Leslie guides us through the surprising benefits of self-disclosure, exploring how revealing personal information can strengthen social bonds and increase trust.
She also shares research on how disclosure impacts relationships, workplace dynamics, and even physiological stress, and explains how to find the “Goldilocks zone” where sharing is just right, without overburdening others.

Listen and Learn:
How sharing something a little uncomfortable can instantly build trust and make people like and choose you even more than someone who keeps everything private
Why the instant regret after saying something vulnerable makes us play it safe, while the real price of not opening up shows up later in missed connection we never even realize we lost
How sharing just a little more than usual in conversations can create connection and prompt others to open up with you
Asking deeper, slightly risky questions to turn awkward small talk into real connection and reveal surprising ways people bond
Recognizing when sharing with a friend is helping or hurting your relationship and the surprising way your closest friendships reveal your emotional limits
How sharing small vulnerabilities at work can actually boost trust and credibility without crossing professional boundaries
How encouraging young kids to show their feelings now could help them handle stress later and navigate tricky social pressures as they grow
Sharing personal stories to light up your brain’s pleasure centers, and why that might be more rewarding than you think

Resources:
Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9780593545386
Leslie’s Website: https://www.lesliekjohn.com
Connect with Leslie on Social Media:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/leslie-john-75928721
https://www.instagram.com/proflesliejohn/
https://x.com/lesliekjohn?lang=en

About Leslie John
Leslie John is the James E. Burke Professor of Business Administration at the Harvard Business School. Her award-winning research appears in top academic journals and media, including The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and The Economist. A Canadian-born, internationally trained ballet dancer, she now calls Boston home

Related Episodes:
422. Mindwise with Nicholas Epley
360. The Laws of Connection with David Robson
374. Developing and Deepening Connections with Adam ...
393. Supercommunicators with Charles Duhigg
408. Connecting Like a Hostage Negotiator with Gary ...

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