The Autism Mom Coach

Feeling like a failure as an autism mom can become the default when you are constantly measuring yourself against impossible standards. In this episode of The Autism Mom Coach, Lisa breaks down how those expectations get created, why they keep you feeling like you are always coming up short, and how to replace them with standards that actually make sense for the life you are living.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to catch the unrealistic “should” expectations that make every hard day feel like evidence you are doing something wrong.
How to set expectations around what you can actually control instead of your child’s behavior, progress, emotions, or outcomes.
How to make your expectations specific and achievable so you have something useful to work toward instead of another impossible standard to miss.

Autism parenting gives you plenty of opportunities to judge yourself. This episode gives you a better way to measure your effort, your progress, and the way you want to show up for your child.

If you have ever stood in the doorway wondering whether your child is spending too much time gaming, this conversation is for you.
This week I am joined by Andrew Fishman, a licensed clinical social worker who has spent more than a decade working with autistic kids and teens and is the author of Parenting a Gamer. We talk about why autistic kids and teens with autism are drawn to video games at nearly twice the rate of their peers, what those games actually provide that the real world often does not, and how to tell the difference between a healthy hobby and a genuine problem. Andrew also shares practical strategies for making the hardest part of gaming, the moment it is time to turn it off, go more smoothly for both of you.
In this episode, you'll learn:
Why autistic kids play video games at almost twice the rate of allistic kids, and why that is not automatically a bad thing;
What video games offer that the real world often does not: predictability, fairness, and a social space free of eye contact and unspoken rules;
Why the transition from a preferred activity to a non-preferred one triggers so many autism meltdowns, and a simple planning shift (like the "no new game after 8:30" rule) that reduces the conflict;
The two signs Andrew looks for when assessing whether a child's gaming has become a genuine problem, as opposed to a hobby that looks intense from the outside; and
How to build respect for your child's gaming world, even if you do not understand it yourself, and how to use what hooks them there as a bridge into new interests like art, music, or coding.

Resources mentioned:
Parenting a Gamer: Help Your Child Build Healthy Habits, Make Positive Choices, and Find Balance in Virtual Worlds.
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Back-to-school season can bring up a relentless stream of what-if questions for autism moms. In this episode of The Autism Mom Coach, Lisa Candera takes five of the most common back-to-school fears and shows autism moms how to turn them into concrete plans instead of repeatedly running them through their heads.
In this episoYou are listening to episode 212 of The Autism Mom Coach, the final episode in the back-to-school series. Last week I gave you a protocol for answering your what-if questions ahead of time. Today I am running it through the five questions I hear from autism moms more than any others.
Hello everyone, and welcome back. I am so glad you are here.
In this week's episode, we are going to apply the five-step protocol I use for answering what-if questions to the most common what-if questions I hear from autism moms leading up to a new school year.
If you missed last week's episode, I highly recommend you go back and listen, because that is where I lay out the protocol in detail and how it works. Either way, here is a quick recap.
Step one is to clearly define the problem.
Step two is to rate how likely it is and how big a problem it would really be.
Step three is to determine your options, and to brainstorm at least five.
Step four is to decide what you will do right now.
Step five is to create a what-if action plan you can follow if the what-if actually happens.
Now we are going to take those five steps and apply them to the five most common questions I hear from autism moms leading up to the school year.
What if my child gets a teacher or aide who doesn't understand them?
This one comes from a client whose daughter was heading into third grade. There were two possible teachers. My client was hoping her daughter would land with the young, bubbly, brand-new teacher she pictured being a patient, gentle fit. Instead, her daughter was assigned the other one — the senior teacher, a lot of experience, a strong reputation, but more reserved and less obviously warm. And my client spiraled.
So let's define it. What does "doesn't understand them" actually mean? When she drilled down, it was this. The teacher won't have real experience with autism. She'll misread my daughter's behaviors as rude. She'll mistake avoidance for disrespect. And she'll end up ignoring or punishing my daughter for things my daughter cannot help.
Now rate it. How likely is it? Honestly, we just don't know. But generally speaking, I think the answer is likely. It is likely that our kids will encounter teachers and support team members who don't just get them. Let's face it, at times we barely get our own kids. It's a moving target.
Then rate how big a problem it would be if this teacher and your child really are oil and water, because that does happen. So ask it plainly. Will this one relationship make or break the entire school year? How much of the day does my child actually spend one-on-one with this person? And would my child benefit, even a little, from learning to work with a style that is not the one I would have chosen for her? Sometimes the answer to that last one is yes, and it changes how tightly you hold the fear.
Next, decide your options — all of them, no matter how likely you are to actually use them. You could request a swap. You could reach out to the teacher before school starts. You could set up a meet-and-greet. You could give the teacher a one-page overview of your child, covering what works, what doesn't, and what to expect. You could take your concerns to the case manager. You could ask other parents who have had this teacher for the specific, on-the-ground picture. You could wait and see. Or you could request an emergency IEP meeting.
Then decide what to do right now. For this situation, my client decided to be proactive about building a relationship with the new teacher. She reached out before school started, arranged a meet-and-greet, and prepared a one-page overview of her daughter. She also reached out to the case manager — not to complain, but just to put it on her radar.
And then the if-then. If she gets calls or emails from the teacher about her daughter's behavior, or if her daughter reports difficulty with the teacher, then she will request a meeting, gather more information, propose strategies, and bring it up at the IEP, or request an IEP meeting if she needs one.
What if the school calls me about behaviors?
One of my clients got a call last year because her fourth grader cleared the classroom after learning, mid-morning, that the day's schedule had changed. She is now terrified it is going to happen again this year.
So let's define it. The specific fear is that the school will call home to report a behavior — disrupting the classroom, hitting, yelling, eloping, shutting down, or refusing to work.
Now rate it. How likely is it? For her child, given last year, a call at some point this year is possible. But I would not put it in the very likely bucket. The classroom-clearing was tied to a specific trigger, her participation in the G&E program, and she is not in that program this year.
Then, how big a problem is a call about your child having a behavioral disruption? For this client, we actually talked about how the disruption the previous year was helpful, in a way. It was the first time her child visibly struggled in the school setting. And unfortunately, a lot of the time, if they don't see it, they don't do anything about it. If they don't see it, they don't believe the child is struggling, which we know is not the case for our kids with autism, especially the ones who are really good at masking. So sure, getting interrupted in the middle of the work day to unravel a meltdown is not pleasant. But on a scale from one to ten, it's about a five.
Next, your options. You could educate the teacher about your child's behaviors and the responses that actually work. You could set up a protocol for phone calls, so home only gets called in a genuine emergency. You could ask questions when they call — what happened, what has already been done, and how your child is doing right now. You could pick your child up. You could designate another family member to handle pickup. You could talk to your supervisor or colleagues at work about the possibility. And you could look into FMLA.
What can you do right now? The meet-and-greet, the one-page overview, and a protocol for calls home.
And the if-then. When the school calls, you listen, you ask your questions, and you find out where your child is at in that moment. You do not volunteer to pick up if your child has already regulated. And you schedule a follow-up conversation with the teacher and the team.
What if the school doesn't follow the IEP?
Here is the scenario. Your child's IEP requires that test and quiz questions be read out loud to her by a teacher or an aide. And it is simply not happening.
So let's define it as specifically as possible. The teacher is not reading the quiz and test questions out loud.
Now rate it. How likely is it? Likely. And how big a problem is it? Big. It is a written accommodation your child is entitled to, and she is not getting it.
Next, your options, roughly in order of escalation. You could send a reminder to the teacher and the case manager. You could provide them with a copy of the IEP. You could request an emergency IEP meeting. You could bring in an advocate. And if it comes to it, you could bring in a special-education attorney. You want to know the whole ladder exists, even if you never climb past the first rung.
What you do right now is the first rung. You email the team, you remind them of the requirement in plain terms, and you attach the IEP so there is no ambiguity about what was agreed to.
And your if-then, for if the accommodation still is not being provided after that. Then I document every failure — the dates, the tests, and what happened. I report it to the team in writing. I request an emergency IEP meeting. And before that meeting, I send a parent concern letter that memorializes my concerns and my specific requests, so that everything is on the record before we are ever in the room.
I want to say one thing here, because it is the through-line of that whole plan. Every step is written down. Documentation is not you being difficult. It is you being clear. And it is the thing that turns "they keep not doing it" into something the team has to answer for.
What if my child resists going to school?
So let's define it. Your child protests, complains, and drags out getting into the car or onto the bus in the morning.
Now rate it. How likely is it? Likely. And how big a problem is it? On a scale of one to ten, for this family, it was about a six.
Next, your options. You could simply expect it, so it doesn't blindside you. You could ride it out. You could preview the morning with the school so they know what you're walking in with. You could build a predictable morning routine. You could build room for a delay into that routine. You could set up an incentive or reward plan. And you could look into therapy if the resistance runs deeper than a rough morning.
What do you do right now? You build the plan and the routine, and you build extra time into it so a slow start doesn't turn into a crisis.
And the if-then. When the resistance shows up, you stay calm, you offer reassurance, and you talk to the school.
What if my child is perfect at school, then explodes at home?
So let's define it. The fear is that your child masks all day at school, holds it together for seven hours, and then flips out the moment they get home. That your afternoons and evenings

Back-to-school season floods an autism parent's mind with "what if" questions that hijack sleep. What if he refuses to go to school, what if he gets aggressive, what if I have to call 911, what if he gets kicked out of the new placement too. I have lived that spin, and here is what it taught me: a "what if" is not a question you are trying to answer. It is anticipatory anxiety on a loop, and your body cannot tell the difference between the catastrophe you imagine and one that is real, so you pay the stress cost over and over before anything happens.
This episode is the countermove. It is the five-step protocol I built to turn a vague catastrophic "what if" into a specific problem you can plan for, so you make your decisions ahead of time from a grounded state instead of in the panic of the moment.
In this episode, you'll learn:
Why "what if" questions and back-to-school anxiety keep autism parents stuck in a fight-or-flight loop instead of moving toward a solution.
Why making decisions ahead of time, from a calm state, leaves you better equipped for school refusal, morning meltdowns, calls from the school, IEP disagreements, and the after-school collapse.
Why the five-step protocol, define the concern, rate it, list your options, decide what you can do now, and write an if-then plan, turns catastrophizing into a plan you can use.

Email Lisa your If, then statements: Lisa@theautismmomcoach.com

As the new school year approaches, most autism parents focus on the tactical preparation: reviewing the IEP, adjusting sleep schedules, and buying school supplies. Those steps matter, but they are only half of what you need. In this first episode of the Back to School series, Lisa talks about the other half (preparing yourself) and the mindset that shapes how much energy you carry into every IEP meeting, every phone call from school, and every decision you make this year.
In this episode, you'll learn
Why tactical preparation is only half of what you need before the school year begins, and why the mindset you bring to it matters just as much.
How bracing yourself for everything that could go wrong keeps your nervous system stuck in fear and drains the energy you will need once the year is actually underway.
The three mindset shifts (moving from bracing to acceptance, moving from fear to focus, and then practicing both again and again) that help you move through the school year with more resilience.