How to Spot and Leave a Narcissist Friend ( Without the Guilt )
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🎧 Related Episodes You’ll Love:
The Grey Rock Method: How to Deal With a Narcissist
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-grey-rock-method-how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist/id1662241353?i=1000648879776
Finding True Friendship as an Adult
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-19-finding-true-friendship-as-an-adult/id1662241353?i=1000608356800
Filling Your Friendship Cup After Narcissistic Abuse
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-20-filling-your-friendship-cup-after-narcissistic-abuse/id1662241353?i=1000608950715
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear. Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry ice and had a come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up.
(01:00)
Friendships feel safe, or at least they should, right? They're supposed to be the soft place to land, but when your friend is a narcissist, that soft place can turn into a minefield. It's confusing because there's no romance, no shared bills, no legal ties. I mean, sometimes there can be shared bills if you're living with them, but in general, it's not as enmeshed as a romantic partner or lifelong partner that you're married to. So you think, shouldn't it be easier to leave? But not always. You've got shared history, the inside jokes, mutual friends is a big one, and narcissists love to weaponize all of that to keep you stuck, right? We talk about that sticky spider web. They keep you in. They're really good at keeping you in the sticky web. So let's talk first how to spot a narcissist friend. So there aren't just friends.
(02:04)
These aren't friends with bad days or just quirks, right? These are patterns. You're looking for patterns. So what kind of patterns? One, it's always about them. Even your big moments, they redirect the spotlight somehow back to them, right? Another one. Number two, one sided emotional labor. So maybe you are their therapist, their cheerleader, their 3:00 AM crisis hotline, but maybe they're not as there for you. Maybe when you're reaching out, they nowhere to be found, right? That's a big no. The other thing is subtle digs and jealousy. This is the third backhanded compliments, undermining your wins or straight up competing with you, right? Little jealous comments. Number four, boundary blindness. So they will blow up your phone till no one. They will say, oh, it's an emergency. Maybe when it's not really quite an emergency, they will ignore your no, or just show up uninvited because that's what they want to do.
(03:21)
Even sometimes after they've asked you and you've said no, right? So they're not really good at boundaries. Alright? Number five, the guilt trip. Queen or king, if it's a guy, friend of yours, this one is huge, okay? The guilt tripping, and they may make it jokey, they may make it subtle, but if you cancel plans or you do set boundaries, set limits in your relationship, you are the bad friend. And I had this happen to me. I asked one of my friends to please stop yelling at me that we were grown adults and I wasn't going to tolerate that and it wasn't handled well. So when you set boundaries and they go like, no, this either. This is just how I am. Deal with it, which is a response I got, or even twisting it and deflecting and turning it onto you, or you're being sensitive or whatever.
(04:22)
I'm not yelling. Look, bitch, I know what yelling is. Okay? All right. So why does it feel so hard to leave these relationships? It's not just the friendship. You are grieving when you are deciding to or going, no contact, cutting someone off, whatever you want to call it. It's this shared identity that you have, especially if this is someone you've been friends with for decades or new, just really got close quick. It's a newer friend, but you just felt like soul soulmates, which can happen with a narcissist because they can make you feel like the queen of prom, but then that's how they get you in, and then they chew you up and they spit you out, chew up, spit you out, chew you up, spit you out, right? So this person though, they know your past, they know your secrets, your deep feelings, any vulnerabilities you've shown, they know that, right?
(05:22)
And narcissist specifically can build a false sense of sisterhood. So you feel like you owe them loyalty no matter what, even at your own expense, which is a no right? Loyalty. Look, I'm Italian. I love some good loyalty, right? But there's a line. So let's be real. Society tells us friendships should last forever, and when they don't, there's also that guilt you have, right? Because it's just like, oh, how great is it to have a friend your whole life or since you're 15, or even just when you first got married, whatever stage of life you're in, it feels great to have a friend like that. And it can also feel somewhat of a failure if you are breaking up a friendship, but it's not baby. The failure is keeping someone toxic around. So how do you leave without the guilt? These are some fun steps.
(06:20)
We're going to do five steps. I love numbers. Step one, decide what you will and won't accept. My hell yes, hell no. List. Make your own for friendship qualities. What makes you feel good? I will go down through my best friends. My best friends, lift me up. I know my best friends are not judging me or not talking behind my back. I know my best friends give me, they meet me halfway. I could be having a bad day like anyone else. We all have our days and they'll meet me halfway. They might just say, oh, what's going on? Right? They're not going to just jump down my throat or something if I maybe do have to cancel plans. I'm just not. Look, my dad passed recently, right? I've canceled a plan because I just didn't have it in me to go out in the world, right?
(07:16)
A good dear best friend should easily accept that and say, cool, is there anything you need? Whatever, right? Narcissists often will be like, oh, but you said you'd do this, and so they're still going to guilt trip you, so on your hell yes. It's lifting up. No guilt trips, making you feel good about yourself, trusting, knowing that they trust you. You can trust 'em. The hell knows there's a million hell nos. We can, I know more hell knows than I do. Hell yeses, hell nos. Definitely Guilt trips. Those are the biggest thing. Oh, they just kill me. The guilt trips, the oh punishing. That's a huge one. Do they punish you? I had a friend. Here's an example of being punished in a different way than you might think. We had plans to go to the, let's say apple orchard, whatever it was. At 10 in the morning, something happened where I asked, can we meet at 11?
(08:22)
And it was something legit, I forget what it was, but there was some, not emergency, crazy emergent, but some that came up that was like, shit, can we just push it an hour? Neither one of us had plans the rest of the day. It was just us going and this person was known for doing things like this. If it wasn't exactly what they wanted, how they wanted, then there was punishment. The punishment was that she said to me, nevermind, I'm going to take my other friend. And I was basically uninvited because I asked if we could go hour later. So that's a form of punishment, okay? It's not cool. That's a big hell no other hell nos deflecting, turning things around on you when you're trying to address something with them. Overstepping boundaries. So get clear on your hell, yeses your hell. Noes are just, those are some examples.
(09:14)
If you want to go deep, you want to do coaching, you want to transform your life, so you set up the best boundaries you can freaking imagine and know how to maintain them and not have the guilt and be unshakeable with your boundaries. Then go look at my show notes and sign up for ongoing coaching. That's all I'm doing now. We're not doing one-off calls anymore. People, we're doing big girl shit. So if you want to sign up, you do one month or you do three months. So get in there, okay? We're going to do big girl queen shit now. So you want to change, you want your life to freaking excel and feel joyful and peaceful and all that good. Let's talk. Go check it out. Alright, step two, set and communicate your boundary. This can be gradual, okay? This can be shorter calls not answering every time they call because you're scared because you're walking on eggshells because they're going to punish you if you don't answer.
(10:13)
It's like if you don't answer their call once, they're not going to answer your call the next five times. This is the type of shit I'm talking about or direct. You can say, this friendship isn't healthy for me anymore. I once had to say to a person and we were friends for a very, very long time and I loved her. I still love her. I still care deeply about her, but I felt like there was a lot of these terms and conditions going on and unhealthy ways. And I did say to her, I love you so much. I feel like we could have a distant relationship and maybe we could hang out and grab coffee every few months, but I can't have you in my daily life because anytime I do, we end up at this place again and it's not healthy for either of us, right? Okay. Did she love that? Probably not. Did she say let's go get tacos? No, but that was okay. That was fine. I gave an option. So I'm very direct. I'm 45. I've been doing the boundary shit for years. I'm too direct probably, but it works for me. You find your comfort zone with boundaries, and I have a boundary course too. I tell you all how to fluff it up and do the things that I don't really do anymore because a lot of people are not where I'm at, and that's probably a good thing.
(11:40)
And you don't owe them some Ted talk explaining every detail. That's where you're taking the bait. They want that. They want the chaos, they want the drama. You just make it very simple. You're talking with a narcissist. If you don't know the gray rock method, I have episodes on it. I'll link in the show notes, but just keep it simple. Keep it not emotional. If you want to fluff it up, absolutely, you can fluff it up a little and say, I love you so much. I've been really trying to navigate this and figure out how we can be friends and still have fun together. But you could say just a quick, if something specific happened and I'm just not feeling that it's healthy since then, or you can just say, it just isn't feeling like a healthy friendship for me and what I need and I'd like you to see your way the fuck out. No, you don't say that. It's just not healthy for me anymore. And that's that, right? If you want a better script, you know where to find me. Alright? Step three, expect pushback. If it's a narcissist, toxic, whatever, abuse person, toxic, throw 'em all in the bin and prepare.
(12:58)
They could guilt trip you, gaslight you. If you dunno what that is, it's kind of like making you confused and believing things that aren't true. You're the crazy one. And you start to get all muffled up in your head, right? So they're gaslighting you, making you really think you're the crazy one, putting it like they do. They turn things around, right? Or and or rallying up mutual friends. This happens. They love a good smear campaign. If it's a true narcissist, they're going to smear you to whoever they can. Your own family, your own friends, whoever they know, they may say, oh my gosh, they'll twist a story of how this all went down. If you do say something direct, be prepared. They're going to be like, what a bitch. She said, that's why we do the work, the deeper work because we work on your nervous system.
(13:53)
So that stuff doesn't bother you anymore. Your body says, guess what? I'm at peace over here. So I'm not really giving a fuck what this person is telling old Julie over there about how I send this. And if Julie is a good friend, she's not going to believe her. She's going to know the truth. That's my friend. That's the loyalty, right? So you got to do the deeper work too. These are tips, but you got to do the deeper work. So that's textbook narcissists, all of that stuff, right? So keep reminding yourself why you are leaving. Peace bubble. Peace bubble. I guess that's what you can take away from all this. Stay in your peace bubble. Remind yourself of the peace bubble. You're doing this. Protect your peace. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with ending a relationship with someone who is affecting your mental health.
(14:45)
End of story. I don't care who the fuck they are or how long they've been around, they're passionate today. A lot of curses jumping out. Alright, step four, fill the space with healthier connections. This is so good. This is what I did when I have disconnected from people, it literally opens up space in your life for something healthier, something better, something that you may not even know existed. I have made friends that I'm like, where the freak did these unicorns come from? How magical unicorns just traipsing all around my life, just uplifting, cheerleaders, people that feel very safe. I never have to walk on eggshells. We don't have to walk on eggshells around. We get each other. We understand. We give each other grace. Those are the friends you want to leave room for in your life and schedule that time. If you know of those people and you don't spend that much time, spend more time with them.
(15:44)
If not, join groups. I have episodes on friendships too, about how to make friends. I'm trying to think if that was this podcast or my other one, but I'll do another episode on that. But yes, finding friends can be different, difficult, but it's definitely doable. And find different clubs. That's my main thing is find something you love. Do more of that and you'll naturally meet people that are more like-minded. Even I found one of my best friends randomly in a book club. It was like a self-help. What was it? Rachel Hollis. Remember her book club years ago, and I met this girl in the book club. We are best friends talk every day. So you never know. Number five, step five, release the guilt. Remind yourself you're walking away from someone who consistently is harming you. And I know that can sound dramatic and you're like, well, it's not abuse.
(16:44)
We can call it. It doesn't matter what we call it. It's toxic. It's gross, it's uncomfortable, it's unhealthy. Unhealthy is my new favorite word because unhealthy doesn't sound as dramatic. People are like, oh God, abuse. And then, okay, unhealthy. Same thing as you don't want to be smoking cigarettes. If you're smoking quit, you don't want to be putting these people all up in your energy space either, right? It's bad for you, they're bad for you. So don't feel guilty. You are protecting your peace. And part of this deeper work too that we do, that you do if you work one-on-one with me is this deeper level of self-love and self-respect. And guess what? I'm going to tell you something. Until you have self love, you are not going to get or attract self-respect, sorry, respect from others on that deeper level. When I started cutting people out that I was like, shit, these people aren't treating me well.
(17:49)
This is a real live thing. And I started doing that and gaining in parallel, gaining a lot more confidence and not just confidence, I've been confident in a way in life, but like a self-trust, it really is self-trust. When I got self-trust, way more down is when I started really setting boundaries with ease, standing in my boundaries, attracting better people in my life in general, attracting even just with my jobs, with my clients, with everything. When you have self-trust, you make decisions faster. You don't have so much worry in your mind because you just feel like, I know I know how to do this. I know how to handle this. Whatever comes at you, you got it, you've got this queen, we got this. Okay. So yes, you got to do the deep work, but these are some tips to start with. If you're not ready to dive into deeper healing, I hope you get there soon because I'm telling you it is.
(19:02)
I don't know, what are those credit cards? It's just invaluable. But that's not it. I was going to make a joke and now I can't think of it. Priceless. Priceless. I should actually do a narcissist abuse, recovery, priceless commercial. So it is priceless. It is priceless. And yes, I've spent money on coaches. I've spent more on, not specifically narcissist, I did do some therapy with a therapist that was somewhat aware of narcissism, but I really knew more than she did. And that's not going against her. That's just facts. But I've dove deep into education and books and videos and all sorts of stuff. You do have to invest in yourself if you want to make transformation. And I have invested deeply and it is priceless and I never have regrets. I'll say that there's no regret in the world with the growth I have had and what I've overcome and how I am hardcore peace bubble boundary queen doesn't take shit from anybody.
(20:06)
And I have joy and I have just amazing things happening in my life and amazing people. And that is not a coincidence. That is totally in alignment because I chose to do the work and better my life. All right? So I know it is not easy, right? This friendship stuff, I've been there. The heartstrings are real. If they send you little carrots, we call 'em right? To try to get you little heartstring messages. Oh remember wins that can happen to, let me just put it this way, none of that. When you're in those moments, just picture them as a dump truck with a whole of shit in it. And they're just lifting that, lifting that truck bed. I don't know if they're called truck beds for dump trucks. I'm not a truck girl, but lifting it up and all that shit is being dumped on you.
(21:02)
You're going to emotional dump, right? They're emotionally dumping on you. That's what you need to imagine. I want you to get that lovely picture in your mind. So anytime you have that feeling, just think about what that, because that's what it is. It's a bunch of shit you never signed up for and you don't deserve and you don't need. We are too old for this shit. So I don't care if you've been friends 20, 30 years, whatever, you're allowed to walk away. I'm giving you full permission to not be dumped on anymore. So if you're listening right now and you're like, this is me, take this as that permission slip to choose you, it's okay. You're choosing you. There is no problem with that, right? And on the other side, there is that piece. There is that clarity and space for those sparkly unicorn friends I talked about.
(22:03)
Yeah. So if this episode hit home, you could first of all get my boundaries pocket guide. If you don't have that, that is free. I know people love the little free stuff. That's easy, right? We got these tips that are free. That's great. You want to do transformational work. I just had three people sign up this week for long-term real freaking transformation. And I do run out of spots I don't have. This is a lot of work. This is a lot of my time and investment and I really care about my clients. I put a lot into this so I don't have endless openings. So if you are interested, go sign up. We will work around your schedule to find a time, a weekly call on Zoom in between. If you sign up for the three month jam, which is like you're not going to recognize yourself after, in a good way, you get Voxer access in between the calls.
(23:06)
Not every day, all day. Okay, I got shit to do. I got a life, I got clients, I got my own kid. But at least once a day I will check Voxer and if you leave a message, I will respond within 24 or 48 hours, usually 24. But you get that, that's like a bonus you get for doing the three month. If you want to do one month at a time. There's that option too. There is no vox or access. It's still great. Once a week on zoom, we zoom, zoom. What is that? That's mindset talk, which that's shifting enough. But then you put in the somatic healing, which is healing the body. Ooh girl. If you want more information, I'll put my email. That's always in the show notes too. This combination of mindset and body work is what you need for lasting and lasting healing.
(24:00)
The mindset work is great, but what I noticed with myself with clients is I don't think you ever fully fall back all the way, but you can have shifts and then you might backpedal or stop doing this or that. When you do this body healing work, it just like amplifies the healing you're doing with the mindset work. And it makes it last because the body remembers. The body remembers everything. It's stored in there. You get in the tight shoulders, the stomach aches, the headaches. That's the body. That's stress, that's tension. So the mindset work can help a lot with the thinking and how to navigate things and how to handle the narcissist and the body work is we are going to calibrate your nervous system so you can handle anything. You can handle those conversations. So it just like the two together is where it's at. That's no matter what you sign up for. With me, we are doing both of those things. Where are you going to be in five years? Let's do two years. Two years from now. If you haven't done the work, the transformational work, how are you going to feel if you're still in the same place you are right now in two years?
(25:27)
I love a vacation too, but for me that lasting healing and transformation is more important. That would be my priority. I know not everyone's going to be there, but if you are there and you're like, I don't want to be here in two years, I really don't. I've been doing this. Maybe you've been in stuck for a while. If you want to get unstuck, let's do it. I have faith in you. I know you can do it. All of my clients have had incredible success. I have testimonials, I have all that junk. And we have fun doing it too. I mean it's work as in you got to show up. But we can have fun. We know you are working with the queen here and you're a queen. So two queens on a Zoom call. I mean, can't be that bad, right? Alright, so definitely go sign up.
(26:26)
And I know I got on a side tangent, but I don't know, passion just comes over me. What can I say? That's the Italian too. So I will see you in the next episode. We're going to do a thrive in five Thursdays are thrive in five. I usually do something related to the Tuesday episode and it's thrive in five. So it's some sort of somatic healing or a pep talk, quick pep talk, breath work, meditation, whatever, different things. So I will be recording that actually right after this. I'm going to do a two for one. Look at me, go look at me stacking my work so I can put that out on Thursday. And don't forget to follow the podcast wherever you're go run and do that. All the things. It's a big to-do list today. Make sure you're following so you get notified. Every time my podcast pops, it drops, pops and drops and locks.
(27:25)
Okay? Because you want to be ready for our queen talks, don't you? Yeah, you look like you do. All right, let's take a deep breath. Inhale and release. Inhale and release. You guys did amazing listening to all that jabbering. I'm so proud of you. You get an extra little heart emoji from me. I wish I could send you heart emojis here. That'd be fun. Alright, so go do the things. If you want to dive deep, just let's just do it. Let's go for it. It's going to be fun. Okay? All right, loves these. See you in the next episode. Bye.
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