Emotional Sobriety: The Next Step in Recovery

Thom’s Nutshell:

Perfectionism and Procrastination are old friends – they go way back.

What is emotional dependency? What does that look like, and how can it corrode our relationship with others? Allen goes back to Bill W’s letter on Emotional Sobriety for answers, defining it as real maturity, balance and humility in relationship to life itself. In the transition from environmental support to self support, we release expectations of validation from our fellows to be okay. In emotional dependency we find our own value in a “reflected sense of self.” This is a self-sabotaging framework we can learn to move away from.

Part two later this week will discuss what emotional sobriety can do to build our capacity for communication.

Our music is provided by the great southern artist Jefferson Ross. Learn more about Jefferson at jeffersonross.com

Visit our website:

www.emotionalsobriety.info

Learn more about Joe C., Secular AA and Rebellion Dogs here:

https://rebelliondogspublishing.com 

Follow us on social media:

Instagram: thomrutledge2

Joe C. Twitter: @Rebellion_Dogs

 

Friendly Circle Berlin workshops: https://friendlycircleberlin.org/events

 

Allen’s book, 12 Essential Insights for Emotional Sobriety: https://www.amazon.com/12-Essential-Insights-Emotional-Sobriety/dp/1955415129/

 

Join Allen & Thom at our Thursday night, 7pm PST Zoom meeting on Emotional Sobriety and the Steps (login information below): 

https://zoom.us/j/330149513

Password: 375986

 

For our ongoing workshop video series on Emotional Sobriety and the 12 Steps, visit our YouTube channel here:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHEM2-kqLkfp3I4c0jy-X-g

 

Also, please join our “Emotional Sobriety and Recovery” FB Group at the following link:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/120450976662519

We’d love to stay in touch in between meetings.

 

We appreciate feedback! Contact Patrick, our producer, at pndirective4@gmail.com for any questions or comments.

Chapters

(00:00:07) - Introduction and Defining Emotional Dependency
(00:01:24) - From Environmental Support to Self Support
(00:03:38) - Physical Self-Support and Mastering Skills as Children
(00:05:34) - The Cece Story: How Parental Reflection Shapes Us
(00:09:11) - The Reflected Sense of Self and Bill's Need for Approval
(00:11:04) - Being Stuck in Emotional Dependency
(00:11:48) - How Emotional Dependency Distorts Communication
(00:13:02) - Defending the Reflected Self and Feeling Dismissed
(00:13:56) - Personal Growth Stories and Emotional Freedom
(00:15:11) - Manipulation, Squeezing Life Out of Others, and Self-Esteem
(00:18:13) - Assigning Others Responsibility for Our Emotional Stability
(00:19:30) - St. Francis Prayer Reimagined and Closing Thoughts

Thom’s Nutshell:

Emotional Sobriety is like riding a unicycle.

Allen shares some special interactions he had with Father Richard Rohr, and Thom returns to the show to talk Emotional Sobriety with Patrick.

Richard Rohr’s latest writing, about The Odyssey: https://cac.org/daily-meditations/the-odyssey-a-story-of-homegoing/

Our music is provided by the great southern artist Jefferson Ross. Learn more about Jefferson at jeffersonross.com

Visit our website:

www.emotionalsobriety.info

Learn more about Joe C., Secular AA and Rebellion Dogs here:

https://rebelliondogspublishing.com 

Follow us on social media:

Instagram: thomrutledge2

Joe C. Twitter: @Rebellion_Dogs

 

Friendly Circle Berlin workshops: https://friendlycircleberlin.org/events

 

Allen’s book, 12 Essential Insights for Emotional Sobriety: https://www.amazon.com/12-Essential-Insights-Emotional-Sobriety/dp/1955415129/

 

Join Allen & Thom at our Thursday night, 7pm PST Zoom meeting on Emotional Sobriety and the Steps (login information below): 

https://zoom.us/j/330149513

Password: 375986

 

For our ongoing workshop video series on Emotional Sobriety and the 12 Steps, visit our YouTube channel here:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHEM2-kqLkfp3I4c0jy-X-g

 

Also, please join our “Emotional Sobriety and Recovery” FB Group at the following link:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/120450976662519

We’d love to stay in touch in between meetings.

 

We appreciate feedback! Contact Patrick, our producer, at pndirective4@gmail.com for any questions or comments.

Chapters

(00:00:07) - Recap of recent speaking trip and conferences
(00:01:18) - Training with Tommy Rosen and yoga integration
(00:02:32) - Men's retreat at Hummingbird Music Camp
(00:03:37) - Father Richard Rohr's surprise visit and wisdom at 84
(00:05:59) - Retreat impact and the Enneagram
(00:06:45) - The pursuit of emotional freedom
(00:07:39) - Emotional sobriety as riding a unicycle
(00:08:25) - My story, our story, others' story, and the story
(00:11:47) - Catholicism, universality, and colonial history
(00:13:07) - Facing physical helplessness in the third half of life
(00:14:34) - Sorrow, process addiction, and doing it wrong
(00:16:20) - Story failure, politics, and Trumpism as meaning
(00:18:00) - Universal forgiveness and positive cosmology
(00:18:57) - Genesis 1 vs Genesis 3 and nihilistic culture
(00:22:35) - Understanding, feeling, and relationships
(00:24:06) - Multiple selves and internal parts work
(00:25:36) - Therapy, integrating difficult parts, and leadership of self
(00:27:01) - Insight versus hindsight in self-understanding
(00:27:55) - Creative work and not knowing its meaning
(00:28:32) - Book projects and publishing updates
(00:30:11) - Nostalgia for radio versus podcasting

Thom’s Nutshell:

Be realistic about rejection. Don’t take things personally!

Staying in equanimity, being less reactive are some primary goals of emotional sobriety. We aren’t sick, we’re stuck. Allen uses the example of a loved one failing to show up for him at a critical moment to demonstrate how dependency works. We keep authorship of our experience in our own hands by differentiating. Can we keep our center of gravity over our own two feet, regardless of what happens? Joe C. asks in the second half of the episode: what are the exceptions, the challenges to “our” reality that can do us a service? We get into dating, breakups, and the idea of “controlled” drinking.

Learn more about ICSAA, The International Conference of Secular AA, here (Phoenix event coming November 13-15):

https://www.aasecular.org/icsaa-2026

Our music is provided by the great southern artist Jefferson Ross. Learn more about Jefferson at jeffersonross.com

Visit our website:

www.emotionalsobriety.info

Learn more about Joe C., Secular AA and Rebellion Dogs here:

https://rebelliondogspublishing.com 

Follow us on social media:

Instagram: thomrutledge2

Joe C. Twitter: @Rebellion_Dogs

 

Friendly Circle Berlin workshops: https://friendlycircleberlin.org/events

 

Allen’s book, 12 Essential Insights for Emotional Sobriety: https://www.amazon.com/12-Essential-Insights-Emotional-Sobriety/dp/1955415129/

 

Join Allen & Thom at our Thursday night, 7pm PST Zoom meeting on Emotional Sobriety and the Steps (login information below): 

https://zoom.us/j/330149513

Password: 375986

 

For our ongoing workshop video series on Emotional Sobriety and the 12 Steps, visit our YouTube channel here:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHEM2-kqLkfp3I4c0jy-X-g

 

Also, please join our “Emotional Sobriety and Recovery” FB Group at the following link:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/120450976662519

We’d love to stay in touch in between meetings.

 

We appreciate feedback! Contact Patrick, our producer, at pndirective4@gmail.com for any questions or comments.

Chapters

(00:00:00) - Introduction to Emotional Sobriety Theme
(00:00:37) - Don't Let Others Edit Your Reality: The Core Concept
(00:01:25) - Example: Partner Arriving Late to a Talk
(00:03:19) - Keeping Authorship of Your Own Reality
(00:04:34) - Dependence, Approval, and Feedback from Others
(00:06:28) - Personal Struggles with Reactivity and Equanimity
(00:07:33) - Tom's Absence and Upcoming Book Announcement
(00:08:30) - Reality as Construct and Recovery Beliefs
(00:10:04) - Rethinking Long-Term Sobriety and Relapse Beliefs
(00:13:16) - Everyone's Recovery Looks Different
(00:15:18) - Breaking Up and Not Internalizing Others' Judgments
(00:17:32) - Evolving Relationship Values and Responsibility
(00:19:58) - Change, Growth, and Survival
(00:21:04) - Upcoming Secular AA Conference in Phoenix

Thom’s Nutshell:

Serious condition: I’ll be okay as soon as that thing that happened to me didn’t happen to me.

There’s a difference between blame and responsibility. Blame comes from “low differentiation,” or a low level of emotional maturity. It’s a sign of where we’re stuck in our development-fused with our environments. Taking responsibility, conversely, empowers us. It gives us more possibilities, brings in enthusiasm and zeal. We’re working towards self-support, where we act for ourselves without being selfish, and acting for others without losing ourselves.

Our music is provided by the great southern artist Jefferson Ross. Learn more about Jefferson at jeffersonross.com

Visit our website:

www.emotionalsobriety.info

Learn more about Joe C., Secular AA and Rebellion Dogs here:

https://rebelliondogspublishing.com 

Follow us on social media:

Instagram: thomrutledge2

Joe C. Twitter: @Rebellion_Dogs

 

Friendly Circle Berlin workshops: https://friendlycircleberlin.org/events

 

Allen’s book, 12 Essential Insights for Emotional Sobriety: https://www.amazon.com/12-Essential-Insights-Emotional-Sobriety/dp/1955415129/

 

Join Allen & Thom at our Thursday night, 7pm PST Zoom meeting on Emotional Sobriety and the Steps (login information below): 

https://zoom.us/j/330149513

Password: 375986

 

For our ongoing workshop video series on Emotional Sobriety and the 12 Steps, visit our YouTube channel here:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHEM2-kqLkfp3I4c0jy-X-g

 

Also, please join our “Emotional Sobriety and Recovery” FB Group at the following link:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/120450976662519

We’d love to stay in touch in between meetings.

 

We appreciate feedback! Contact Patrick, our producer, at pndirective4@gmail.com for any questions or comments.

Chapters

(00:00:07) - Introduction and Recovery 2.0 Retreat with Tommy Rosen
(00:02:46) - Yoga, Travel, and Recovery Speaking Life
(00:03:58) - Blame vs Responsibility: Defining Emotional Immaturity
(00:08:50) - How Blame Turns Us Into Victims
(00:10:20) - Walking Through a Disappointment Scenario
(00:12:27) - Empowerment Through Responsibility
(00:13:49) - Joining Joe: Milestones in Long-Term Sobriety
(00:14:33) - Childlike Curiosity vs Duty and Obligation
(00:16:58) - Addiction as a Solution That Almost Worked
(00:18:00) - Self-Regulation and Mindfulness
(00:20:16) - Expressing Feelings Through Music
(00:21:10) - New Parenthood and Emotional Sobriety
(00:23:04) - Uncharted Territory: Supporting a Struggling Friend
(00:26:24) - Living With Human Range, Not Transcending It
(00:27:41) - Agency, Responsibility, and Passing Time
(00:29:04) - Perpetrator, Victim, Rescuer Triads
(00:30:23) - Programming, Privilege, and the Limits of Emotional Work
(00:31:54) - Responsibility as Meaning, Not Burden

Thom’s Nutshell:

"Self-denial results in dependence. Self-acceptance creates independence."

Waking up is a process, not an event. A road back to our true lost selves. Daniel Fulop-Furlano joins Allen to talk about his journey towards emotional sobriety, which began with the “Divided Sky” rehab retreat in Ludlow, Vermont. Dan’s book, “Sincerely, Delusional,” is a testament to both the sincerity of his delusion (which we also call “sleepwalking”), and the capacity, beginning with an earnest asking for help, that he’s built brick by brick as a person courageously exposing and addressing his deep set dependencies.

Learn more about Dan and purchase his remarkable book: https://www.sincerelydelusional.com

Learn more about Divided Sky: https://dividedsky.org

Our music is provided by the great southern artist Jefferson Ross. Learn more about Jefferson at jeffersonross.com

Visit our website:

www.emotionalsobriety.info

Learn more about Joe C., Secular AA and Rebellion Dogs here:

https://rebelliondogspublishing.com 

Follow us on social media:

Instagram: thomrutledge2

Joe C. Twitter: @Rebellion_Dogs

 

Friendly Circle Berlin workshops: https://friendlycircleberlin.org/events

 

Allen’s book, 12 Essential Insights for Emotional Sobriety: https://www.amazon.com/12-Essential-Insights-Emotional-Sobriety/dp/1955415129/

 

Join Allen & Thom at our Thursday night, 7pm PST Zoom meeting on Emotional Sobriety and the Steps (login information below): 

https://zoom.us/j/330149513

Password: 375986

 

For our ongoing workshop video series on Emotional Sobriety and the 12 Steps, visit our YouTube channel here:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHEM2-kqLkfp3I4c0jy-X-g

 

Also, please join our “Emotional Sobriety and Recovery” FB Group at the following link:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/120450976662519

We’d love to stay in touch in between meetings.

 

We appreciate feedback! Contact Patrick, our producer, at pndirective4@gmail.com for any questions or comments.

Chapters

(00:00:07) - Introduction and Grateful Dead Sphere Chat
(00:01:02) - Setting Up the Conversation on Waking Up
(00:02:39) - The Flight to Rehab and Sincere Delusion
(00:04:21) - Hitting the Bottom and Limitation
(00:06:42) - Arriving at Treatment and Losing Freedom
(00:08:49) - Returning a Year Later and Writing the Book
(00:12:22) - Discovering Emotional Sobriety Language
(00:14:51) - Compassion, Honesty, and Safe Spaces in Treatment
(00:18:46) - Deciding to Go to Treatment Despite Resistance
(00:21:11) - Sacrifice and Choosing Recovery Over Life Events
(00:23:11) - Living Fully After Recovery
(00:23:54) - Public Speaking, Nerves, and Practice
(00:28:10) - Emotional Sobriety as Maturity and Practice
(00:29:37) - Waking Up Back Into the World
(00:31:41) - Book's Impact and Reactions from Readers
(00:32:50) - Life as an Adventure and Closing Thoughts