What Happens When a Dismissive Avoidant or Fearful Avoidant Shuts You Out
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When someone you love suddenly shuts down and says “I’m fine,” it can be confusing, painful, and triggering — especially if you know something’s off. In this episode, Thais Gibson and Mike de Zio dive deep into what’s really happening when a dismissive avoidant (DA) or fearful avoidant (FA) pulls away.
They explore how shutting down is rarely about spite or indifference — it’s a subconscious protection strategy. Through personal stories and actionable steps, Thais and Mike explain how to understand these patterns, respond without pushing your partner away, and create safety for honest reconnection.
💡 You’ll Learn:
Why dismissive and fearful avoidants withdraw when they’re hurt
The 6 key steps to reconnect without triggering defensiveness
How to validate your partner’s needs without abandoning your own
What to say (and not say) when they need space
How to rebuild communication, empathy, and safety in conflict
Why clearly expressing your needs is a vital part of healing
🕓 Episode Breakdown:
00:00 – Intro: Why avoidants “shut down” during conflict
03:00 – Understanding Avoidant Protection Mechanisms
06:10 – Thais’ Past Experience as a Fearful Avoidant
07:45 – Why Avoidants Retreat When Hurt
09:03 – Emotional Safety vs. Pressure in Relationships
11:00 – How to Support a Dismissive Avoidant Without Overstepping
13:05 – The Power of Asking Gentle Questions
16:12 – How Opposite Needs Create Miscommunication
19:00 – Is It Okay to Sleep on an Argument?
21:15 – Reassurance, Timing, and the Hybrid Approach
22:30 – Step 1: Approach Them With Sensitivity
24:45 – Step 2: Offer Support Without Pressure
27:00 – Step 3: “Timebox” the Conversation
30:19 – Step 4: How to Reconnect When They’re Ready
33:10 – Step 5: Communicate Needs Clearly & Calmly
36:00 – Step 6: Take Your Own Needs Into Account
38:00 – Why Communicating Your Needs Builds Emotional Safety
41:00 – Healthy Conflict vs. Avoidance
44:30 – How Validation and Compromise Foster Secure Attachment
46:00 – Final Reflections: Reconnecting After Withdrawal
Key Takeaway:
Avoidants don’t shut you out because they don’t care — they do it because vulnerability feels unsafe. The more you understand their patterns and communicate your own needs clearly, the faster you both can reconnect from a place of empathy, not defense.
🎙️ Meet Your Host
Thais Gibson is the founder of The Personal Development School and creator of the Integrated Attachment Theory™. With a Ph.D. and over 70,000 students worldwide, she’s a global expert in attachment healing, subconscious reprogramming, and emotional intelligence.
📚 Helpful Resources:
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📘 Read Learning Love by Thais Gibson
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Remember: Silence doesn’t always mean disinterest — sometimes, it’s protection. Learn how to bridge the gap with compassion and clarity. 💗
New Zealand