Learning How To Be Old

I asked Deborah Shepard to talk about writing your life story, because she has been teaching a course on memoir writing for 20 years. Tips are especially useful as you get older, because your life story gets longer and longer and longer! The rewards for writing a memoir will surprise you, I think, because they can be profound. Not financial rewards for most of us, but rewards such as confidence, understanding, wisdom, excitement, camaraderie and pride.

I've written a lot of books myself, so some of Deborah's ideas were naturally familiar to me. But I also got some totally new ideas from her, which have been tried and tested by hundreds of people over 20 years.

So if you have ever thought about writing your own memoir, listen up. Deborah gives a detailed description of the writing methods she teaches, so that you can start with confidence and really enjoy the process of writing. She knows what motivates people to start such an interesting project, and they're all good reasons. She wants you to write your memoir with affection and warmth, being kind to yourself and writing as if to a good friend: that's solid gold advice. And there's more, much more.

Writing your memoir: nothing to lose, and so much to gain. Now's good!

If you have a friend with similar interest, do share this episode: this might be the start of a supportive writing group.

Deborah Shepard is an author, oral historian and film and art historian. She has also been a lecturer in Film, TV and Media Studies at the University of Auckland.

I enjoy reading tips from a centenarian about why they've lived so long and stayed so perky. Now well over 100, Doris Carnevali devised an original system for tackling the never-ending problems of daily life in extreme old age, and reasons for gratitude.

Whether you are almost old, already old, or never-gonna-be-old, she is my role model for positive ageing. I'm sharing three key chapters from my book based on her blog, The Sturdy Centenarian.

A simple mantra to stop herself from falling

her ABC for meeting the everyday challenges of very old age

And some surprising things to be grateful for, in spite of extreme old age and even because of it.

Usually when very old people are asked for tips on aging, they give varied and specific advice from their own experience. Tips like “stay young at heart” or "stay curious" or "keep dancing" or “marry a good wife.” Doris Carnevali does give advice, although she thinks of herself as a guide, not a teacher. She also also offers a practical, pretty straightforward system for dealing with the challenges that crop up every day when you become very old.

This short episode was first broadcast in November 2024.

Rich advice from 100 centenarians (The Guardian, 23 February 2023)

Even as toddlers we start establishing ourselves as autonomous individuals, and we turn up the volume in our teens. Then in old age we are obliged (or expected) to gradually surrender some decisions, some control over our lives. How are we to navigate these changes?

Defending our autonomy is a serious business at any age. In this bonus episode, the Sturdy Centenarian rages against “thoughtless condescension.” We intuitively want to be boss of ourselves. In old age, when we notice others deciding and acting on our behalf, that hurts. Doris Carnevali has figured out how to deal with this.

Retired professor Doris Carnevali is one of my most important mentors for the uncharted territory of aging. In her 90s she noticed that younger people felt free to breach her boundaries, disregarding her opinions and being downright rude. This was shocking, and apparently due only to her advanced age.

The problem was obvious — but what to do, how to protect her precious autonomy? She decided to bring the topic into the light. She began talking to her family openly and truthfully about how old age affected her. She set some rules, too.

I always find guidance from this wise woman. I’m about 18 younger, and I get tips from her experience of defending autonomy that would have been useful to me 40 years ago.

What is autonomy and why is it so difficult to achieve?

Medical ethics: autonomy

My cat suffers from ageism too

I yearn for good conversation in old age, and I have problems. There's tons of advice about how to talk TO old people. But I AM that old person, and I need help too. So I asked Kirsty Ferguson for help.

In my 80s, I'm hard of hearing and slow to process information. I miss the jokes, I interrupt, give unsolicited advice, repeat myself and lose track. I'm sometimes silent and sometimes rude. So I asked some kind strangers on Cuba Street and Kirsty Ferguson for insights and advice about what makes a good conversation.

They certainly came through! Kirsty is an experienced disputes moderator and counsellor, and every stranger contributed a different and true idea. In the end, the solution is not unique to old people. In fact, anyone who might be old one day would do well to start practising these conversational skills well in advance. Let's accept the changed dynamics of conversation in old age — and be patient and kind to ourselves.

I wonder what you're thinking. What's a good conversation, in your opinion? Do you have enough of them? Do you think you have more problems participating in conversations than when you were younger? What would make conversation more enjoyable for you? Is there anything you could do to make them more enjoyable?

That's all, I'm done! And please do share this with a friend if you find it interesting.

How older people talk: a poem

Active listening (NIH National Library of Medicine

Do old people like me use different proverbs than young people? We got them from our parents and grandparents and teachers, who got them from the Bible and Shakespeare and other writers. I was pretty sure that today's young people have different ones,probably with different messages. I needed a panel of young people to explain this to me, so my grandson Max McAlpine, age 27, and Gabriella Eaton, 26, enlightened me.

I wonder what proverbs and sayings you say to yourself. Or to other people, especially young people? Do they even understand you? and what do they mean?