Learning How To Be Old

The face of old age, your own old age, takes a bit of getting used to. When I was only 74 and I still had a bad case of ageism, I didn’t like the look of old people. Now I look in the mirror and I see an old woman’s face — and strange to say, I don’t particularly care.

Dr Susanna Kent and I recorded this episode on my 85th birthday and we had a lot of fun, which I’m keen to share with you.

Why the face of old age is not a pretty one

I demanded that Susanna explain why I’ve got dead-gorse-bush hair, non-existent eyebrows, and so many scars and wrinkles. I questioned random pedestrians: as you’ll hear, most said they don’t look at the face of a new acquaintance but into their eyes — or in one case, at their clothes! They look to see whether a person is approachable. They look for the essence, the spirit of a person. Which has nothing to do with wrinkles.

Poems about making beautiful faces

Turns out I have written at least three poems about faces and makeup. You could almost call it an obsession:

Making Faces (written in my 30s)

Beauty Tips for Older Ladies (written when I was 79)

Aging Beauty — instant poem, (written when I was 82)

Do you really want to know about the face of old age?

We barely touched on the topic. But a quick glance at the NIH National Library of Medicine gives the facts about facial ageing, sometimes in excruciating detail.

The facial aging process from the inside out (PMC, National Library of Medicine)

Facial aging trajectories: A common shape pattern in male and female faces is disrupted after menopause (https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6771603/

Lesley and Richard Evans discuss adventures in home gardening. Gardening is exercise, nature-bathing, achievement and fun at any age. There are so many ways of gardening, one for every personality, and ways that work from the cradle to the grave.

He is busy planting and growing and weeding a big range of fruit and vegetables in their city garden, and she is harvesting and eating and preserving and giving the rest away.

They're both in their 80s, which is not that unusual for gardeners. That's because if you get the opportunity, gardening is something you can enjoy from the age of 3 to 93, at least.

You can start and stop at any age, although it must be said: Richard never stops. Mind you, they pace themselves. If you are learning how to be old, and if gardening is a possibility for you — well, you can see from Lesley and Richard’s example just how interesting and fun that can be.

The garden produces more than food

It's an inspiration for paintings. Gardens are beautiful. And so is food. Irresistible fodder for an artist like Lesley.

They began as a young married couple in Kunde, in Nepal, high in the Himalayas. Not ideal terrain for a vege garden. They were working in Kunde Hospital founded by Edmund Hillary, and their garden succumbed to wandering yaks.

Obviously gardening is exercise. It’s also a way to plunge into nature, a mental challenge, a budget boost, a social thing and even a neighbourhood thing. One word of advice: You might want to start small!

Raised garden beds for over-50s

Making garden connections (Age Concern)

Photos are by Rachel McAlpine except for A. villages of Kumbila and Kunde, which is by Moralist, CC SA-BY 3.0 and B. Lesley Evans' painting of children eating apples off a tree, which is by Lesley Evans.

At 86 I'm hungry for role models who show me how they manage life in their 90s. Rachelle Calkoen may be 102 but she is more engaged with the world, more curious than many people half her age. I hope you get as much joy from her story as I do. If so, please tell a friend about this podcast so they can also be inspired.

Today I’m learning how to be old from someone with a track record: the fabulous Rachelle Calkoen. She was born in 1923, in Holland.

I interviewed her four years ago, for my play, The Secret Lives of Extremely Old People, when she was only 98. The other day I was having a cup of tea with her and she kindly gave me permission to use part of that conversation for this podcast. Coming up shortly.

She said very little had changed for her since then, and she certainly looks the same (wonderful) and her voice sounds the same (musical). She still has the same problems: words — she can FEEL them in her mouth, but they won’t come out; and the same pleasures: birds and people and books and clocks and life itself.

She’s 102, with a mind and heart wide open. She is curious! She’s up for new stuff! Some things annoy her but I don’t think anything bores her. Anyway we can never BE her but that’s what I’m learning from her: to crank up that curiosity engine.

An extremely long life is inevitably interesting. We learn something of her childhood in Holland followed by the horrors of the German occupation. Her university year in Geneva under Professor Jean Piaget and idealistic early career. Her marriage and emigration to New Zealand 75 years ago.

But I'm especially interested in her personal experience of life as an extremely old woman, because she is my curious centenarian role model.

A centenarian's practical advice (A sturdy centenarian)

‘Keep your eyes open – and leap into the future’: 100 centenarians’ 100 tips for a life well lived (The Guardian)

Hey, I went carless years ago, otherwise I might be thinking these thoughts:

I've been driving safely for 50 years and never had a crash, so how dare you say I'm a danger to shipping?

Why do I have to have a cognitive test? Animals beginning with A? Ridiculous.

How am I going to get to choir if I can't drive?

Why won’t my son let me drive my mokopuna to soccer?

And, um, what are those things called buses?

These may sound familiar if you are starting to wonder whether you should be driving any more. Part of learning how to be old is learning to drive safely as long as possible, and how to recognise when you need advice or help. Fact is, everything changes over a lifetime of driving: roads, rules, cars, and our bodies, brains, needs and circumstances. Therefore we can't just carry on driving the same way forever without a review.

So I talked to Hariata Hema. Her role in Age Concern New Zealand is to run the Staying Safe Refresher Driving Course all around New Zealand, along with a small team. This is a one-day course to update your driving knowledge and also tackle those painful personal questions.

What has Hariata Hema taught me about driving safely even when you're old? Be honest with yourself, and think ahead, don’t wait for disaster to strike, be pro-active. And if you live in Aotearoa New Zealand, ask your local branch of Age Concern about their various courses, and especially the Staying Safe Refresher Driving Course. Short and oh so helpful and maybe necessary.

By the way, Hariata is 70, so she understands what is involved in driving safely into old age, not only professionally but also personally.

Age Concern's Staying Safe Refresher Driving Course

AA research on older drivers

Starting and stopping—writing? driving? living?

Meena Kadri is only 56 but she already has activities that will be fun in old age. She gets great pleasure from activities with friends who are decades older than her. They inevitably show her different ways of being old, and they bring surprising stories and wisdom and fun to their conversation.

That's one reason why Meena knows heaps about how to be old, and has no fear of old age. She’s learned from weaving and aquajogging with older women, and from hanging out with her 98-year-old uncle in Bombay.

In this episode she also talks about the feng shui of park benches, and a workshop run by an octogenarian that alerted young designers to the needs of older people.

I think you'll enjoy meeting Meena — and if so, do share her interview with a friend.

Wellington City Council Hydrotherapy pool

Park benches placed for conversation in Korea

https://www.flickr.com/photos/meanestindian/ (Meena Kadri's amazing photostream on Flickr)