Learning How To Be Old

At 86 I'm hungry for role models who show me how they manage life in their 90s. Rachelle Calkoen may be 102 but she is more engaged with the world, more curious than many people half her age. I hope you get as much joy from her story as I do. If so, please tell a friend about this podcast so they can also be inspired.

Today I’m learning how to be old from someone with a track record: the fabulous Rachelle Calkoen. She was born in 1923, in Holland.

I interviewed her four years ago, for my play, The Secret Lives of Extremely Old People, when she was only 98. The other day I was having a cup of tea with her and she kindly gave me permission to use part of that conversation for this podcast. Coming up shortly.

She said very little had changed for her since then, and she certainly looks the same (wonderful) and her voice sounds the same (musical). She still has the same problems: words — she can FEEL them in her mouth, but they won’t come out; and the same pleasures: birds and people and books and clocks and life itself.

She’s 102, with a mind and heart wide open. She is curious! She’s up for new stuff! Some things annoy her but I don’t think anything bores her. Anyway we can never BE her but that’s what I’m learning from her: to crank up that curiosity engine.

An extremely long life is inevitably interesting. We learn something of her childhood in Holland followed by the horrors of the German occupation. Her university year in Geneva under Professor Jean Piaget and idealistic early career. Her marriage and emigration to New Zealand 75 years ago.

But I'm especially interested in her personal experience of life as an extremely old woman, because she is my curious centenarian role model.

A centenarian's practical advice (A sturdy centenarian)

‘Keep your eyes open – and leap into the future’: 100 centenarians’ 100 tips for a life well lived (The Guardian)

Hey, I went carless years ago, otherwise I might be thinking these thoughts:

I've been driving safely for 50 years and never had a crash, so how dare you say I'm a danger to shipping?

Why do I have to have a cognitive test? Animals beginning with A? Ridiculous.

How am I going to get to choir if I can't drive?

Why won’t my son let me drive my mokopuna to soccer?

And, um, what are those things called buses?

These may sound familiar if you are starting to wonder whether you should be driving any more. Part of learning how to be old is learning to drive safely as long as possible, and how to recognise when you need advice or help. Fact is, everything changes over a lifetime of driving: roads, rules, cars, and our bodies, brains, needs and circumstances. Therefore we can't just carry on driving the same way forever without a review.

So I talked to Hariata Hema. Her role in Age Concern New Zealand is to run the Staying Safe Refresher Driving Course all around New Zealand, along with a small team. This is a one-day course to update your driving knowledge and also tackle those painful personal questions.

What has Hariata Hema taught me about driving safely even when you're old? Be honest with yourself, and think ahead, don’t wait for disaster to strike, be pro-active. And if you live in Aotearoa New Zealand, ask your local branch of Age Concern about their various courses, and especially the Staying Safe Refresher Driving Course. Short and oh so helpful and maybe necessary.

By the way, Hariata is 70, so she understands what is involved in driving safely into old age, not only professionally but also personally.

Age Concern's Staying Safe Refresher Driving Course

AA research on older drivers

Starting and stopping—writing? driving? living?

Meena Kadri is only 56 but she already has activities that will be fun in old age. She gets great pleasure from activities with friends who are decades older than her. They inevitably show her different ways of being old, and they bring surprising stories and wisdom and fun to their conversation.

That's one reason why Meena knows heaps about how to be old, and has no fear of old age. She’s learned from weaving and aquajogging with older women, and from hanging out with her 98-year-old uncle in Bombay.

In this episode she also talks about the feng shui of park benches, and a workshop run by an octogenarian that alerted young designers to the needs of older people.

I think you'll enjoy meeting Meena — and if so, do share her interview with a friend.

Wellington City Council Hydrotherapy pool

Park benches placed for conversation in Korea

https://www.flickr.com/photos/meanestindian/ (Meena Kadri's amazing photostream on Flickr)

Look, you don't want to fall over, do you, especially if you're old and your bones are brittle. Luckily there's plenty of scientific evidence about how to build our strength and balance, and proof that it really works. Adrian Pretorius's work helps to keep hundreds of people out of hospital. He’s got tips, apps, and evidence which will help us to stay upright. And if you do fall over, you don’t want to get stuck on the floor or break something so that we land up in hospital.  Personally, I’m very keen on avoiding that, aren’t you? Adrian has even got advice about that.

New Zealand's Accident Compensation Corporation (ACC) has this goal for New Zealand residents: Live stronger for longer — prevent falls and fractures. Look for the low cost community-run Steady As You Go classes. NYMBL, an ingenious app, is free for all New Zealand residents over 50.

Once last year I just fell over regardless, for no apparent reason, with no obvious cause. I didn't trip, slip, lose my balance, twist or stumble: I just felt as if someone popped the balloon of me and I collapsed. But thanks to one harmless and simple strategy, I fell softly and didn't hurt myself. So of course I asked Adrian to share this message: you can do this too. No guarantee! I'm well aware of that. But once learned, I've never forgotten it and I hope I never do. Fall softly! (After all, that's what children do.) So far, so good.

Here's a very special discussion I recorded a couple of years ago with Judith Fyfe. As a trailblazing oral historian in New Zealand she has vast experience in recording the voices of older people, for example, World War I veterans and our centenarians. As a young journalist and talkback host, Judith Fyfe started to learn the necessary skills of listening with intelligence. Today she is still listening with purpose and empathy in her job as as a forensic lawyer.

Listen carefully to Judith Fyfe, because she shares some fascinating insights, practical and profound. She has a strong sense of just how precious is the sound of very old people speaking — not just the stories they tell but their fascinating use of language and interesting voices. I hope you might be inspired to ask someone old to let you record their stories. It's a very significant work, usually bringing joy to both parties. Also it's so much easier now, starting with a cellphone and a microphone.

But first, listen to Judith's advice. She is terribly modest, but she is the real deal.

Oral history and sound archive, New Zealand National Library

The birth of talkback radio in New Zealand

War Stories Our Mothers Never Told Us — NZ Film on demand