Learning How To Be Old

Pinky Agnew, a much-loved New Zealand comedian, entertainer, and funeral celebrant, talks with Rachel McAlpine (me) about managing friendships in old age. Midlife is a good time to consider your friendships and what lies ahead. Is fear of loneliness a factor in your private FOGO (Fear Of Getting Old)?

“Managing friendships” is not just about avoiding loneliness, a known killer of old people — it includes backing away from friends who are no longer right for you, being friendly to strangers, maintaining good friendships when circumstances change, accepting the loss of some friends, and being open to unexpected friendships.

Pinky has good tips on making new friends, dissolving friendships, how not to be a grumpy old bugger, and how to have 7 conversations a day. (She says that talking to a dog counts as a conversation, even if the dog does not talk back.)

I finish with a poem: “How to make friends when you’re old.”

Plenty to learn here about managing friendships, including from our best teachers: little children.

NOTE: Encore! A longer version of this episode was first broadcast 18 months ago. The challenge of making and keeping friends continues throughout life, so it's well worth a second listen!

How to make friends as a middle aged man, even if the idea makes you feel weird Ross McCammon Time Magazine. 2018

Annoying your friends An instant poem by me that I still find funny

Cultivate women friends: a tiny tip for a happy healthy old age Simple as. Reposted from Margo’s blog, date unknown

We all hit obstacles with our computers and smartphones and tablets, but IT issues in later life can seem especially tricky. That might be partly because of normal age-related changes like arthritis, poor eyesight, or short term memory failings. Or it might be because we've retired, because at work we might have had an IT team to call on.

Oliver Couchman has been helping people tackle problems with digital devices in his spare time ever since he was 13. Now he has some sage advice for everyone, but particularly around IT issues for older people, based on years of one-on-one experience. If you have seen yourself as incompetent with technology, stop now! He has watched scores of older people at their keyboards, and when it comes to perpetuating that stereotype, I reckon we're our own worst enemies.

Do you have an uneasy feeling that you SHOULD be using your computer differently, or you're 'not good' at technology? What's the IT challenge you've got at the moment? (We've all got them.) Also, have you ever been scammed? Whatever your situation, I reckon Oliver will boost your confidence.

We're old hands at using digital devices

At 86, I'm not a digital native. I was in my late 40s (I think) when a desk computer entered my working life, and that was an adorable Apple IIE Classic. Which means I've been using a computer for 40 years — how about you? You didn't start yesterday and you know a lot. You know what you need to know, and you learn new tricks when you need them and not a moment sooner. That's normal, says Oliver.

Listen if you might be old one day!

TECH-SAVVY NEW ZEALAND SENIORS SHATTER STEREOTYPE

Share of adults in the United States who use the internet as of June 2025, by age group

I've never seen hockey cited as an easy or safe sport for seniors, but Di Jordan, 69, plays on with wisdom and a wild joy. Don't stop, she says.

Di will turn 70 on her next birthday, which is a big deal for a Masters hockey player. It means she'll progress from being the oldest in her beloved 65+ team to the 70+ tier, where she will be the youngest player... for a while.

She talks about the many rewards of the game itself and its impact on her life. Di is a wise elder in the world of New Zealand hockey. She brings decades of experience and reflection to her other roles as coach and elder. She spreads the joy far and wide — including to you and me through this recording.

Sport for seniors can be a fun choice and many start playing a competitive sport that they've never tried before. They get stuck into lawn bowls or golf, table tennis or badminton. Croquet, which appears so gentle, can be fiercely competitive. Even pickleball, widely regarded as a purely social sport, has its tournaments and ladders and professional players. Nevertheless, these can be played casually, for fun.

By contrast, nobody mentions field hockey when listing the "easiest sports for seniors" or "safest sports for seniors"! Yet Di Jordan has been playing hockey almost continuously for the last 58-odd years. She stopped to have her babies, then back she went. Hockey is the game she loves, and in local hockey, she plays alongside 16-year-olds, keeping up with them — just, she says — in the sprints.

Enjoy this positive and fun conversation with the legendary Di Jordan ... and if you play a sport you love, don't stop. A few kind strangers also share their experience of sport at school and after leaving school. Their replies surprised me and they made me smile.

Masters — Hockey New Zealand (home truths on video, One News)

Are you a bit skeptical about spirituality? Do you wonder whether you even have a spiritual life? And whether this might help you in old age? Michael Fitzsimons, a wise and open-minded poet, cancer survivor and former trainee-priest, explores spirituality for skeptics, beginners and believers alike.

We explore some interesting ideas including these:

maybe everyone prays, whether we know it or not

another phrase for spirituality is your inner life

you are constantly urged to work on your individual body and career, but a strong inner life can vastly expands your view

belonging to a religion doesn't suit everyone, but it can provide a framework to support you in old age

many older people naturally become more mellow and accepting

gratitude and wonder are the heart of a spiritual life.

As we finish our discussion, Michael suggests a simple daily habit to heighten awareness and enrich your inner life— regardless of whether you are a skeptic or a believer.

Resources relevant to this episode:

This Jungian Life: Prayer and the psyche (podcast)

Michael, I thought you were dead (poems by Michael Fitzsimons)

High Wire (poems by Michael Fitzsimons)

Deciding to be happy in old age: Dale Copeland (interview with someone whose theme song is gratitude: 'I'm so lucky!'

I asked Deborah Shepard to talk about writing your life story, because she has been teaching a course on memoir writing for 20 years. Tips are especially useful as you get older, because your life story gets longer and longer and longer! The rewards for writing a memoir will surprise you, I think, because they can be profound. Not financial rewards for most of us, but rewards such as confidence, understanding, wisdom, excitement, camaraderie and pride.

I've written a lot of books myself, so some of Deborah's ideas were naturally familiar to me. But I also got some totally new ideas from her, which have been tried and tested by hundreds of people over 20 years.

So if you have ever thought about writing your own memoir, listen up. Deborah gives a detailed description of the writing methods she teaches, so that you can start with confidence and really enjoy the process of writing. She knows what motivates people to start such an interesting project, and they're all good reasons. She wants you to write your memoir with affection and warmth, being kind to yourself and writing as if to a good friend: that's solid gold advice. And there's more, much more.

Writing your memoir: nothing to lose, and so much to gain. Now's good!

If you have a friend with similar interest, do share this episode: this might be the start of a supportive writing group.

Deborah Shepard is an author, oral historian and film and art historian. She has also been a lecturer in Film, TV and Media Studies at the University of Auckland.