How To Love Yourself No Matter What

You went to couples counseling to fix things. You sat on the couch, you did the homework, maybe for years, and now you feel worse than when you started. On top of that, you’re more convinced than ever that you’re the problem. You’re not, and your marriage might not be doomed either. You may just need a different approach.
In this episode I talk about why traditional couples counseling so often leaves people depleted instead of connected. You walk in and complain about each other with the other person sitting right there, you argue in front of an expert, and every session starts with what’s wrong. I share my garden analogy: you can’t get a flower garden by pulling weeds forever, you have to plant flowers. Then I walk you through what I do with clients instead: getting regulated first, learning to deal with your own emotions, getting clear on your needs and your partner’s needs, seeing each other as whole, messy people, and separating what you’re responsible for from what they’re responsible for.
I also share my own entry point into coaching. I hired a marriage coach who never talked to my husband once, she’s never even met him, and we fixed what was going on in my marriage. My husband is still the same person. What changed was me: I learned to regulate, to deal with my own emotions, and to show up as his partner with boundaries in place. It didn’t just fix my marriage, it changed how I showed up with my kids, my dad and my friends too.
Key Takeaways:
Couples counseling often starts from blame, which keeps you both defensive and wounds instead of connects.
You can’t fix a relationship from depletion. If all you do is pull weeds, all you’ll ever see is weeds.
You can’t ask for what you want when you’re dysregulated, so regulation comes first.
No one person can meet all your needs, not your husband and not your wife.
You’re responsible for what you think, feel and do, and so is your partner.
Whether you stay or go, this is the foundation you make that decision from.
If you’ve tried couples counseling and it isn’t working, it’s not because there’s something wrong with you. The next best step is booking a discovery call. We’ll walk through what working side by side with me could look like for you and your relationship. And if you want more of this in your ears, my Stop Overthinking class runs every week.
Links referenced in this episode:
https://amandahess.ca/bookacall
https://amandahess.ca/overthink

Letting go of your kids is a skill, and nobody teaches it to you. When they’re small, their survival is your job, so you learn to watch everything, manage everything and fix everything. Then they grow up, the job changes slowly, and your brain keeps doing the old one anyway.
In this episode I talk about why your teenagers and adult children take up so much space in your head, and what to do about it. Seven women told me this week that their relationship with their adult kids is the heaviest thing on their mind. I walk through the two things that have to happen at the same time: learning to let go of what they do and how they do it, and learning to grieve the role you’re losing. I also talk about why the overthinking is really just fighting the feeling, and why unconditional love is a renewable resource with no downside, even when you’re holding a boundary.
I have a 19-year-old and a 16-year-old, so this isn’t theory for me. I still remember bringing my first baby home and realizing there was no quitting this job. My kid was up at the crack of dawn, so I was up at the crack of dawn, even after feeding him all night. Becoming a mom is what cracked me wide open and sent me looking for a different way to deal with my emotions. Learning to let go of that role has been just as big as taking it on.
Key Takeaways:
Letting go is a skill you build, not something you should already know how to do.
You grieve the role you had with your kids, and that grief is yours to feel, not theirs to fix.
Overthinking is your brain fighting a feeling it doesn’t want to feel.
Your kids are not a reflection of you. They’re their own people with their own brains.
What you think and the energy you bring matter more than what you say.
Unconditional love doesn’t mean letting anyone walk all over you.
If this one hit home, come to my free class, Stop Overthinking. I run it every week and show you exactly how to stop the replaying. And if you want to talk about what’s going on with your own kids, book a free discovery call with me. We’ll look at your situation, put a plan together, and see if coaching is the right fit.
Links referenced in this episode:
https://amandahess.ca/overthink
https://amandahess.ca/bookacall

If you’re an overthinker, you’ve probably been told to calm down, think more positively, or learn to meditate. I don’t think that’s what’s missing. Your brain is a workhorse. It wants to work, and if you don’t give it something to do, it’s going to go find problems. And it will always find them.
In this episode I talk about why your survival brain goes looking for danger when there isn’t any real danger in your day-to-day life, and how it ends up locking onto the dirty look, the text your kids didn’t answer, the thing you said 20 years ago, and every what-if about the future. I talk about why taking everything off your plate isn’t the answer, and the counterintuitive approach I use with my clients instead: giving your brain a hard job to do that has nothing to do with anything.
I also share a conversation I had with my husband about the fact that some people don’t have a voice in their head. He doesn’t. He was shocked to find out that some of us have a narrator running all day long. And I talk about why I lift heavy, why I figure skate as an adult, and why I’m learning to play the guitar this fall.
Key Takeaways:
Your brain is built to look for danger, and when it can’t find real danger, it creates problems to solve.
There is no version of taking everything off your plate. The complexity in your life is also the richness of your life.
Seeing more bad news doesn’t mean the world is more dangerous. It means your input has gone up.
You don’t need to think the right thing. You need to give your brain a better job to do.
A hard job that has nothing to do with your kids, your husband, or your work lets your brain put everything else down for a while.
When your brain gets that rest, you’re more regulated and you have more logic available to deal with the real problem.
I’m teaching a live class every week called Stop Overthinking, where I walk you through this along with every other piece of the process for stopping that anxious looping. Go to amandahess.ca/overthink to register. Come live if you can, you’ll get the most out of it. If you can’t, you’ll get the recording. And this week, pick one hard thing that has nothing to do with anything, and go do it.
Links referenced in this episode:
https://amandahess.ca/overthink

A few weeks ago I got a no. I applied for something I really wanted, something that would have been a big deal for me and my business, and I didn't get picked. I'm not going to tell you what it was because it doesn't matter. What matters is what happened in the 4 seconds after I read the email, when my brain was off and running with every reason I wasn't good enough and every argument for making myself smaller so it would never happen again. That moment is what this episode is about. Not the no. What you do with the feeling that shows up right after it.
In this episode I talk about the lie we've all been told, that emotions are something you can control, and what to do instead. I walk you through the reframe that landed for me driving in my car: your emotions are employees you don't get to fire. They show up to every meeting whether you hired them or not. You're their boss, but being the boss has never meant getting rid of them. It means respecting them, knowing them by name, understanding where they're coming from and what they feel like in your body, and then deciding what you're going to do with what they're offering. I also talk about why your capacity for this will be lower when life is hard, and what being a good boss to your emotions actually requires of you.
I use figure skating to show you how this works in real time, because I just competed less than a month ago and the adrenaline dumped into my body exactly the way it always does. Fear showed up and told me to run. I didn't argue with her and I didn't pretend she wasn't there. I said, of course you're here, let's go, and I used that energy for my jumps. Shaky arms, shaky legs, brain trying to devolve, and me in the middle of it going, no baby, dig in, where's the music, what's next. That's what being the boss looks like. It's the same thing my clients go through when they're dating and terrified of liking someone who won't like them back. Same emotion, same body, same job.
Key Takeaways:
You don't control your emotions. Nobody does. Every plan that starts with "I just need to stop feeling this" fails, and then you make the failure mean something about you.
Your emotions are employees you can't fire. They're always on the team. Being the boss means leading them, not getting rid of them.
Respect comes first, and respect means acknowledgement. You can't acknowledge a feeling you can't name, so get an emotions wheel and move past "anxious, sad, mad."
Understand where it comes from (the thought or belief underneath) and what it feels like in your body. You can't lead someone you don't understand.
Then decide. Is what this feeling is offering what we're going to use, in the way it's offered? If not, how are we going to redirect it? Fear becomes fuel. You go anyway.
Being a good boss to your emotions means sleep, regulation, things that ground you, and getting support where you need it. Your capacity will be lower when life is hard, and nothing is going wrong when it is.
If you're exhausted from overthinking and stress, come to my free weekly class. I'll teach you this concept and several others so you can start feeling at home in your own brain. Sign up at amandahess.ca/overthink. And come find me on Instagram at theamandahess and message me what you took away from this one. I'd love to answer your questions.
Links referenced in this episode:
https://amandahess.ca/overthink
https://www.instagram.com/theamandahess

Bittersweet is the feeling of saying hello and goodbye at the same time, and if you're resisting it, you're in a lot more pain than you need to be.
In this episode I talk about the seasonal change we're in right now, both the one happening outside your window and the one happening in your life. Kids leaving home, parents aging, friendships shifting, chapters closing before the next one has really started. I see it in my clients in their 20s who are anxious to make spring happen faster, and I see it in my clients in their 70s who have bigger things landing on their doorstep every year. Fall is the season that unsettles people the most, and I break down why, plus the two things you actually need in place to let that emotion move through you instead of running from it: a nervous system that's regulated enough to feel safe feeling, and the skill of letting an emotion through. I also get into the difference between distracting and grounding, because the activity can look exactly the same and the intention changes everything.
I recorded this one a few weeks after driving to my skating competition with the low October sun coming through the window and the leaves starting to turn, and it hit me right in the chest. My mom passed away in August years ago, and that first fall without Sunday dinners at her house is still in my body every October. This is also the season my friend is in right now with one kid in university and one in grade 12, feeling anxious and depressed at the same time and wondering what's wrong with her. Nothing is wrong with her. That's bittersweet, and you can learn to hold it.
Key Takeaways:
Bittersweet is one of the most painful emotions to resist because resisting it means resisting what's really happening.
You are not wallowing. You're struggling with how to process an emotion nobody ever taught you to process.
Distracting and grounding can look like the exact same activity. The intention is what makes it one or the other.
Growing your capacity for emotion is not optional as you get older. Bigger life things show up, and you need to be able to hold them.
Once you know how to let an emotion through, it's just reps. But learning the skill is hard to do alone.
Emotional confidence around things ending is what lets you relax into a fall season knowing spring is coming.
If this is landing for you, book a discovery call with me. Learning the difference between distracting and grounding, and feeling safe while an emotion is moving through you, is exactly what I teach, and it is so much easier with someone doing it alongside you.
Links referenced in this episode:
The Creative Act: A Way of Being by Rick Rubin
Book a free discovery call: amandahess.ca/bookacall