How To Love Yourself No Matter What

The main point: a lot of us are essentially “cold-blooded” — meaning neurodivergent, ADHD-leaning, or simply sensory-sensitive — and our capacity to function hinges on the micro-environmental inputs we can control, so the real leverage is finding and installing your own “warm rocks.” I say this as someone who’s both lived it and coaches people through it: treating this as a physiological truth (think autonomic nervous system reactivity, interoceptive sensitivity, and increased allostatic load) reframes failures of willpower into predictable consequences of mismatched context and depleted executive function. Practically, that looks like environmental scaffolding and co-regulation strategies — noise-cancelling headphones, private rooms, scheduled solo sabbaticals, coaching that actually speaks our language — which reduce cognitive load, stabilize arousal regulation, and free up prefrontal resources for creativity and problem-solving. We unpack why school and many workplaces are “warm-blooded systems” expecting self-regulation, why that mismatch produces chronic survival mode for cold-blooded folks, and how compassionate, tailored interventions (behavioral scaffolds, rhythm-based routines, and targeted supports) create reproducible capacity. I also argue that coach–client pairing matters: a warm-blooded coach pushing platitudes won’t help a cold-blooded person, whereas a coach versed in neurodiversity and sensory modulation can provision the right hot-rock architecture. So, here’s my ask in jargon and plain English: identify one or two warm rocks this week, implement them (external supports + boundary engineering), and test the hypothesis that your environment, not your moral failing, is the variable you can change to feel better and do more.
Some of us are warm-blooded and some of us are cold-blooded, and if you're cold-blooded, your surroundings decide a lot more about how you function than you've been told.
In this episode I talk about a conversation I had with my colleague and friend Elena that shifted something big for me. She shared the idea that people with ADHD are often "cold-blooded." Like a lizard, they don't regulate their own temperature, so their environment plays a huge role in how well they can think, create, cope, and feel okay. Warm-blooded people can move through a messy house, no sleep, a loud room, and a packed social event and still get on with their day. Cold-blooded people can't, and most of us were raised in a warm-blooded world that expected us to act warm-blooded anyway.
I also share what this looked like for me at a recent international figure skating competition, why I couldn't create the way I wanted to while I was there, and the "warm rocks" I've learned to put in place for myself, like alone time as an introvert and being coached by people who understand how I tick. When you know you're cold-blooded, you can stop judging yourself for struggling and start giving yourself what you need.
Key Takeaways:
Cold-blooded people are deeply affected by their environment, and that's not something you chose
Most sensitive people, neurodivergent people, and a lot of women are more cold-blooded than we realize
Pushing through a cold environment while pretending you're warm drains a huge amount of energy
Warm rocks are the external supports that make the hard things easier: your space, your structure, your support, your alone time
Look at where you're struggling and ask what warm rock would make it simpler
Pick one or two warm rocks, put them in your week, and see what happens
If you want help figuring out where your warm rocks need to be and what they could look like, book a discovery call. We'll look at where you're struggling, what support you need in place, and how to structure it so it works for the way you're wired.
You are not the only one. I promise you that.
Links referenced in this episode:
https://amandahess.ca/bookacall
Takeaways:
I reframed my struggles through an ADHD “cold-blooded” metaphor — using thermoregulatory language and autonomic nervous system concepts to explain how environmental affordances and sensory gating impact executive functioning and creative capacity, which gives me permission to stop pathologizing myself.
We need to identify our “warm rocks” — concrete environmental and structural scaffolds that reduce allostatic load and optimize our cognitive bandwidth for sustained task performance.
I noticed that trying to perform high-demand tasks in a cold environment depletes my capacity, so we prioritize situational modifications like solitude, noise-cancelling headphones, or scheduled coaching to enhance sustained attention and creative output.
Because society expects warm-blooded norms, I argued for compassion and systemic accommodation: educational and workplace designs should integrate neurodiversity-informed ergonomics and predictable routines to prevent chronic regulatory overload.
I confess I use coaching as a personal hot rock — it's targeted external scaffolding that recalibrates my inner homeostasis, reduces executive friction, and helps me translate aspirational goals into implementable micro-behaviors (no shame, just strategy).
Practical action step: we pick one or two warm rocks this week — experiment with environmental tweaks, temporal structuring, or social boundaries, then monitor shifts in productivity, mood, and perceived capacity to see what actually increases our regulatory resilience.

Links referenced in this episode:
amandahess.ca/bookacall

I'm at an international adult figure skating competition this week, and it got me thinking about why we stop doing hard things — and what happens to us when we do.
This episode is about doing the hard thing. Not the hard things that life hands you without asking — the sickness, the loss, the layoff, the breakup. I'm talking about the hard things you choose. The ones where your brain says "maybe I could do that" and then immediately talks you out of it.
I tell you about getting a score of 11 when the skater before me got a 22, sitting in the kiss and cry trying to figure out what just happened, and why I skated away from that knowing I need to grow my capacity for embarrassment — not avoid it. I share the difference between tolerating embarrassment (grinning and bearing it, hoping it never happens again) and actually growing your capacity for it (feeling it all the way through, having your own back, and moving on to the next thing). I talk about why courage isn't a personality trait — it's a skill you build, and how you can be courageous in one area of your life and terrified in another. And I tell you about the skater who's brave enough to compete but scared to start her business, because that's exactly how it works.
I also tell you why paying the entry fee is the easy part, why "what do I think I can do?" is the wrong question, and why fulfillment isn't something you find — it's something that arrives when you start doing things that scare you on purpose.
Key Takeaways:
Life hands you enough hard things you didn't choose. You need to add hard things you do choose — things that scare you, light you up, and make you think "fuck yeah, I did that."
"What do I think I can do?" is the wrong question. It's the question that keeps you small, and it gets more tempting the older you get.
You won't die from embarrassment. I know because I've been dead last by a lot, and I'm still here. You need to grow your capacity to feel embarrassed, not avoid it.
Tolerating embarrassment is grinning and bearing it and hoping it never happens again. Growing your capacity is feeling it all the way through, having your own back, and moving on to the next thing.
Courage isn't a personality trait. Nobody is naturally courageous. It's a skill, and once you know how to grow it, you can grow it anywhere, on demand.
You can be courageous in one area and terrified in another. The skater who competes without flinching but is afraid to start her business? That's all of us.
Fulfillment isn't something you find. It's something that arrives when you start doing hard things on purpose — growing your capacity for embarrassment and your ability to create courage.
Book a call with me: If you listen to this and something in you goes "oh, that's me — I need that," I want to talk to you. It's a free discovery call, just you and me, and it is a courageous first step. It might be the first time you let yourself say out loud what you actually want.
Book it here: amandahess.ca/bookacall
I'm at my competition until Saturday and heading home Sunday, but I want to talk to you next week.
Links referenced in this episode:
amandahess.ca/bookacall

Something goes wrong and your very first thought is "what did I do?" An unexpected meeting lands on your calendar and you spend the whole week reviewing everything you might have messed up. Someone's in a bad mood and you're already scanning for how it was you. That reflex has a name, it's called internalized blame, and it is not the same thing as taking responsibility for your life. It's the thing that keeps you small, quiet, and convinced there's no solution because the problem is you.
In this episode I'm joined by my mentor, my friend, and the reason I'm a coach at all, Maggie Reyes. Maggie is a feminist marriage coach and she's been part of my life since 2018. We talk about the difference between personal responsibility (which shows you where your choices are) and internalized blame (which just tells you something is wrong with you), why women get this messaging everywhere all the time, and what to do when you catch yourself blaming yourself for blaming yourself. Maggie shares the question she gives every client who does this, the pattern interrupt she gave a client whose thoughts felt like an assault, and the one thing she wants you to remember when you feel stuck in a job or a relationship past its expiry date.
I told the "doing an Amanda" story again on this one, and Maggie told me what her mom used to say to her in Spanish. It turns out both of us grew up being ridiculed for things that were just our brains doing their thing. We also got a spider on my clock mid-recording and Maggie looked up what it means. Apparently it's personal power and being the author of your own life. I'll take it.
Key Takeaways:
Personal responsibility asks "what was my role in this?" and moves you forward. Internalized blame says "something must be wrong with me" and leaves you in shame with no way out.
Being embarrassed that you fell down, bumped into something, or lost your balance is blaming yourself for being human. Humans fall. Humans bump into things. That's not going away.
When in doubt, assume it wasn't you. Yes, it feels arrogant. Do it on purpose anyway, because the honest truth is most of the time it isn't you and you never even consider that.
Ask "what else is also true?" You don't have to suddenly think amazing things about yourself. You just have to make room for the other nine things that are also true.
When the thoughts come in like a rampage, don't fight them. "Thank you. I hear you. That may or may not be true." Say it as many times as you need to. Tug on the rope and the dog pulls harder.
You have choices. Most of us stay in situations that hurt us because we get amnesia about that. "What are my choices here?" is the question that changes everything.
Call to Action:
Book a call with me: If you listened to this and heard yourself in it, if your first reaction to everything is "what did I do," I want to talk to you. It's a free call, just you and me on Zoom, and we'll figure out what's actually going on and what you want to do about it.
You are not the only one. I promise you that.
About Maggie Reyes:
Maggie Reyes is a Master Certified Life Coach, feminist marriage coach, and mentor on a mission to help women find their power in all their relationships—starting with marriage. She works with high-achieving women whose marriages are loving, respectful, and quietly stuck, helping them create meaningful change without waiting for their partners to participate first.
Maggie hosts The Marriage Life Coach Podcast (top 2% globally, 200+ episodes) and is the author of the bestselling Questions for Couples Journal. Her background in HR leadership in the cruise industry and at a multi-state law firm gives her a sharp read on power dynamics and high-stakes communication that translates directly into her coaching.
Based in Miami, Maggie is a Cuban-American Filipina who brings a compassionate feminist lens to her work. She's currently obsessed with Heated Rivalry, and also loves Formula One and Bridgerton.
Links Referenced:
amandahess.ca/bookacall
Maggie's website: https://maggiereyes.com/
Maggie on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themaggiereyes/
The Marriage Life Coach Podcast: https://maggiereyes.com/podcast
Questions for Couples Journal: https://maggiereyes.com/

Somewhere along the way, you were taught there was something wrong with you. How you looked, how you spoke, how you were in the world. So you spent years trying to prove that wrong, and no matter how hard you worked at it, you kept coming up short. You don't feel like a hero. A lot of days, you feel like a loser. That's where this class starts, and it's why I called it The Anti-Hero.
This episode is the replay of the live class I taught this week, and I did it differently than I ever have. No slides. Just me, a whiteboard, and the women who showed up. In it I walk you through why the voice in your head never shuts up (it's not what you think, and you can't think your way out of it), what emotions actually are and why you've been playing whack-a-mole with them, and why shame is always a liar. I teach you the 3 steps I use with every woman I coach, in the order they have to happen: regulate, allow, think on purpose. And I tell you about the girl in the Babysitters Club books who I was never going to be, and why Loki is the character I want you to think about instead.
I also cried on this one. I didn't plan to. I was telling the story of the first time someone said to me "you were never the problem," and it caught me. I left it in, because that moment is the whole point of this class.
Key Takeaways:
The person you've been measuring yourself against was never real. No woman has ever been her, and you were handed her anyway.
That voice in your head isn't keeping you honest. It's your nervous system stuck in survival, and you can't reason with a body in panic.
Regulation isn't "calm down." It's pebbles on the other side of the teeter totter, small and daily, until the hard days don't tip you.
You don't need to tolerate more emotion. You need to grow your capacity for it, the same way you'd build a bicep.
Shame is a liar. It was trained into you, and anything that was trained in can be untrained.
It's not "how do I do this." It's "who do I need to become." You're one belief away, not one strategy away.
Book a call with me: If you listen to this and something in you goes "oh, that's me," I want to talk to you. It's a free call, just you and me on Zoom, and it might be the first time you've had someone completely on your side while you say the thing out loud.
Book it here: amandahess.ca/bookacall
You are not the only one. I promise you that.
Links referenced in this episode:
amandahess.ca/bookacall
Watch the class on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=po3p72xhYOE

Today I have my client Annabelle on the podcast, and I'm so glad she said yes.
When Annabelle and I first started working together, she was sitting in the car with her husband in tears. They had just moved from Denver to Northwest Arkansas with a 4 year old and no family nearby, she had opened a business a few months earlier, and she was working 12, 13, 14 hours a day. Not sleeping. Not eating. Opening her laptop first thing in the morning and adding to her to do list at 2am. And still feeling behind.
If you have ever thought "if I just work harder, I'll finally catch up," you are going to hear yourself in this conversation.
A year later, Annabelle doesn't work evenings. She doesn't work weekends. She doesn't open her computer on a Sunday. She has time with her son that she's actually present for, and her business has grown, not shrunk. Her husband left his job to come work with her.
We talk about what changed and how she did it. The 15 minute walk that sounded almost too simple to matter. Deciding when she stops working for the day, and then actually stopping. The guilt that came with both. Why her to do lists were making everything worse, and what she does instead now. How she stopped treating other people's emergencies like her own, and what it took to believe she was allowed to.
And I want to say this clearly, because Annabelle owns a business and you might not: none of this is about business. This is about what happens when you're rushing, guilty, and behind in your own life, and nobody ever showed you another way to live it.
In this episode:
Why working harder keeps you feeling behind instead of caught up
Regulating your nervous system in a way that actually feels good, not like another item on the list
The guilt loop: guilty at work, guilty at home, present nowhere
Boundaries that hold, and the belief you need underneath them
Why perfect isn't available and what to aim for instead
Letting things off your plate without deciding you failed

Annabelle designs beautiful custom closets at Up Closets of NW Arkansas. If you're in the area, go look her up. Find her here: https://upclosets.com/nw-arkansas/
You are not the only one. I promise you that.
Takeaways:
Working harder is not what gets you caught up. It's what keeps you feeling behind.
Your nervous system comes first. Everything else you're trying to fix sits on top of it.
A 15 minute walk sounds too small to matter, and it changed everything for Annabelle.
If you don't plan it, you won't do it. That goes for rest as much as anything else.
A boundary isn't something you ask other people to keep. It's something you decide and then hold.
Nobody's emergency has to become your emergency.
Perfect isn't available. Calm and honest is, and it works better anyway.
Letting something off your plate is not failing. It's choosing where your time actually goes.
You can have a full life and a growing business without burning yourself down to get it.

Want to explore working with Amanda? https://amandahess.ca/bookacall