How To Love Yourself No Matter What

Today we're talking about something I've wanted to make an episode about for a long time: infidelity. Specifically, the woman who cheats.
If that's you, I already know you're carrying a crushing weight — the secrecy, the panic, the shame society piles on top. Because we've all been told that cheating is the ultimate, unforgivable relationship sin. But after years of coaching and hundreds of women, here's what I've come to believe: cheating is the symptom, not the start. It almost never shows up in a vibrant, healthy relationship. It shows up after years of what I call the invisible sins — chronic emotional neglect, stonewalling, contempt, weaponized incompetence, being starved of affection and visibility. The partner who looks great on paper while you slowly disappear inside your own home.
This is a judgment-free zone. I'm not here to make excuses or decide who's right and who's wrong. I'm here to explore what was actually happening, what was missing, and how you move forward.
So I ask the questions I ask in coaching. Before the affair ever started, what were you tolerating every day? Who did you get to be with someone else that you weren't allowed to be in your own relationship? Was it about the sex, or the feeling of being wanted and prioritized after years of feeling like furniture?
Here's the part almost nobody says: the perpetual giving is what created the vacuum in the first place. You were never taught how to know what you want. You were taught to perform — be a good girl, look good, keep it all together — and then you woke up one day feeling nothing. That's not selfishness. That's what happens after a lifetime of being told your desire is dirty and your job is to keep everyone else okay.
I don't do the shame-to-guilt thing you see all over the internet. Guilt is just as damaging as shame. And no — if you're listening to this, you are not a narcissist. What you need isn't more punishment. You've been holding yourself accountable every single day, or you wouldn't be here. What you need is to learn how to have your own back, how to move through the heavy feelings instead of shoving them down, and how to turn want and desire back on in every part of your life. When those things come online, everything else gets easier.
You were never the problem. And you are not the only one. I promise you that.
The free class: I'm teaching a class on all of this called The Anti-Hero — because you can be the hero of your own life even if nobody else sees it. Monday, August 24th at 12:00 PM Pacific, about an hour, completely free. Sign up at AmandaHess.ca/shame1 or through the link in the show notes. I'd love to see you there.
Takeaways:
Infidelity is often viewed as the ultimate sin, but let's be real: relationships can be super complicated and messy, with many hidden issues lurking beneath the surface.
Cheating is more of a symptom than the root cause of relationship problems, highlighting the need for deeper self-awareness and understanding of personal desires.
Many women don’t even know what they want due to societal pressures to perform and be ‘good,’ leaving them feeling empty and unfulfilled in their relationships.
In the quest for happiness, it’s crucial to learn how to advocate for yourself and embrace your desires, rather than feeling guilty or ashamed for wanting more from life.
Emotional neglect and invisible cruelties in relationships often lead to infidelity, as individuals seek validation and fulfillment outside their primary partnership.
To truly move forward from any shame or guilt surrounding infidelity, it's essential to tackle those feelings head-on, developing a stronger sense of self and what you truly desire.

Links referenced in this episode:
amandahess.ca/Shame1

This episode is all about judgment: why we're so quick to hand out labels, and what happens when we stop. It started with a lightbulb moment at a family gathering that turned into a bit of a masterclass in how fast our brains reach for judgment over understanding.
We're digging into why choosing to believe that everyone — yes, even the guy who just cut you off in traffic — is doing their best can genuinely change how you move through the world. When we trade judgment for empathy, we lighten our own emotional load and make room for better relationships, too.
Grab your drink of choice and settle in — because understanding ourselves is the first step to understanding everyone else.
Takeaways:
In a world filled with judgment, understanding that everyone is doing their best can radically transform our personal interactions and emotional well-being.
Our brains naturally categorize actions as good or bad, but breaking free from this binary thinking can lead to more compassionate relationships.
Being a life coach means navigating through my own judgments while helping others; it's a continuous journey of self-discovery and empathy.
When we approach difficult interactions with understanding rather than judgment, we create an environment where everyone can thrive, including ourselves.

Links referenced in this episode:
amandahest.ca/bookacall
instagram.com/theamandahess

Life is messy. Yours, mine, everyone's. And somewhere along the way we decided that was the problem. Something to clean up before we're allowed to be happy.
It's not.
I'm Amanda Hess, certified life coach, and this episode is about a trap I watch women live in for years. The "I'll be happy when." When the house is calm. When the hard thing is over. When I finally have it together.
The messy and the hard don't come in a separate box from the beautiful and the fulfilling. Same box. Same life. It's 50/50, and that's not proof you're failing. That's just how it works.
So we stop waiting for the mess to clear. We lean in. And then we do the part that actually shifts things. We stop obsessing over what we're doing wrong and we start looking at what we want. Where we're going. Because that's the question that matters, and it's the one most of us never get to. We're too busy grading ourselves.
Takeaways:
The mess isn't blocking the good life. It's part of it. Stop waiting for a cleaner version that was never coming.
"Once I clean this up, then I'll thrive" is the trap. The hard and the beautiful come together. Same life, same day, both at once.
Life is 50/50. When you stop reading the hard half as proof you're behind, you can finally be where you actually are.
Drop the idea of "normal." Chasing it keeps you measuring your life against a standard that doesn't exist.
The move that changes everything: stop obsessing over what you're doing wrong and start building what feels right. What do you want? Where are you going? That matters more.

Links referenced in this episode:
amandahess.ca/bookacall

Summer isn’t always the sun-soaked paradise we imagine it to be, and today, we’re diving headfirst into the sticky, sometimes cringe-worthy world of summertime shame. It’s a unique flavor of shame that creeps up on us when we’re basking in the sun, and trust me, I’ve seen it pop up in all sorts of unexpected places. Whether it’s about how we look in a swimsuit or feeling like we should be doing more with our sunny days, this episode is all about unpacking that baggage. Together, we’ll explore why this shame is so prevalent and how it can drive our behaviors in ways that leave us feeling less-than-stellar. So, grab your favorite fruity drink, kick back, and let’s chat about how to recognize, confront, and ultimately embrace our summer selves without the guilt trip!
Takeaways:
Summer isn't just about sunshine and good vibes; it can also bring out some serious shame that we need to tackle head-on.
Understanding our shame during summer activities helps us reclaim our joy and embrace our bodies just as they are, flaws and all.
Shame often hides in the dark corners of our minds, but by bringing it into the light, we can explore and process it effectively.
Shifting our perspective on beauty standards allows us to redefine what we find beautiful about ourselves, moving away from societal pressure.

Links referenced in this episode:
amandahess.ca/bookacall

Here's this episode: I'm going after the thing nobody wants to name.
Everyone tells you the problem is that you don't love yourself enough. It's not. The problem is shame. That's it. That's the whole thing. Shame is what shows up the second you're anything less than perfect, and every single human on the planet has it — but women get handed a bigger pile of it. We're taught to feel shame about our bodies, our parenting, our work, the way we take up space in a room.
So no, I'm not going to tell you to love yourself harder. I'm going to ask you to look at the shame first.
I get into where it actually shows up — standing at a party feeling like you don't belong, swallowing what you were about to say in a meeting because some part of you decided it wasn't worth hearing. I tell you about my own. Because you can't love your way past something you won't look at.
Self-love isn't a place you arrive at. It's what happens when you stop running from your shame and get to know it instead. That's how you get your power back.
Takeaways:
Self-love isn't about lacking shame; it's about embracing and navigating through it effectively.
Shame is a universal experience; we all feel it, but it's how we handle it that matters.
We're socialized to feel shame, especially as women, which can sabotage our self-worth and happiness.
True self-love is an active, ongoing process, not just a one-time affirmation in front of a mirror.

Links referenced in this episode:
amandahess.ca/bookacall