Becoming Me

Episode 166
In this bonus mini-episode,  I share what it's like to taste the fruit of a nine year long interior integration and healing process of my family of origin complex trauma. I describe in concrete terms what this feels like in my body and in the impact I see it has on the rest of my family. I hope this encourages those who are similar healing journeys!
Watch on YouTube here.
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Episode 165
Have you ever wondered why some people deconstruct not only their religion but also their entire faith in God, while others deconstruct aspects of organised religion yet retain a relationship with the divine or even with the Christian God?
In this episode, I explore the distinction between deconstructing our notions of God and deconstructing the institutional aspects of faith like Christianity or Catholicism. Drawing from personal experience, I discuss how our individual deconstruction journeys unfold differently based on the depth of our personal encounters with God versus what we've been taught through religious tradition.
In this episode I discuss
• The difference between deconstructing religion vs. deconstructing God
• How personal mystical experiences shape our faith journey
• How conflicting imprints about God in our nervous systems can create an insecure, “disorganised” or confused attachment with God
• Understanding "spiritual but not religious" in the context of deconstruction
• The apophatic (mystical) tradition in Christianity
Watch this recording on YouTube.
RESOURCE
James Finley, The Healing Path: A Memoir and an Invitation
CHAPTER MARKERS
0:00 Why do some lose faith in God and some do not?
1:32 The Commenter's Argument
3:31 Deconstruction Beyond Intellect
8:13 James Finley's Story
14:01 Spiritual But Not Religious
17:42 When Personal Encounters Make God Real Beyond Doubt
21:32 Conflicting Imprints of God in the Nervous System
25:49 When Faith Depends on Constructs
41:30 Beyond the Visible Church
42:30 The Apophatic Tradition
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Episode 164
In this episode, I talk about how moral injury can be connected to or trigger deconstruction. This is a topic that has been deeply significant in my own journey of interior integration and healing.
Moral injury is the damage done to one's conscience or moral compass when we perpetrate, witness, or fail to prevent acts that transgress our own moral beliefs and values. Originally studied in war veterans, this concept has helped me understand the trauma I've experienced in relation to the Catholic Church and spiritual harm.
I share how moral injury doesn't just happen when we're directly involved in something wrong—it can occur when we're spectators to injustice, when institutions we trust betray their stated values, or when spiritual leaders remain silent in the face of harm. I also explore how we often defend ourselves against moral injury through rationalisation, and how the journey of interior integration requires us to become more embodied and truthful about reality.
This episode is deeply personal as I reflect on my own experiences of deconstruction—not as a total loss of faith, but as a necessary dismantling of religious frameworks that could no longer hold the truth I was encountering in my relationship with God.
Watch this recording on YouTube.
CHAPTER MARKERS
0:00 Introduction: Moral Injury and Deconstruction
2:41 What is Moral Injury?
3:26 Origins in War Veterans Studies
5:13 Moral Injury as Spectators
7:45 Current Events and Personal Experience
10:57 Betrayal by Spiritual Leaders
22:54 Cognitive Dissonance and Defense Mechanisms
31:23 Interior Integration Journey
33:42 Naming Harm in Family Relationships
42:39 Becoming Embodied and Seeing Truth
46:09 Deconstructing the Church
51:25 Relationship with God Through Deconstruction
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Episode 163
In this episode, I dive into one of the most challenging aspects of deconstruction: trying to explain it to others who haven't experienced it themselves.
I respond to a thoughtful question from a follower about how to remain committed to the church while being honest about its limitations during deconstruction. But as I share, this question itself reveals the gap between those observing deconstruction from the outside and those living through it.
What I explore in this episode:
Why deconstruction can't be fully understood from an intellectual or conceptual level alone
How trauma plays a central role in the deconstruction process
Why it's impossible to "hold onto the good" while deconstructing—and why that's okay
The difference between critiquing the church and actually deconstructing your faith
Why deconstruction feels like drowning, like having your entire container of faith fall apart
How my own journey with family trauma mirrors my faith deconstruction
Deconstruction is disorganised, chaotic, and impossible to neatly explain even to ourselves. If you're going through this process, I hope you feel seen. If you're trying to understand someone who is, I hope this gives you compassion for how difficult it is to put into words.
Watch this recording on YouTube.
CHAPTER MARKERS
0:00 Introduction
6:22 Unpacking a Follower's Question
11:21 Reading the Question
16:25 Deconstructing the Container, Not Just the Content
18:18 Seeing the Harm in Church Structures
37:22 You Can't Hold On While Letting Go
45:13 My Family of Origin Story
55:39 God Wants Freedom for Us
57:47 External Critique vs. Interior Journey
1:02:00 Closing Thoughts
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Episode 162
Welcome to my first episode of 2026! After a six-week break, I'm returning with greater clarity and readiness to share about a topic I've been living through: deconstruction.
In this episode, I'm opening up about my personal journey through deconstruction—not as an outside observer, but as someone who has walked (and is still walking) this difficult path. 
What I Cover:
• Why lived experience matters when discussing deconstruction—and why resources from those who haven't gone through it often fall short
• The crucial connection between deconstruction and trauma that's often missing from conversations
• Why deconstruction is an embodied, multidimensional experience that can't be reduced to intellectual analysis alone
• The mystical dimension of deconstruction and what it means to leap into the abyss with no guarantees
• How deconstruction relates to spiritual midlife and the transition into the second half of life
• Why I had to be willing to let go of everything—even my identity as a "good Catholic"—to follow where Christ was leading
This is the beginning of a season exploring deconstruction from multiple angles. I'll be addressing questions listeners send me and diving into the many facets of this complex, painful, and ultimately transformative journey.
If you're going through deconstruction yourself, I hope this offers you some companionship and validation. If you're trying to understand what someone you love is experiencing, I hope this gives you insight into the depth and sacredness of this process.
Watch this recording on YouTube.
CHAPTER MARKERS
0:00 - Introduction: Why Now?
9:37 - The Importance of Lived Experience
21:01 - Deconstruction and Trauma
29:42 - Trauma-Informed Lens to Reactions Towards Deconstruction
38:01 - The Integrative Lens
44:24 - The Mystical Dimension
51:57 - No Guarantee in Deconstruction
56:45 - The Second Half of Life
1:01:25 - Closing Thoughts
Support the show
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If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.