Dear Dr. Tracy

Dr. Tracy shares a shift that changed how she does couples therapy: most couples think their problem is communication, but often the real blocker is shame. You can have all the scripts, “I statements,” and conflict tools in the world, but when shame shows up, it hijacks the conversation and turns it into a survival response instead of a problem-solving moment.Dr. Tracy breaks down the crucial difference between guilt and shame. Guilt says “I did something wrong” and can lead to repair. Shame says “I am wrong” and pushes people into defensiveness, shutdown, counterattacks, perfectionism, or self-loathing. She explains what’s happening in the brain when shame activates: the prefrontal cortex goes offline, the threat system takes over, and you can’t “logic” your way back into connection.You’ll learn the five ways shame tends to show up during hard conversations, why it’s often rooted in early family conditioning (criticism, withdrawal, emotional invalidation, comparison), and how couples can start creating the emotional safety needed to actually talk about the real issue. Dr. Tracy walks listeners through how shame spirals derail connection, and offers a practical pathway back: pausing, naming what’s happening, asking for safety, and softening enough to rebuild the bridge before returning to the problem.LINKS FROM EPISODE:

Scripts for Difficult Conversations - Find out more Here

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Ever catch yourself saying, “I shouldn’t have to tell you this” and immediately feel your brain power leak out through your ears? In this bite-sized episode, Dr. Tracy names a sneaky mental load pattern: “renting mom’s brain.” It’s those constant micro-asks, where’s my hat, did you see my keys, what are we doing for dinner, that pull you out of your own task to manage someone else’s.Dr. Tracy breaks down how this becomes a self-feeding loop: the ask, your automatic solve, and then…more asks forever. She shares a recent “hat moment” with Greg that revealed the role of autopilot, plus practical, do-this-today steps to shift the dynamic without blame, shame, or turning your home into a cold war.

LINKS FROM EPISODE:

Grab the Weekly Intention for less than a cup of coffee a month.

Are You On Relationship Autopilot? Apple Podcasts Link

Are You On Relationship Autopilot? Spotify Podcast Link

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Ever had the moment where your partner says, “I did it,” but somehow…you’re still the one cleaning up the aftermath?

In this episode, Dr. Tracy is joined by her husband Greg to talk about a surprisingly specific (and wildly common) mental load issue: not “closing the task.” Using their real-life bath time example, they break down how tasks have a beginning, middle, and end, and how skipping the “end” quietly transfers labor, time, and emotional energy to the other person.

They also explore why this pattern often isn’t malicious, it’s autopilot, mismatched expectations, and unspoken definitions of what “done” actually means. Most importantly: how to bring it up without triggering the classic couple cycle of resentment and defensiveness.


What “closing the task” means (and why it matters more than you think)


Why “I helped” can still leave one partner feeling like the street cleaner after the parade


How unspoken task definitions create conflict (hello, “I cleaned the kitchen”)


A gentler way to introduce the concept using curiosity, not criticism


Why “diffusion of responsibility” often lands on one partner by default


How single-tasking (not multitasking) supports follow-through and reduces friction

LINKS FROM EPISODE:

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In this short From the Couch Q&A episode, Dr. Tracy responds to a listener who feels crushed by guilt after she and her husband chose to go no-contact with his sister (and her family) after years of escalating conflict.

The listener shares that the tension started around their engagement, with ongoing attacks, scapegoating, and a painful pattern of being blamed for “destroying the family.” Dr. Tracy offers a crucial reframe: in many in-law dynamics, the partner didn’t “ruin” the family, the family system changed when the couple formed their own unit, and some people fight hard to pull things back to the way they were.

Dr. Tracy explores the complexity of sibling bonds and family roles, including how guilt and blame can become part of a bigger system (triangles, rescuer roles, unspoken expectations). She also names the emotional whiplash many people feel in estrangement: relief and grief at the same time.

LINKS FROM EPISODE:

Order my new book! ⁠⁠⁠⁠You, Your Husband, and His Mother⁠⁠⁠⁠

My first book: I Didn't Sign Up for This

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In this episode Dr. Tracy slows down one of the internet’s most popular relationship labels: weaponized incompetence. She names why the term resonates so deeply, especially for women carrying the mental load, and why it can feel like oxygen to finally have language for exhaustion, invisibility, and resentment.

But Dr. Tracy also brings nuance to a conversation that often gets flattened. She explains that “weaponized incompetence” isn’t always rooted in intentional harm or laziness. Often, what looks like incompetence is tied to learned helplessness, gendered socialization, fear of failure, shame, conflict avoidance, and unspoken agreements that form over time. The “weapon” isn’t always intention. It’s the outcome: one partner becomes the manager, the other becomes the assistant, and resentment grows in both directions, just with different faces.

LINKS FROM EPISODE:

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Dr. Tracy's First Book I Didn't Sign Up For This Book

RESOURCES

Get Relationship Support ⁠Inside ⁠⁠Be Connected⁠⁠⁠

Order my new book! ⁠⁠⁠You, Your Husband, and His Mother⁠⁠⁠

Want your questions answered on the show?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Submit them here!⁠⁠⁠   ⁠⁠ 

Discover your relationship negative cycle with my free quiz:⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Take it here⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Ready to deepen your connection?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Download my 100 Questions⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

FOLLOW DR. TRACY

Subscribe to the podcast⁠ ⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/@drtracyd⁠⁠⁠

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