The Kevin Miller Podcast

The concept of trauma has gotten more focus than ever, as of late, it seems. But I feel much of what gets labeled trauma is the pain of loss. Losses we don’t know how to, or maybe never will, reconcile. I don’t claim having trauma in my life, but I have loss that I don’t think I’ll ever get over. I don’t want to minimize trauma at all, but I feel even more people resonate with the concept of loss. Even if it stems from a tragic trauma. And what I’ve been considering is some losses I don’t expect or even intend to “get over.” They are now a part of me. And, I want to thrive in my life anyway. My guest knows much about this, not only from his own life, but with experience with so, so many people. Lee Warren is a neurosurgeon. Every day he is dealing with people who may lose some of their cognitive abilities, or their lives. And he deals with their loved ones who are losing someone significant in their lives. This is Lee’s life. In addition, Lee knows what I’ll call straight-up, big T Trauma. On August 20, 2013, his nineteen-year-old son Mitch died of multiple stab wounds to the neck. Mitch’s best friend died along with him with one stab wound. Whether the knife used to kill Mitch was in his hand or someone else’s, whether he was at fault or a victim, they will never know. An unsolved murder. This could have been the end of Lee. Obviously it was not. But he hasn’t gotten over it and doesn’t expect to. All this adds up to what I found to be a profound conversation that I’ve understood more as time has passed and I’ve experienced more loss. Lee has a book about all this, Hope Is the First Dose: A Treatment Plan for Recovering from Trauma, Tragedy, and Other Massive Things. And wherever you are listening to this podcast, you can find his podcast, just search for The Dr. Lee Warren Podcast.

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I don’t think we like to hear it, but there seems to be continual evidence that our culture is growing more risk averse, less willing to try new things, and as a result, becoming stagnant. Another data point on our reported, near all time low of subjective well-being. So I brought on an expert to discuss the issue. Ben Swire is an innovative thought leader on human connection and authentic living. Ben is an award-winning designer, writer, and former Design Lead at the iconic innovation firm IDEO, and he co-founded Make Believe Works where they help people build deeper relationships and discover their authentic purpose through creative activities. Ben has spent much of his time working with people and teams, helping them progress toward the things they really want. Ben says we all want inspiring experiences, meaningful work, and deep relationships. But those generally require risking vulnerability, inviting disappointment, and trusting others. So, we hesitate, settle to remain safe, and stay stuck. So he's worked to lessen the perceptions of risk, and this was why I had him on the show. Ben has a new book, SAFE DANGER: An Unexpected Method for Sparking Connection, Finding Purpose, and Inspiring Innovation. As you will hear, I really honed in on looking at what is really most at risk, and so often it is only our identity. Anxiety about what people might think. I’m not going to cheerlead that everyone quit caring what others think, but I’m definitely working to shine light on the issue and help us see how unfounded the concern often is.

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I believe much of what motivates our life perspective and choices is around protecting ourselves. It’s human nature. I’m not talking about self-absorption, but even amongst the most giving and serving and confident of people, I still experience a lot of motive and behavior around self-protection. I’m including myself in this as well. My guest today has a very unique perspective on this concept. My guest is Jordan Grumet. Jordan was an internal medicine physician who left clinical practice to devote himself to hospice care and deep conversations about life. Jordan walks with people who are given an end of life diagnosis and watches a phenomenon happen right before his eyes. Jordan says, “We are all living versions of stories, but when a person is diagnosed with a terminal illness and death becomes a near future certainty, something remarkable happens: the self-protective stories about identity, work and money crumble, leaving them with clarity about who they are, what they love, and what really matters.” He then cites they become free, as there is no reason to hold up pretense and no need to protect themselves. Their focus shifts from fear of loss toward the possibility of what can still be gained, and people focus on true desires, generally for the first time. The tragedy is they didn’t achieve this perspective, long ago in their lives. Which is why Jordan took his experience and wrote a book, Taking Stock: A Hospice Doctor's Advice on Financial Independence, Building Wealth, and Living a Regret-Free Life. He’s striving to help us leave our lives of self-protection and move to considering what is truly possible, now. Not waiting till death is imminent and we have a short time to do what really matters. You can connect with Jordan at his podcast, Earn & Invest

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How do you view your sense of self? Do you feel more or less understanding of who you are? How about those around you, friends, family, and others? Do you sense them as feeling more or less stable regarding themselves and their place in the world? I think it’s worth considering, and I feel a continued shift toward insecurity in an of ourselves, culturally. I have kids from 13 to 30 years old, from middle school to grad school, and I see and hear of consistent quandaries vs self and identity. But I’m 55 and even amongst my peers I feel there are struggles. My guest today has been researching this issue and as with so much of the human condition, feels our current age of tech and speed and constant transformation is having an effect on our sense of self. Patricia Martin is a cultural analyst and author whose insights have appeared in Harvard Business Review, The New York Times, Slate, and Psyche Magazine. She hosts the popular podcast, Jung in the World, as in Carl Young, and she is the author of four books including her most recent, and my focus here, Will The Future like You? Reflections on the Age of Hyper-reinvention. In the book, Patricia asks, “What if the harms of living an increasingly digital life go beyond undercutting our attention spans or blunting our social skills? What if it cuts deeper, to the core of who we are and who we know ourselves to be?” In this episode we explore the challenges that tech and the internet impose on the human psyche and discuss the processes that make us who we are. We also address three conditions Patricia cites as unraveling who we are: persona fog, chronic self-doubt, and cascading crossroads.  As is often the case, I hone in on understanding who we are outside of what we do and how we have grown to measure and judge our sense of self.

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First, I’m surely not saying that what you are or are not eating doesn’t matter. But after a decade of my own involvement in functional medicine, I see the biggest culprit for gut and digestion issues to be our minds more than anything else. I continue to meet people who are doing “all the right things,” eating clean, taking all the great supplements, exercising, getting good sleep, and they are still dealing with gut and digestive discomfort. I was the same. And I don’t have a magic solution like meditating or something for the mind. But I’m concerned that the normal lifestyle of busyness and fast paced and constant stimulation is going to overpower all your other efforts. So a few years ago I sat down with Dr Will Cole. I became aware of Dr Cole through Gwyneth Paltrow, as he is her functional medicine doctor and one of the providers in her Goop wellness and lifestyle brand and company. Will has admittedly become the health and wellness resource for a lot of influential people and if you visit his IG page with over 800k followers you’ll see many people you recognize. Will has a book called, Gut Feelings: Healing the Shame-Fueled Relationship Between What You Eat and How You Feel, and it gets more into the philosophy of our wellness than just clinical, prescriptive aspects. Which to me is the foundation. Your health and wellness will ultimately be a result of your own philosophy on health and wellness. Will actually coined the term, “Shameflammation”, which I encourage you to listen into. I find that shame is a reality with most men, and one they are ignorant of and prone to avoid even looking into. You’re going to hear some paradigm shifting information here on your health and wellness.

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