The Simplicity Parenting Podcast with Kim John Payne

In this episode, Kim John Payne addresses one of the more difficult themes parents face: a child's growing awareness of life and death. He explains that very young children experience only a little separation between themselves and the world, but as consciousness shifts and they move into the big-child world, questions about mortality naturally arise. This awakening often appears in play, and sometimes in statements that shock parents to the core, like "I wish I was dead" or "I wish I'd never been born."

Kim is clear that such statements must always be taken seriously. A parent should pause and consider whether to consult a family doctor or seek professional help, checking carefully for any self-harm ideation. Alongside that essential vigilance, he offers another lens: these comments are very often a call for connection. A child sensing their separateness from the world may be expressing a longing to feel close again, and death represents the ultimate disconnection in their developing understanding. Kim describes this as an age of mortality consciousness that peaks around eight, nine, or ten (what Carl Jung called the age of orphan fantasy), with smaller moments around three to four and six to seven. Rather than reacting in ways that invite more dramatic statements, Kim suggests coming alongside a child quietly: an "I remember when..." story, a cozy hug, a shared board game, or simply becoming "a big heart with ears" and listening. Drawing on his years as a school counselor, he notes how often such statements, once met with connection, reveal what's really going on, whether a falling-out with friends or a deeper feeling of loneliness.

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Correction: the Care Professionals Seminar dates in this episode are Saturday and Sunday, August 1st and 2nd, 2026 (not July). Registration closes July 31st: Click here to register

In this episode, Kim John Payne returns to his well-known transition tool, "your world, my world, our world," and examines it through a fresh lens based on parent feedback. The strategy involves first connecting with a child's world by sitting beside them for a few seconds, then briefly sharing what you're about to do (my world), then making the transition together (our world). Kim's new emphasis is on three qualities that make this tool far more effective: making it small, pictorial, and light-hearted.

First, make it small. Rather than announcing the big transition ("we're getting in the car in a minute"), which has children metaphorically chaining themselves to the handrail, offer a tiny step: "I'm just going to set out your froggy boots." Second, make it pictorial. Adding imaginative detail ("I wonder if the froggy boots still fit, or maybe the red ones now that you're bigger") lifts the moment into a child's imagination, activating the limbic system and the empathy brain. Kim describes this as bringing one imagination alongside another, like two canoes coming together, rather than issuing a command. Third, make it light. A touch of levity in your voice, what Kim calls the "let's play voice," signals that something pleasant is about to happen together. When we use that voice, our eyes soften, our shoulders round, and our whole body language shifts from stiff command mode to playful invitation. Few children can resist a let's play voice. These three qualities keep the transition clear and directional while onboarding children so they're far more likely to move along willingly.

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In this episode, Kim John Payne reflects on something elusive but essential: the space between parent and child. He describes this space as being alive, not a void to be filled with words or busyness, but a conduit through which care, love, and presence flow. When we're in sync with a child, there's a current moving between us, sometimes calm and easy, sometimes turbulent, but always communicating something.

Kim explains that children's mirror neurons are constantly registering what we do and feel, even when nothing visible is happening. A child watching us wash dishes is already inwardly participating. Mirror neuron clusters around the emotional centers of the brain mean our sadness, joy, or calm radiates outward and is received through this space. If we can relax into this wordless flow rather than filling every moment with activity or instruction, life begins to simplify. Kim encourages parents to recover spaces of "just being," starting with car rides without devices. When a child says "I'm bored," we can simply be present with quiet care rather than rushing to fix it. The more we trust this space, the more children learn to decompress and stop filling silence with noise. Modern society sends an unspoken message that we should always be talking, always doing. But trusting that the space between us is alive is healthy for our nervous systems, healthy for our children's nervous systems, and most of all, healthy for our connection.

In this episode, Kim John Payne addresses the daily challenge of getting children to do difficult but regular tasks like music practice and homework. He introduces the "grit sandwich" principle: soft on both ends with firmness in the middle. The approach begins with connection before direction, moving close to a child's world for a few minutes through quiet play, watching their project, or simply sitting beside them. This connection doesn't need to be wildly exuberant or time consuming since you'll soon be transitioning to the harder task.

The middle layer is the practice or homework itself, which Kim strongly recommends making time-based rather than content-based. For younger children, 10 to 15 minutes is plenty. For tweens and teens, 45 minutes to an hour maximum, followed by a real break. This prevents both defeat from overwhelm and obsessive late-night homework sessions. During instrument practice, parents can accompany children by doing their own quiet work nearby: journaling, mending, craft projects. Kim cautions against phones or laptops, which cause parents to "excarnate" from a child's awareness. For teenagers doing longer homework, parents can touch in and touch out periodically, picking up a project for a minute before moving on. The final layer is another connection point: an "I remember when" story, reading from a chapter book together, baking, playing catch, or simply hanging out with a pet. Done ritualistically, this three-part structure helps shift hard things into opportunities to draw closer together.

In this episode, Kim John Payne addresses a common point of derailment in family life: when a child's impulses and desires collide with the needs of the larger family. He explains that children, especially young ones, lack the prefrontal lobe brain development to naturally see the bigger picture. They cannot easily grasp that a sibling needs to get to soccer practice, a parent has emails to answer, or a baby is crying. Their impulse is simply "I want this now,” “I need your attention now."

Kim offers a practical approach for these moments. First, recognize and name what the child wants so they feel heard. Second, give a time stamp, something concrete and visual for younger children (like "after I finish chopping these vegetables") or a specific number of minutes for older ones. Third, invite the child to be with you while you complete your task, perhaps with drawing supplies or beeswax to hold. Telling an "I remember when" story from the family's history reinforces the message that "us" matters alongside "me." When you do pause to help, Kim suggests breaking tasks into phases: you've finished your first part, now help them with their first part, then return to your next task. This models that not everything can be achieved in one go and that family life is a shared ecosystem where everyone's needs are balanced.

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📑 Simplicity Parenting Starter Kit

📲 Request a Consultation with Kim John Payne