BANG!

• Accentuate the Positive

  Sex positivity is the idea that all sex, provided it's healthy and explicitly consensual, is good. But what happens when a complicated theoretical idea like sex positivity gets packaged up for the mainstream? And which voices are missing from the conversation?Sex positivity is the idea that all sex, provided it's healthy and explicitly consensual, is positive.Philadelphia-based sex educator Melissa Fabello describes it like this:"Many of us live in sex negative cultures where sex is demonised and stigmatised, and we're not really given space to explore our sexuality in happy and healthy ways. Sex positivity says, 'Well no, sex and sexuality can be really beautiful, amazing part of the human experience... and we should give people the space to explore what sexuality means to them'."Sex positivity isn't a new idea, but since the early 2000s it's gone mainstream.In BANG! we've heard dozens of stories from Kiwis who found incredible freedom in embracing sex positivity, often rejecting sex-negative upbringings to do so.Shelley* told us about growing up in a Christian household, where virginity and purity were highly prized, and the struggles she faced as a 29-year old virgin who didn't hold those beliefs anymore.Rosie* shared how finding the label "autochorrisexual" to describe her specific type of asexuality, freed her from the shame of not being "normal" and helped her to open up to a few close friends.Henry* described the ways he worked through ideas about masculinity and sexuality to approach his premature ejaculation with a sense of humour and without embarrassment.Social media has helped facilitate the mainstream acceptance of sex positivity, but the messages have become oversimplified, and in some cases the pressure to be "positive" about sex can lead to problems..In this episode of BANG!, 18-year old Henrietta Fisher describes feeling pressure to hook up with a guy even though she wasn't sure she wanted to. The fact that her friends were trying to get the two of them alone and encouraging her to "get it girl!" made it trickier."It ended up happening and it made me feel terrible... Something I've noticed, especially with my female friends, it that the culture of sex positivity encourages them to go out and be promiscuous and experiment with their sexuality which is a cool thing... encourages bad and undesirable experiences for the sake of experiences," she says.Melissa Fabello says the idea that women want to be sexually liberated has been turned into an expectation that they have to be "up for anything."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

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• Kinky Boots

  What you think of as kinky and what I think of as kinky might be two different things, but it generally means behaviours and fantasies outside of the sexual 'norm'. In this episode, Melody talks with a bunch of kinky people about what gets them off and why, learns some great lessons about consent and asks the question - is it best we brought these practices out in the open, or are they best left behind closed doors? Kink is described as activities and fantasies falling outside of the "normal" boundaries of sex and intimacy.But what is normal? Light choking seems pretty kinky, but according to a whole lot of reports from women who have sex with men, the practice is increasingly common. Anal sex, too.Leaving aside incidences where consent isn't explicitly obtained (which is never OK) or where someone is coerced into going along with something they don't want to (also never OK), at what point does a kinky behaviour become vanilla*?In this episode of BANG! Melody Thomas speaks with kinky Kiwis about what they're into, how they negotiate consent, and what vanilla relationships could learn from their communities.Poet Hadassah Grace has just released her first collection titled 'How To Take Off Your Clothes' - based in part on her experiences working in the sex industry. As well as a couple of years stripping, she worked as a "prodomme' or professional dominatrix. But while Hadassah has dominated people both for living and for fun, and enjoyed it, at heart she's "really a sub"."My running joke is I want a feminist in the streets and a physical manifestation of the patriarchy in the sheets," she laughs.Hadassah's fantasies largely fall under the "dominance and submission" part of the BDSM acronym (the others are bondage and discipline - the B&D - and sadism and masochism - the S&M). And she's not alone. At the time of writing this article I was contacted by Madeleine Holden, writing for MEL Magazine in Los Angeles, to comment on a piece about men who were being asked to take on a dominant role in sex. A male friend recently confided in me how common it was to be asked by women he was having casual sex with to be choked or spanked.In fact research suggests that fantasies of being dominated are incredibly common among both women and men.The ways individuals interpret those fantasies depends largely on how they were socialised.For cis, straight men who were taught to be confident and not to show vulnerability, there can be a lot of shame around fantasies of submission…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

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• Sex and Relationship Q&A on Nights

  It's a BANG! takeover! RNZ Nights host Bryan Crump is joined in the studio by Melody Thomas and father-daughter sex advice duo Nic and Lena Beets, to answer questions from the audience and talk about common difficulties faced by people in long term relationships.Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

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• BANG! Live in Wellington

  Recorded at Bats Theatre in Wellington as part of the NZ Fringe Festival, this is BANG! Live. Featuring Tawa mum and sex toy expert Abby Lund, Morgana Watson on menstruation in Te Ao Maori prior to colonisation plus how to use your cycle to your advantage, and father-daughter sex and relationship advice duo Nic and Lena Beets answer audience questions.Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

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• Pretty Poly

  Ethical non monogamy is nothing new - but an increasing number of people are giving it a go. Research from the US reports that 4-5% of people identify as polyamorous, and 20% have tried a version of ethical non monogamy at some point in their lives. Here in NZ, memberships in polyamory Facebook groups and on websites like nzswingers.co.nz continue to grow. Melody Thomas speaks with ethically non-monogamous kiwis about how they manage their relationships, and experts offer some advice.In this episode of BANG!, Melody Thomas speaks with people practicing polyamory, open relationships, swinging, and "relationship anarchy". Plus Auckland-based counsellor Dee Morgan and co-author of polyamory handbook The Ethical Slut Janet W. Hardy give their advice. In the US, it's estimated that about 4 to 5 percent of people practice polyamory, and 20% have attempted some kind of "ethical non-monogamy" in their lives.The private NZ Polyamory Facebook group has more than 1000 members, KiwiSwingers.co.nz claims to have more than 100,000 people signed up and workshops and talks about how to open up your relationship are popping up around the country. Anecdotally, people who have been part of ethically non-monogamous communities for decades report that practitioners are a more diverse bunch than ever before.Janet W. Hardy, author of polyamory bible The Ethical Slut, says, "The nature of our audiences has changed... in the old days it was mostly Renaissance Fair geeks and old hippies and other people who were on the fringes, and these days it's everybody."Rosie Morrison, 27, grew up in Timaru. She first heard about polyamory when she moved to Wellington and met a bunch of people who were doing relationships differently."At the start I think I was pretty taken aback like, 'whoa that's radical!' She says. "By the end I was like, 'I want in! I want in, that sounds awesome."The word polyamory comes from two other words - poly, which is Greek for many or several, and amor, the Latin for love. Basically it's the practice of or desire for intimate relationships with more than one partner, where all partners are consenting and enthusiastically onboard.For Rosie, who had had various short term relationships and "summer flings" but had never felt herself able to commit to more, this new way of doing things was music to her ears…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

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