ADHD Mums

The mental load is not the doing. Everyone thinks it's the doing. It's the buy now, pay later maths you run when your partner tells you to rest — the hour you lie down and spend the whole hour calculating what this hour is costing you tomorrow. It's being the default parent, the one whose invisible labour only gets noticed the second it stops. And then, into that, walks the one who did the single most visible job in the house and needs you to see it. He mowed the lawn. He unpacked the dishwasher. Once. And he's standing in the middle of the kitchen, glowing, waiting for the medal.
CHAPTERS
00:00 — 'You rest, take a load off' — and why every woman's shoulders just went up
01:35 — Buy now, pay later: what an hour of rest actually costs you
02:39 — Dani, patron saint of this episode, and her four voice memos
03:19 — Kat's dishwasher, the border collie, and the dead bird at your feet
04:06 — 'Did you see the lawn?' The line that named the whole episode
06:37 — The barbecue vasectomy story (you'll want to sit down)
08:31 — The 3am texts, where it stops being funny — the wet bed, his one turn
09:42 — 'I'm stressed about the mess. What are you going to do about it?'
11:04 — The head lice question that broke everyone: 'or did you just decide that?'
12:15 — Why is it always her? Susan Walzer, 1996, and thinking vs doing
12:38 — He doesn't just do less. He's reading a different ledger.
13:33 — Why this isn't gaslighting — and why that makes it harder to fix
15:31 — What doesn't work: the chart, the PowerPoint, the tagging him in articles
15:50 — What actually works: handing over whole domains, not tasks
17:20 — How same-sex couples split it, and why they had to do it out loud
19:55 — 'You're a bit of a perfectionist' — what he actually means when he says it
What We Cover
Why 'you rest, I've got it' makes every woman's shoulders climb up around her ears — and the brutal maths hiding inside that hour of 'rest'
The border collie, the dead bird, and the exact face a partner makes when he's unpacked the dishwasher once and needs you to notice
The listener line that named this whole episode — and what she really wanted to say back
The barbecue vasectomy story, which has to be heard to be believed, and what six women two metres away were actually doing while he told it
The 3am texts, where the funny runs out — the wet bed and the one night it was his turn, and what he suggested instead of changing the sheets
The head lice question that undid everyone — three little words that turned a job she'd been doing for three months into something she'd apparently invented
Why it's her doing the tracking, the meds, the mattress — a piece of 1996 research, and a newer one that's sharper and more unsettling
Why he isn't lying and isn't gaslighting when he says the house is fine — he's genuinely reading a different ledger, and that's the bit that's hard to fix
The three things that don't work (you've tried all three), and the one thing that does — and it isn't a better chore chart
What a man actually means when he calls you a perfectionist — this one's going on a tea towel

Free Resources
Household Family Meeting Template — the closest thing to the 'hand over whole domains' conversation this episode is really about — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/
Paid Resources
Pre-Diagnosis Workbook — for the mum who's listening to this and starting to wonder about herself — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/prediagnosisworkbook/
ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/
Related Episodes
The Admin Husband: 'Do We Have Parmesan?' — Part 1 of this series —
https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/adhd-invisible-load/
What We Wish Our Partners Knew About the Mental Load — And How to Truly Support Us — S2 EP75 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-75-what-we-wish-our-partners-knew-about-the-mental-load-and-how-to-truly-support-us/
Making the Invisible Mental Load Visible: How to Share the Load Without the Stress (Part 3) — S2 EP73 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-73-making-the-invisible-mental-load-visible-how-to-share-the-load-without-the-stress-part-3/
The Invisible Job: Being the One Who Holds Everything Together — S3 — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-invisible-job-being-the-one-who-holds-everything-together/
References & Further Reading
Walzer, S. (1996). Thinking About the Baby: Gender and Divisions of Infant Care. Social Problems, 43(2), 219–234. https://doi.org/10.2307/3096999
(The 1996 study Jane cites — women do the thinking, men do the doing.)
Daminger, A. (2019). The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609–633. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419859007
(The four stages: anticipate, identify, decide, monitor — decision-making is shared, everything else falls on women.)
On same-sex couples splitting cognitive labour more evenly:
Pinho, M. & Gaunt, R. (2023). The management of cognitive labour in same-gender couples. PLoS ONE. (Same-gender couples negotiate the division explicitly rather than defaulting.)
On the newer 'different perceptions of the same household' research:
Weeks, A. C. & Ruppanner, L. (2024). A typology of US parents' mental loads: Core and episodic cognitive labor. Journal of Marriage and Family. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.13057
📬 Listener Questions & Community
🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)
Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.
Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313
Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313
👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group
👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox

Someone sent you the clip. Or your friend messaged about it. Or your mother-in-law forwarded it without comment and you sat there for a minute knowing exactly what she meant by that. The Diary of a CEO episode with Erica Komisar — the one saying ADHD isn't real, it's a stress response, and if your child has it the inconvenient truth is that you caused it. Two and a half hours long. Fifteen million subscribers. Ranked second on Spotify globally. So it doesn't stay in the episode — it gets clipped and reposted and lands in your DMs.
This is the debunk. Senior psychologist and ADHD assessor Amanda Moses is back — the actual person who spends her days doing the assessments. Fourteen years in the field, Australia and the UK. Amanda pulls the clips apart word by word. The genetics. The 'malpractice' claim about medication. The 1950s theory this whole episode is quietly rebuilding under a new name.
CHAPTERS
00:00 — The email from a listener that made me pick up the phone to Amanda
01:00 — What Erica Komisar is, and what she isn't
02:30 — Clip 1: 'ADHD isn't a disorder. It's a stress response.'
03:20 — Why the drop-the-D movement isn't about stress — and the heritability she's leaving out
06:03 — Clip 2: 'There is no genetic precursor to ADHD.'
07:30 — One minute there's no gene. The next minute there is. Which is it?
13:37 — Clip 3: 'The way we treat ADHD is malpractice.'
14:35 — Amanda on her own medication, and 'what do you mean people walk around like this for free?'
23:37 — Clip 4: 'When your child gets an ADHD diagnosis, the first thing you should do is see a therapist.'
25:17 — Refrigerator mother. 1950s. Same architecture. New diagnosis.
29:07 — Where Erica raised her children. And what she could afford to sacrifice.
33:17 — The economics that make her advice a fantasy for anyone under fifty
36:31 — Amanda's take-home: you did not cause this
What We Cover
The email from a listener that made Jane stop what she was doing and pick up the phone to Amanda
What Erica Komisar is not — three qualifications she doesn't hold, one of which will surprise you
The exact quote from clip one that Amanda says has nothing to do with the actual conversation the field is having
The number Steven Bartlett read out to Erica that she then argued didn't exist
The 1950s theory about mothers that was dismantled decades ago — and the sentence in this podcast that revives it word for word
What Amanda said about her own medication that Jane says she wishes someone had said to her three years earlier
The scaffolding Erica had that made her parenting choices possible — and why no woman under fifty has that same scaffolding now
The one sentence Jane wanted on the record because she couldn't say it professionally — Amanda's response is why you love her
Amanda's one take-home if your stomach dropped listening to that clip and you don't know where to go with the guilt

Free Resources
Household Family Meeting Template — for the load this episode is really talking about — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/
Explaining ADHD to Kids Guide — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/explaining-adhd-to-kids-parents-guide/
Paid Resources
ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/
Related Episodes
ADHD or PTSD? Why So Many Women Are Misdiagnosed — S2 EP82, with Amanda Moses — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-82-adhd-or-ptsd-why-so-many-women-are-misdiagnosed-with-amanda-moses/
Is It Social Anxiety — or Is It Autism? — S3 EP34, with Amanda Moses — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-34-is-it-social-anxiety-or-is-it-autism-with-amanda-moses/
References & Further Reading
On ADHD heritability (the 74–80% figure):
Faraone, S. V. & Larsson, H. (2019). Genetics of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Molecular Psychiatry, 24(4), 562–575. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41380-018-0070-0
On the polygenic architecture Amanda references (many genes, small individual effect):
Demontis, D. et al. (2019). Discovery of the first genome-wide significant risk loci for attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder. Nature Genetics, 51(1), 63–75. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41588-018-0269-7
On the 'refrigerator mother' theory Amanda names:
The term originated with Leo Kanner in the 1940s and was popularised through the 1950s and 60s (most notably by Bruno Bettelheim). It was dismantled from the 1960s onward as autism's biological and genetic basis was established.
About Amanda Moses
Amanda Moses is a senior psychologist, board-approved supervisor, and ADHD and autism assessor with over 14 years of clinical experience across Australia and the UK. She specialises in complex assessments — the ones that don't fit neatly inside the box.
Amanda offers clinical training and accessible resources for community members looking to understand autism and ADHD more holistically. Amanda's 'Understanding Neurodivergence Series' combine research, lived experience and practical reflection tools in a way that is clear and easy to follow. In 2026, the series was fully redesigned in collaboration with a professional designer and accessibility expert to improve visual accessibility and overall usability, while maintaining clinical depth. They are written for both therapists and neurodivergent people who want to better understand autistic and ADHD experiences. Each guide includes structured explanations and worksheets that can be used in therapy or independently. The focus is on supporting learning, self-understanding and strengths-based reflection in a way that is respectful and genuinely neurodiversity-affirming.
Understanding Neurodivergence Series: https://www.amandamosespsychology.com.au/clinicalresources/?categories[]=understanding-neurodivergence-series#category-tiles
Amanda's Instagram
📬 Listener Questions & Community
🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)
Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.
Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313
Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313
👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group
👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox

The mental load is the thing you couldn't name for years — the invisible mental load that means one adult in the house knows when library day is and one adult keeps asking. The one who anticipates, identifies, decides, and monitors, and the one who stands next to the dishwasher and shouts through to the lounge room to ask if it's clean. You've known the pattern for years. You've done the therapy. You've read the book. You've made the 1.2-metre colour-coded family planner. And he still texts you from home, from within arm's reach of the fridge, to ask about the Parmesan.
This week the ADHD Mums Facebook group broke open. So many messages, voice notes, and 4am DMs from women hiding in their own ensuites that Jane's had to split it into three episodes. This is Part 1 — the Admin Husband. Part 2 is the Gold Medal Husband next week. Part 3 is coming.
CHAPTERS
00:00 — The Facebook post that broke the internet
00:27 — Lisa. 4am. From inside her own ensuite. Husband asleep in the next room.
01:23 — Please stop asking us what time school pickup is
02:03 — Renee: 'I made the calendar. I bought the calendar. I put it up. I synced it to your phone.'
03:32 — Do men use Siri? A serious question.
04:59 — The 1.2-metre colour-coded family planner he walks past every single day
06:47 — He texts her the address of the program she set up, booked, paid for and drives to every week
09:26 — Parmesan. He's at the fridge. She's in Adelaide.
10:55 — The T-shirt drawer that hasn't moved in three years
12:20 — The 36-minute toilet holiday, and what he's actually doing in there
14:18 — Alison Daminger's four stages of the mental load — and which one he only turns up for
16:35 — Affordance perception: he isn't ignoring the crumbs. He genuinely can't see them.
19:16 — Same-sex couples don't do this. Which tells you something.
21:53 — 'Accidentally, lovingly raising the next man to look at a bench and just see a bench.'
22:36 — 'Just ask me if you need help.' Why that sentence is worse than no help.
What We Cover
The Facebook post that unleashed more DMs and voice notes than anything else on the show — including one from a woman messaging at 4am from inside her own ensuite while her husband slept in the next room
What Renee has done to try and stop her husband asking her what's on today for the seventh time before 9am — and why none of it worked
The 1.2-metre colour-coded family planner one member has installed on her wall. Her husband walks past it every single day. He hasn't looked at it once. She's been tracking.
Why he can find the remote. Why he can conduct a full detective investigation into a missing beer. And why the billboard is invisible.
The Parmesan text. From another state. Not a rhetorical device — a real message.
A sociologist who broke the mental load into four stages, and the one stage he actually turns up for
Two philosophers on why your partner isn't lying when he says he doesn't see the bench. He's not seeing it the way you're seeing it — and this is the bit that stopped Jane in her tracks
What the research on same-sex households is actually telling us — and it's not that men's brains are different
The 36-minute toilet holiday. The medical event. What he's really doing in there.
Why answering him when he shouts through from the kitchen is the exact thing that keeps you Siri
The sentence a Facebook group member said out loud that Jane hasn't been able to stop thinking about since — 'I'm accidentally, lovingly raising the next man to look at a bench and just see a bench'

Free Resources
Household Family Meeting Template — for moving off stage-three-only and onto shared stages one and two — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/
The ADHD Mums Facebook Group — where this whole episode came from, and where Part 2 and 3 are being built right now — https://facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast
Paid Resources
ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/
Related Episodes (the mental load / invisible labour series)
The Invisible Job: Being the One Who Holds Everything Together — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-invisible-job-being-the-one-who-holds-everything-together/
The Invisible Coordination Load: Why ADHD Mums Carry the Work Systems Won't — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-invisible-coordination-load-why-adhd-mums-carry-the-work-systems-wont/
The Hidden Cost of Being the Good Girl — How the Mental Load Became Ours — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-hidden-cost-of-being-the-good-girl-how-the-mental-load-became-ours/
References & Further Reading
Daminger, A. (2019). The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609–633. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419859007
Affordance perception — a framework from ecological philosophy (originating with James J. Gibson, developed further in gender and household-labour applications). This is a philosophical framework, not a clinical psychology finding. Cited as one lens that fits the pattern, not as a settled explanation.
📬 Listener Questions & Community
🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)
Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.
Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313
Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313
👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group
👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox

You know good girl conditioning because you've lived it. The self-editing. The 'whatever you want.' The 'I don't mind.' You spent your twenties in the wrong careers and your thirties in therapy, and you're still catching yourself doing it in your forties. And now you're watching your neurodivergent daughter start — the compliant one, the helpful one — and you don't know how to name it, let alone stop it.
CHAPTERS
00:00 — What the good girl actually loses (and nobody in the room notices)
02:16 — Interoception: the missing piece for a whole generation of mums
03:52 — Why you picked the worst careers and environments for you
06:35 — The nervous system cost nobody counts — going to the toilet on a bell
09:50 — The moment you edited yourself out before anyone even noticed
10:47 — Rachel's grade one birthday party, and what her mum saw
12:32 — The mum rage that arrived when it was her daughter's turn
15:14 — The four scripts that work better than any book or worksheet
19:17 — What we're actually reinforcing when we praise 'easy' behaviour
19:52 — The girls who look calm in the front row and panic on the inside
22:00 — The pool. The water slide. The moment Jane couldn't watch it anymore
28:03 — 'I don't mind' — the one thing every mum needs to understand about it
What We Cover
The one thing every good girl loses first, and it's not confidence — it's the ability to feel what's happening inside her own body
Why you picked the worst possible jobs, cities and relationships in your twenties, and never once asked yourself the question that would have saved you
What Rachel's mum watched her do at her own sixth birthday party — and the template it set for the next thirty years
The moment Rachel had to physically walk out of her own daughter's bedroom before she said something she couldn't take back
Why the kids who need therapy aren't always the ones throwing chairs — sometimes they're the ones with their hand up in the front row
The scene at the pool that Jane couldn't unsee, and what she did about it that nobody in the group was going to like
What we're actually rewarding when we praise the easy child, and what it costs her by fourteen
The four short scripts Rachel uses with her own kids that work better than any worksheet — and why role play beats reading a book every time
'I don't mind.' The one thing you need to understand about what's happening inside her when she says it

Free Resources
Household Family Meeting Template — the mental load, and getting things off one shoulder — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/
Explaining ADHD to Kids Guide — for the identity work with your daughter — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/explaining-adhd-to-kids-parents-guide/
Guest Links
Rachel Seiler — Play therapist and counsellor, All Kids Counselling (Queensland). Sessions available Australia-wide via Zoom.
All Kids Counselling
Related Episodes (start here if the good girl language is new to you)
You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now. — S3 EP35 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/
The Hidden Cost of Being the Good Girl — How the Mental Load Became Ours — S3 — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-hidden-cost-of-being-the-good-girl-how-the-mental-load-became-ours/
Stop People-Pleasing: The ADHD Mum's Guide to Boundaries, Balance, and Breaking Free — S2 EP50 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-50-stop-people-pleasing-the-adhd-mums-guide-to-boundaries-balance-and-breaking-free/
The Emotional Load of Raising Neurodivergent Girls and How to Lighten It — S3, with Katie Koullas — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-25-the-emotional-load-of-raising-neurodivergent-girls-and-how-to-lighten-it/
📬 Listener Questions & Community
🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)
Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.
Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313
Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313
👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group
For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast

It's 10:15 on a Sunday night. You've come out to the kitchen to rinse one pot. One. And now you're just standing there, not touching it — because the second you stopped moving, it started. The permission slip. The referral. Was it orange day. The group chat you didn't answer. The dog bowl. And underneath all of it, the thought that always turns up: what's wrong with you, everyone else can do this.
So you do the breathing. Four in, hold four, four out. Name it. I'm feeling anxious.
And nothing happens.
What We Cover
The Sunday-night sink — 40 thoughts arriving at once, none of them actually dangerous
Why the breathing didn't work, and why that isn't a you-problem — even I've been paid to teach this and still couldn't breathe it down
The two kinds of racing thoughts, and how to tell them apart in about four seconds
The shelf — why yours is smaller, why it won't file, and why the dog bowl and the electricity bill are screaming at exactly the same volume
What the friend who 'just handles everything' actually has that you don't
The fire blanket problem — what happens when the whole wellness industry hands you one tool and tells you it works on everything
The one question to ask instead: is something actually wrong, or is it everything at once?
Why the too-much kind doesn't want calming — it wants emptying
What you're really doing when you keep the TV on, scroll till your eyes shut, and say you 'just can't switch your brain off'

Free Resources
The Energy Accounting Guide — mentioned in the episode — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/
Household Family Meeting Template — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/
Paid Resources
ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/
Related Episodes
QUICK RESET: No, I Can't Meditate. I'm Too Busy Disassociating. — S3 EP47 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-47-quick-reset-no-i-cant-meditate-im-too-busy-disassociating/
When You Can't Relax Even When It's Quiet — What Your Body Is Doing and Why — S3 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/why-adhd-mums-cant-relax/
Anxiety & ADHD — S1 EP37, with Jessica Burgess — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-37-anxiety-and-adhd-with-jessica-burgess/
📬 Listener Questions & Community
🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)
Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.
Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313
Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313
👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group
For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast