ADHD Mums

For thirty years, ADHD has had one wanted poster. Loud, can't sit still, disrupting the class, talking back — a boy. And you weren't him. So you walked past every checkpoint in your life — the GP, the teachers, the report cards, the parent-teacher nights — and nobody stopped you. Maybe someone said you were bright, you just needed to apply yourself. Maybe you got 'conscientious' on every report card. And conscientious doesn't go with ADHD, does it?
Three different women can all have ADHD. All three can walk straight past that same poster on the wall, and not one of them gets stopped — because not one of them looks like the sketch. This episode is Jane putting three new posters up: the inattentive mum told to try harder, the 'too much' mum who apologises for her personality before she's said a word, and the 'fine' mum everyone leans on who's hanging off a cliff on the inside. See if you find your own face on the wall.
Take the self-test: https://preview.mailerlite.io/forms/768431/173992641938064622/share
Chapters
00:00 — The one wanted poster ADHD has had for thirty years
01:25 — Three women, one poster, and why none of them get stopped
02:17 — Who drew the poster — and why the quiet ones were never in the sketch
03:54 — One Monday morning, one clock, four different mothers
04:32 — The neurotypical mum, and where the difference actually shows up
05:54 — Profile 1: the inattentive mum, told her whole life to try harder
07:36 — The planner graveyard — six apps, four planners, three years of fresh starts
08:17 — Profile 2: the mum who's always been 'too much'
09:12 — Apologising for your personality before the conversation starts
09:39 — The drive home, and the tape that runs every single time
11:00 — Profile 3: the mum everyone says is 'fine'
11:50 — 'I don't know how you do it' — and why it doesn't land as a compliment
12:54 — Why she only rests when her body reaches up and stops her
13:35 — The real reason so many of us slipped through — it didn't cost anyone else
15:07 — If you've just been diagnosed: the relief, the grief, and what you can put down
15:56 — How we actually redraw the poster
What We Cover
The single wanted poster ADHD has been diagnosed against for thirty years — and why your face was never on it
Why 'conscientious' on every report card was a signal everyone read backwards
One ordinary Monday school run, four mothers, one clock — and the four completely different mornings happening behind the same front doors
Profile 1, the inattentive mum: the permission slip she looked at on four separate nights, and why no planner, app or alarm has ever held
The difference between a neurotypical mum forgetting the form and an ADHD mum forgetting it — it's not the forgetting, it's what happens next
Profile 2, the 'too much' mum: the verbal hyperactivity nobody put on a poster, and the tape that runs on every drive home
Why apologising for your own personality before you've started talking should be a diagnostic tick in its own right
Profile 3, the mum everyone calls 'fine': the one who looks the most together and is the closest to the edge, and why 'I don't know how you do it' makes her feel more alone
The uncomfortable answer to why so many of us went undiagnosed — not because our ADHD was lighter, but because it only ever cost us
What there is to feel if you've been diagnosed late — the relief, the grief for what might have been — and the part of it you're allowed to put down
How the poster actually gets redrawn, and the one small thing that starts it

Free Resources
Preparing for Diagnosis — for the 'oh, that's me' moment, and what to do next — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/preparing-for-diagnosis/
After Your Diagnosis Kit — for the relief-and-grief part, if you've already been diagnosed — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mum-after-diagnosis-kit/

Paid Resources
Pre-Diagnosis Workbook — the deeper 'get clear before you spend money on an assessment' version — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/prediagnosisworkbook/
Assessment & Diagnosis Bundle — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/bundle-adhd-diagnosis-assessment-guides/

Related Episodes
Too Much? Or Just Misunderstood: ADHD, RSD & the Power of Emotional Intensity — S2 EP83, Jane solo — the deep dive on the 'too much' profile — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-83-too-much-or-just-misunderstood-adhd-rsd-the-power-of-emotional-intensity/
ADHD or PTSD? Why So Many Women Are Misdiagnosed — S2 EP82, with Amanda Moses — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-82-adhd-or-ptsd-why-so-many-women-are-misdiagnosed-with-amanda-moses/
ADHD Mum: What You Need to Know After Your Diagnosis — S2 EP55, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-55-adhd-mum-what-you-need-to-know-after-your-diagnosis-solo-episode-with-jane-mcfadden/

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In the Facebook group there's a pattern that comes up again and again: the mum grows. She gets the kids assessed, she starts to recognise herself, she does the reading and the therapy and the work — and the husband lags behind. He won't consider that he's neurodivergent, or the problem is always someone else. The kids. The school. Her. And underneath it all is the question so many women are actually asking: how do I get him to see it, and is it even worth staying?
Emily Jade O'Keeffe's story runs the whole thing backwards. Her husband got diagnosed first — but only after they'd separated for 18 months, after the mudslinging and the lawyers, after she'd rebuilt herself from the floor up. This is the rare positive one: what happened when the diagnosis finally came, why she chose to help him when almost nobody would have, and the single question a marriage counsellor gave her that changed everything — 'is it arsehole or ADHD?'
CHAPTERS
00:00 — Meet Emily Jade O'Keeffe — 30 years in radio, and why she drove up from the Gold Coast
02:46 — The order most families discover it in — and why Emily's ran backwards
03:46 — 18 months apart: 'I was devastated, and he said can you just get over it'
06:07 — Rock bottom, and the call that started with 'you were right'
08:17 — 'I removed myself from the marriage and the problem was still there'
09:17 — The groceries, the tone, and the pressure that was never actually there
10:15 — PDA — a name for the thing Emily had been living without knowing
13:00 — The first six months: lawyers, mudslinging, and the awakening that stopped it
16:50 — 'I'll dance with my daughter's dad at her wedding' — the line that set the path
20:00 — 'I can't be the problem again' — why she wouldn't just take him back
23:30 — 'Is it arsehole or ADHD?' — the counsellor question that changed how they fight
26:00 — Woo back or woo up — how they actually communicate now
28:00 — The one thing she'd tell you to do first — and it isn't about him
What We Cover
The pattern Jane sees constantly in the group — the mum who grows while the partner stays certain the problem is everyone else — and how Emily's story ran the opposite way
What 18 months of separation actually looked like: the lawyers, the grief, and the slow realisation that leaving didn't fix the thing that was wrong
The moment her husband hit rock bottom and came back to the person he'd hurt most — and why she said yes
How undiagnosed ADHD and autism had been quietly rewiring every conversation — the groceries, the 'I miss you,' the pressure that was only ever in his own head
PDA — the framework Jane raises that gave a name to years of Emily's confusion (see the note below on the terminology)
Why Emily refused to simply reunite — 'I can't be the problem again' — and what she required instead
The Jennifer Garner line that reset her whole approach to co-parenting
The marriage counsellor's question that changed how they argue — 'is it arsehole or ADHD?' — and why a reason isn't the same as an excuse
What Emily says actually has to happen before a resistant partner will change — and the honest, uncomfortable truth about waiting for rock bottom
The one thing she'd tell any woman to do first, and it has nothing to do with him

RELATED EPISODES:
Struggling to Understand ADHD? Here's What Your Partner Needs You to Know — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-58-struggling-to-understand-adhd-heres-what-your-partner-needs-you-to-know/
Is PDA Real and What Can We Do About It? (with Michelle Garnett) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-30-could-it-be-pda-exploring-the-signs-and-why-its-different-from-odd/
Co-Parenting Amidst Diagnosis Disagreements (with Alana Manix) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-1-co-parenting-amidst-diagnosis-disagreements/
FREE RESOURCES
Preparing for Diagnosis — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/preparing-for-diagnosis/
Emily Jade O’Keeffe is a much-loved Gold Coast media personality, and co-host of the number one breakfast show, Galey & Emily Jade, on 102.9 Hot Tomato. With more than 30 years in radio, television and media, Emily is also the co-creator and co-host of the Move Over Mama podcast alongside her teenage daughter, Millie. A wife and mother of two, Emily brings warmth, humour and honesty to all her audiences.
Move Over Mama and Emily Jade's IG here
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The mental load starts as the thing you can laugh about — the admin, the medal for mowing the lawn. And then, somewhere underneath it, it stops being funny. It's the sentence that comes out of your mouth before you can stop it: 'would you mind having the kids on Saturday so I can get a haircut' — asking the other parent for their own children like you're lodging annual leave with HR. It's 'they were so good while you were gone,' and knowing 'good' meant nobody got fed. It's being so tired of being the only adult in the building that you stop being angry and just go quiet.
This is Part 3, the last in the series, and it's the heavy one. It begins with a laugh and then it lets that laugh go. This one is for you, on your own, with your headphones in — and if you're right on the edge of exasperation today, Jane's honest recommendation is that you save this one for another day. Built entirely from what you wrote in. Support links are in the notes below.
CHAPTERS
00:00 — The last one. It starts funny, then it doesn't.
00:44 — 'I shouldn't have to book my own kids in like it's annual leave'
01:37 — Watch where the school emails go — and the 11-day anaphylaxis email
03:37 — 'It was so easy while you were gone.' Was it though?
05:41 — The 7am text from Cassie, and what Jane wrote back without thinking
07:32 — 'I'm not even angry anymore. I'm just so tired of being the only adult.'
07:46 — The nine-year-old asked to regulate himself while the 39-year-old isn't
11:33 — The question underneath all of it: are these women still with them?
12:37 — 'Supportive of what?' — when the pat on the back keeps you carrying it
14:39 — The economy of gratitude — his effort is a gift, yours is the weather
15:03 — 'He's cheaper than hiring someone' — the accounting that holds women in place
16:58 — Why this lands twice as hard on an ADHD mum — the load that has no gender, and the one that does
20:52 — Why leaving isn't the easy answer, and the thing nobody says about single-mother poverty
22:38 — This series was never mine. It was yours.
What We Cover
The sentence so many women said comes out of their mouths and they don't know how they got there — asking the other parent to mind their own kids
Where the pattern hides in plain sight — whose inbox the school actually emails, and the 11-day reply to an anaphylaxis email that says everything
'It was so easy while you were gone' — what 'good' actually meant, and where the bar for care got left
The 7am text from a friend that Jane laughed at before she worried, and the moment it turned from a joke into something real
The messages about children being asked to manage their emotions while a grown adult in the same house isn't — and what it costs the kid who gives up on a parent
The question that started sitting under every message — are these women still with their partners, and if it's this hard, why do we stay?
'Supportive of what?' — the uncomfortable idea that the comfort itself might be the thing keeping you carrying all of it
A sociologist's phrase you can't unhear — why his effort gets thanked and yours becomes the weather
Why this exact load lands twice as hard on an ADHD mum — the part that has no gender, and the part that absolutely does
The honest, un-tidy truth about why leaving isn't a clean answer — and the structural thing nobody wants to name

🆘 Support
If anything in this episode landed close to home, you don't have to sit with it alone.
1800RESPECT — national domestic, family and sexual violence counselling — 1800 737 732, or 1800respect.org.au (24/7, free, confidential).
Lifeline — 13 11 14, or lifeline.org.au (24/7 crisis support).
If you're not sure whether what you're experiencing 'counts,' you can still call. They will talk it through with you.
Free Resources
Household Family Meeting Template — for the 'hand over a whole job, not a favour' conversation this episode is really about — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/
Related Episodes
The Admin Husband: 'Do We Have Parmesan?' — Part 1 —
https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/mental-load-do-we-have-parmesan-cheese-he-was-standing/id1686843092?i=1000777917338
The Gold Medal Husband: 'Did You See the Lawn?' — Part 2
https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/mental-load-he-mowed-the-lawn-once-and-wanted-to-know-if-you-saw-it/
I Love My Family… But I'm So F**king Angry (Mum Rage Part 1) — S2 EP84 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-84-i-love-my-family-but-im-so-fking-angry-mum-rage-part-1/
What We Wish Our Partners Knew About the Mental Load — And How to Truly Support Us — S2 EP75 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-75-what-we-wish-our-partners-knew-about-the-mental-load-and-how-to-truly-support-us/
References & Further Reading
Hochschild, A. R. (1989). The Second Shift: Working Families and the Revolution at Home. Viking.
(The 'economy of gratitude' Jane cites — whose effort reads as a gift to be thanked, and whose reads as the background running of the house.)
Also relevant — the cognitive/mental load framework underpinning the whole series:
Daminger, A. (2019). The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609–633. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419859007
📬 Listener Questions & Community
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Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.
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**This episode is general information only and is not medical advice. If any of it applies to you, please talk it through with your own GP or psychiatrist**
Have you ever walked out of a psychiatrist's office more confused than when you walked in? Not sure what just happened, whether you got a diagnosis, what you were supposed to ask, or whether the thing you were terrified of — coming across like you were just there for the stimulants — is exactly what you did. For a lot of women getting an ADHD assessment at 40, the appointment itself is the black box. Nobody tells you the order to see a GP, psychologist and psychiatrist in, what happens if your school reports are gone and your parents have died, why they start you on one medication and not another, or what a drug holiday actually is.
So this week Jane sat a psychiatrist down and asked him to open the box. Dr Brendan Daugherty walks through the whole thing — the pathway, the assessment, how they choose your first medication, and the one thing that makes these appointments go better. Bring the questions you've been too embarrassed to ask.
CHAPTERS
00:00 — Walking out more confused than when you walked in
02:36 — GP, psychologist, psychiatrist — the actual order, and when to skip a step
04:38 — Have the waitlists really improved? A straight answer
05:44 — The two kinds of women who book an assessment — which one are you?
09:50 — 'ADHD is a bit like a shield' — and what's underneath when the medication lifts it
13:19 — 'I'm scared I'll look like I'm drug seeking' — the post Jane sees every week
15:26 — How a psychiatrist spots the woman who's masked her whole life and looks fine
16:56 — No school reports, parents gone — how do you even get diagnosed? (evidence before 12)
19:15 — The squat-rack phone call that diagnosed Jane's ADHD in real time
23:23 — How they actually choose your first medication — first-line vs second-line
25:28 — Long-acting or short-acting, and why it's not one-size-fits-all
26:18 — Drug holidays: why they're prescribed, and why the evidence is weaker than you think
29:34 — What's changing in psychiatry for women — hormones, the cycle, and menopause
What We Cover
Why so many women walk out of the appointment with no idea what just happened — and the questions nobody tells you to bring
The actual order to see a GP, psychologist and psychiatrist in, when you can skip a step, and when doubling up is a waste of your money
The two completely different reasons women book an assessment — and why knowing which one you are changes where you should book
What Brendan means when he says attention problems aren't always ADHD — the medical and hormonal things a rushed assessment misses
'ADHD is a bit like a shield' — the conversation about what surfaces when the medication lifts it, and why Jane went back to short-acting
The post Jane sees in the Facebook group every single week — 'I'm terrified I'll look like I'm drug seeking' — and exactly how a psychiatrist actually hears that
How a psychiatrist recognises the woman who's held it all together on the outside and is burnt out underneath
What happens when you don't have school reports and your parents have died — how the 'evidence before 12' rule actually works in practice
How they choose which medication to start you on, first-line versus second-line, long-acting versus short — in plain English
Drug holidays — why they get prescribed, why the evidence is weaker than it sounds, and what that means for your Saturday sport chaos
What's genuinely changing for women in ADHD care — the hormonal picture, the menstrual cycle, and menopause

Free Resources
Preparing for Diagnosis — for the mum wondering if it's ADHD and what to do next — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/preparing-for-diagnosis/
Paid Resources
Pre-Diagnosis Workbook — the deeper version of 'get clear before you spend the money on an assessment' — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/prediagnosisworkbook/
Related Episodes
How to Get a Diagnosis in Australia (Part 1) — S1 EP7, with Dr Jacinta Thomson — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/s1-ep7-how-to-get-a-diagnosis-in-australia-part-1/
ADHD Medication: Stimulants vs Non-Stimulants — S2 EP40, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-40-adhd-medication-stimulants-vs-non-stimulants-solo-episode-with-jane-mcfadden/
About the Guest
Dr Brendan Daugherty is a child, adolescent, adult and forensic psychiatrist and a Fellow of the Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Psychiatrists. He's the co-founder of Pandion Health, an Australian telehealth platform providing specialist-led ADHD assessment and ongoing care for adults and children.
You can find Brendan here:
Website: https://www.pandionhealth.com.au
Instagram: @itsdrbrendan (and the clinic, @pandionhealth)
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/brendandaugherty/
📬 Listener Questions & Community
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References & Further Reading
On dexamphetamine vs methylphenidate (Brendan's 'a little bit better' point, ~24:24):
Cortese, S. et al. (2018). Comparative efficacy and tolerability of medications for ADHD in children, adolescents, and adults: a systematic review and network meta-analysis. The Lancet Psychiatry, 5(9), 727–738. https://doi.org/10.1016/S2215-0366(18)30269-4
On stimulant 'drug holidays' and growth (~26:18):
Drug holidays and the ~2cm growth question are genuinely contested in the literature. The most-cited long-term data is the MTA follow-up (Swanson et al., 2017, Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry), which found a small average height reduction associated with consistent stimulant use. Brendan's framing — that it's 'a bit overblown' and the adult evidence for weekend breaks is weak — matches the current consensus.
On combined medication + non-medication treatment (~23:23):
The MTA Cooperative Group studies remain the reference point for Brendan's 'they work best in combination' statement.

The mental load is not the doing. Everyone thinks it's the doing. It's the buy now, pay later maths you run when your partner tells you to rest — the hour you lie down and spend the whole hour calculating what this hour is costing you tomorrow. It's being the default parent, the one whose invisible labour only gets noticed the second it stops. And then, into that, walks the one who did the single most visible job in the house and needs you to see it. He mowed the lawn. He unpacked the dishwasher. Once. And he's standing in the middle of the kitchen, glowing, waiting for the medal.
CHAPTERS
00:00 — 'You rest, take a load off' — and why every woman's shoulders just went up
01:35 — Buy now, pay later: what an hour of rest actually costs you
02:39 — Dani, patron saint of this episode, and her four voice memos
03:19 — Kat's dishwasher, the border collie, and the dead bird at your feet
04:06 — 'Did you see the lawn?' The line that named the whole episode
06:37 — The barbecue vasectomy story (you'll want to sit down)
08:31 — The 3am texts, where it stops being funny — the wet bed, his one turn
09:42 — 'I'm stressed about the mess. What are you going to do about it?'
11:04 — The head lice question that broke everyone: 'or did you just decide that?'
12:15 — Why is it always her? Susan Walzer, 1996, and thinking vs doing
12:38 — He doesn't just do less. He's reading a different ledger.
13:33 — Why this isn't gaslighting — and why that makes it harder to fix
15:31 — What doesn't work: the chart, the PowerPoint, the tagging him in articles
15:50 — What actually works: handing over whole domains, not tasks
17:20 — How same-sex couples split it, and why they had to do it out loud
19:55 — 'You're a bit of a perfectionist' — what he actually means when he says it
What We Cover
Why 'you rest, I've got it' makes every woman's shoulders climb up around her ears — and the brutal maths hiding inside that hour of 'rest'
The border collie, the dead bird, and the exact face a partner makes when he's unpacked the dishwasher once and needs you to notice
The listener line that named this whole episode — and what she really wanted to say back
The barbecue vasectomy story, which has to be heard to be believed, and what six women two metres away were actually doing while he told it
The 3am texts, where the funny runs out — the wet bed and the one night it was his turn, and what he suggested instead of changing the sheets
The head lice question that undid everyone — three little words that turned a job she'd been doing for three months into something she'd apparently invented
Why it's her doing the tracking, the meds, the mattress — a piece of 1996 research, and a newer one that's sharper and more unsettling
Why he isn't lying and isn't gaslighting when he says the house is fine — he's genuinely reading a different ledger, and that's the bit that's hard to fix
The three things that don't work (you've tried all three), and the one thing that does — and it isn't a better chore chart
What a man actually means when he calls you a perfectionist — this one's going on a tea towel

Free Resources
Household Family Meeting Template — the closest thing to the 'hand over whole domains' conversation this episode is really about — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/
Paid Resources
Pre-Diagnosis Workbook — for the mum who's listening to this and starting to wonder about herself — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/prediagnosisworkbook/
ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/
Related Episodes
The Admin Husband: 'Do We Have Parmesan?' — Part 1 of this series —
https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/adhd-invisible-load/
What We Wish Our Partners Knew About the Mental Load — And How to Truly Support Us — S2 EP75 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-75-what-we-wish-our-partners-knew-about-the-mental-load-and-how-to-truly-support-us/
Making the Invisible Mental Load Visible: How to Share the Load Without the Stress (Part 3) — S2 EP73 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-73-making-the-invisible-mental-load-visible-how-to-share-the-load-without-the-stress-part-3/
The Invisible Job: Being the One Who Holds Everything Together — S3 — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-invisible-job-being-the-one-who-holds-everything-together/
References & Further Reading
Walzer, S. (1996). Thinking About the Baby: Gender and Divisions of Infant Care. Social Problems, 43(2), 219–234. https://doi.org/10.2307/3096999
(The 1996 study Jane cites — women do the thinking, men do the doing.)
Daminger, A. (2019). The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609–633. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419859007
(The four stages: anticipate, identify, decide, monitor — decision-making is shared, everything else falls on women.)
On same-sex couples splitting cognitive labour more evenly:
Pinho, M. & Gaunt, R. (2023). The management of cognitive labour in same-gender couples. PLoS ONE. (Same-gender couples negotiate the division explicitly rather than defaulting.)
On the newer 'different perceptions of the same household' research:
Weeks, A. C. & Ruppanner, L. (2024). A typology of US parents' mental loads: Core and episodic cognitive labor. Journal of Marriage and Family. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.13057
📬 Listener Questions & Community
🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)
Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.
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