ADHD Mums

There's a mum at pickup you really like. Ninety seconds every afternoon, one of those chats where you both go 'yeah, exactly' — and then the kids spill out, someone's swinging a backpack like a helicopter, someone's demanding the petrol station, and you're pulled away before you can even say goodbye. And every day you get back to the car thinking: I should have her over. We should do a barbecue. I'd love to actually talk to her for more than ninety seconds.
You got her number in January. It's the end of July. And you've made no progress at all. You've probably already filed that as proof you're flaky, cold, a bad friend. This episode is Jane taking that story apart — because the silence between you and someone you genuinely like usually isn't 'I don't want this.' It's 'I want this, but I have no hands to build it with.'
CHAPTERS
00:00 — Nat, the 90-second pickup chat, and the barbecue that never happens
02:29 — Got her number in January. It's July. No progress.
03:57 — 'I'm flaky, I'm cold, I'm a bad friend' — the personality we build around it
05:33 — The executive-function tax on turning a pickup mum into a real friend
06:36 — It's not that you need to try harder. It might be the fuel tank.
07:13 — The mum with the same life who still hosts the perfect Sunday barbecue
08:36 — Good girl conditioning: when friendship becomes your job to carry
10:45 — When you can't stand the silence — and what your brain files it as
12:09 — Why a late-diagnosed brain has had decades to build 'I ruin friendships'
14:31 — The flicker of energy, and the threat analysis that kills the text
15:54 — The heart-react as a hostage 'proof of life' photo
17:35 — Moving to acreage, and quietly deleting myself
18:43 — 'I want this, but I have no hands to build it with'
20:16 — Why 'just put yourself out there' aims you straight at burnout
22:11 — What actually works: the low-fuel, no-apology text
23:42 — Drop the bar. Plug a friend into the worst 40 minutes of your week.
26:28 — Maybe the skill isn't the barbecue. It's letting friendship be uneven.
WHAT WE COVER
The pickup mum you really like, the barbecue you keep meaning to have, and the seven months that have quietly gone by
Why 'I'm flaky, I'm cold, I'm a bad friend' becomes a personality — and what it's actually covering for
The hidden executive-function tax on turning a mum you like into a mum who's actually your friend: remembering, initiating, holding the plan, pushing through the 'what if it's awkward'
Why the friend with the same number of kids and the same Saturday sport still hosts the perfect Sunday barbecue — and why it's not that she's better at friendship
Good girl conditioning, and what happens when you learned early that friendship is your job to carry, keep alive, and never drop
The other version — when you can't stand the silence, and your brain files 'haven't heard from them in ages' as danger
The flicker of energy to send the text, and the threat analysis your brain runs to talk you out of it
The heart-react on her story as a 'hostage proof of life' photo — I'm here, I'm fine, please don't give up on me
Why 'put yourself out there, just make more effort, have them over' is telling you to spend the exact thing you've run out of
What actually works with an empty tank: the low-fuel, no-apology text, dropping the bar, and letting the friendship be uneven and survive anyway
FREE RESOURCES
Energy Accounting Guide — mentioned in the episode — budget your energy for your real capacity, not what you think you should be doing — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/
Household Family Meeting Template — for the load underneath 'there are no leftovers' — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/
PAID RESOURCES
ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/
RELATED EPISODES
School Pick-Up Can Be Draining! How to Stop Overthinking & Save Your Social Energy — S2 EP65, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-65-school-pick-up-can-be-draining-how-to-stop-overthinking-save-your-social-energy/
QUICK RESET: I Cancel Plans Because I Don't Have the Energy to Fake My Personality — S3 EP14, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-14-quick-reset-i-cancel-plans-because-i-dont-have-the-energy-to-fake-my-personality/
You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now. — S3 EP35, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/
Too Much? Or Just Misunderstood: ADHD, RSD & the Power of Emotional Intensity — S2 EP83, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-83-too-much-or-just-misunderstood-adhd-rsd-the-power-of-emotional-intensity/

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From the outside, she's on top of it. Then something small happens — a cold, a bad night, one extra thing — and the whole thing collapses. And she decides the collapse is the problem. She needs to be better. More disciplined. Try harder.
But the collapse isn't the problem. The collapse is information. The problem is that she's been running her whole life on a system that was never built for her brain — and every time it falls over, she reads it as proof that she's the thing that's broken. Rachel Few is back, and this one is about the loop underneath all of it: if I could just try harder. Why effort was rewarded your whole life, why it stopped working the moment you had kids, and what it actually takes to stop surviving and start thriving — not the influencer version with the one massage and the full cup, the real one.
CHAPTERS
00:00 — The collapse isn't the problem. The collapse is information.
02:07 — Why 'just try harder' worked for years — until it didn't
03:12 — Jane's two years out of school, and the effort trap hiding inside a success story
04:36 — Add kids, and the sprint you can't run as a marathon
05:42 — Fight or flight: why you can't get the drone view of your own life
06:41 — Why every mum deserves a coach, and nobody questions it for a marathon
06:56 — The homework trap — leaving every appointment with more to do
09:02 — Why women keep landing back on 'I'm the problem'
10:25 — Effort that's purposeful vs effort that's just doing, doing, doing
11:26 — 'I've done years of therapy but I still can't get the shopping done'
13:22 — When to go back and unpack, and when to stay in the here and now
15:27 — The Friday meltdown that actually started on Monday
16:48 — The map: why women stop feeling like they're winging it
17:45 — The wine-and-big-plans trap, and Jane's real conversation with her husband
20:15 — The rugby coaching question — is it the thing you want, or one of four?
23:38 — Doing the mapping for our kids but never for ourselves
26:35 — Her one takeaway: cancel half a day
RESOURCES & REFERENCES
For more on Rachel Few — https://rachelfew.com/
Free Resources
ADHD Physical Health & Emotional Wellbeing Kit — for the burnout and the body-keeps-score part — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-physical-health-emotional-wellbeing-kit/
Paid Resources
ADHD Reset Workbook — Values, Energy & Planning — the closest thing to the 'what fills my cup, what goes, where are my spoons' mapping Rachel walks through — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-reset-workbook-values-energy-planning-for-adhd-mums/
ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/
Related Episodes
Overstimulated Before 7am — And No One Sees the Work — with Rachel Few — her first episode, one of the most-consumed on the show — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/rachel-few/
What Is Underneath the Mask? Uncovering Who You Are After Diagnosis — S2 EP17, with Tanya Hicks — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-17-underneath-the-mask-uncovering-who-you-are-after-diagnosis/
Burnout, Pain & Weird Symptoms? The ADHD Link No One Told Us About — S2 EP62, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-62-burnout-pain-weird-symptoms-the-adhd-link-no-one-told-us-about/
Preventing Burnout: The Power of Setting Boundaries — S2 EP37, with Kara Lynch — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-37-adhd-autism-or-both-karas-story-of-burnout-and-sensory-overload/
About the Guest
Rachel Few runs Neurodivergent Counselling and Mentoring on the Sunshine Coast — telehealth, available Australia-wide. As a social worker, former school counsellor, and neurodivergent mother herself, her approach is holistic and body-centred: working with the nervous system as much as the brain.
Website: https://rachelfew.com — free 15-minute connection calls available via her site.
📬 Listener Questions & Community
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Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.
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Your best friend leaves a box of tampons on your doorstep on the worst day of your fortnight — no fuss, no waiting around, just quietly handling the piece of the nightmare nobody else saw. And you well up. Real tears. And then you wait ten minutes to make sure she's gone before you'll even open the door, delete the thank-you you started typing, and walk off. Because you could not have said it to her face if someone paid you.
If you're the woman who leaves a gift on a doorstep and runs, who dodges goodbyes with people she loves, who can't stand inside a thank you — you've probably filed that away as proof you're cold. Broken in the part where you're meant to feel things. This episode is Jane pulling that file back out and finding the opposite: it's not that the love is missing. It might be flooding. Masking, surface acting, and the wall that goes up right where other people let love in — and why every piece of advice you've been given points you the wrong way.
CHAPTERS
00:00 — Twenty-one, on an Emirates training flight, and my face is the problem
01:34 — Learning the Barbie-princess smile in the mirror
02:32 — The box of tampons, and the door I couldn't open
04:45 — Ten minutes, a deleted text, and walking off in tears
05:31 — The filing cabinet: 'there's something wrong with me,' opened at 2am
06:22 — The goodbyes I swerve, the thank-yous I can't stand in
07:43 — 'I'm not cold. I cried over a box of tampons.'
08:33 — The real problem: a feeling with no volume control
08:56 — What was actually happening on those flights
13:46 — Surface acting: the sociologist who studied this in 1983
16:05 — Two settings — perform the okay face, or leave
18:49 — Why every piece of 'just be present' advice fails someone like me
20:55 — The therapy this is secretly built on — ACT, and acting on what you value
23:00 — The moment was never the love. The tampons mattering that much was.
25:04 — What I'd do differently: feel it, then send something real by text
26:50 — You get to love people in your own way
WHAT WE COVER
The Emirates training flight where Jane was told, over and over, that her technically-perfect service didn't matter — her face did
Learning to perform the 'Barbie princess' smile in the mirror, and what years of that installs in a nervous system
The box of tampons on the doorstep — one of the kindest things anyone's ever done for her — and why she waited for her friend to leave before she'd open the door
The 2am filing cabinet labelled 'there's something wrong with me,' and the subtheme she found inside it
The goodbyes she actively swerves, the gifts she leaves 'like a robber,' and the years of reading all of it as proof she's cold
The reframe: it was never a missing feeling — it's a feeling that arrives with no volume control, like a flood, with nowhere safe to show it
What was really happening on those flights — the workers, the conditions, the smiling over something that was not fine — and how surface acting burns you out
Why every piece of standard advice — slow down, be present, make eye contact, receive it properly — aims you straight at the exact thing your body evacuates for a reason
The evidence-based therapy this is secretly built on, and the one shift inside it that changes everything
What Jane would do differently now — and the real, texted, kitchen-bench version of 'thank you' that works for a nervous system like hers
FREE RESOURCES
ADHD Physical Health & Emotional Wellbeing Kit — for the emotional-regulation and burnout side of years of masking — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-physical-health-emotional-wellbeing-kit/
Energy Accounting Guide — for the cost of surface acting, day after day — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/
PAID RESOURCES
ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/
RELATED EPISODES
Too Much? Or Just Misunderstood: ADHD, RSD & the Power of Emotional Intensity — S2 EP83, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-83-too-much-or-just-misunderstood-adhd-rsd-the-power-of-emotional-intensity/
An RSD Story. Taking My Own Advice — S1 EP9, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/an-rsd-story-taking-my-own-advice-s1-ep9/
You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now. — S3 EP35, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/
Masking & ADHD — S1 EP11, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/masking-adhd-s1-ep11/
REFERENCES & FURTHER READING
On 'surface acting' — the 1983 flight-attendant research: Hochschild, A. R. (1983). The Managed Heart: Commercialization of Human Feeling. University of California Press.
On Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): an evidence-based therapy built on acting in line with your values rather than waiting to feel the 'right' feeling first. The most widely used plain-language ACT resource in Australia is Dr Russ Harris's The Happiness Trap.
📬 Listener Questions & Community
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Have you ever answered a simple question with the whole real answer — and watched the room go a particular kind of quiet? Have you ever lain awake at 2am running back one thing you said in a group chat three years ago, certain everyone clocked it the way you did? Have you ever walked out of a room having already decided you were the too-much one before anyone said a word?
There's a reason your brain gave the director's cut when everyone else gave three sentences. It's not the reason you've been telling yourself.
CHAPTERS
00:16 — The plastic chair, the room going quiet, and knowing before you know why
00:46 — Six weeks postpartum, new town, no family, no one to talk to but her husband
01:11 — The things about babies nobody says out loud because they're 'obvious'
02:33 — Why she joined a mother's group, and the morning it all went sideways
03:27 — Twenty minutes late, sweaty, in her husband's vomit-swapped T-shirt
04:13 — Bows, baptism outfits and homemade plates: the prep she didn't know about
05:29 — Three questions. Name, baby's name, the birth. Easy.
06:07 — What recent trauma does when someone kindly asks you to tell it
08:00 — The Wi-Fi freeze: watching the room drop out in real time
09:00 — Morning tea, the decaf, and 'where the f*ck are we?'
10:01 — Kate's three sentences, and the instruction Jane never heard
11:30 — The most embarrassing moment, and the one heading she filed it under for years
12:44 — Going back into the room with the lens she has now
12:55 — The two filters: the words she heard vs the contract underneath them
14:00 — The freeze wasn't a verdict — it was sorting happening in front of her
14:49 — Why it was actually the most efficient thing she's ever done
15:10 — The next week: the biscuits, the permanent marker, the friend for life
16:43 — The pram that rolled past the window on its own
17:24 — Watching the room split again — who moves away, who leans in
18:11 — Told to be less your whole life — and why she won't join that group
19:14 — Being an adult: let people move towards you or away, but let them choose
20:11 — Telling everyone who you are up front, and the door it leaves open
RESOURCES & REFERENCES
Free Resources
After Your Diagnosis Kit — for the 'oh, that's why I've always done that' realisation —
https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mum-after-diagnosis-kit/
Paid Resources
Navigating School Pick-Up & Social Settings — the guide Jane names in this episode: how ADHD and autistic mums read social situations, how neurotypical people do, and how to bridge the gap — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/surviving-school-pick-up/
ADHD Reset Workbook — Values, Energy & Planning — for the days the too-much shame has flattened you — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-reset-workbook-values-energy-planning-for-adhd-mums/
ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/
Related Episodes
Is It Social Anxiety — or Is It Autism — S3, with Amanda Moses — the 'said too much, read the room wrong' feeling — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-34-is-it-social-anxiety-or-is-it-autism-with-amanda-moses/
Too Much? Or Just Misunderstood: ADHD, RSD & Emotional Intensity — Jane solo — the after-sting of 'too much' — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-83-too-much-or-just-misunderstood-adhd-rsd-the-power-of-emotional-intensity/

The Untold Struggles of Motherhood (Part 1) — Jane solo — new-baby isolation, no support —
https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-45-the-untold-struggles-of-motherhood-part-1/
Is It ADHD or Motherhood? — Jane solo — the invisible rulebook nobody hands you —
https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-22-is-it-adhd-or-motherhood-solo-episode/
📬 Listener Questions & Community
🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)
Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.
Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313
Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313
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For thirty years, ADHD has had one wanted poster. Loud, can't sit still, disrupting the class, talking back — a boy. And you weren't him. So you walked past every checkpoint in your life — the GP, the teachers, the report cards, the parent-teacher nights — and nobody stopped you. Maybe someone said you were bright, you just needed to apply yourself. Maybe you got 'conscientious' on every report card. And conscientious doesn't go with ADHD, does it?
Three different women can all have ADHD. All three can walk straight past that same poster on the wall, and not one of them gets stopped — because not one of them looks like the sketch. This episode is Jane putting three new posters up: the inattentive mum told to try harder, the 'too much' mum who apologises for her personality before she's said a word, and the 'fine' mum everyone leans on who's hanging off a cliff on the inside. See if you find your own face on the wall.
Take the self-test: https://preview.mailerlite.io/forms/768431/173992641938064622/share
Chapters
00:00 — The one wanted poster ADHD has had for thirty years
01:25 — Three women, one poster, and why none of them get stopped
02:17 — Who drew the poster — and why the quiet ones were never in the sketch
03:54 — One Monday morning, one clock, four different mothers
04:32 — The neurotypical mum, and where the difference actually shows up
05:54 — Profile 1: the inattentive mum, told her whole life to try harder
07:36 — The planner graveyard — six apps, four planners, three years of fresh starts
08:17 — Profile 2: the mum who's always been 'too much'
09:12 — Apologising for your personality before the conversation starts
09:39 — The drive home, and the tape that runs every single time
11:00 — Profile 3: the mum everyone says is 'fine'
11:50 — 'I don't know how you do it' — and why it doesn't land as a compliment
12:54 — Why she only rests when her body reaches up and stops her
13:35 — The real reason so many of us slipped through — it didn't cost anyone else
15:07 — If you've just been diagnosed: the relief, the grief, and what you can put down
15:56 — How we actually redraw the poster
What We Cover
The single wanted poster ADHD has been diagnosed against for thirty years — and why your face was never on it
Why 'conscientious' on every report card was a signal everyone read backwards
One ordinary Monday school run, four mothers, one clock — and the four completely different mornings happening behind the same front doors
Profile 1, the inattentive mum: the permission slip she looked at on four separate nights, and why no planner, app or alarm has ever held
The difference between a neurotypical mum forgetting the form and an ADHD mum forgetting it — it's not the forgetting, it's what happens next
Profile 2, the 'too much' mum: the verbal hyperactivity nobody put on a poster, and the tape that runs on every drive home
Why apologising for your own personality before you've started talking should be a diagnostic tick in its own right
Profile 3, the mum everyone calls 'fine': the one who looks the most together and is the closest to the edge, and why 'I don't know how you do it' makes her feel more alone
The uncomfortable answer to why so many of us went undiagnosed — not because our ADHD was lighter, but because it only ever cost us
What there is to feel if you've been diagnosed late — the relief, the grief for what might have been — and the part of it you're allowed to put down
How the poster actually gets redrawn, and the one small thing that starts it

Free Resources
Preparing for Diagnosis — for the 'oh, that's me' moment, and what to do next — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/preparing-for-diagnosis/
After Your Diagnosis Kit — for the relief-and-grief part, if you've already been diagnosed — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mum-after-diagnosis-kit/

Paid Resources
Pre-Diagnosis Workbook — the deeper 'get clear before you spend money on an assessment' version — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/prediagnosisworkbook/
Assessment & Diagnosis Bundle — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/bundle-adhd-diagnosis-assessment-guides/

Related Episodes
Too Much? Or Just Misunderstood: ADHD, RSD & the Power of Emotional Intensity — S2 EP83, Jane solo — the deep dive on the 'too much' profile — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-83-too-much-or-just-misunderstood-adhd-rsd-the-power-of-emotional-intensity/
ADHD or PTSD? Why So Many Women Are Misdiagnosed — S2 EP82, with Amanda Moses — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-82-adhd-or-ptsd-why-so-many-women-are-misdiagnosed-with-amanda-moses/
ADHD Mum: What You Need to Know After Your Diagnosis — S2 EP55, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-55-adhd-mum-what-you-need-to-know-after-your-diagnosis-solo-episode-with-jane-mcfadden/

📬 Listener Questions & Community
🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)
Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.
Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313
Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313
👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group
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