ADHD Mums

The mental load is the thing you couldn't name for years — the invisible mental load that means one adult in the house knows when library day is and one adult keeps asking. The one who anticipates, identifies, decides, and monitors, and the one who stands next to the dishwasher and shouts through to the lounge room to ask if it's clean. You've known the pattern for years. You've done the therapy. You've read the book. You've made the 1.2-metre colour-coded family planner. And he still texts you from home, from within arm's reach of the fridge, to ask about the Parmesan.
This week the ADHD Mums Facebook group broke open. So many messages, voice notes, and 4am DMs from women hiding in their own ensuites that Jane's had to split it into three episodes. This is Part 1 — the Admin Husband. Part 2 is the Gold Medal Husband next week. Part 3 is coming.
CHAPTERS
00:00 — The Facebook post that broke the internet
00:27 — Lisa. 4am. From inside her own ensuite. Husband asleep in the next room.
01:23 — Please stop asking us what time school pickup is
02:03 — Renee: 'I made the calendar. I bought the calendar. I put it up. I synced it to your phone.'
03:32 — Do men use Siri? A serious question.
04:59 — The 1.2-metre colour-coded family planner he walks past every single day
06:47 — He texts her the address of the program she set up, booked, paid for and drives to every week
09:26 — Parmesan. He's at the fridge. She's in Adelaide.
10:55 — The T-shirt drawer that hasn't moved in three years
12:20 — The 36-minute toilet holiday, and what he's actually doing in there
14:18 — Alison Daminger's four stages of the mental load — and which one he only turns up for
16:35 — Affordance perception: he isn't ignoring the crumbs. He genuinely can't see them.
19:16 — Same-sex couples don't do this. Which tells you something.
21:53 — 'Accidentally, lovingly raising the next man to look at a bench and just see a bench.'
22:36 — 'Just ask me if you need help.' Why that sentence is worse than no help.
What We Cover
The Facebook post that unleashed more DMs and voice notes than anything else on the show — including one from a woman messaging at 4am from inside her own ensuite while her husband slept in the next room
What Renee has done to try and stop her husband asking her what's on today for the seventh time before 9am — and why none of it worked
The 1.2-metre colour-coded family planner one member has installed on her wall. Her husband walks past it every single day. He hasn't looked at it once. She's been tracking.
Why he can find the remote. Why he can conduct a full detective investigation into a missing beer. And why the billboard is invisible.
The Parmesan text. From another state. Not a rhetorical device — a real message.
A sociologist who broke the mental load into four stages, and the one stage he actually turns up for
Two philosophers on why your partner isn't lying when he says he doesn't see the bench. He's not seeing it the way you're seeing it — and this is the bit that stopped Jane in her tracks
What the research on same-sex households is actually telling us — and it's not that men's brains are different
The 36-minute toilet holiday. The medical event. What he's really doing in there.
Why answering him when he shouts through from the kitchen is the exact thing that keeps you Siri
The sentence a Facebook group member said out loud that Jane hasn't been able to stop thinking about since — 'I'm accidentally, lovingly raising the next man to look at a bench and just see a bench'

Free Resources
Household Family Meeting Template — for moving off stage-three-only and onto shared stages one and two — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/
The ADHD Mums Facebook Group — where this whole episode came from, and where Part 2 and 3 are being built right now — https://facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast
Paid Resources
ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/
Related Episodes (the mental load / invisible labour series)
The Invisible Job: Being the One Who Holds Everything Together — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-invisible-job-being-the-one-who-holds-everything-together/
The Invisible Coordination Load: Why ADHD Mums Carry the Work Systems Won't — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-invisible-coordination-load-why-adhd-mums-carry-the-work-systems-wont/
The Hidden Cost of Being the Good Girl — How the Mental Load Became Ours — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-hidden-cost-of-being-the-good-girl-how-the-mental-load-became-ours/
References & Further Reading
Daminger, A. (2019). The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609–633. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419859007
Affordance perception — a framework from ecological philosophy (originating with James J. Gibson, developed further in gender and household-labour applications). This is a philosophical framework, not a clinical psychology finding. Cited as one lens that fits the pattern, not as a settled explanation.
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You know good girl conditioning because you've lived it. The self-editing. The 'whatever you want.' The 'I don't mind.' You spent your twenties in the wrong careers and your thirties in therapy, and you're still catching yourself doing it in your forties. And now you're watching your neurodivergent daughter start — the compliant one, the helpful one — and you don't know how to name it, let alone stop it.
CHAPTERS
00:00 — What the good girl actually loses (and nobody in the room notices)
02:16 — Interoception: the missing piece for a whole generation of mums
03:52 — Why you picked the worst careers and environments for you
06:35 — The nervous system cost nobody counts — going to the toilet on a bell
09:50 — The moment you edited yourself out before anyone even noticed
10:47 — Rachel's grade one birthday party, and what her mum saw
12:32 — The mum rage that arrived when it was her daughter's turn
15:14 — The four scripts that work better than any book or worksheet
19:17 — What we're actually reinforcing when we praise 'easy' behaviour
19:52 — The girls who look calm in the front row and panic on the inside
22:00 — The pool. The water slide. The moment Jane couldn't watch it anymore
28:03 — 'I don't mind' — the one thing every mum needs to understand about it
What We Cover
The one thing every good girl loses first, and it's not confidence — it's the ability to feel what's happening inside her own body
Why you picked the worst possible jobs, cities and relationships in your twenties, and never once asked yourself the question that would have saved you
What Rachel's mum watched her do at her own sixth birthday party — and the template it set for the next thirty years
The moment Rachel had to physically walk out of her own daughter's bedroom before she said something she couldn't take back
Why the kids who need therapy aren't always the ones throwing chairs — sometimes they're the ones with their hand up in the front row
The scene at the pool that Jane couldn't unsee, and what she did about it that nobody in the group was going to like
What we're actually rewarding when we praise the easy child, and what it costs her by fourteen
The four short scripts Rachel uses with her own kids that work better than any worksheet — and why role play beats reading a book every time
'I don't mind.' The one thing you need to understand about what's happening inside her when she says it

Free Resources
Household Family Meeting Template — the mental load, and getting things off one shoulder — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/
Explaining ADHD to Kids Guide — for the identity work with your daughter — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/explaining-adhd-to-kids-parents-guide/
Guest Links
Rachel Seiler — Play therapist and counsellor, All Kids Counselling (Queensland). Sessions available Australia-wide via Zoom.
All Kids Counselling
Related Episodes (start here if the good girl language is new to you)
You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now. — S3 EP35 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/
The Hidden Cost of Being the Good Girl — How the Mental Load Became Ours — S3 — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-hidden-cost-of-being-the-good-girl-how-the-mental-load-became-ours/
Stop People-Pleasing: The ADHD Mum's Guide to Boundaries, Balance, and Breaking Free — S2 EP50 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-50-stop-people-pleasing-the-adhd-mums-guide-to-boundaries-balance-and-breaking-free/
The Emotional Load of Raising Neurodivergent Girls and How to Lighten It — S3, with Katie Koullas — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-25-the-emotional-load-of-raising-neurodivergent-girls-and-how-to-lighten-it/
📬 Listener Questions & Community
🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)
Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.
Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313
Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313
👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group
For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast

It's 10:15 on a Sunday night. You've come out to the kitchen to rinse one pot. One. And now you're just standing there, not touching it — because the second you stopped moving, it started. The permission slip. The referral. Was it orange day. The group chat you didn't answer. The dog bowl. And underneath all of it, the thought that always turns up: what's wrong with you, everyone else can do this.
So you do the breathing. Four in, hold four, four out. Name it. I'm feeling anxious.
And nothing happens.
What We Cover
The Sunday-night sink — 40 thoughts arriving at once, none of them actually dangerous
Why the breathing didn't work, and why that isn't a you-problem — even I've been paid to teach this and still couldn't breathe it down
The two kinds of racing thoughts, and how to tell them apart in about four seconds
The shelf — why yours is smaller, why it won't file, and why the dog bowl and the electricity bill are screaming at exactly the same volume
What the friend who 'just handles everything' actually has that you don't
The fire blanket problem — what happens when the whole wellness industry hands you one tool and tells you it works on everything
The one question to ask instead: is something actually wrong, or is it everything at once?
Why the too-much kind doesn't want calming — it wants emptying
What you're really doing when you keep the TV on, scroll till your eyes shut, and say you 'just can't switch your brain off'

Free Resources
The Energy Accounting Guide — mentioned in the episode — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/
Household Family Meeting Template — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/
Paid Resources
ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/
Related Episodes
QUICK RESET: No, I Can't Meditate. I'm Too Busy Disassociating. — S3 EP47 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-47-quick-reset-no-i-cant-meditate-im-too-busy-disassociating/
When You Can't Relax Even When It's Quiet — What Your Body Is Doing and Why — S3 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/why-adhd-mums-cant-relax/
Anxiety & ADHD — S1 EP37, with Jessica Burgess — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-37-anxiety-and-adhd-with-jessica-burgess/
📬 Listener Questions & Community
🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)
Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.
Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313
Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313
👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group
For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast

Have you ever stood at the sink at nine o'clock at night, kids asleep, house finally quiet, and had a friend text you how are you going? — and found nothing there? Not sad. Not fine. Just nothing. You could have told her exactly how the kids were, what's on tomorrow, what your hubby's up to, what's happening with the school term. But you, the actual person underneath running all of it — you went looking for her and she wasn't in.
There's a name for that. It's not the exhaustion everyone talks about. It's the other one.
What We Cover
What I found on my phone when I watched the video back — and why my first thought was who let me out like that
Why standing at the edge of the handball court at seven and standing at the edge of the room at thirty-eight are the same thing wearing a different outfit
The reason nobody taught you to mask, and nobody had to
What it actually costs you — not the tiredness, the other thing, the one that has a researcher's name on it
Why 'good girl' was the best deal you were ever offered, and the worst one
What's actually happening the moment you say go on, give your auntie a hug — and why you say it even though you'd fight anyone who tried it on you
The two things that decide what a mask really costs you — and why most neurotypical mums are paying almost nothing for theirs
Why staying in burnout can feel safer than being looked after, and what that has to do with lunchtime at school
Where I'm starting, given that taking it off for myself is still too hard

Free Resources
Energy Accounting Guide —
https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/
Paid Resources
Meltdown & Shutdown Guide
https://adhdmums.com.au/product/navigating-meltdowns-strategies-for-parents/
Related Episodes
You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now. — S3 EP35 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/
What Is Underneath the Mask? Uncovering Who You Are After Diagnosis — S2 EP17, with Tanya Hicks — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-17-underneath-the-mask-uncovering-who-you-are-after-diagnosis/
References & Further Reading
Cage, E. & Troxell-Whitman, Z. (2019). Understanding the Reasons, Contexts and Costs of Camouflaging for Autistic Adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 49(5), 1899–1911. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-018-03878-x
Cage, E., Di Monaco, J. & Newell, V. (2018). Experiences of Autism Acceptance and Mental Health in Autistic Adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 48(2), 473–484. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3342-7
📬 Listener Questions & Community
🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)
Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.
Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313
Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313
👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group
For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast

You did the envelope early. You had the cash inside. You booked the babysitter. You had three adults on deck for one soccer game. And by the time you got to the car park, you were at 3% battery, panting, holding someone else's dog, and your son had his shirt over his head pretending to be a turtle.
You'd done everything right. And it still looked like you hadn't done anything at all.
What We Cover
The pride that hits when you do something early — and what happens the second you let yourself relax because of it
What your eight-year-old is actually asking when he says 'why are you always so stressed out' — and why the real answer isn't one you can give him in a car park
The thing that runs quietly in the background for neurotypical brains that yours is doing by hand, every day, and why no one can see the cost
Why 'me too, I lost my keys once' will never land the way they think it does — and what makes theirs a story and yours a Saturday
What happens when two ADHD parents are both losing things in the same house on the same morning — and neither of them knows the other one has
Why the woman who filled out the form a week early is the same woman who wrote the wrong email address — and which one people remember

Free Resources
Household Family Meeting Template — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/
Energy Accounting Guide — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/

Paid Resources
Navigating School Pick-Up & Social Settings — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/surviving-school-pick-up/

Related Episodes
S3: I'm Not Lazy — My House Just Doesn't Have a Memory — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-49-quick-reset-im-not-lazy-my-house-just-doesnt-have-a-memory//
S2: Executive Function Challenges in ADHD (with Claire Britton) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-31-executive-function-challenges-in-adhd-strategies-for-success-with-claire-britton/
S3: The Advanced ADHD + Neurodivergence Myths Busted — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-4-the-advanced-adhd-neurodivergence-myths-busted/

📬 Listener Questions & Community
🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)
Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.
Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313
Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313
👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group
For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast