Dating Intentionally

What if the secret to better dates isn’t saying the “right” thing, but worrying less about how you’re coming across and getting more curious about the person in front of you? In this episode, I’m talking with experimental social psychologist and author Vanessa Bohns about the science of what we say, what we hold back, and how other people actually respond to us.
Vanessa breaks down why we often underestimate how much people like us, why vulnerability tends to go over better than we expect, and how asking the right kinds of questions can create more intimacy without making a date feel like an interview.
We’re getting into how to...
Decide when to share something vulnerable or sensitive in early dating
Tell the difference between healthy vulnerability and trauma dumping
Figure out why you feel the urge to disclose something
Talk about your accomplishments without sounding like you’re bragging
Understand the “liking gap” and why your dates may like you more than you think
Ask questions that actually build connection instead of slipping into interview mode
Use follow-up questions to naturally get into deeper conversations
Handle dates where you’re doing all the asking and they aren’t asking anything back
Decide whether you should give someone feedback after a date
Be honest without saying something unnecessarily hurtful
Stop focusing so much on impressing someone and start paying attention to whether you actually like them
Plus, Vanessa and I answer a dating dilemma from a listener who is four dates in with someone she likes and wondering whether she should proactively tell him she’s still dating other people.
MENTIONED
Vanessa's book: Should I Say Something?: The Science of What to Share―and What to Keep to Yourself
Vanessa's Instagram
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Submit a dating dilemma
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How do you actually know if you’re in a healthy relationship? In this episode, I’m breaking down the four pillars I believe healthy relationships are built on: responsiveness, safety, freedom, and connection. We’ll talk about what each one actually looks like, where we tend to get it wrong, and how you can start building these qualities from the very beginning of dating.
I'm getting into...
What it really means to feel understood and cared for by your partner
Why validation doesn’t mean agreeing with everything your partner says
How to tell the difference between relationship safety and simply avoiding conflict
Why calm and steadiness aren’t signs that something is missing
How independence and freedom can actually strengthen your relationship
Why your partner shouldn’t have to be your entire support system
How small everyday “bids for connection” build intimacy over time
What to look for in early dating if you want to build a healthy long-term relationship
Four questions you can ask yourself to assess the health of your relationship
Plus, I answer a Dating Dilemma from a listener wondering whether she should give a promising connection more time or whether she’s already trying too hard to manage her way into compatibility.
MENTIONED:
Episode 244 on building inner security
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MORE FROM DATING INTENTIONALLY
Date Tracker: Start your 7-day free trial! (iOS link)
Take the quiz: What's holding you back in dating?
Say hi on Instagram
Book a 1:1 with me
Submit a dating dilemma
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What if jealousy wasn’t a sign that something is wrong with you or your relationship, but an emotion you could actually learn from? In this episode, I’m talking with relationship coach Ally Iseman about why jealousy gets such a bad reputation, what it’s actually trying to tell us, and how to work through it without blaming your partner or shaming yourself.
Ally breaks down the different types of jealousy, including insecurity, comparison, fear of abandonment, distrust, and retroactive jealousy, and explains why learning to tolerate discomfort is one of the most important relationship skills you can build.
We’re getting into how to...
The difference between jealousy and envy
Figure out whether your jealousy is about you, your relationship, or something from your past
What to do when jealousy comes up
Work through retroactive jealousy
Ask your partner for reassurance without making them responsible for your emotions
Handle it when your partner is jealous of your past
Understand the difference between boundaries, rules, and relationship agreements
Stop trying to force certainty or commitment before you actually know someone
Build the relationship skills that help you navigate uncomfortable conversations
Decide what to do when the person you’re dating handles a situation in a way that completely turns you off
Plus, Ally and I answer a dating dilemma from a listener who showed up to a museum and caught the guy she was seeing on a date with another woman after he told her he was sick.

CONNECT WITH ALLY
on Instagram
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😎 Zenni: Get 15% off your first order and free shipping on orders over $65
MORE FROM DATING INTENTIONALLY
Date Tracker: Start your 7-day free trial! (iOS link)
Take the quiz: What's holding you back in dating?
Say hi on Instagram
Submit a dating dilemma
Book a 1:1 with me
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Dating comes with a lot of frustrating uncertainty. You can’t know if attraction will grow, whether someone will choose the relationship, or how another person will react when you tell them the truth. In this special 300th episode of Dating Intentionally, I’m answering your dating dilemmas about what happens when you want certainty, but the situation simply can’t give it to you yet.
We’re getting into four dating dilemmas:
How long should you give someone to warm up physically when you’re tired of making the first move?
What do you do when you’ve been telling little lies to make someone like you and now the relationship is getting more serious?
Should you give a longtime friend a romantic chance when you’re not sure the attraction is there?
How long do you wait when your partner says they need to “figure things out”?
I’m talking about...
Why trying to control the outcome can actually make dating harder
How to tell the difference between accepting someone’s pace and ignoring your own needs
Why self-worth can affect how honestly you show up when you really like someone
What to do when you’re curious about someone but don’t feel an immediate spark
Why you don’t need to play out an entire relationship in your head before you’ve even gone on one date
What “figuring things out” should actually look like inside a relationship
How to make dating decisions when you have no idea how the story will end
And because this is episode 300, I’m ending with a rapid-fire Q&A covering questions like: What’s the most underrated green flag? How do you stop obsessing over someone after it ends? Should you give up if they cancel twice without rescheduling? How do you tell someone you don’t want to text all day? And how do you stay unbothered when you know the person you’re dating is seeing other people too?

Submit a dating dilemma

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MORE FROM DATING INTENTIONALLY
Date Tracker: Start your 7-day free trial! (iOS link)
Take the quiz: What's holding you back in dating?
Say hi on Instagram
Book a 1:1 with me

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What if dating felt less like a stressful search for your person and more like an experience you could actually enjoy? In this episode, I’m talking with Serena Kerrigan, creator and author of Let’s Fucking Date, about lowering the stakes in dating, stopping the need to control the outcome, and staying open to connections that don’t look exactly how you expected.
Serena shares how meeting her boyfriend challenged her assumptions about age, success, and what the “right” partner should look like, plus the mindset shifts that helped her stop overmanaging her dating life and actually enjoy it.
We’re getting into how to...
Use Serena’s “potential, practice, or plot” framework to make every date feel worthwhile
Stop putting so much pressure on every first date to become something
Stay open to people who don’t fit the picture you had in your head
Tell the difference between showing interest and doing too much
Give someone enough space to actually reveal how interested they are
Let go of control when dating feels uncertain
Get out of your comfort zone when your dating life feels stagnant
Stop treating self-improvement like a formula that guarantees you a relationship
Know when an “ick” is meaningful and when you might need to get a grip
Date with a more abundant mindset when age and timelines are stressing you out

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS
😎 Zenni: Get 15% off your first order and free shipping on orders over $65
MORE FROM DATING INTENTIONALLY
Date Tracker: Start your 7-day free trial! (iOS link)
Take the quiz: What's holding you back in dating?
Say hi on Instagram
Submit a dating dilemma
Book a 1:1 with me
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.