Understanding Disordered Eating: For anyone whose relationship with food feels harder than it should

In this episode, we're digging into the tension between wanting to be exceptional and wanting to be ordinary. We talk about why "normal" doesn't always mean what you think it does, how your eating disorder may be protecting you from desires that feel too risky to admit, and why feeling stuck often has nothing to do with food itself.
Quotes
"When average means stability, you want it. Of course, who wouldn't? When average means invisible, then we're terrified of it."
"I'm exceptional because of my relationship to my body, my food, what I do with my food and my body."
"Restriction tends to create the chaos that you're trying to avoid."
"The eating disorder isn't just expressing the desires. It's actually protecting you from the risk of wanting them directly, admitting them directly."
"The eating disorder keeps both desires alive, but completely frozen. Being frozen is not the same thing as being safe."
"People can be exceptional and connected. People can be seen and feel safe. People can be ambitious and stable, and the either/or isn't in the wanting, it's what you learned at some point, the wanting could cost you." 
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I want to be successful and invisible at the same time?
It sounds contradictory, but it's actually incredibly common. Part of you wants to be seen, recognized, and appreciated for what you're capable of. Another part of you wants life to feel quiet, predictable, and safe. Those aren't opposite desires. They just become confusing when your brain starts believing that being noticed will cost you your sense of belonging or security. Recovery often means learning that you don't have to choose one or the other.
 
Why does my eating disorder make me feel special?
For many people, an eating disorder becomes a place to measure worth. It creates an internal story that says, "I'm better because..." Maybe it's because you're more disciplined, more controlled, healthier, stronger, or more committed than everyone else. The specific behavior looks different for everyone, but underneath it often serves the same purpose. It gives you a way to feel valuable without having to ask directly for recognition or validation.
 
Why do I want to be normal but also stand out?
The word "normal" doesn't always mean the same thing. Sometimes normal means peaceful, stable, and free from constant anxiety. Other times it feels like disappearing into the background and not mattering. That's why you can crave an ordinary life one minute and desperately want to be exceptional the next. You're responding to two completely different meanings of the same word.
 
Why does controlling food make me feel safer?
Food often becomes something that feels manageable when everything else feels uncertain. It can create the illusion of stability during stressful or chaotic seasons of life. The problem is that while food rules may offer temporary relief, they rarely create the lasting sense of safety you're actually looking for. They often end up creating even more chaos over time.
 
Can the same eating disorder behaviors mean different things for different people?
Absolutely. Two people can engage in the exact same behavior for completely different reasons. One person may be trying to become more visible, hoping they'll finally be noticed or praised. Someone else may be trying to disappear, feel less exposed, or protect themselves from unwanted attention. The behavior might look the same on the outside, but the purpose underneath can be completely different.
 
Why does recovery make me feel stuck between two different versions of myself?
Recovery often asks you to let go of something that has been solving a problem, even if it wasn't solving it well. You may find yourself wanting a calmer, more grounded life while also worrying that you'll lose the parts of yourself that felt exceptional. Feeling pulled in both directions doesn't mean you're doing recovery wrong. It usually means you're starting to see the deeper beliefs your eating disorder has been carrying.
 
Can I be ambitious without letting my eating disorder define me?
Yes. Wanting to achieve something meaningful isn't the problem. The question is whether your worth depends on achieving it. You can be ambitious, driven, creative, and successful without using your relationship with food or your body as proof that you deserve to be seen. Recovery isn't about becoming less motivated. It's about separating your value from the way you've learned to measure it.
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In this episode, I'm talking about why that happens. We're looking at why body image can be so persistent, why all the things we often recommend are still worth doing, and why they sometimes only take us so far. More importantly, we're exploring what poor body image may actually be pointing toward.
This conversation isn't about finding another body image tip or another affirmation to write on your mirror. It's about understanding why body image often becomes the place where deeper emotional experiences show up and what you can begin paying attention to instead.
Quotes
"It's all about your body, but it's not about your body at all." 
"The body is where something else sort of has gone to live."
"There is a difference between just sitting in the, 'I feel terrible' and organizing the inner experience."
"It's not just I feel angry and I'm not allowed to, it's I feel guilty for taking up space, and I'm also not allowed to feel guilty about that because that itself is taking up space."
"The body here isn't a separate problem, it's just the most concrete version of the problem that you're already having somewhere else."
"Ultimately, the goal here is not necessarily to feel amazing all the time, it's to feel more organized, to understand it a little bit more, to have more context."
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I still struggle with body image after doing all the "right" things?
Because body image isn't always the actual problem. You can practice affirmations, wear clothes that feel good, and change the way you talk to yourself, and those things absolutely matter. They can make life feel a little easier. Sometimes, though, poor body image is carrying emotions that haven't had anywhere else to go. Until those emotions have a place to be understood, body image can continue to feel like the loudest part of the experience.
 
Can poor body image exist even if nothing triggers it?
Yes. For some people, body image spikes after a comment, a photo, or a stressful interaction. For others, it doesn't need a trigger at all. It can feel like it's simply there when you wake up. That constant background feeling often points to something deeper than a single bad body image day.
 
Why don't affirmations fix my body image?
Affirmations can be incredibly helpful, and they're worth using if they make things feel more manageable. They just aren't designed to resolve everything. If poor body image is connected to grief, shame, anger, or other emotions that haven't been processed, repeating positive statements won't automatically make those feelings disappear.
 
How are emotions connected to body image?
Emotions don't stop existing because we ignore them. When they're difficult to identify or express, they often collect into one overwhelming feeling. For many people, the body becomes the place where all of that distress shows up. It's visible, familiar, and easy to focus on, even when the real struggle started somewhere else.
 
Why do I always feel overwhelmed by my emotions?
Feeling emotionally overwhelmed doesn't always mean you're experiencing one giant, all-consuming emotion. More often, it's several emotions happening at the same time that haven't yet been identified. Anger, guilt, sadness, disappointment, and shame can blend together until everything simply feels terrible. Taking the time to name and separate those emotions doesn't make them disappear, but it helps your brain organize what you're experiencing, making it feel more manageable and easier to understand.
 
How can I improve my body image in a lasting way?
Instead of asking only, "How do I feel about my body?" it can be helpful to ask, "What am I actually feeling right now?" Becoming more aware of your emotional experience, where those emotions came from, and what they're trying to communicate creates a very different starting point than trying to change your appearance or force yourself to think positively.
 
What's the goal if I never feel good about my body all the time?
The goal isn't to feel amazing every day. It's to understand yourself a little better each time difficult feelings show up. As you become more familiar with your emotions, they become less confusing and less consuming. Over time, that can change the way you experience your body because you're no longer carrying everything in one overwhelming feeling.
 
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Have you ever finished a meal feeling completely full... and then kept eating anyway?
I've had this conversation with so many people, and the conclusion is almost always the same: they think they're the problem.
In this episode, I'm talking about why eating past fullness isn't a willpower issue. I explain how years of food rules and ignoring hunger can leave your body trying to catch up at the end of the day. I also break down what hunger actually feels like, because most of us were never taught to recognize the early signals. We learned to wait until hunger was screaming, then wondered why everything felt so out of control.
Quotes
"You are not failing at the solution. The solution is the problem."
"A lot of people think that hunger has one volume. It's like a switch. It's either on or it's off, and it doesn't. It has a whole quiet conversation happening first, and we've only been trained to answer or listen when it is shouting."
"Hunger, whether it's physical, metaphorical, in women has been treated as something to manage, to suppress, to overcome."
"The whole thing repeats, but it doesn't necessarily feel like a pattern per se from inside. It just kind of feels like evidence, like proof that you can't be trusted around food."
"The discomfort feels like you're doing something wrong, but you're not. It's just the rule loosening its grip."
"We're starting earlier, feeding yourself earlier, not because you deserve it or it's a reward, but because your body needs it, and you're hungry, and you've been hungry for a really long time."
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I keep eating even when I'm full?
A lot of people assume this comes down to self-control. It usually doesn't. If you've been ignoring hunger all day, following food rules, or waiting until you're starving to eat, your body is trying to catch up. Eating past fullness isn't proof that you're broken. It's often a predictable response to spending too much time in a deficit.
 
Why can't I tell when I'm hungry?
Your hunger cues probably didn't disappear. You just stopped treating them as information. Most people don't lose hunger overnight. They spend years pushing it aside until they only recognize the loudest signals. Hunger has a whole conversation before it's shouting, and learning to hear those quieter cues takes practice.
 
Why do I always overeat at night?
For a lot of people, nighttime isn't the problem. It's where the problem finally shows up. If you've spent the entire day eating as little as possible, ignoring hunger, or trying to "be good," your body has been waiting for food all day. 
 
What are the first signs of hunger?
Most people expect hunger to feel dramatic. It usually starts much quieter than that. You might find yourself thinking about food more often, feeling a little less focused, noticing a slight drop in energy, or feeling a gentle emptiness in your stomach. Those are often your body's first attempts to get your attention.
 
Can dieting make it harder to recognize hunger?
Yes. Dieting teaches you to trust rules more than your body. Instead of asking yourself if you're hungry, you start asking whether you're "allowed" to eat. After enough time, the rules become louder than your own hunger cues.
 
Should I wait until I'm hungry to eat?
Not necessarily. If you're recovering from restrictive eating or years of dieting, your hunger cues may not be reliable yet. Eating consistently helps rebuild trust with your body. As that trust grows, your hunger cues usually become easier to recognize.
 
How do I stop overeating without creating more food rules?
The answer usually isn't another rule. It's feeding yourself consistently enough that your body no longer feels like it has to make up for what it missed earlier in the day. As that sense of scarcity starts to fade, eating often becomes much less chaotic.
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The women who look like they have it all together are often the last ones to realize they're struggling. The woman who can successfully manage everyone else's needs somehow can't crack the code on her own relationship with food.
In this episode, I'm talking about why high-achieving women are often more vulnerable, not less, to struggles with food, body image, and disordered eating. We'll unpack how perfectionism, discipline, ambition, and the constant drive for "more" can fuel success in one area of life while quietly creating problems in another.
Quotes
"The same voice that says, 'It's not enough. Not yet. Keep going' at work and at home is the same voice that's running your relationship with food."
"The same discipline that gets you promoted, that grows your business, that makes you the mom that you are, is the same discipline that you apply to eating."
"The ability to push through discomfort, the ability to ignore what your body needs to keep moving—it's the same exact skill, it's just a different arena."
"One of the worst things to say in this situation is, 'Try harder. Add more discipline.' That is actually gonna be terrible advice because you have the most discipline. You are trying the hardest."
"The discomfort is something that we don't necessarily have to solve. It's something that we have to increase our tolerance for."
"The woman who has it all together doesn't think she qualifies. So that thought, 'This isn't quite me,' is exactly what we've been describing."
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do successful women struggle with food?
Many high-achieving women rely on discipline, perfectionism, and pushing through discomfort to succeed in their careers, relationships, and daily lives. Those same traits can also show up in their relationship with food, leading to rigid rules, constant self-monitoring, and feelings of never doing enough.
 
Can perfectionism cause disordered eating?
Perfectionism doesn't directly cause disordered eating, but it is a common contributing factor. When self-worth becomes tied to performance, achievement, or getting things "right," food and body image can become another area where perfectionistic standards take hold.
 
Why can't I stop thinking about food, even though everything else in my life seems fine?
Constant food thoughts are usually your body doing exactly what it's designed to do when it's not getting enough. Restriction, whether that's skipping meals, cutting carbs, or just eating less than your body needs, puts food preoccupation on autopilot. It's a survival response, not a personality problem. For some people there's also a psychological layer on top of that: perfectionism or self-criticism that shows up around food because it's an easy, measurable target. But the first question worth asking isn't "what's wrong with me," it's "am I actually eating enough."
 
What are the signs of disordered eating in high-functioning women?
Common signs include obsessive thoughts about food, chronic dieting, guilt around eating, rigid food rules, body dissatisfaction, difficulty trusting hunger and fullness cues, and feeling like food takes up more mental space than it should—even while appearing successful and put-together on the outside.
 
Why doesn't more discipline fix my relationship with food?
For many high-achieving women, discipline isn't the problem—it's often part of what keeps the struggle going. Adding more rules, restrictions, or self-control can reinforce the cycle rather than resolve it. Healing often requires greater flexibility, self-awareness, and emotional tolerance.
 
How are perfectionism and body image connected?
Perfectionism creates an internal standard that is often impossible to meet. As a result, many women focus on perceived flaws instead of recognizing their strengths, leading to ongoing body dissatisfaction regardless of their actual appearance or accomplishments.
 
How do I stop feeling like I'm never enough?
The honest answer is that you probably won't stop it by trying to fix the feeling directly. "Not enough" thinking usually isn't the problem itself, it's a symptom of something underneath it, often a story that got built early on about what you had to be or do in order to be loved or safe. Chasing the feeling away with more achievement or more self improvement just feeds the same system that created it. What actually shifts things is slowing down enough to ask where that voice came from and what it's protecting you from, instead of immediately trying to silence it or prove it wrong.
Resources
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In this episode, I'm talking about why so many attempts to change your relationship with food seem to fizzle out, even when you're motivated and genuinely want things to be different. Because constantly starting over doesn't mean you're lazy, uncommitted, or missing some magical piece of information.
We're digging into the deeper reasons certain behaviors stick around, what they may actually be doing for you, and why curiosity is often far more helpful than criticism. 
This conversation goes beyond meal plans and motivation and gets into the questions that most people never think to ask.
Quotes
"We don't lead with the question, what do we do about this? We lead with the question, what is this actually all about? It's the question that changes everything when someone is really willing to look at it, because the answer is usually not what you think it is."
"Most of us are so focused on fixing the behavior that we haven't stopped to ask what the behavior is doing."
"The reason change feels so hard isn't because you're weak; it's because something would have to be given up if you changed. Meaning, if the behavior is protective in some way, shape, or form, it's providing something for you."
"You don't need to know the answer yet. The key is starting to think about this and removing the blame that we're pointing at ourselves and starting to ask questions."
"Sometimes this isn't something that you can do alone, and that's where you might need a real person like a therapist or a dietician. Sometimes we need people who can see the patterns that we're too close to see."
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I keep failing when I try to change my eating habits?
Repeatedly struggling with food does not necessarily mean you lack motivation or discipline. Many behaviors serve a purpose, and understanding what they are providing can help create lasting change.
 
Why do I sabotage myself around food?
What feels like self-sabotage is often a protective pattern. Behaviors around food may be helping you cope with emotions, stress, shame, or fear, even when those behaviors are no longer serving you well.
 
Why is giving up dieting so scary?
For many people, dieting feels tied to safety, control, belonging, or fear of weight gain. Letting go of those rules can bring up emotions and beliefs that deserve attention and support.
 
What does fear of weight gain really mean?
Fear of weight gain often goes beyond the number on the scale. It can be connected to shame, past experiences, fears of rejection, or beliefs about worth and acceptance.
 
Why do I feel stuck between wanting recovery and wanting to stay the same?
Feeling pulled in two directions is called ambivalence, and it is a normal part of recovery. Having conflicting feelings does not mean you're doing anything wrong.
 
Does structured eating help with disordered eating?
Structured eating provides consistency and helps create a foundation for healing. Many people benefit from eating regularly throughout the day rather than relying on hunger cues alone in the early stages of recovery.
 
Do I need a therapist or a dietitian for eating disorder recovery?
Support can be helpful when you're too close to your own patterns to see them clearly. A therapist or dietitian can help you understand what is driving your behaviors and provide practical tools for recovery.
Resources
Be sure to sign up for my weekly newsletter!
Brave on Purpose! - Grab my new book here!
Grab my Journal Prompts Here!
Looking for a speaker for an upcoming event? Let's chat!
Now accepting new clients! Find out if we're a good fit! 
 
Episodes Mentioned:
-Episode 45. Basics of Intuitive Eating
-Episode 122. Ozempic, Wegovy, & Mounjaro with Laura Cipullo
-Episode 133. GLP with Dr. Kim Dennis
-Episode 160. Intuitive Eating Updates You Need to Know with Elyse Resch MS, RDN, CEDS-C, Fiaedp, FADA, FAND
 
LEAVE A REVIEW + help someone who may need this podcast by sharing this episode.
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You can connect with me on Instagram @rachelleheinemann, through my website www.rachelleheinemann.com, or email me directly at rachelle@rachelleheinemann.com